How Do I Know What’s OK?

In discerning what is and is not OK in a husband and wife’s sexual relationship when they have as much of a desire to walk rightly with God as they do to have a passionate marriage bed, I want to give you several guidelines to help you find clarity for your relationship with your spouse. We have spoken of these guidelines generally with certain topics as they have come up, but this article is focused on explaining each of them. Whether you are considering oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, masturbation, role playing, light bondage or simply even a new position, I offer you these questions to consider as you look at whether or not to include it on your shelf of spices.

Does this sexual act include anyone other than your spouse? Whether the person is physically in the room as in the case of threesomes, or if they are on a television screen in the case of pornography, or even if they are mentally in your head in the case of fantasizing about having sex with someone else, we would encourage you not to include these activities in your marriage bed. Although they might seem erotic and sexy, they will be a distraction from God’s plan for your hot and spicy sex life.

Is this sexual act something that both spouses agree they would like to try? If one spouse would like to try an activity in bed and the other feels it is wrong or simply feels really uncomfortable doing it, it should remain off the table until unity is reached. Now, there are situations where a husband or wife wishes to avoid all sex and in this case we are dealing with a sin issue of refusal which you can find information about here. However when I speak of being in agreement, I mean that if, for example, one spouse wants to have sex somewhere semi-public and the other is uncomfortable with it, the one who desires it should present it on occasion and then let the other person choose to try it or not. Strongly pressuring your spouse because you find it highly erotic and know that it would add to your sexual experience will actually make them less likely to try it. Refusing a specific act is not the same as refusing sex. Having said this, let me encourage you to try things you are a bit uncomfortable with if your spouse shows an interest. Sometimes we view something as sin either because we were taught that it is, though it may not actually be so, or because we fear it. Pray about it. If it is sin, avoid it. If it is something you fear or something someone else told you was wrong, consider trying it if you feel peace about that. Ask God to give you truth as you seek out what is and what is not sinful.

Is this sexual act one that God has clearly told us in Scripture is to be avoided? There are some acts which we are told in the Bible are not for us to participate in. Among the list are sex with animals, sex with someone of the same gender, and sex with someone who is married to someone else. Trying to justify our sin by saying that a loving God wouldn’t restrict us in these ways is harmful primarily to our relationship with Him, but also to our spouse. God planned for sex to be the way He did for a reason. When we avoid the things He tells us to avoid, then sex as He planned it to be from the beginning can be restored. Remember that before sin entered the world Adam and Eve walked around naked all the time. Sin, not God, caused them to think there was something wrong with their sexuality.

Does this sexual act move you towards deeper intimacy or further away? There are some things which could be a distraction from where our sexual energy should be focused. Fetishes would fall into this category. Dictionary.com defines a fetish as “any object or non-genital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.” If you love your wife’s sexy feet or your husband’s strong broad shoulders and they are a turn on for you, this is not a harmful fetish unless you require these body parts to be involved in order to become aroused. A harmful fixation on a fetish will result in the item or body part becoming a greater focus than your spouse which will not facilitate deeper intimacy.

Does this sexual act degrade or cause pain to my spouse? There are a number of sexual acts which some people participate in that are degrading to one of the people. Acts involving bodily waste (scat, golden showers, emetophilia…) have no place in a sexual relationship where the husband and wife are also seeking to live a life of devotion to the One who said that husbands should love their wives and wives should respect their husbands. As well, if you and your spouse enjoy the teasing and playfulness and trust involved in light bondage and that builds your intimacy then feel free to incorporate it, but anything in the arena of BDSM which causes pain or is motivated by a desire to intimidate the one God has given you to be your lifelong companion should not be incorporated. Violence is unacceptable.

I hope these guidelines are helpful as you honestly look at the options you have for spicing things up. Really, there are far more things that you can enjoy together, than those you can not. And for the things that shouldn’t be included, there are legitimate reasons. Don’t fight God on it, trust Him. If you don’t believe in God, try living sexually this way for awhile and see what comes of it.

27 Comments

  1. Thank you Cinnamon Sticks, I appreciate the time you take on the construction of these compositions and really appreciate reading them.

    smokeypuss.

  2. What do you say about threesomes if you and your spouse agree to it and the third party is just there to spice things up.

  3. Cinnamonsticks addressed the issue of threesomes in the second paragraph of this article. For more information on threesomes, look here: Threesomes: Are Christians Tempted? It doesn’t matter if you and your spouse both agree to it. Sin is still sin.

  4. Thank you Cumingirl for not watering down your comment. Sometimes there are no grey areas!

  5. Cinnamonsticks i think you have made some very good points in this article. I agree with you that it is important to try and avoid sin…however when it comes to sex this is not totally possible.

    The reason is that human sexuality is inherently sinful. It wasn’t originally that way before the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, but after the fall human sexuality, or our perception and experience of it changed. As evidence of this look at what happened to Adam and Eve. Before their original sin they were able to parade around naked without the slightest sense of wrongdoing! However after their sin they had to cover their nakedness. It’s not because they had children or there were other people around that might see them. No! They were the only two people on earth! Yet now they could not bear to look at each others privates without experiencing a deep sense of sin! Remember this is long before the porn industry ever muddied the water and in fact no overt sexual sins had ever been committed by the human race up to that point. Yet Adam and Eve were immediately aware that there was something inherently sinful about their sexuality to the point that they needed to cover themselves up! God ratified their new understanding by providing them with a suit of clothing to cover their privates made out of the skins of an innocent animal….pointing to the coming innocent sacrifice of Jesus Christ to pay for this (and all sin).

    This also creates a dilemma for the Christian husband and wife. There is still this sense of sinfulness that pervades human sexuality. I think this is part of the reason that sex suffers within the marriages of (most) couples today that are truly devoted to the Lord Jesus Christ. Devoted Christians want to flee from anything that is tainted by sin out of a desire to live a life pleasing to the Lord. But this creates an even bigger dilemma. It is impossible to have an intimate relationship with you wife without having great sex! This problem is a catch 22. To uncover the nakedness of your spouse is to expose yourself to the inherent sinfulness of human sexuality…..but to avoid sex causes a breakdown in the marriage relationship. So what is a Christian to do?

    I have been reading the things that people have been saying on this website and have found them to be very instructive and helpful. I also see that there is a desire here to try and take the sin out of human sexuality yet keep it exiting and I think this is a very commendable goal. However I don’t think it is totally possible. Consider for example what you have said about having sex in semi-public places. What is it that makes this act so exciting? It is the presence of “others” and that you have put yourself in proximity to them where they might (remotely) discover you!….which is sinful. Whether you are in a movie theater or a dressing room it is involving others (in your mind) by virtue of their proximity to your sexual activity and the naughtiness of doing this. What about light bondage? What is it that makes this so exciting? It is the imagined desire to be forced into sex!….which is unlawful! It’s this very unlawfulness which makes these acts so exciting! Is it possible to completely clean up sex? Adam and Eve could not bear to look on each others nakedness and if you look upon the nakedness of your spouse it will also ignite sinful passions within you by virtue of your fallen nature.

    Since it was impossible to take the inherent sinfulness out of human sexuality in the idyllic surroundings of the Garden of Eden, it is equally impossible to clean it up completely now. The only solution to the problem today is the same solution that was offered by God back then…..the covering garment of a sacrifice. If you uncover the nakedness of your spouse you will expose yourself to the sinful passions of our fallen nature (“the flesh”) there is no way around that. So go and have good and exciting sex with your spouse…. and afterwards break some unleavened bread together and drink some grape juice…..and trust in the sacrifice that was made for this sin by the Lord Jesus Christ at Calvary.

  6. I went back and forth on whether or not to approve this comment, but I do so for one reason. Not to argue any of the points with the commenter, but to use it as an example to the rest of our readers of exactly why we feel compelled to write on this blog. The sentiment contained in this comment is far too prevalent in the Church today. And it is a lie from the enemy. The only reason why a husband and wife ever need to process shame is when they have gone outside God’s plan for sex. And even then. It’s isn’t about shame. It’s about removing things that come between us and the Lord. Premarital sex, pornography, adultery, using sex as a bartering tool, sexual refusal…. These are sexual sins and need to be repented of. Sex between a husband and wife is a celebration and can be enjoyed in total freedom if people aren’t bound up by ideas like this. There isn’t any need to ask for forgiveness or get right with God after a good romp. God delights in the pleasure that his children get from sex in the right circumstances. In song of solomon the only time the Lord speaks is to tell the new bride and groom to enjoy and drink their fill. We say the same to all the married women who read here. Enjoy sex with your husband to the full.

    No further comments will be approved from this commenter as our blog is not the place to debate this specific issue. Sex is good, God given and a celebration. End of debate.

  7. Sorry, I have to put in my two cents worth.

    I agree with AJ that sadly, due to the fall, all sexuality is now fallen.

    However, I also believe that sex between a man and his wife can, indeed should, be a redemption of this reality. There is no need to confess or take communion for such a gift being used in the way that it was originally intended. I am so looking forward to redeeming my sexuality with my husband before God. Roll on July!

  8. oh my, I knew that sex was really hush-hush in the church, but I’ve never before heard all that ‘reasoning’ (so-called, as I there are many logical fallacies there).
    How sad :(

    At first when we got married, I was very shy about my body and about sex (having never even been held by my husband before our wedding night) but once we got over the bashfulness, lovemaking intimacy was something we could enjoy fully – on an emotional level even when we (I) couldn’t fully enjoy it physically… And even before the bashfulness was gone, we enjoyed it without the slightest worry that we were doing something wrong… And I’ve taken that for granted, I think. I figured most people could enjoy it that way..
    I’m glad ya’ll are spreading this message, b/c this lie about sex is really a bondage that ppl are under.

  9. Thank you girls for your strong stand! It’s this way of judgemental thinking that breaks down the marriage and thus families. I have been born and raised in a STRONG fundamental Baptist church and home and have been taught to run from that kind of bible perversion. My pastor teaches marrital sex is good, my parents lived it, paving the way for my sexual attitude and my DH and I are trying to pass this on to our children. Sex was created by a loving God for his children to enjoy!
    I don’t know if this will be posted just needed to comment and let you “CN” know your stand is appriciated. :)

  10. I was going to leave this comment in the “prayer and praise” section, but after reading this, I thought here was appropriate. My husband and I just found out about a couple at our church where the husband believes sex is a sin unless you are trying for a baby. From what I understand, when they’re not trying, they don’t have sex. How sad! My husband and I just can’t wrap our minds around it. So my purpose was to ask for prayer for them, and to illustrate how VERY important it is for Christians to stand up and TALK about sex. Tell the truth about sex. More pastors need to get in the pulpit and talk about sex. God made it. It turns two separate people into one flesh. It gives life. It feels great. It’s lots of fun. And there’s nothing wrong with that. :)

  11. Rattled smP checking in,

    I will so NOT take Holy Communion as a ‘cover up’ for my outrageously delicious sex romps with my God-approved husband. I am freed from that legalistic garbage.
    I will so not bow, or cave, to the notion that the very delight I have found in my awakened sexual desire for my husband is sinful. Freely will I indulge myself.
    I will so not wallow in guilt for lusting after my husband’s body when he is changing in front of me. In total abandonment will I look adoringly at him.
    I will likewise feel totally uncondemned and rest in being entirely physically satiated when I go to the gym or elsewhere and see other attractive men because I am fulfilled in my own marriage bed. My husband is all the man I crave.

    I am getting ready to have a decidedly lusty time with my darling tonight so will get my dear rear off this computer and begin flirting with him as we ready for bed.

    smP out.

  12. Adam and Eve were not trying to hide from one another but from God. If you read Genisis 3:10 and 11. Adam says that he covered himself because he heard God in the garden and was afraid so he covered himself. It says that they realized that they were naked but not that they were trying to hide from one another. Just that they knew they were naked and needed to hide themselves from God who walked with them at times in the garden.

  13. I know I’m new to this site, but I figured I’d put in my two cents. DH and I have been married 11 months. Our pastor, when we were going through the premarital counselling told us to have lots of sex. God glorifying sex. Marriage is between three people, God, the husband and the wife. God is supposed to be in the marriage bed with us. In the marriage bed, between the husband and wife, anything goes as long as both agree, no other person is involved, and we are honoring God in this wonderful gift He given a husband and wife. And when I’m yelling “oh God” it isn’t directed towards my DH, it’s directed to my Creator. He gave this to us and He enjoys us having pleasure in the other and want’s to be involved.

    Sorry if I rambled, but I hope I got my point across.

  14. I love that the Apostle Paul defines sin as anything not done in faith (Romans 14:23). Making love to our husbands according to both the constraints and liberties of scripture and nature makes the act of making love…an act of faith.

    We have word-nourished faith (Roman 10:17) that our sexuality is gift from God. We have faith that it can be procreative, recreative and righteous. We have faith that God can be glorified in all aspects of our lives whicj\h includes sex.

    It’s beautiful and right that we share Godly principles that not only caution to avoid sexual vices but point us to sexual virtues. Thank you for doing so.

  15. I actually think AJ is on the right track here, because not everyone is able to have “outrageously delicious sex romps” with their husbands (although I wish it were true!) and it’s important for us to realize what’s holding us back. I think where AJ is mistaken, however, is that sexuality in and of itself is not sinful. God created it, so therefore it’s good. However, throughout the old testament, things having to do with sex were used as a symbol of sin. Think about all those rules about what was “clean” and what was “unclean”! So many of them related to sex, childbirth, and menstruation!

    Fortunately, we have a God who loves us in spite of our sin. We are the Bride of Christ – an inherently sexual metaphor. He is committed to us forever, but we have to be completely naked with him. Exposed. Admitting all our faults and weaknesses and sin. And then he forgives us and washes us white as snow.

    I think that sex is a beautiful opportunity for a husband and wife to come together and show God’s redeeming love to each other: “I see your nakedness. I see your sin. And I love you more than you can imagine. I love you so much that I’m going to give myself to you.”

    So yes, sexuality can be a symbol of sinfulness, but it also is a powerful symbol of redemption.

  16. What a wonderful and insightful comment Deia!
    Thank you!

  17. Thank you Cinnamonsticks for standing up for the truth! Satan is in the business of trying to convince all of mankind to exchange the truth for a lie…esp. Christians! I was floored by some of AJ’s comments for they are just not to be found in God’s Word. Sex is good. It was created by a loving Holy God. I totally agree with your (3) criteria for how to define if some sexual act is a sin. Wow! The way I see it, Christian couples are freer than anyone to enjoy this wonderful gift. When my DH and I are “together” it IS spiritual in nature…we are one in spirit and the flesh…so powerful…it could ONLY come from an all powerful and loving creator. How can anyone “trash” what God has created…it’s inconceivable.

  18. My husband has asked me to pee on him and it turned him on. I really don’t understand it, but he really wanted it so I did it.

  19. If I were in your situation I would be sure that I understood why.

  20. HisWoman, Several years ago my DH asked me to do the same thing. I “ve never refused him anything in the bedroom, but this embarrassed me and I declined. The subject came up again and again until we finally had a heart to heart about it. It turned out that what I saw as him being sexually being turned-on was actually child-like excitement and curiosity. He explained that after 12 years of marriage I had seen him pee in the woods a hundred times and even held it for him once or twice (child-like curiosity to see what its like to be a guy), but I always send him ahead or close the door for a little privacy. I saw his point and agreed to let him watch me , but he persisted that I pee on him. He wouln’t give me a reason but only asked me to trust him that it wasn’t sexual for him. After much prayer and considereing my DH has never given me a reason not to trust him, I suprised him in the bath tub several weeks later. The look in his eyes was so that of curiosity seeing where it came from. We rinsed off and filled the tub to soak for awhile and he held me and said thank you for indulgeing him. I asked so why on you? He said You always hold back in certain positions when you climax because it feels like you have to pee and you didn’t want to pee on me, now you have baby no holding back. I have since had many earth moving O’s and the occaisional FE. Sometimes times I think my DH knows me better than I know myself. Trust God and pray about it, trust your husband and talk about it. This was a barrier that needed to be broken in our journey to oneness. I thank God daily for a wise and loving husband.

  21. Wow carpentersdream, well worded.

    Peeing on each other has never appealed to my husband or I. We’ve talked about it and can understand why some people enjoy this form of sex play.

    There are times when I have FE that I am sure urine is mixed in, which mortifies me. My husband finds the whole ‘ letting go of my passion ‘ a wonderful part of our love making and brushed my fears aside about possibly peeing on him! If I do go crazy and pee slightly, he and I are so excited at that time that it does not matter. I change sheets a bunch and have awesome sex with my man.

    Magnificent mutual orgasms are more important that being gripped with fear of what might happen, body function wise.

  22. Smokeypuss, Thank you. Your openess and honesty in your postings has inspired me to do the same.
    For years my DH tried to get me to “let go” but I just couldn’t get past having an accident during sex. I am so glad and thankful that he found a non-sexual yet sensual way to satisfy his curiosity and to get me past this barrier that was holding me back. It’s funny how this has affected other aspects of or lives, the bathroom door is hardly ever closed and that extra few moments together in the morning to talk and plan our day before getting the kids up and ready for school is truely a blessing.
    Curiosity is getting the best of me, is there a story behind “Smokeypuss”?

  23. I have a question regarding the use of “dirty” words during sex. I don’t see it addressed anywhere else on the site, but if it is, I’d appreciate you pointing me in its direction. Specifically, I’m referring to the use of the “F” word during orgasm as an exclamation. Thanks.

  24. Yes, you can read our opinion on this topic HERE. :)

  25. I agree mostly with all of these comments. However my DH and I actively and regularly engage in pee play of all sorts both in the context of our marriage bed and out. Yes it is a turn on for us but certainly not a fetish. It has never been used to degrade either of us. There is nothing physically unhealthy about the act and it strengthens our bond of intimacy, trust, and love. Our preferences and what we enjoy doing with each other in our marriage spawns a healthy relationship between us. Certainly there are those who misuse this kind of play an many others. I don’t think it’s necessarily what you’re doing in your marriage bed that’s a sin as much as the intent and the reason for which you do it. Great site by the way. It’s very encouraging to see Christians who aren’t afraid to bask in the gifts that God has given us. :-)

    Let me clarify my comment. What I meant was that that particular act isn’t always sexual for us that we are indeed monogamous

  26. My husband and I try our best to base our sexual pleasure around God’s teachings. I found this blog to be a great resource! We have been practicing Natural Family Planning for two years now, and have only recently learned to really let loose when I am not fertile. The past couple of months we have been experimenting with sex toys. Usually they just sit in the drawer, and we don’t need them. But if either of us is feeling “naughty”, the toys are just arms length away.
    We both feel that the act itself is the real pleasure, and that these toys are nothing but “marital aids”, or accessories if you will.
    We also never use them by ourselves, or after sex. Only foreplay. In other words, only to help heighten pleasure while finishing or consummating the act in the natural way – together. It certainly has been interesting learning about our sexuality after we got married. I never learned any of this while being homeschooled! LOL

  27. I have a question and I really would like some advice. the other day my dh hinted that he would like it if I would be dominating,maybe some light spanking,verbally insulting,that kind of thing. I am not against the idea,I think it could be fun,especially since I am the soft-spoken,have it your way dear,kind. I really want to fulfill his fantasies. My only hang-up is this…his mom was not really good to him at all and gave him some scars(he wasn’t molested or anything,she was just nasty). He struggles with an attitude against women that we are all not to be trusted,don’t love them too much bc they’ll just turn around and hurt you kind of thing. I don’t want this to turn into enabling him with his negative thinking. I don’t want him to go to a bad place in any way when he thinks about me. What do you think? Am I thinking too much?


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS

  • Click here
  • November 2008
    S M T W T F S
    « Oct   Dec »
     1
    2345678
    9101112131415
    16171819202122
    23242526272829
    30  
  • Archives

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 862 other followers