Sacred Sex: Chp. 5

This chapter seemed to fly by as I was reading it!  I totally understand what he was saying in the first few pages about all aspects of our lives being interconnected with each other, but I have to admit that I still tend to try and compartmentalize everything.  I think it goes back to my um… control issues, and trying to have everything in it’s place.  I do that physically and emotionally.  I’ve been that way for so long that it’s just a given part of my personality.  But I think the fact that I realize I’m like this means that there is hope for constructive change in myself… right?

Okay, so he discusses the four bases of Meta-Sex, and last week’s chapter addressed first base, or Holy Sex.  Second base kind of hit home with me.  He said: “No couple can enjoy a mutually fulfilling sexual connection if other significant issues are being ignored.” Well, this definitely supports the notion that all parts of our lives are connected on a deeper level.  But he went a step further by saying: “And we’ll never feel that we matter deeply to another human being if our mate is nonchalant about things that matter to us.” I think I must have backed up and read that line about 7 times.  Without going into too much detail, there is something that my husband cares deeply about that I view as bothersome.  It annoys me that he cares so much about it and I am constantly dwelling on how much time and energy he puts into it.  (Obviously this has nothing to do with bedroom activities.)  Even just TWO HOURS before reading this chapter, I was on the phone with my best friend complaining about this one thing that seems to be so high on my dh’s priority list.  And then I read this chapter and got to this part.  It humbled me.  It made me feel about 2″ tall.

This bothersome thing that matters so much to my husband is something that I have struggled with for YEARS, and in one sentence I was forced to reevaluate the way I think about it.  This thing that my husband is passionate about is important to him.  Me rolling my eyes when the subject comes up or sighing heavily has a negative impact on him.  When I act like I can’t stand that particular thing, it affects him and makes him feel that he doesn’t matter as deeply to me because of how obviously put off I am by this thing that matters to him.  I give him the impression that his passions aren’t important to me and in fact are a nuisance.  Wow, look at these negative messages I’ve been sending to the man who has been by my side for almost 20 years!  This is something that I cannot just ‘fix’ overnight.  I’m going to have to coat this in prayer and carefully ask God’s guidance in reforming my views and changing my attitude.  I need to show my dh that his interests & passions matter to me, and I need to be genuine about it.

I love the examples he gives in this chapter of himself and other couples.  I also like the part on pg. 96 entitled: Catch the Foxes.  I’m not going into too much detail here but from now own when I see some type of conflict looming I’m going to try and remember to tell myself to “catch the fox” before a barrier forms.  As he says:  “All little foxes need to be chased away through prayer and open, accepting conversation.”

There are a couple of other things that I liked that I may come back and mention in the comment box later, but for now I’m gonna end this article before it becomes too long.  Did this chapter speak to any of you?  Any other things that I failed to mention that you really liked, or didn’t like for that matter?

8 Comments

  1. I also highlighted those passages, and your comments will get me thinking on what I am dismissing that is important to my husband.
    For me, the big realization was thinking through the “how you think about sex and what you think of it” part. As much trouble as we have had establishing this part of our relationship, as many self-help and study books as I have read on this subject….. It NEVER CROSSED MY MIND that the “fluffy” romance novels my mom got us (myself and my sister) hooked on when we were early teens had any bearing on my current situation and sex life. AH-HA moment for me! I’d thought about my parents and grandparents relationship modeling, TV, media, sex ed in public schools, etc, but never those books. Wow. And the next section about consciously re-directing our thoughts in a way that is truthful. That is something I will try to implement, and can hopefully discuss with hubby.
    The section about the Proverbs 31 woman also resonated with me, as in my struggles that Is a place I have turned to many times as a model, even re-writing it myself with more modern-type examples to help me get the character traits into my life. Good point, no sexual mentions there.
    I feel like this chapter was much more encouraging to me than the last one, I really learned some things about myself, and feel like I got some helpful tips for both myself bettering the way I react to my husband, and for me to talk about with him and have a dialogue that will improve our communications.

  2. I feel like going to a counselor and saying, “HI. My name is Karen and I don’t believe that a mom can be sexual.” Gosh, I am fighting this battle over and over again. Just when I think it is gone, there it is again! The only difference in me is that I really don’t ever strive to be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman. I don’t think I can attain it all! EVER! LOL! Now, I am not like this much anymore, but I know that the description that Karen gave of a sexual woman would have been what I exactly would have said. Satan started telling me lies as soon as my son was born, and I believed it. It is so crazy to think that Satan can just twist the truth slightly, and I accepted it like it was the Gospel. I am so glad that God has awakened my mind to what the truth really is.

    Being a big baseball fan, I loved that he used the analogy of running the bases. I needed the reminder about treasuring my spouse above all else. I try to do it, but I really have to make a conscious effort to let him know I value him more than anything else. It’s been pretty easy to tell him, “You are such a good son to your Dad.” or “I really appreciate how hard you work for us.” But his Camaro club….when he talks incessantly about this part of a car, or buying a junk car to scrap for parts for his car, or (I had to admit this, but…) blah, blah, blah….it goes in one ear, and I try to comprehend what he says, but I just don’t always understand it. I think if I tried to show more interest, and I mean not just saying, “Uh, huh.” or “I understand”, but to really show him that his interests are real and I know how important they are to him. I can only work on my side. This chapter is one I will need to reread…my kindle on my cell phone is really hard to concentrate on, but it is a really good chapter and it makes you think. I am interested in what everyone else took from it.

  3. So, I haven’t gotten the book yet, but every time I read a new entry I say I am GETTING this book! I have a question from just reading your synopsis however. This sentence really hit home with me also “And we’ll never feel that we matter deeply to another human being if our mate is nonchalant about things that matter to us.” Initially, b/c I feel like my dh doesn’t try to understand anything I have a passion for, but then I realized I do it to him also. I have gotten MUCH better about understanding his love for his sports team, but what if he seems to choose it over you or the family? I feel like his 1st passion should be me and our family, and our lives should not revolve around what time the game is on. In his defense he has gotten better and will DVR a game if he can’t watch it, but his first thought still seems to be “let me see what time the game is today”. Am I just overly sensitive and this is just a man thing that I need to get over??

  4. Honestly, my first impulse is to say “it’s a man thing” and for my dh it isn’t sports it’s computer games and whatever is on lifehacker on the internet.
    BUT, also consider his background & upbringing — could this be something that was standard practice in his home growing up, so he doesn’t think anything of it? Was that time (watching games on TV) his special time with his dad/grandfather, etc? Is it his empty brain time where he just relaxes? Have you said the words out loud, at a time other than Sat/Sun when the game is on or about to be on: “DH, I was wondering why it’s so important for you to watch sports every weekend. I really enjoy your time with me on the weekends” or something like that. If you haven’t said the words to him when he’s not already engrossed in it, it’s entirely possible he just hasn’t thought about it.
    For me, I constantly struggle with TV/movies/computers with my husband. I grew up in a family where TV/movies was rare, we played board games and read books. My husband’s family, they watch TV and movies, it’s just what they do, so it’s his first impulse. He’s getting better, the longer that we are married. But, when his family visits, they *always* bring a movie “to watch with us.”

    Depending on your kids situation (if any, how old, etc), you could plan to use his game time as your own time to do what YOU enjoy, and reclaim that time for yourself, so you aren’t as aware of what he’s doing and letting it get on your nerves.

    Those are my thoughts and suggestions, please consider them in your life and hope they are helpful!

  5. I tend to agree with mrsdmk. Your description of your husband sounds eerily similar to my own dh. After being together almost 20 years you would think I would be used to it by now, but sometimes I still get my feelings hurt. I know that my dh loves me and the kids and I know that we are his top priority, so I’m making it a point to try and not be so overly sensitive about this one issue. It’s not as bad right now… but when the fall gets here I consider myself to be a football widow :?

  6. I had a talk the other night with my honey and he said to me that he wished I had a hobby (quilting)… well, I did, but I quit doing it for 2 reasons… (1) my sewing machine broke and (2) he always seemed to get upset at me for spending so much time doing it. After we talked, he said it wasn’t that he didn’t like me quilting, it was that I was getting involved in all these projects for “so and so’s cousin’s wife’s baby” or something like that. He loved that I made a memory quilt for his Mom after her husband died. He loved that I made an anniversary quilt for my parents on their 40th wedding anniversary. He loved that I made quilts for our kids, and he even didn’t seem to mind that I helped make quilts for Crisis Pregnancy Center, but when I would feel like I *had to make a quilt for so and so”, it got to be too much. I wish we could have communicated better about it then because I miss quilting. Maybe if you had a time, like alluded to earlier, where you could sit down when a game isn’t on and discuss it, then it would be received better and you could communicate better about your thoughts and he could communicate his thoughts. I just wanted to share a perspective where *I* was the guilty party.

  7. Thanks so much for the replies, I really am loving the info on this site :) There has actually been much conversation about this topic over the years, including recently in marriage counseling. Things are much better than when we were newly married and he has stopped watching many of the games he would have watched in the past. And, I really don’t mind him watching and have been trying to join him on the couch when I can, but I think it would be nice if he just didn’t think of it first. He will now DVR a game if we can’t be home for him to watch and I am thankful for that, but he would be upset if for some reason it didn’t record. After a recent talk, I decided I just don’t have anything that I can compare to his love for his team (and it’s a college team so they play all year long). I do try to look at the progress and will just continue to try to embrace this passion of his. Sorry for moving off topic and thanks again for taking time to give me your thoughts!

  8. Thanks for your thoughts! I am trying so hopefully we can continue to work out the kinks and turn this into something fun for both of us! I am liking watching the basketball games on DVR, turns a 2 hr game into a little over 1 hr game :)


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