Same Sex Attraction: My Thoughts

I found the last two articles on this topic very thought provoking. I appreciated reading the comments and hearing different perspectives even though I didn’t agree with all. As I mentioned in the introduction, while I do believe that God intended for sexual fulfilment to be within the context of relationship between a husband and wife, I also can empathize with the struggle people have when they feel attracted to the same sex. I realize that some people are offended by my opinion that homosexual acts are sin, but my heart is truly not an attack towards gay people or the gay community. I feel compassion for those who, like the woman I interviewed last week, are living their lives with SSA a constant, forefront issue. I can see God’s redemption in it, but to fight with all you have for years so you can get to a place of healing and wholeness must be difficult. Many do not even try.

The challenge to the Church is to find the balance that Cori and I spoke of in the previous articles in this series. How do we get to the place where a person within our church body expresses a temptation in this area and they feel supported in their fight against it rather than feel like they need to leave the congregation? I think often times the Church has shown a resistance to allowing things to make it look tarnished. We want to be a spotless Bride for the Lord, but that doesn’t happen by pretending that sin does not touch us. It happens through an act of God as He sanctifies us. We must see our sin in order for the process of sanctification to be effective.

Perhaps we are so used to instant gratification that we feel intimidated by walking with someone through something that could potentially take years in order for them to find healing, but I am encouraged. I have seen a shift, at least in the region where I live, that the church is showing a willingness to walk with people through messy stuff. Pornography. Sexual abuse. Addiction. Big stuff that the church used to despise people for, I see the Church in my city rising up and joining hands with other congregations to offer hope to people who are in brokenness. We are seeing sin and we are pointing people to Jesus, but the moment we give way to thoughts that sin is not sin, we no longer have a sure place to stand.

This is why I believe it is important that we continue to work out our faith on this issue. If the world has been watching us and their impression is that we hate and fear homosexuals, somehow we haven’t done a good job of reflecting the power of the gospel on this issue. Jesus empowered sinners who came to Him to change their ways and walk in righteousness. Will some still be offended that we voice a morality on sexual conduct? Yes, of course! But for those who are looking for hope and healing, they will find it within the Church.

I can not outline how healing should look for everyone. I am far from qualified and too far removed from loved ones who are dealing with this to dictate what it would look like. In my interview last week with Cori, I found some of the ways the Lord has lead them very different from my own experience with Him (and some things very similar, too) so I really can’t say how the process should look and it would be foolish to think that any of us can.

I am just glad that we have this platform to discuss it. As always, feel free to offer your insights. I could say more and maybe I will below, but I’d like to here from you on this aspect of the Church rising up and handling this issue with more grace than we perhaps have in the past. If your comment is more geared towards defending homosexuality, please read the introductory article and all the comments there first. Then, if your comment is a new idea that hasn’t already been shared feel free to post it on that article.

So to be clear, since some comments are being deleted which do not fit with the intent of this article, this article is for those of us who believe that homosexual acts are sin to discuss how we can do a better job of loving gay people. If your comment is a blast towards gay people or a defence of homosexuality, it will be deleted. 

12 Comments

  1. Nope. Not gonna blast or defend homosexuality. As a true-blue hetero, I only wanted to say that I can’t COUNT the number of times I’ve had erotic dreams involving another female. Disturbing? Yes. Erotic? Still yes. Understanding? Not a clue, and I’m a psychologist!

  2. What about starting from a position that there are many different ways to be a Godly man or woman? Too often there is only one “right” way displayed at church. We need to feel free to let our girls climb trees and our boys dance, without labels being applied. Christian parents need to be the loudest and strongest advocates against bullying. I think we also need to be more honest about the logs in our hetero eyes before pointing out specks in others. We need to address hetero marriage failures and acknowledge they are signs of brokeness, to admit that Christians struggle with pornography etc. In short, we need to help our churches to become “sex positive” for God-His plan of one man one woman married sex is so awesome (see this site for more on those joys)-we need to embrace sex and nor be afraid to talk about it. What the world offers sexually is so hollow and devaluing. If we as Christains can show the gospel through healthy sexuality, what an example! Can you imagine saying to your gay neighbor, “Hey why don’t you come to church with me so you can learn to have a better more satisfying sex life.”?
    Ultimately it comes down to just truly loving the other person as God calls us to. Remembering that we need to be without sin to cast the first stone and choosing to put our rocks down.

  3. I honestly don’t know where I stand on this issue sometimes. I personally believe that sex was meant as an expression of marriage…but I’ve also read the passages in the Bible that reference homosexuality from the original languages and can see where we may have misinterpreted them in some cases.

    That aside, I have had two close Christian friends who struggled with SSA. One has now completely succumbed and the other is still searching for answers. The church, in general, has been less than helpful. The one who finally succumbed was asked to leave the church when she initially admitted her struggle and asked for prayers and guidance. I was chided by several church members for my choice of friends after she asked for help. I feel her later choices may have been different had she had the support of a loving congregation rather than their judgement. The second lady has decided not share her struggle Christians as a whole. I think I am the only Christian friend she has that knows, so I am alone in my guidance and continued prayers.

    My concern is that both of these women were sexually abused as children. I don’t know if attraction itself is a sin (although acting on it is)…so there is a LARGE part of me that is more worried that they were carrying around this fear, shame, self-hatred, and skewed views of sex than the attraction itself. There is no way they can imagine a healthy sex life with a man based on their experiences and that needs to be lovingly addressed as part of the SSA issue…but we failed them as a church body.

    Elaine, I love your idea about starting from the position that there are many ways to be a Godly man or woman (and different ways God manifests his love in our marriages)! Even in the church we are judgmental about the true personalities and skills that God has given people when we don’t think they are gender appropriate.

  4. Your story makes me so sad. I have many gay friends and even though I am not, I am supportive in all their troubles and I do not judge them. I believe its not meant for me to judge but rather be a true friend that supports through thick and thin, and if I am asked my opinion on their lifestyles, I tell them that I don’t quite understand it, but no matter I will always be there for them. Good Luck to your friends, I hope they find the answers they are looking for.

  5. I left a link for this in the introductory conversation, but I see now that we are not supposed to leave links, so it was left out. Sorry about that! But I think it’s awesome that we are talking about how to love the gay or lgbt community, regardless of what we believe about the issue, and I wanted to say that A straight Christian named Andrew Marin started an organization called “love is an orientation.” it is all about building bridges between the church and the gay community. He tends not to go very much into is it right or is it wrong, but instead focuses more on showing love regardless. I don’t know if he has actually taken a stance, but I get the feeling he does consider homosexual sex to be sinful. It might be helpful for anyone who wants to help bridge the gap but isnt quite sure how. :) Anyway, kudos to CN for being willing to have this conversation.

  6. I have a teen daughter who I adopted. She was born addicted, so she started life with many challenges. She has a lot of confusion with her sexuality and that is further complicated by her brain damage/sensory/boundary problems. When she was younger she was taken advantage of by a older teen boy who raped her. Heaping more challenges on her. So, now she says the only safe way for her to have a “relationship” is for it to be with another girl. I honestly understand her position. We are getting her help. I’m not certain we are going to be able to plow through all of the damage to really deal with this though. Any words of wisdom would be helpful. (I hope this was an appropriate place to bring this up.)

  7. Thank you for this article. It was well written and I can feel your love for God and fellow man. Thank you.

  8. I knew a psychology grad student who discounted genetics as a primary factor in the nurture versus nature argument. Instead, he argued one’s first sexual experience largely influenced SSA: If one’s first sexual encounter was positive, one would tend to be drawn in that direction, but a negative experience would push a person away. In other words, a ‘good’ homosexual experience might provide the same momentum as a ‘bad’ hetero encounter.

    He found research to back it up, both interviews and studies such as one out of Japan showing students who attended all-girls schools were more than three times as likely to identify themselves as lesbian than those who attended combined schools. He suggested this explained the British stereotype of boys in public schools. His theory wasn’t politically popular– gay activists desperately want a genetic explanation– so he didn’t plat to pursue it beyond grad school.

    The few times circumstances allowed, I found my self asking about first encounters. It’s astonishing to hear how an older first cousin, a spinster aunt a little too free with her hands, or a bullying boy appeared to set the tone for subsequent desires.

    BTW, this research student believed first encounters also explained fetishes involving inanimate objects. (Not sure, but I think he used a term something like paraphilia.) If a child found themselves aroused by corsets or a bicycle seat, that might well carry over into adulthood.

  9. I am so thankful for this site. It acknowledges issues I have come accross in my marriage, but not known how to address since I don’t feel I have anyone to go to but my husband, who is obviously encountering the same issues. I too have had erotic dreams about other women, and have second guessed my sexuality. While coming to the conclusion fairly quickly that I am not homosexual, I do find that females are exploited sexually in our society today-to everyone. It’s hard as a female(at least for me) to help from being sexually attracted to other females when it seems like every female is trying to be that way, particularly in the media. While initially there may be a sexual attraction, I feel that it is wrong. My husband, being a Godly man, yet still a man, finds it attractive that I have had these dreams. He says he knows in his heart that any act of these feelings would be wrong, yet he still loves to joke about it, which makes me uncomfortable as I just want to repress them since I will not act on them. I am just thankful to know that I am not the only Christian married woman going through this. Thank you all for your thoughts and advice!

  10. I have the same issue of SSA that is promoted by or at the very least ‘sexy’ to my husband. He frequently entertains the thought of inviting an unfamiliar woman into our bedroom, and it is a struggle not to go along with his fantasies. It is probably the most frustrating thing about our sex life because I feel I cannot be openly intimate with him without inviting his talk of such things along with it. If I take time to focus solely on him and ‘us,’ the surrounding conversation ultimately goes there because “even though I say I don’t want it, deep down I would like it and probably have the biggest orgasm ever,” according to DH. I feel he is severely misguided in helping me sexually, but mutual satisfaction is at the root of his proddings…

    We obviously have other bedroom issues, but this seems to be something that, as you said, he loves to joke about and casually discuss as if it were some sort of vacation destination instead of a marriage and life-altering sinful temptation. And I can’t figure out how to remove it from his mind even though I never bring up (and moreover try to repress so as not to ruminate on) my SSA.

  11. I did some apprenticeship from a naturoPathic doctor. According to his research/conclusions, homosexuality is a result of lack of love -or- hatred of a same sex/opposite sex parent/caretaker- that affects you to the point that you carry it later into life and try to repair the relationship with the same sex. It can be cleared with energy healing and prayer for God’s guidance. You also have to remove self hate. Start with EFT. The Emotion Code is very good as well. God Bless.

  12. She needs emotional clearing for the rape event. Find a good eft practitioner/emotion code practitioner with the intention of clearing out her negative energies. Don’t go into it with the intention of makin her ‘straight.’ the body knows what to do once you clear out all of the negative trauma. She probably needs energy cleared from inherited emotions and traumas from her birth parents, grandparents, etc (generational curses). Seek an emotion code practitioner for this or get the book on amazon and do it yourself. It will change your life for the better. God has provided us with different ways to heal ( the merdians in the body, in this case), and we need to utilize them instead of claiming them blasphemic, keeping Christ in the center at all times.


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