Threesomes: Are Christians Tempted?

Sexual temptations can come in many forms.  One temptation that can sometimes come up in a marriage is the idea of adding someone else to the mix.  I believe that viewing pornography together is one of the things that can put these sinful thoughts into a couple’s head.  It looks so enticing on the screen.  Everyone looks like they are having the time of their lives.

Threesomes are so common in porn that it kind of normalizes it in your head.  You may start thinking “We love each other so much, so it’s okay to just try it once.”  “Our marriage is so strong.  We can handle this.”  “We’ll just get someone that we already know and trust.  We’ll be okay.”  The truth is that you won’t be okay.  Giving in to these thoughts will do permanent damage to your marriage.  Look at what God tells us in 1 Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 6:18-19 (NIV)

18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;

“FLEE,” He said!  God tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality.”  To flee means to run away from swiftly.  He did not tell us to think about it and weigh the pros and cons.  He said to run away from it!  There is no compromise.  Don’t you think that God knows what is best for us?  The couples who do not flee end up in a bad situation.

The wife may secretly wonder…

  • Did he enjoy having sex with her more so than with me?
  • Does he find her body more appealing than mine?
  • Was she ‘tighter’ than me?
  • Was he happier with her oral skills instead of mine?
  • If he wants to do it again, does that mean that I’m not enough for him?

The husband may secretly wonder…

  • Did she like the way he/she moved/thrusted/grinded better than the way I do it?
  • He looked slightly larger… I wonder if she found him more satisfying?
  • I wonder if she liked his/her oral skills better than mine?
  • She was more vocal with him/her…so does that mean she enjoyed it more?
  • If she wants to do it again, does that mean that I’m not enough for her?

From that day forward, their marriage will never be the same.  Trust issues will come up, especially if the third person was someone they both knew.  It will begin to eat away at their marriage bit by bit until their marriage becomes a shell of what it once was.  God knew what he was talking about when he told us to FLEE.

1 Thessalonians 4:2-4 (NIV)

2 For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. 3It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable,

We are told to control our own bodies.  We have the Holy Spirit living inside of us and we are to keep ourselves holy and honorable.  Committing acts of fornication or adultery is not consistent with keeping ourselves honorable.  It doesn’t matter that you both consent to it.  A threesome has to involve either fornication or adultery, and both are an abomination to God.

Proverbs 6:32 (NIV)

32 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment;
whoever does so destroys himself.

God’s word is clear on adultery and fornication. Inviting someone else into your marriage bed is sin, plain and simple.  What I would tell young couples now is to guard your hearts and your minds. Never say “It won’t happen to me” because it can. Satan is always at work, looking for areas in your life that he can slip in, unnoticed. Cleave to each other and pray together. Know that, as Christians, we have the Holy Spirit living inside us, and we should strive to keep our temples pure and pleasing to God. But also remember that God loves us all. He knows we are human and will be tempted, and He will always be there with open arms, ready to forgive us when we stumble, if we but ask.

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20 Comments

  1. The references you made all speak of immorality. What is immorality? Is a threesome immoral? I don’t think so. Threesome is just an act. An act committed in the right context is good, committed in the wrong context is bad. What’s immoral is betrayal, it’s desire to hurt, it’s hate. I do not see how love and sex are an immoral act in and of themselves when not performed with your partner. Is it adultery to have sex with multiple partners so long as there is no betrayal? I really don’t think so.

    What’s most important, most sacred, is the relationship between people – the human understanding, the love and care that they feel. This love is what God is all about. As for threesome… I highly doubt that God (at least my God) would be upset. He created me, he gave me the ability to think, he gave me the ability to love. If I love my woman, then, so long as my connection with God and my woman remains true, it doesn’t matter what we do and who we have sex with. Especially so if my woman is also involved in the act and there is a strong underlayer of love and care that is a foundation for the threesome – there is no betrayal of God. After all, it was God who put thoughts into our minds and gave us pleasures – I think that the reason he gave us pleasure was for us to enjoy it. It is part of God’s love for us.

    I think we should all seek answers inside ourselves because that is where our true connection to God is. And so long as we love God, it is our internal balance that matters – threesome or no threesome.

    So, in my opinion, if you and your man want to have a threesome, God will definitely not object. In fact, I would imagine God would watch over and enjoy the love that would take place: that sacred intangible that gives it all meaning.

    After watching Bertolucci’s “Dreamers”, I realized that God doesn’t care who sleeps with whom, who kisses whom, who commits what acts. What God does care about is the substance, the content underneath the facade. If substance is rotten, then a change must be made. But if it’s not, we can do no wrong. Just my thoughts. I do agree with you about one thing though: we should always think about what makes us good and true. I just think that the way you look at it doesn’t give God justice as the One who understands us on the most intimate level.

  2. forbiddenthoughts,
    Thank you for your comments, but I’d like to reply to some parts of what you said. You said:

    “Is it adultery to have sex with multiple partners so long as there is no betrayal? I really don’t think so. If I love my woman, then, so long as my connection with God and my woman remains true, it doesn’t matter what we do and who we have sex with. Especially so if my woman is also involved in the act..”

    I believe you are confused as to what the definition of adultery actually is.

    a·dul·ter·y Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.

    So if you and your spouse have sex with another person, it does not matter that all three of you are consenting, it is adultery. Having sex with anyone besides your lawful spouse is adultery. And what was the seventh commandment?

    Exodus 20 (King James Version)
    1And God spake all these words, saying,
    14Thou shalt not commit adultery.

    You also said:

    “As for threesome… I highly doubt that God (at least my God) would be upset.”

    I’m not sure who “your god” is, but I am a follower of the Creator of all the earth, the one true God, who sent His Son Jesus Christ to die for us, that we may have eternal life, and He says:

    Exodus 20: 2-3
    2 I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery;
    3 Do not have any other gods before Me.

    You then said:

    “After all, it was God who put thoughts into our minds and gave us pleasures – I think that the reason he gave us pleasure was for us to enjoy it. It is part of God’s love for us.”

    I will adamantly disagree with you here. We have free will and we know right from wrong because of Adam and Eve’s fall. God does not put perverse sexual thoughts in our heads my friend, that is the work of the deceiver.

    Finally you say:

    “I think we should all seek answers inside ourselves because that is where our true connection to God is. And so long as we love God, it is our internal balance that matters – threesome or no threesome.”

    I could not disagree with you more. We should NOT seek the answers inside ourselves, rather we should look to HIM for the answers. The bible should be our guide, and our prayer time should be a time for seeking his guidance in our lives. While I appreciate your thoughts on this subject, I must say that I do wonder if you are a Christian or not? I would like to strongly urge you to think about what I’ve just said. I pray for clarity for you in this area.

  3. My friend, I respect your position, we think differently. I am not a Christian, but an agnostic and to me, if God exists, then God is all-powerful and thus would not bother setting up shallow rules, shallow schemes to trick, to deceive. Deception itself is His creation and it is done as well out of His love. It is a partnership that I think is beautifully portrayed in Master and Margarita by Bulgakov.

    God is wise. If it makes you feel good, then you should absolutely live in accordance to the bible, and it will be good. But do you think God would love you any less if you didn’t? If he would love you less, he would not be a God, and there we run into a logical problem..

    Our life, our surroundings, our own flesh is just a facade for what is underneath – and that is the soul. And it is this soul that has connection to God and so from this connection we should seek answers. Not the bible, not the teachings by other men, but the soul – the ultimate connection that is there irrespective of religion.

  4. 1. Whether or not we obey God does not change his love for us. His essence is love and nothing we do to obey or disobey his directives changes that. So there is no “logical problem.”
    2. The Word of God and his directives are simply a way for us to know the healthiest way to live our lives and to have relationships with others and with Him. We get to choose whether or not we apply them. If you don’t want to live according to the standard God establish, that is your decision. He said that adultery would be damaging to us and since we accept that everything he says is true, we have taken marital fidelity as a conviction.
    3. You say that you are agnostic, meaning you believe that if God exists He can not be known. I have a suggestion. Assume for a moment that He does exist and simply ask Him to show you whether or not He exists. If you are truly wanting to know, He will show you what you need to know.
    4. We have had two similar interchanges with you now regarding our convictions on threesomes. Why you choose this topic to be a point of conflict for you regarding your relationship (or lack there of from your perspective) with God is beyond me, but we want to let you know that we won’t be continuing to dialog about this. We are not here to convince people to accept our world view.

  5. Very nice, well-thought out reply. I like the Scriptural references, too.

  6. Anyone who rejects Christ… can not know God.

    John 14: 6-7
    Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. 7 If you had really known me, you would know who my Father is. From now on, you do know him and have seen him!”

    We can approach God through Christ.
    To know Christ, is to know God,
    and to know God’s Law.
    If we reject Christ…. Ultimately we reject God’s Law.
    When we reject God’s Law…
    morality has No Foundation!
    Morality has always been defined BY GOD!
    We can not not change that.

  7. We are a couple that have actually done threesomes in our past sinful lifestyle days. I’ll admit, I studied the Bible in-depth looking for a ‘loop hole’ for our swinging lifestyle. But honestly, it’s not there. The only threesome a marriage should ever partake in is husband, wife and God. See, after being redeemed from our sinful past we’ve actually prayed together before having sex. Yes, me in my birthday suit. My wife in some sexy lingerie. We pray together for a wonderful and joyful sexual experience in the confines of our marriage.

  8. I have to say I was not persuaded by your argument. You claim “Flee from sexual immorality” is the basis for rejecting a threesome. But somehow this doesn’t disqualify anal sex between a man and his wife for you as you’ve claimed on this website. However, you do claim that since adultery is forbidden in the Bible, then, threesomes are immoral. But you use a modern definition of adultery. In Judaism adulatory is only committed when a man has sex with a married woman. As you mention in your anal sex post, the Bible is really silent on a lot of sexual practices. What matters is whether both spouses consent. Funny how we use different Biblical interpretations to support what we desire and despise.

  9. My basis for rejecting a threesome is that it has to involve either fornication or adultery. In Matthew 5:28 Jesus says: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. He was saying that ANYONE who lusts after someone else is committing adultery in their hearts, male or female, married or single, ANYONE. And that is just Him talking about our thought life. I think it’s pretty evident what God thinks of us having sex with someone that we aren’t married to. I don’t give a fig whether both spouses consent or not, sin is sin. Yes, it is funny how people can try to bend the Word of God to support sinful desires of the flesh.

    And as far as anal sex goes, it isn’t immoral. This article is a great read, if you haven’t seen it yet.

  10. To many times we try to reason with our thoughts or define them. We need to really Think, Pray and Think again before we make any decision.

    Take God out of the equation sometime and question yourself.. Think about what you are about to do or would like to do and you might just change your mind. God give us “free will”, you have to ask yourself one question “will this please God and is it pleasing to God?”. If it doesn’t then don’t do it…

  11. Good article.
    Bless you, ladies.
    Jesus is glorified through your ministry.
    Praying that you will be encouraged this week and your marriages will be blessed.

  12. I was suprised by some of the opinions here.

    Matthew 19:5
    and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’

    It does not say the two will become one flesh “with an add on from time to time”

    It says the TWO will become one flesh, NOT THREE will become one flesh.

    Its very simple. Great site. God Bless.

  13. Aside from the commandments and the sin of it “the two shall become one flesh” is is a huge reason not to do it. Through intimacy 2 people become one, the more partners you have the more you divide your own soul. It is the same reason to avoid sex before marriage. I know people who are told “they just have to understand, so and so was my first” because they have a relationship with the first person they had sex with who never did become their spouse. Why do they still have some kind of relationship with them? Because they have a piece of their soul the piece that was meant for their spouse and only their spouse.

  14. Ok, so this is something that I have been wondering about “threesomes.” I am looking at all the scriptures that have been poured out and this one stuck out in my mind from the previous quote. Does this mean that my husband can’t even lust after me? It says “everyone”, not married men or single men AND if I am taking the bible literally am I really suppose to pluck my eye out everytime I see Brain McKnight? (just a little joke, but I’m serious) Explain please? Thanks.

    Matthew 5:
    27″(AJ)You have heard that it was said, ‘(AK)YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY';

    28but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman (AL)with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

    29″(AM)If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into (AN)hell.

    30″(AO)If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into (AP)hell.

    31″It was said, ‘(AQ)WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE';

    32(AR)but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

  15. Perhaps this article about lust will help you.

    http://christiannymphos.org/2008/01/07/lust-what-to-keep-in-mind/

    Regarding your husband’s desire for you, it is not sinful. Your body belongs to him and his to you. A husband and wife’s desire for one another is the only godly expression of sexual desire.

  16. I know in my spirit that this sort of sexual expression is very wrong, but at the same time I find it very sexually appealing. The idea of it is a total turn-on to my husband as well as to myself. Because of this, my husband and I sometimes fantasized about an imaginary third person while we were ML; now I secretly struggle against this kind of fantasizing EVERY TIME we ML.
    To add to this, I have other “secret” sinful fantasies. I have a regrettable past, but I know I am forgiven for my parts in it. I accept my past as part of who and where I am and part of the plan God has for me. But some things that should have stayed as part of that past, AREN’T; it’s what I’m DOING that I cannot stand, that I abhor. I am not so worried about this coming between me and my husband, though I know it eventually will if it isn’t culled, but right now it’s coming between me and GOD! And I can’t stand that! How do I keep these horrible, sinful thoughts OUT OF MY HEAD?! How do I get them out of ME? How do I make my marriage bed PURE? I cannot be right with God with these things in my life, and I am tired of sinning and begging for forgiveness only to sin again. After so many times, it feels meaningless, like I must not really mean it, and I don’t have any room to ask God for forgiveness and help AGAIN.

  17. I pray this helps you get rid of the thoughts.

    What we put into our minds in what comes out. Even though you may not be putting those kind of ideas in your mind anymore, they are there. So you’ve got to “over ride” those thoughts with scripture. So the more scripture and prayer you put into your mind, the closer your relationship with God becomes, and the more your thoughts will reflect his Word. So read the Bible constantly and consistently, and pray that God will take control over you and your thoughts. Do it daily and you will start to see the changes.

  18. I plan on getting married to the love of my life before the end of the year but recently while were engaging in a little bit of sexual talk on the phone (long distance relationship), which we have engaged in before due to our relationship being long distance. He was asking me how freaky would I go, like testing me to see what I was open to and then he mentioned a possible threesome. I couldn’t believe my ears but I played along with it to see how what he would even want out of a threesome and then he mentioned a woman doing something to me, while he had sex with me and then that’s when I couldn’t hold back any longer and I got very upset and he said he was joking and got upset with me for believing he would actually go through with something like that and he said he isn’t that type of person and he took the joke toofar but why would he even mention it or bring it up. I still have slight dobuts about his sexual fantasies and wonder if he was being honest with me about wanting a threesome if I was okay with it because a part of me thinks he would be open to it, if I was.

  19. So what would your reaction be if he admitted that he did have fantasies about a threesome? Would you shame him? Get mad? Use it against him in some way? Feel rejected? If he feels that it isn’t safe for him to share his weaknesses with you, he is not going to have the freedom to be honest. Perhaps in the future it would be better not to play along as though you are intrigued with the idea. Maybe let him know what you really think right upfront, and at the same time let him know that if it is a temptation for him to think about that, then you want to know and help him with it. He needs to know where you stand, but also that you do not look down on him for his weaknesses.
    Keep working on your communication. My husband and I are 11 years into our marriage and learning to communicate well has been a long journey, but worth it.

  20. I personally believe that to have a threesome while married is wrong while the Holy Bible does say that the marriage bed in not be fouled, there are still limits between what can and cannot be done. And that includes bringing in another person to fulfill what two people who have made a covenant with God should be doing with each other. Also what the bible says about homosexuality is that that is also a sin. So to ask your husband/wife to lie down with someone of the same sex to commit a sin for small simple sexual pleasures is absolutely wrong. As a husband/wife you are not supposed to lead one another down a path of sin but down the path of life and God. Besides if two married people do decided to engage in such activity one should question their love for one another. Many who are that deep in love would not even consider the endurance of seeing their spouse with another man/woman. And why would it be ok if you’re there to watch them, but if they’re alone then it’s considered cheating. IT’S NOT OKAY!!!!! At least not in Gods eyes!!!!


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