Touching Yourself

Orgasm… It’s a wonderful euphoric feeling. It’s a high. It’s a stress reducer. It’s also something that can be learned. Masturbation for women can serve several purposes:

  1. It can give a good quick orgasm when one is needed.
  2. It can rev up your sex drive.
  3. It can help you learn how to orgasm more easily with your husband.

So, how should you do it? Women masturbate in different ways. Some like humping or grinding themselves up against something such as a pillow or edge of a mattress. This can be beneficial to making love. If you can bring yourself to orgasm by this method (hands free), then the woman on top position may be for you! Women who like to be on top while making love say that they like to move around and grind their clitoris against their husband’s pubic bone or flexed abdominal muscles. They can bring themselves to orgasm better this way instead of just pumping up and down on his penis.

Then there is the hands on method. If you can bring yourself to orgasm using your own hand and fingers, then you will be more likely to orgasm by your husband’s touch. You will be able to teach him how to touch you the way your body likes it. Set aside some alone time and practice. Explore yourself and see what feels good. Not sure how to get started? I have some tips.

Make sure that you have plenty of alone time where there will be no interruptions and distractions. Get naked and get comfortable! You may prefer a hot bath or the bed. If you do not self lubricate well, then have a bottle of lube on hand. Sitting in front of a mirror can also be erotic and help put you in the mood. Pick a comfortable position and start touching yourself in all your erogenous zones. You know what feels good to you. If it helps, stick your fingers in your mouth and get them wet. Then trace them over your body, your neck, your nipples, your thighs, all the while imagining that it is your husband’s tongue. When you make it to your vulva, open your legs wide. Lick your fingers again or apply lube if needed. You want your fingers to be able to glide smoothly. Rub all around your vulva, from top to bottom, grazing over your clitoris from time to time. Tease yourself. Let it build. If you want to, then use your other hand to insert a couple of fingers into your vagina at the same time. (A toy can also be used.) This will help to provide g-spot stimulation at the same time. If you like anal play, then lube up your back side and allow your fingers to caress that as well. Some women like gentle caressing while others like penetration of the anus.

When you can’t wait any longer, focus your attentions on your clitoris. Do what feels good for you. If you like direct stimulation, then go for it! You can use the palm of your hand or the tips of your fingers. Back and forth or around in circles. Gentle touches or firmer pressure. Increase your pace while you imagine your husband watching, or helping, or making love to you. If it helps talk dirty to yourself out loud or in your mind. Say those things that you love to hear. Say the things that help to send you over the top. Sometimes really deep breathing or even holding your breath can help to put you over the top. When you orgasm, do what feels natural. If you need to move around, then do so! If you need to scream or moan or say something, then let go and say it! Ride the waves as they spasm throughout your body. Keep going until you can’t take it anymore. Some women can have multiples by continuing to apply pressure to the clitoris after the first orgasm. (Peppermint Girl wrote a nice two-part article on Multiple Orgasms.) Just do what feels good for you. Afterwards, enjoy your come down time.

There are many different variables to consider when touching yourself. Each woman is different. Masturbating is a very safe and totally natural way to learn how your body responds to touch. It can help a woman learn how to reach orgasm more easily with her husband. Doing it regularly can also really increase your sex drive. It will make you feel more sexual and your body will become accustomed to having frequent orgasms. In turn you will want sex with your husband more…and he will be a happy man! I’d love to hear from you ladies out there. Is there a great position that you have found that you like to masturbate in? Do you incorporate toys into your playtime? Do you include your husband in your masturbating sessions or give him a show?  Timid and inexperienced women need to hear from those of us who have suggestions and advise to lend. Please feel free to leave comments!

47 Comments

  1. I always thought masturbation was a sin and felt guilty for doing it. I found this site and have been so excited to explore this area with my husband. He is out of country and we are exploring the phone sex option as well. It was awkward and we did not mutually masturbate but we did discuss what we like and how to get there. I know this is somewhat off subject. Thank you ladies for this ministry. God is using you to free me from years of shame and guilt. Thank you.

  2. It blesses us to hear you say that you are finding greater freedom, hisbeautiful!

  3. My husband and I have a very healthy and open understanding about masturbation. But it wasn’t always that way. Before, if he did it and I didn’t know but found out, then I would feel cheated out of somtehing that should have been saved for me. If I did it and didn’t tell him then I felt guilty and a bit ashamed. One day I talked to him about it and told him how I felt. I was honest and open and asked that he be the same ,without recrimination from me. I found that his reasons were a quick and simple release of stress and frustration or that he simply became excited by thought of what we had done the night before or a few days back. He said that his thoughts were always of me and our marrige bed. (wich had been my main concerns since the bible states that we sin even in thought if that thought includes someone other than our spouse) I said I did it becuase I always want him! There are times during the day that I want him but he’s at work or he’s beat and I find the desire build and I NEED release! He was very ok with that especially after I communicated the fact that the reason is because he is to darn HOT!
    Well anyway, I just wanted to share, especially after reading hisbeautiful’s comment!
    Stay blessed and happy!

  4. I think masturbation is a sinful act? Kindly help.

  5. We have an article here that will explain our understanding of masturbation and sin. There are lengthy discussions in the comment section that cover it further.

  6. my husband thinks its hot and a turn on if I masturbate when he’s not here. to me its a chore, I’m not easily stimulated and don’t really have fun doing it. I’ll do it with him but even then there is no real effect. there have only been a few time when i have orgasmed by myself, and thats when i used a toy to grind with. i’ve never experienced an orgasm during intercourse, only when i’m on top with my underwear on and grind against him. i’ve had some very good ones that way. how can i please him?

  7. Hisway,
    First of all if something makes you uncomfortable don’t do it. Try to find out why it might not be fun or feels like a chore. I believe sex should always be pleasurable beyond compare, I think that is what God intended, when in the right bounds. I think you are wise to come to this site and seek Godly council. I,ve been a christian most of my life, and I believe these spice girls are right on biblically. I also would tell you to earnestly pray about these matters and listen to what God has to say.

  8. A more practical question – while not unpleasant, there is a definite and identifiable odor left after masturbation…hand washing, hand sanitizer don’t really seem to remove it – any suggestions? Not a big deal if going to bed – but if going out in public…. ?????

  9. You might try washing your hands in rubbing alcohol or lemon.

  10. yes – I agree with SOS – but don’t really want to have that “Fragrance” about me when I am out running my errands :) personal choice :)

    and will try the rubbing alcohol or lemon! THANKS!

  11. Hi,
    Could someone help me out here, please? :)
    I am engaged to be married in less than 2 months (very excited! :P ). I have been masturbating since 14. No fantasies, no porn, just plain self-pleasuring. I feel it has really helped me understand and develop my sexuality. But here’s my dilemma… since my heart has stayed pure as I never coupled the self-pleasuring action with sinful thoughts, and since masturbation has proven to be a stimulant for a healthy sex drive and a sex mood do you think it is ok for me to continue masturbating up to the wedding night and maybe even during our marriage? Do you see any problems if I keep up or rather build up my sex mood by masturbating during this period leading to our wedding?
    I’d really appreciate your thoughtful answers!

    Many thanks!
    Kaileen

  12. This is something that you and your fiance should discuss if at all possible. Find out if it bothers him that you are MBing. He may request that you stop for the next two months leading up to your marriage, or then again he may be all for you keeping yourself all revved up for him! As far as MBing when you are married, again, that is something that you two will need to talk about. Be honest with him about how you do it and why you do it and get his feedback. It doesn’t matter what advice others give you. What matters here is what you and your fiance/husband decide together. Congrats on your upcoming marriage!

  13. Hello everyone. I was really happy to find this site. It is helping to answer some of my questions. I am a 26 year old Christian female. I am single (just starting to see someone) and I am a virgin and I plan to stay that way until I am married. However, lately I have been feeling a lot of sexual desire. Not for a person, just my body’s desires. I am curious about masturbation. I am scared to try it and yet I kind of want to. I have always been under the impression from what I learned growing up that it is wrong. But then I have heard so much lately about how self-pleasuring is a good thing to teach you about what you like. I don’t think I am going to be getting married in the near future, so is it wrong for me to self-pleasure just to deal with my desires?

  14. As long as you aren’t fantasizing about someone when you are self-pleasuring, then you are okay. It is entirely possible to self-pleasure while just focusing on the good feelings and sensations your body feels. As long as you aren’t lusting over a boyfriend in your mind, or visualizing a sexual scenario with someone else, then you are fine :smile:

  15. Help! I remember reading somewhere on this site about female ejaculations. I am new to the world of toys and have discovered over the past few months that I do indeed have them. It’s mostly when I am lying on my back. They only come when I use my vibrator to stimulate my clitoris. These are not as intense as when I am on top of my hubby and orgasm. Ok. So what is the problem? I’ve recently discovered that while lying on my back and stimulating myself I can have a seemingly endless amount of orgasms, i.e., ejaculations. This kinds of scares me. Is there something wrong with me? I guess I’m worried that it might become addictive. I’m dealing with other addictions now with my H. I feel guilty for having discovered this about myself. I would appreciate your insight…

  16. It is my belief that the Lord made the issue of masturbation a gray area on purpose. He spoke to the heart issues that could be connected to it rather than saying that we should or shouldn’t do it. All gray areas require us to listen to the voice of God to get clarity on what we should do. Addiction to masturbation can indeed become a problem. Some people can not masturbate without lusting. Masturbation can become a wall between you and your spouse. These are all reasons why the Lord might lead some people to abstain from it. If in fact the possibility of becoming addicted is a real concern, it’s really important for you to be sure that God has lordship over this in your life.

    I’m sorry that I can not give you a rule on this. In some ways that would be easier, but I can not say that this is definitely a dangerous area for you or that it is perfectly safe for your soul. I can only lead you to the Lord. Ask Him if he is honored by your masturbation or if there are any areas where he is concerned with it. I would suggest that when you are masturbating that you use some of the time to be in prayer since this might be a problem area for you.

  17. Hi! just wondering, why do you believe masturbating is alright if you aren’t lusting over a boyfriend in your mind, or visualizing a sexual scenario with someone else, then you are fine ?

  18. You can read about our perspective of masturbation here:

    http://christiannymphos.org/2007/12/31/what-does-the-bible-say-about-masturbation/

  19. I know it’s kind of late, but I’d just like to share that apple cider vinegar works well to get rid of the smell. I keep a bottle in the bathroom for my hubby to use after we make love, which is usually in the AM, so that he doesn’t go to work smelling like…me ;-)

    I thank God for discovering this Web site – I really needed this info and look forward to implementing the advice I’ve read so far.

  20. having been molested as a young girl, i never NEVER used to touch myself nor ever let anybody touch me “down there”. its the most sensitive part of my body.
    it’s only been recently now as an adult after 2 kids that i allow my husband to gently touch me and caress me there. it does feel really nice and i enjoy it so far. looking forward to doing more of it w/ him

  21. For years, I walked around like a built up time bomb. Our sex life was good but it took me so long for orgasm and I usually forfeited my completion to just end our misery. The only way I easily had one was from oral sex. At the age of 47, I had my first experience with masturbation. It was completely accidental via the head shower head spray and it was a bit embarrassing! But it sure felt powerful! At age 49 was the first time I intentionally masturbated.Then that same year I bought a little bullet. I would pull that thing out a few afternoons a week and in less than one minute (literallly I timed it) I could achieve an orgasm! What that all did for me was kind of jump start my body. It was like my body needed to learn how to arrive to that state and now, when we have sex, I come before he does! I feel like a 16 year old boy who can’t control himself! I now rub myself a little while he is showering and get myself primed. I don’t have to use the bullet much anymore and our sex life is more satisfying for me than ever. I am not sure why it all worked that way but bottom line is masturbation kind of saved our sex life!

  22. I masturbate about once a week for the pleasure, and a stress reliever. I recently discovered I can have a orgasm by vibrating my clitoris,with a toy I don’t really need the insertion in my vagina Now when me and my husband have sex, after he makes me orgasm, I am left wanting that intense, orgasm that goes from head to my toes. Also the clitoris orgasm that I feel is also spastic, my whole body spasm, at times I feel Like I act like he does, when he reaches orgasm. Is this orgasm ok, I know it feels awesome, but the spasms that I feel are not harming me, are they? The feeling after sex with my husband that I don’t feel finished and want my clitoris to have that strong orgasm, is that ok?

  23. Yes, some women do say that their clitoral orgasms are stronger than the g-spot ones. Maybe you can incorporate this into your lovemaking with your husband!

  24. Thanks cumingirl!! My clitoris orgasm are MUCH stronger, and even a different feeling than the g-spot orgasm!!! When I experience a g-spot orgasm I feel pressure and almost the need to push it out, and relieved after wards. When I experience the clitoris orgasm, It is very intense, I feel it from my head to my toes and then my clitoris begins pulsating I am left relieved and almost a shakie feeling. After I experience the clitoris orgasm my clitoris becomes very sensitive, is that normal. I actually learned their was different types and ways to achieve orgasm by this site. I as well as others I am sure GREATLY appreciate this christian site, I don’t feel ashamed knowing their other christian women out their like me. Thank you ALL so much!!! Gos is truly using you all for the purpose of helping others with their secret problems!!!

  25. Wow! Those tips are great! I was raised in a Christian environment where one just didn’t talk openly about sex or one’s sexual desires.

    Having been married for almost 4 months now (yay!), I’m slowly but surely breaking out and away from that sheltered way of thinking. I’ll be honest in saying using my hands on myself still seems awkward, but I have in the past found I get stimulated by how I’m sitting down or lying on my side with my legs crossed just so.

    Like I said, still breaking out of the shell.

  26. I have been married 27 years. Because of the way I was brought up and poor self image, mine and my hubbies sex love was just ok. Many times I just didn’t want it, but I did it out of duty. At the age of 46 I had some sort of sexual awakening, which I consider a gift from God.I started masturbating for the first time in my life. Discoverd clitoral orgasms. I now have a very strong sexual appetite. Almost too strong. We have sex almost every day, because of my urges and our marriage and love for each other is much stronger as well. But I feel the urge to masturbate almost every day. I discovered clitoral orgams with toys and I feel I need that release to make me feel better. But like I said, my husband is by no means getting replaced or neglected. If anything, he’s benefitting. I don’t know if I have a sexual medical problem in wanting stimulation on a regular basis, or if after 27 years of average sex and no masturbation has finally caught up with me. Any thoughts?

  27. “I don’t know if I have a sexual medical problem in wanting stimulation on a regular basis, or if after 27 years of average sex and no masturbation has finally caught up with me. Any thoughts?”
    If it’s not bothering you or your hubby then it’s not a problem, right? LOL Seriously, I think you were right when you described it as a gift from God. You are making up for lost time. Yay!

  28. I just came into my sexual awakening over the past few months and I, too, consider it a gift. It’s been a slight point of contention in my 8 year marriage because I absolutely used to abhor the idea of my husband masturbating. Mostly because it was to pornography. So, my husband has had a hard time understanding why, in his mind, “all of a sudden” I have no problem with masturbation.

    I truly agree that masturbation has increased my sex drive, and made it possible for my needs to be satisfied (as our drives do not match… I could do it almost every day, and he works hard and is not often as “raring” to go as he used to be).

    I’ve found a beautiful glass toy that gives me PERFECT g-spot stimulation while using a vibrator on my clitoris at the same time. The orgasms are unbelievable. For women who don’t think they “have a g-spot” I urge you to try a curved glass toy and use a rocking (not thrusting) motion to stimulate your g-spot! Incredible!

  29. Firstly, thank you for this site! I have been married for just over 10 years, and I rarely enjoyed intimacy with my husband. I have struggled with depression for most of my life, and only came to terms with my sexuality in the last few years. My DH is very understanding, but it has been a struggle keeping faithful to God, and only a little easier keeping faithful to my DH.

    I too was embarrassed that I found release from masturbation, and am aroused at times by my own gender. But some great Christian resources (without hell-fire or brimstone in sight) and my growth in Christ have helped me put all this into perspective.

    Thank you girls!

  30. Hey Kathy, can you explain/clarify what you meant by “aroused at times by my own gender”, I’m not sure what that means.

    Cheers

  31. I have struggled with my sexuality since I was about 16. I was always attracted to both men and women, but knew (as a follower of Christ) that I could not give in to my attraction to women. It wasn’t until about 7 years ago, in my late 20’s that I realised that I wasn’t a freak, and started to see how God could use my struggles to bring me closer to Him. I still struggle at times, but can deal with it better these days.

  32. I have really enjoyed this website. Have been married slightly over ten years, and our sex is just OK. I think am not getting satisfied, but when I heard about masturbation I thought it was sin at first. But after reading this article and comments from other christian ladies, I decided to try it and it feels nothing like it. Thanks again for making me understand my sexuality better. I always thought I have an abnormal sex drive but I came to realize that am like any other woman. Thanks again.

  33. Lemon works for me too!

  34. I think you are doing great! and women have this urge a long time!+

  35. I don’t know what to do. My husband does not have a strong desire for sex due to previous problems and issues. We have tried everything but it’s not improving – will only manage once a month or so. I have a stronger sex drive than him and desire him a lot so I find it very difficult that he doesn’t have the same desire for me. He has asked me not to masturbate but I don’t know what else to do. I really want to buy a vibrator for myself but is it wrong for me to go against what he has asked?

  36. it would really undermine his trust in you if he were to accidently find it or find out about it. can you explain to him that sexual release is not just a want but a need that you have? is there a counselor or pastor at your church that you guys could talk to? even if he isn’t willing to get counseling, it could still be beneficial for you to talk to a professional about what is happening in your marriage. and don’t forget the power of prayer to change difficult situations in our lives!

  37. We’ve been to counselling before and the guy gave us some steps to work through – but said that it would probably always be an issue in our marriage as my husband has severe porn addiction which is affecting him now. I’ve asked if we can go and talk to someone again but he ‘doesn’t see the point’ as he thinks it’ll just be the same stuff told over again.
    I’ve discussed with him the bit in the Bible about the husband and wife looking after eachother’s sexual needs, but he says that if he’s not in the mood then that’s just the way it is and I have to find a way to deal with it. I don’t agree but he doesn’t want to discuss it anymore. I don’t know what to do – it’s been 2 months now since he’s even touched me and nothing I do is working.

  38. I have been married for twelve years now. My husband and I have three very darling children. In our marriage bed, my husband does everything right and I am almost always able to have an orgasm. However, there are times, many times when I am wanting a release during the day when he’s at work or when he’s away on business trips. Also, over the course of our marriage I have discovered that my sex drive continues to go up, while he is happy with once or twice a week. I’m pretty sure that it’s from work and such.
    One day while he was at work I went down for a nap with our youngest and had the most erotic dream of him. I was on fire! I went into the bathroom and for the first time in my life, I masturbated. It was amazing! I want so very much to be able to use this as a way of release.
    The guilt that came afterwards though, was torture. My pastor says that a woman’s pleasure should only come from her husband. My husband also feels strongly against it. Please help, I don’t know what to do.

  39. It is possible your husband feels against it because he doesn’t understand that he is the focus of it. And he may not understand that it will only light you on fire for him later. Since a man ejaculates once, he may relate that to you and think that if you masturbate, it replaces him and you would not want him at night. Can you talk openly with him and explain that it only gets you more excited for him to come home?

  40. It’s up to us as a couple to decide what we are comfortable with. And, it is between us and the Lord, guided by the spirit. While it is true that we should not have solo masturbation (it’s not a bonding activity), except may be for getting the knowledge of what is better for us in order to teach it to our husbands later on, nevertheless, you did masturbate thinking about your husband. I know for myself, it’s always better to have my husband with me when I engage in such activity as we are creating a bond together.
    If the same thing happens next time, try to wait until he comes homes and phone him he will have a special treat upon his arrival…

  41. I have just read this article and all its comments and, while I have been interested in and encouraged by what’s gone on here, most of the talk seems to be about masturbation as a method of sexual release in the face of different libidos or time spent apart… which is fine by me, so long as both partners are ok with it and no ‘bad’ lust is involved…

    But what about for a ‘learner?’ Me and DH have been married for 2 years now, and for a while I O’d fairly easily… but it’s just not happening now. DH is being wonderful and asking what he can do differently… but the truth is, I have no clue!!!

    I used to O because what he did felt good – maybe I have become less sensitive or something, I don’t know – but now it all just sort of fizzles out before the edge. So I was thinking of having a bit of an explore to see what felt good (not done that before!)…. but am feeling rather guilty at the thought of doing so. What would be your response to someone like me? I know that this action would aim at enchancing our marital intimacy – but I still feel guilty?????

    If you’ve any tips/advice/thoughts, they’d be much appreciated!

  42. That is what I did to train myself to have one faster because it would take like 45 min for one O. I think if you are doing it to help your sex life its a great bonus. If you can figure out what would help you get there now I bet it would take some of the stress off you guys. I bet your husband would get a total kick out of it too whether or not he is there or not!!!!

  43. Though you certainly need to work this through with your hubby I thought it might be helpful for you to know that not all pastors are against masturbation. My husband is a pastor and he loves when I masturbate for him to watch or masturbate just to nurture myself. He doesn’t masturbate because he can’t do it without fantasy and he and I are not comfortable with that. But I just concentrate on how it feels and am able to enjoy the gift of sex God gave us.

  44. have an explore time WITH your husband! :D that should be a fun learning experience :P

  45. Puzzledwife-
    I was married for over a decade before I starting “Oing” regularly and that was because I started learning my body though masturbation. Once I started figure out my body, I could pass that knowledge on to my hubby. I also found, that for me, it increased my sex drive. It was really strange at first because I had use to think it was wrong. Then at some point I realized many of my thoughts of sex were wrong and my ideas of what “good” Christians should do were not honoring God (who created the awesome gift of sex).

    My husband loves how I slowly have embraced this freedom.

  46. I have masturbated since I was a young child and have always had a strong sense of guilt because of it. I was sexually abused as a child,. so I’m not sure if that correlates to the reasons why, or if it is just natural.
    As a teen and young adult, I was always trying to stop, but ended up worse, using porn.
    I have been married for 12 years now, and I do sometimes use masturbation as a release, but, now I see my husband in my ‘fantasies”. My husband doesn’t know that I do this, we have never discussed masturbation. Any advice???

  47. @ Godopengirl.
    I too was sexually abused as a child and found myself masturbating frequently. I too felt guilty and tried to stop, but eventually started watching porn as well.
    I truly believe that masturbating while you married is fine as long as your thoughts are about your husband. I think the issues come in with your fantasies not being about the two of you. God’s word talks about sin first starting with a thought and I think that this is true with masturbation as well. As long as your thoughts are about your husband I believe that you are okay, but definitely pray on it and let the Spirit guide you.
    Hope this helps!


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