Q&A: Finding a missing orgasm?

We got this email recently from a reader…

When my husband and I are making love-I get to the point where I am about to have a clitoral orgasm. I start to get a hint of one coming and then it shuts down. It happened once and now every time we make love I am afraid it will happen again and it does because my mind is dwelling on it. Then I feel empty a little because I didn’t orgasm. I don’t want to go to the bathroom and take care of myself if you know what I mean. I know that will start something bad. How do I get my mind to shut down and not worry about the orgasm? This just happened recently. Before this I would have no problem at all . I let my husband know that it is not him. He does please me. It’s my mind getting in the way.

I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me.  I feel an orgasm coming on.  I can feel it start, and then just as soon as it starts, it’s gone.   It could be that we shifted position just slightly…it could be that he started thrusting at a different speed…it could be my mind races to something else, but the frustrating thing was knowing it was coming, and then it doesn’t.    No matter how hard you try, it won’t come back.

It’s a mystery, isn’t it?  It was there, and now it’s gone.  In the case of this reader, she may still have the longing to have it. Or someone else may be frustrated because it was right there on the tip of her clitoris!

There are two things to approach here.   First of all, do I go and finish it myself?    I wouldn’t unless I have permission from my husband.   I know that if I ask him, my husband would finish me in some other way, whether by oral, or by handing me a vibe and wanting to watch me get there with the vibe.  It can hurt your spouse if he gets the gist that he isn’t good enough to make you orgasm, and you’d rather take care of it yourself.   Is there a certain position that causes the clitoral stimulation better?  Was he thrusting fast or slow?  Is there some kind of touch that he can use to help?   Communicate to your spouse what was  happening when the orgasm started, and see if you can recreate it again the next time you make love.   There are times that I can get my husband’s erection back, even if he has ejaculated, and we can use a vibe on me while he is thrusting again.  If you and your hubby can do something like this, I would recommend trying it to see if you can get the orgasm to come back.

The second thing…how do I stop dwelling on it?   If you are a woman who has never orgasmed or has a very hard time orgasming, this can be very frustrating.  I used to be like this, and I am much more orgasmic since my awakening, so I am trying to think back here… The easiest thing to say is that you need to put it behind you.  Literally.  Just like repented sin, you have to leave it in the past and focus on the here and now.   Come into each lovemaking session with a positive attitude.  You know the book “The Little Engine That Could”?   What did he say?  “I think I can.  I think I can.”  If you come together with your husband each time with the expectation that you CAN orgasm, the mental aspect could really help you to relax and look forward to the possibilities that are to come.   If you still find yourself dwelling on it, you need to find a way to release the tension in your worry.   Take a long, hot bubble bath.    Put on some relaxing music.   Ask your hubby to give you a massage with lotion or oil.   Light some candles and bask in the warm glow during foreplay.   Is there something he can do for you during foreplay that might help get the body stimulated enough?  I know there are times when outer course can really get me going to where I am ready to beg him to enter me.   Whatever it takes to help you relax, I would make it a priority to help get ready for intercourse.

Remember that your husband loves you.  He will want to do anything to please you and to help you.  Be sure to communicate your frustrations with your spouse, and maybe he can help come up with some ways to help you relax and enjoy the lovemaking.   If you have any ideas for this reader and you want to add them to the comment section, I know it would be helpful to many.

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  • May 2010
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