Here are two emails we recently received:
My question is this, is there a way to help my wife enjoy performing oral sex? When we first got married 30+ yrs. ago, for the 1st. year there was mutual oral sex between us and she seemed to truly enjoy that, as did I. Then after a year of marriage, she said she didn’t enjoy performing though she did and still does really enjoy receiving. I asked her about the 1st. year and she admitted that she only led me to believe she enjoyed it because she was afraid I would leave her. Well, here we are past our 30th wedding anniv. I haven’t and won’t leave her, but I do miss the receiving end of oral sex. So is there anything I can do??? Not, she said it was not the taste, though she rarely ever swallowed even then, she just says it’s simply the idea that bothers her about it. Can you give any advice???
I AM A MALE WITH A VERY HIGH SEX DRIVE AND WOULD LIKE TO GIVE AND RECEIVE ORAL SEX IN MY LIFETIME. WIFE DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ORAL SEX AND TRYING NEW THINGS. WHAT IS A MAN TO DO. IT JUST ABOUT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
Our target audience is women, and usually we do not answer questions like this from men. However, we get so many emails each week exactly like the two quoted above. I feel like there are probably women out there who could potentially benefit from talking about this subject. I know for a fact that there are many women who are just not comfortable giving oral sex. So let me address some common fears & concerns that you ladies may have out there. And any side notes for your husbands to read will be in blue. Hopefully this will prompt a discussion in the comments section.
Feeling Like Oral Sex is Sinful – If you are a woman who considers oral sex a sin, then I encourage you to read Cinnamon Stick’s article: Oral Sex: Spice or Sin? The Marriage Bed also offers Paul & Lori’s take on oral sex in their article: What’s Okay? What’s Not? I encourage you to re-examine why you feel the way you do. Is it simply because you were told so by your parents when you were growing up? Is it because of past abuse or sexual sin in your own life? Pray over these issues and ask God to help you work through them, so that you may look at your marriage bed with your husband as pure. (Husbands, encourage your wives to research this topic with you. Read the Song of Solomon together. Pray for and with your wives. Do not badger her about this, or you will end up pushing her away.)
Feeling Like the Penis is Dirty – It isn’t uncommon for women to think that the penis is full of germs. We see our husband go off to spend a full day at work, knowing that his penis is tucked up into his underwear where it will accumulate sweat during the day. We also know that he will undoubtedly have to use the bathroom at least once but probably a few times during the day. At its most simple form, this will involve him taking out his penis to urinate, and then putting it back. And woe to us if we even contemplate thinking about our husbands having to sit on the toilet for um… #2 I mean, I don’t know about your husbands, but I’m sure that every time my husband goes to poop, he wipes, washes everything thoroughly down there with antibacterial soap, rinses, and then is able to put away his penis knowing full well that it will never come in contact with anything dirty. (Just humor me and let me hang on to my little fantasy, ok?) The truth is that yes, the penis can get sweaty during the day. Yes, it is possible that it will come into contact with germs, even just from his hands. But If this is your major issue, then it can easily be overcome by a shower! If you are worried that your darling husband isn’t getting his stuff squeaky clean down there, then shower with him and offer to help him out! Then you can see for yourself that the germs are being washed away. (Husbands, take good care with your hygiene practices, and whenever possible, shower before you want oral sex.)
Fear Of Inadequacy – I remember feeling inadequate when I first went to give my husband oral sex. I had never done it before, so how was I to know if I was doing it right? It helped that my husband had never received oral sex before. So to him, any oral attentions that I gave him were wonderful! But even now, after 15 years of experience I still sometimes wonder if I’m doing a good job. It’s common for us to be critical of ourselves. We need to rise above this and make the decision to at least try to learn about giving oral sex to our husbands. For those of you out there who have never even tried it, you can start off very slowly, by just kissing his penis. Have him show you where he wants it kissed. Learn the areas that are the most sensitive (try just under the head). On those sensitive spots, just give him a lick with your tongue and see him shudder with delight. If you get uncomfortable and want to stop, then stop. Maybe the next time you can take things a little further. You don’t necessarily have to take his entire penis into your mouth the first time, or ever. Instead of sitting there thinking that you can’t, in your mind just keep telling yourself “I CAN!” For more information on beginning oral sex, check out my article Tasting His Fruit. (Husbands, encourage your wives by giving her praise when she does something that feels good to you. Point out to her where your penis is the most sensitive. If she reaches a point where she needs to stop, then tell her it’s okay and that you are proud of her for making it as far as she did! Baby steps over a period of time can result in much progress.)
Fear of Fluids – Okay ladies… Some of you are out there thinking that you don’t want to give oral sex to your husbands because you don’t want to have to taste his ejaculate. This issue is an easy one to deal with! You don’t have to taste it! Your husband will KNOW when he is getting ready to ejaculate. So when he is getting close, you can always work out a signal between you two, for him to let you know that he is getting ready to come. He could tap you on your shoulder or your head, or he could say a special word or phrase like: “I’m there!” When you hear or feel the special signal, you can stop and move your head. Then he can either pump himself or you can use your hand to pump him while he comes. The fluids will never enter your mouth. For more creative ways to handle your husband’s ejaculate, check out my article There He Blows! (Husbands, work out this signal with your wife, and do not ever forget to tell her when you are approaching climax. She is trusting you. If this is the fear that is holding your wife back from performing oral sex, then I will caution you that one time of forgetting will cost you.)
Fear of Size & Gagging – Some of you are out there thinking that you have a quick gag reflex and you just don’t believe you will be able to accommodate your husband’s size. If this truly concerns you, then go shopping! Yep, you read that right. Go to the grocery store and buy a banana or cucumber that you think is approximately the same size as your husband’s penis when erect. Length isn’t so much of an issue here, as girth is. So make sure you are looking for something that is about the same width, so that your mouth can get accustomed to it. (Don’t worry, the produce stockers will just think you are examining the fruits & vegetables for bruises ) Then take the fruit home and practice putting it into your mouth. Place a flavored condom over it if you want to. It will help it to glide better. Just practice putting it into your mouth a couple of inches. There is no rule that says you have to know how to deep throat, so get rid of those expectations if that is what is scaring you. (Husbands, do not make fun of your wife if she is honestly trying to overcome her inhibitions here. Support her and even go shopping with her!)
Whatever your issues are with oral sex, the best thing you can do is talk about them with your spouse. He cannot read your mind. Be honest about what aversions you have and discuss the possibilities of what prompted you to feel the way you do. Pray together about it, and see if you can agree to some kind of compromise.
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