Q&A: Why talk during sex?

“My husband likes to talk and whisper ALL THE TIME when we make love.  Why does he have to do that?  He knows what I like, but he continues to ask me questions (like if I want him to suck my nipples or does he want me to have him pinch and pull on them?)  Also when he gives me oral sex, he tells me how good I taste and how good I smell and how much he wants to taste me.  I am very quiet when we make love.  Do you think he wants me to talk too?  Or do you think he might want me to talk “dirty” to him?”

Some people are definite talkers.  Sounds like your husband is one of them!  Whispering and talking during sex is a complete turn on for many people (myself included).  Hearing things spoken audibly can heighten awareness and arousal.

Just think about it for a minute… when you are making love to your husband, many times you may think “I would love it if he _______ right now.” But you don’t actually say it.  You may hint to him or give him some bodily language that tells him what you want instead.  What do you think would happen if you spoke those thoughts aloud?

For me it was two fold.  When I started talking out loud to my husband during sex, I noticed his arousal increased, his erection became even harder, and he became more passionate with me.  What I didn’t plan on was the second factor.  I became more aroused and I self-lubricated more.  Hearing myself saying things to my husband out loud that I had once hidden in my mind was so invigorating and empowering for me!  I loved the fact that my words had power over my husband.  I loved seeing the physical evidence of his arousal and desire heightening as I spoke.  I loved hearing myself claim words that were once too risqué for me to use.  It felt so freeing to be able to speak in clear terms what I wanted to do to him and what I wanted from him during our love making, and my husband reveled in this new found freedom!

It may be the same for your husband.  You say that he likes to tell you how good you taste or how badly he wants to taste you.  It sounds like he is trying to use words as a part of foreplay.  He is wanting to get you all hot and bothered and at the same time he is probably affecting his own arousal by hearing himself speaking to you in that way.

So, a couple of things come to mind here.  First, does it bother you that he talks like he does?  If this is something that is truly bothersome for you, then you need to talk to him about this.  If his talking during sex is working the opposite way he intends for it to, then he needs to know that it’s a ‘turn off’ for you.  If it’s not a bother, then my second question revolves around you talking.  Is this something that you’d like to be able to do more with him?  Taking that first step is often difficult, but once you break the ice you may find that giving your thoughts a voice enhances your love making experience with your husband.  For some suggestions on how to get started talking, check out:  Oh Yes Baby!  Don’t Stop! or Dirty Words in the  Bedroom.

7 Comments

  1. Yes it is foreplay for husbands. Mine does it as well. I was much like you and often preferred to be quiet so I could pay attention to the feelings, sometimes he distracted me. Then I discovered I was actually holding myself back by not being verbal. I had never been very good at describing sex and desires to my mate until I became more verbal during making love. Now I am as verbal as my husband if not more and I am able to be specific about what I need, want, feel, think, and can relay it clearly to my husband. Oh My, things have gotten so mcuh better sexually. Also as I ramp uo verbally my mind ramps up and my body soon follows. This has encouraged my husband to be more open sexually and verbally and I have learned things that he was holding back on. The sex talk is loads of fun, very sexual, hot, and keeps us both engaged instead of appearing to be a dead fish.

  2. I also think that husbands just want to know that we are as in to it as they are. I talked with my husband about this once (he’s a talker too) and he said that he loved the reassurance that sexy talk gives. He would tell me how much he loved how I tasted as well. He is essentially asking for the same assurance. Our husbands want to know that we desire them and love every aspect of love making. I agree though, sexy talk is liberating and so much fun for us too :)

  3. I talk during sex all the time, sometimes by husband does too but hardly ever

  4. Same with me. Hubby talks only if he’s very turned on (like when he’s about to climax). Wish he would talk more!

  5. My husband and I talk during sex too. Maybe not a lot or enough, but we’re both verbal. Most of the time it’s me telling him “I love you” or phrases that help set the pace (or if I’m ready for more). Most he’ll say is when he’s coming to. We do talk a lot during afterplay :).

  6. I LOVE talking to my DH before during and after. He’s never seemed to mind it. He’s liked hearing what I want to do in the past. So, I’ve started asking what he prefers to hear / say and what kinds of things he thinks about during sex. I want to know his triggers so I can drop some comments or images to send him to the moon. The problem is, the moment I wanted in his mind, he clammed up and we haven’t spoken about it since. There’s been no mood for me ever since.

  7. well dont let it kill your sex life!! talking about sex is hard–embarassing even–much less talking about sex-talking :P be patient with him and show him you two can build mutual trust in talking about this; encourage him by continuing to talk to him during sex, and throw in a question with it every now and then, like what he’s thinking or feeling, for starters. dont let it be a block! :)


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