Unhealthy Expectations

“I did a search for christian dominatrix. My husband is not a christian and expects so much of me and I am willing, but  I don’t know how to go to the extreams that he wants. He is into humiliation and pain which I see you guys don’t condone, but I don’t know how to fulfill his desires for that. He is really into porn and has had girlfriends all over the US. He has also paid dom’s to tell him what to do. I got involved once and it was ok, but I hated having a 3rd party involved in our sex life. I am not creative to txt him msgs to do and when I try to do it at home he blows me off. He wants me to dominate him, but won’t let me. I am a very very very sexual person. We have had sex once or twice if I was lucky since beginning of Feb. I try to dress up I try to do so much. He is very physical like smacking and grabbing my butt chest etc. outside the bedroom, but he never never initiates sex and when I do I am expected to do all the work. I have begged him to tie me up and tease me, but no cigar. I tried to text him today like your article said that I was enjoying myself and I would show him what I was up to later and he just said. OK and didn’t care. I feel hopeless that I will never have the sex life I want with him. I am so frustrated.”

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We decided to consult a professional on this email and so here is the response from Lauren Jordan, Certified Sex Therapist:

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I can hear how hurt and frustrated you are.  I would urge you to insist to your husband that you start sex therapy as a couple immediately.  From what you are saying, your relationship sounds very one-sided – with you putting all the effort into it, while he stays in a position of denying your desires, and demanding things from you.  This is not healthy, and it will take the help of a skilled therapist to help you two move out of this very negative and destructive pattern.  I can also imagine that he may not agree to go to therapy – but I don’t see how this can get better without both of you working hard to resolve these differences.

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Lauren Jordan, LCSW, CST
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