Q&A: Is Erotica OK?

E R O T I C A

We received the following email from one of our readers:

I was wondering what you ladies thought of erotic stories. I know you addressed romance novels the other day, and I am interested to hear your thoughts on erotic stories. Are they just a form of pornography, or are they a tool that a husband and wife can use to spice up their love life? My husband and I enjoy reading erotic stories together, then acting out the scenarios. I am very blessed to have found your site. My husband and I are young Christians, and we are unsure of what is “okay” and what is not. Some of the erotic stories we read do involve lesbians, threesomes, and unmarried couples. We know that this is not right, but we are unsure if we are sinning since we are not lesbians, we do not participate in threesomes, and we are married. We are just really confused!

I applaud your desire to develop a hot and spicy love life and I hope that in the years to come your sexual relationship with your husband will grow in richness and passion. The reason why I offered to respond to this particular question is that it has been an area of weakness for me. I can relate to the desire to use erotica to become aroused and, yes, I do believe it is inappropriate. One reason is because I think that using other people’s sexual encounters to arouse us gets us out of the habit of using what God gave us. That is, a husband and wife one to another. It can become hard to get aroused once we don’t have those outside influences.

Also, regarding the point you made about the stories being based on sexually sinful relationships, when we give mental ascent to those things, I believe it does damage to what God is doing in us. To be aroused by lesbian, multiple partner or adulterous situations is allowing what is sinful to have a great effect on us. Trust me, I have been there and I know the draw that it can have, but I know that God has something better for us.

So then what about reading detailed information about a husband and wife’s sexual encounter? I believe this too is inappropriate because the specifics of someone else’s bedroom life, is a very intimate thing and it ought not to be shared with others. To read details about it, is to defile what God said is sacred between them.

If you found a fictional story where you could substitute your names and preferences, then I would not be as concerned. Having said that, for those who are addicted to needing external influence for arousal, those stories can open a door in their heart to desire something more and in that case they need to be sure to guard their hearts to a greater degree. Also be aware that many stories reflect that the characters are not married or are in morally inappropriate sexual situations. A better suggestion is that if you enjoy reading erotica, you might want to write your own. I created a collection of erotic short stories for my husband one year as a gift and they are particular to our desires and fantasies. If you don’t feel you are creative enough for this, ask God to increase your creative juices in this area and just let go. Spend an evening fantasizing about your spouse and then write out what you thought about. Read the stories to one another and then act out parts that are exciting.

So in short, reading erotica is a form of pornography in my opinion and it is best be avoided. I wouldn’t suggest to a couple that they use it to spice things up between them. There are better ways to do this.

15 Comments

  1. If you really do enjoy reading erotic stories and also desire to glorify the Lord, why not do both at the same time? Maybe spend some time with your husband reading through and really studying Song of Solomon together. There is no better portrayal of Christian, married, sexual love than this! If you really delve in and discover what the words mean, it is fairly descriptive and beautiful.

  2. I agree with you. Erotica has also been used to describe a medium of film and artwork as well as stories. Last month an episode of Oprah caught our attention about this topic: “237 Reasons to Have Sex.” I wrote a post about on the Covenant Eyes blog: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/08/18/oprah-winfrey-and-prescription-porn/

  3. That’s a great post in the link. Thanks for sharing it.

  4. My husband and I have written erotic stories to one another involving us and things we would like to do in a fantasy. I have used some of the erotic stories on the net and have revamped them to suit me and my husband. Great post.

  5. I have written erotic poetry in the past for my husband and only my husband. The cool thing is every time I read it, it never fails to arouse me! So writing your own is a suggestion I highly support.
    So do pray and tell God you have the desire to write this for your spouse and then wait and see what He will inspire in you!
    Good Luck!

  6. In a recent post I made about the Double Standard of Males and Female use of toys, I mentioned a system my husband and I have to allow for clear moments of love making and sexual fun. It has to do with erotica of a sort. When one of us is desirous of a certain type of setting we write it out in a short scripted scenarios and present it to our mate when we next see them or have it laying out for them to see and read when they get home. We give them time to properly prepare and they let us know when they are ready. For example I might wish to perform oral on my husband, I give him step by step information of what all I am interested in doing and he gets ready for it. Part of the fun for me is writing it out, waiting for him to get home, waiting as he reads it, as he get ready, knowing that he is preparing for me, and that it will soon happen. I get so aroused in anticipation. Sometimes we follow the script precisely, sometimes we read it as we go (this is where we are openly describing what is going in, how we feel, how it feels), sometimes we deviate according to passion, and sometimes more is simply added on at the end. Often with oral on him we make love as well, or he performs oral on me, sometimes oral on him is all that happens which is one of my favorites. The greatest thing with all of this is we know what the other person is thinking, wanting, and can properly prepare both physically and mentally for it. Then we can to please them to their hearts desire. I love it most when my husband writes his scripts letting me know Exactly what he is wanting, needing, desiring. Reading his short scripts is very erotic and gets me in the right frame of mind for sex, plus we no longer have that awkward, “Opps can’t go there, can’t do that.”

  7. Writing your own erotic stories is fantastic foreplay… it can last for hours, days sometimes!

  8. After 17 years of making love, we still, STILL really enjoy each other. We have always had a good sex life, and kept it interesting (in the pool, on a car hood, in the laundry room, on a wooded trail…) I could write erotica just based on our true stories… My question is, I have 4 kids. How do I keep it out of their sight?

  9. I’m very sensitive to this subject. Erotica took hold of me in high school and held onto me for about 4 years (going into college). I struggled with erotica because after reading an arousing story I didn’t have a husband to release my sexual tension to (and caused lots of frustration) which lead to masturbation. And I had promised myself to stay pure until marriage so sex with a boyfriend was out of the question.

    Well, here I am married! My husband and I were both virgins going to our honeymoon and it was great! But now I’m scared to pick up a book that may have a sex scene or so. There have been a few myestery books that I read that have blind sided me with a detailed sex scene. I get aroused and then my husband and I have awesome sex for ourselves that night. I feel this may start to cause a dependence for me (even though it hasn’t yet) like it did during my younger years. Even though I’m reading fiction and I typically substitute mine and my husbands names as the two main characters in a story, I’m not sure if this is still Christ like. When I do get aroused I’m typically always picturing my husband doing what the character is, but is that ok? I too am struggling with the ‘gray areas’ and would like some christian guidence.

    If this behavior will lead me down a path that will destroy our marriage, then I want to nip it in the bud now. Thanks :)

  10. Kelsey, I fully understand your comment about how erotica can take hold of you. As with my husband, pictures could easily grab him and words capture me. I could not read material with a sexy story line without easily getting aroused so I had to guard myself against anything outside of what my husband and I do within the confines of our bedroom.

    My experience is different in that I never masturbated much until I married and never opened up to sexual media until my husband and I were married. Together we read articles, books, browsed the internet and tried to learn all we could to enhance our sex lives over the years. We both quickly discovered our easy addiction to certain curiosities. Well the saying is true curiosity kills the cat. Suggestive sexy pictures aroused him and reading about them did likewise for me. We were young and naive enough to think we were strong enough to handle it but over time our sex live was a mess. We had not guarded our hearts beginning with our eyes and minds.

    Eventually we weeded out the negative influences – yes they still easily aroused both of us but it was just as easy to tell we had become addicted to other peoples’ works. That is when be decided to focus on our on works, we took pictures, filmed ourselves, wrote wild erotica about ourselves, role played, etc.

    Through all this we were in church, studying the word, learning but not growing. We spent so much time and energy – especially mentally on sex preparation that we found we had less and less quiet time with God. Once again we had placed something in front of God.

    The kicker was when it begin to seep into the realm of what we knew for certain was not biblical. That is when it hit us and we knew we needed to stop, pray, let God.

    For several months we made love via intercourse once every few days but nothing else. We continued to pray until we knew how to handle our situation. Together we set up clear and precise boundaries that we both agreed to. The #1 priority was our private quiet time and our time together with God. It must always be first. So our mornings begin with personal time with God. And our evenings end with our family time with God. Every Single Day – no misses, no recesses, no excuses.

    Not only have we grown spiritually and our walk with the Lord increases daily but every other area of our lives have fallen into place. Our finances, our family, our church life, our ministry to others, and of course our sex life. We put God first in everything on a daily basis and we now have such amazing freedom in our sex lives that I never would have imagined.

    Now back to my initial paragraph, notice I used the word could in and of can quite often. Both my husband and I are both still easily attracted to & influenced by the same things as before but now our relationship is focused on God and not each other. Yes we focus on one another but God is at the center – always so we longer desire worldly things. Sexually this means we play wilder and crazier than ever together having amazing fun sexually with God at the head of our lives individually and as a couple.

    If you have questions I am more than open to respond here.

    I highly recommend to contact Cinnamon Sticks as well, her article is very well constructed and I am certain through much prayer and study. As her and the ladies here for more insight scripturally to help you where you are currently in your walk with the Lord. That is the key to all fulfillment no matter what else you do all is pale in comparison.

  11. I have been married almost 10 years and am wanting to learn some new tricks :). My hubby’s life BC (before Christ) involved a lot of visual/experiences that I would like to replicate in the intimacy of our love chamber; such as strip tease, labdancing, poledancing etc. To learn these things I would have to watch how it’s done, get a feel for the sensuality involved. I know there are probably a lot of different opinions out there on this. My initial thought is that it’s ok, as long as I’m not lusting after what i see on the screen. The devil didn’t create those moves, he’s just used them to glorify his counterfeit to God’s original design. Yet those images do stick in the mind. Thoughts?

  12. Viewing any kind of erotic, sensual or sexual images triggers sexual feelings. We can easily get hooked on those pleasurable feelings and we can start a cycle of addiction just as difficult to break as an addiction to drugs. What you have seen, can be addicting as you noticed it for yourself. Scientific research is beginning to show that erotic and pornographic viewing may cause physical and chemical changes in the brain similar to those caused by drugs. The only sure way to avoid the threat is to stay away from this kind of entertainment in the first place. It is presented as attractive and good. But what starts out as a viewer activity introduces into one’s brain a vast collection of inconsiderate fantasies. These have the potential, much research suggests, of eventually being acted out—to the destruction of the individual and others around him.
    Sexual love is one of God’s great gifts to married couples. It allows us to participate in the act of creation, to know the great joy of having children. Sexual intimacy with genuine affection may also bond the husband and wife together and bless the man and woman with a special kind of joy and caring for each other. Indeed, the physical union of husband and wife is not only a commandment of God, but it is also a great blessing for us. So, I believe the best thing you can do for yourself and for your husband is to stay away from this kind of sites and get your imagination into action to please him…

  13. I found that there are dance studios that offer pole dancing lessons. I myself am not brave enough to go but sounds like you are. Mostly what I have read is that the people that teach the classes are dance instructors. So it seems like it might be something good for you to try!

  14. I went to my first pole dancing class ever tonight!!! It was really fun. I felt sensual and sexy. I’m not sure how many of the moves I’ll specifically show my hubby (its hard to do the moves without a pole) but it made me want to be more sexy with him. (and btw, it might be different for different individuals but i feel no conviction from God about being in this class. it was all women, and although he wasn’t at the class, my hubby is my focus when doing the moves). Go for it. One thing-wear booty shorts, it’ll make all the moves easier. I’m going back on Monday, definately bringing my stilettos this time.

  15. As of late we have had to rely on one another’s sexy text to help us when we are apart. We use live video when we can but more often use delayed text, email, with descriptive accounts to help one another during mb. We have had to become very creative during our time away from each other. But we are careful to not go outside the boundaries we set for our marriage as mentioned above in my earlier post. We talk about temptation, pray a lot for one another and ourselves, do not allow ourselves to be in sticky situations.


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