Your comment really spoke to me. The pain you’re describing must be so difficult.

My husband is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. About two months before we got engaged, he disclosed this to me. I was the first person he had ever told. Most of his family still does not know. His young adult life was riddled with violence, drugs, alcohol, and other risk-taking behaviors.He has been diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. We’ve been married five years now. It took me years to convince him to seek any outside help or counseling. We’ve talked with our pastor, he has a regular therapist, is on mood-regulating medication, and has learned a great deal about coping with it. That said, we continue to struggle as a couple to overcome what is, for many survivors, a life-long hurt.

While I know that counseling cannot solve every problem, this seems like a good time for the two of you to consider finding a Christian marriage counselor that specializes in CSA (childhood sexual abuse). It’s important that you are able to have a discussion with your husband (who you clearly love very, very much!). It is so easy for co-survivors (spouses, family members, friends) to feel shut out or rejected by a survivor struggling in their recovery in a variety of ways. While his own journey of healing is so, SO important, your own self-care is important, too. It’s important for him to know that when he touches you physically, it shows you how much he loves you, it helps you to feel closer/connected to him, and it is a physical reminder of a holy bond between the two of you, a SAFE PLACE to love. Maybe, also, a discussion with him about some things that might help you satisfy your needs in a way that isn’t triggering for him emotionally. Things like digital/oral stimulation, aided masturbation, heavy petting, toys, sexy talk… I know that these suggestions certainly won’t fix everything. Patience is going to be an important part of this process, too.

My prayers are with you both. I know this must be a huge struggle for you.

Take care,

Elizabeth

Any suggestions, as well as prayers, would certainly be appreciated.

I pray that someone reading this post will reach out to you with some answers.

Til then, please know that you matter, and I am so glad that you shared your burdens. You should not have to bear this alone.

You probably do not need to go through each and every memory. I would start by asking Jesus to give you a symbolic picture of what the abuse has done to your heart and soul. Then put your faith in Him as Redeemer and ask Him what it would look like for Him to enter into that picture. What does He want to change? What does He want to take away? What does He want to give you? If at any time what you hear/think/feel causes you to feel condemnation, then recognize that as lie and reject it. That’s where I would start.

Yes, I did smile. ) It was very sweet of you to call me that. Someday I really will be . . . Wholeheart . . . right now it is just broken.

I think the reason that I didn’t think anyone would care is because to the core of my being I feel utterly worthless and insignificant. I know in my head that it is not supposed to be true but it is how I feel deep inside. I live every day with intense shame, self-hatred and guilt. Lest you despair and think what a total mess I am – (well, I am) . . . God, in His mercy, has revealed this to me . . . He is not letting me “stuff” things deep inside anymore . . . He is doing surgery . . . and He is facing me up with my sin. As for me, it is excruciatingly painful and I would rather run away from Him than toward Him. But . . . He has other ideas. Soooo I will yield my heart to Him, and surrender again and again and again . . . and as i do this and learn truly that He is safe and does heal broken hearts . . . Isaiah 61, Luke 4 . . . someday He will heal me and I will become . . . Wholeheart.

You, Smokeypuss, and the others on this site give me hope. Hope is a great gift. Thank you.

It helps. Thanks for not being offended at my question. You answered it well. I told Cinnamonsticks I was afraid to ask Jesus where He was in all this. I am trying to understand God weeping over this. I have always thought He was a distant detached observer – He just watched and did nothing. I have been really angry at Him but I am willing to let Him change my heart and mind in this. I know I believe lies about God and myself that need to change. How does this stuff go from mental assent to reality – to my heart?

I am going to get the workbook and start on it soon. Thank you for your help – I really may ask you some questions. I have a lot of them. /

I’ve never thought of Him as a safe place. I always thought I had to get “cleaned up” or be “good” to approach HIm. He embraces me the way I am? Wow! That amazes me. I am at the beginning of this healing journey and I’m not looking forward to dealing with the intense pain of working through the memories. If I can really understand that God is safe, maybe I’ll survive the process of walking through this mess.

I am hearing God heals this stuff. I’m not sure I believe that yet but if it is true, how do I know when I am healed? How does this process work? Will I have to go through every memory? Sounds awful but I have heard that freedom is worth it. Is it? I’m not sure.

Thx for your reply. I am always amazed when people, who have suffered terrible pain, are surprised when someone does care. It makes me more determined than ever to reach out to strangers when out doing my mom stuff.

Take heart and believe that God does have ‘ears’ in the many followers of His. Yes, we are all busy but there is always a way to speak and have your voice heard.

Don’t shut up any time soon. You will receive comfort as you seek it.

God bless your weekend and life. Please let us all know how you are doing as you heal and grow. I am excited about what God is going to do with your life.

What Allender is saying is that the abuse leads many on us into a sinful life style. He say we are responsible for our sins just like people who were not abused. Yes some of us respond in a sinful way, I did. What I learned from him was that what was done to me was sinful and God cried over it. But God is still holding me responsible form my reaction to what happened. God wants to help me heal so I don’t live that lifestyle anymore. But I still need to ask God for forgiveness for what I did in response the abuse. God want to help me to not see myself as a victim but as His beautiful and wonderful child. Remember this God wept when you were abused.

I really recommend doing the workbook at the same time. It will help pull everything all together. WeI will all tell you it is a step by step process. I still from time to time have to deal with flashbacks and unwanted memories. But know they are easier to handle with God’s help.

I hope this helps. feel free to ask me questions any time.