Weekly poll #122: What advice would you give/did you give your daughter on her wedding day about sex?

answer in the comment section….

21 Comments

  1. I don’t have a daughter BUT I do have three sons and I have always talked open to them about the importance of no sex before marriage and that this is how God disigned sex to be and that it is worth the wait. What a wonderful gift for yur bride some day. (they are 16,18. and 20) and for her to you.

  2. You must understand that sex is 90% emotional for your husband and only 10% physical. If you say no to sex, you say no to the heart of this man who has devoted his life to you. Protect his heart and tell him you accept him, love him, and desire him as often as humanly possible! Make saying “yes!” your goal, and blow his socks off my initiating sex even when you don’t feel like it. Because you probably won’t feel like it A LOT. We get our emotional needs met in other ways.

  3. Have fun!

  4. I’m in the minority here, but I hope I don’t have to. I would be very upset if I found out that she was marrying someone that she had not had sex with.

  5. Knowing that she & he were complete virgins, I didn’t want to set them up for pain/failure/angst on their wedding night. So I made sure that she “knew” the mechanics part by asking if she knew the mechanics part. That out of the way….. the advice that I KNEW she needed was to get in the habit of peeing after every act of intercourse. That way, she could avoid any potential bladder infections, which would cause even more pain. I didn’t want to go into the TMI realm for either of us, but definitely wanted them to stave off one of the most common pitfalls of beginning sex.

  6. This is really wonderful! I will definitely add to my list of what I’d like to tell my daughters.

  7. Well, I’m not a mom yet, but I really want to be able to be open with my daughter growing up so that I don’t have to be giving her last minute sex advice… I want to make sure she knows what to expect and what to do ahead of time… and definitely make sure that she understands that women desire sex too (that was a big problem for me). So mostly… I think I will remind her that communication about sex is INCREDIBLY important… from frequency and ways to enjoy each others’ bodies, to thoughts and feelings related to what has happened.

  8. When she grows up and gets married hopefully someday, I would tell my daughter that I hoped they would have a great time discovering each others bodies and that they had a lifetime together to do so. They are together, heart, soul and body and that each part needs love and time. Then secretly I really would wish that she had mind blowing sex with her new love.

  9. Hopefully, a mother had several discussions with her daugter about sex long before the wedding day. If this was the case, there is no need to have THE big talk about it,
    Just before this special moment in her life. I would tell her: “love your husband fully, appreciate every caress that makes you want for more, and respond without shame or fear to his kisses. And most of all, do not make of this first experience a matter of performance but accept all the flows with good humour as you discover each other “

  10. When my daughter grows up and hopefully gets married, I think that I would tell her that I hope she enjoys her new husband, but that they have a lifetime to enjoy the journey of getting to know each other, heart, soul and boby. I would then secretly hope that she would have mindblowing sex.

  11. Really, why?

  12. I think some of the best advice my husband and I got was to take it slow. You don’t have to have sex the second you get to the hotel…so we relaxed for a while in the jacuzzi first. I think that helped calm us down from the excitement of the wedding day enough so that we didn’t have that extra adrenaline running through us. I think it helped me with not having as much pain – since we were both really relaxed. I also would second the going to the bathroom part – definitely got a UTI on the honeymoon, which was not fun! Plus, also understanding that it will take a little time to learn how to pleasure each other – try not to get anxious, but enjoy the journey of learning! :)

  13. Sex is to be enjoyed and keep it fun. At Christmas time she had her bedroom decorated with Christmas lights on her headboard, I told her with the switch that controls the speed, while making love to her husband she can contol the speed of his thrusting her. I always let my children know sex between a married couple is a God given gift to bring you closer together, it creates intimacy that no one else can be as close to you.

  14. On THAT day I’d be to busy with other things though, I would have had many talks prior to the wedding day. She would have gone through premarital counseling through our church (it’s a requirement to get married there), she would have read several books that are required (her mate would have to as well), and I would be there to discuss anything and everything with her that she needed. I mention getting all their expectations out to the forefront including sexual. They need to know what the other might be expecting and possibly talk it out. I have noticed this is a MAJOR bubble that gets burst rather early in marriages. You know – HIGH Expectations that do not come through – POP!

    Beyond all the aforementioned, I would talk to her from my own experiences and pray that her husband is getting good advice as well. I’d remind her that kissing has always been the key to my passion. My love making has always been intense when there is a lot of kissing.

    Assuming she is a virgin – I’d also remind her that after the first few days she might be a bit sore and will possibly need to consider alternative sex to vaginal intercourse (my husand and I went at it so hot and heavy we didn’t leave the room for three days). This is where I’d mention learning about your mate’s body. Taking time to explore each other, talk, feel, touch, discuss, try things – this is where the prior expectation talk proves very helpful.

    I’d give her examples of high expectations that could be headed off by simply talking it out ahead of time. She’d know I am much more sexual that her father and if she wanted examples I’d explain how I desired a lot more sexual variety than he would have expected had we not prepared each other ahead of time.

  15. Here is a great example of this I posted in the swallowing section a while ago:

    http://christiannymphos.org/2010/09/14/weekly-poll-62-swallowing/

  16. Once again, I don’t expect anyone to agree with me, and that’s fine and absolutely their right. But I would never, ever marry someone who withheld sex from me. If you don’t love and trust me enough to share every aspect of who you are with me, then I am certainly not going to marry you. When someone says that they love you with their whole heart and that they want to spend the rest of their life with you I see it as contradictory (and very telling) when they keep such a special part of themselves from you. This is a view that I will do my best to pass on to my kids, and I hope that they don’t put themselves in a position of loving someone who won’t give of themselves completely.

  17. Before my dh was a christian, his mother gave him similar advice. After he became a christian and we were married, he told me that was the one thing he regrets, the sex before marriage. Yes, he was engaged to someone else before me. His past is something he wishes he could go back and change. I asked my college age daughters what they would think if I said what you said and they responded that they would be very disappointed in me if I did because they know it violates God’s standard and His clear instructions. Both my daughters have heard their peers state the very thing Gidget promotes with disasterous results. They’ve seen the harm it has caused and they want no part of it. To quote Brother Yun (“The Heavenly Man, pg. 316), ” God will never change His principles for anyone. If you disobey HIs principles then you will surely fall into trouble”. One day you will have to stand before God and give an account not only for what you have done and said in this lifetime, but what you have encouraged others to do. When I was single, there was a young man I was engaged to that I wanted to give every part of me, but I knew sex wasn’t permitted until marriage. I do not regret waiting because we didn’t marry. As my husband pointed out when I read this post to him, a man doesn’t think about giving his whole self to the woman. He thinks only of what he can take, and that is the huge flaw in Gidget’s statement, not to mention that sex before marriage is forbidden by God.

  18. This blog is mainly about sex from a Christian woman’s point of view. As Christians, we are supposed to be ‘in the world” but not of the world” (See John 17: 11-17). Gidgit, even though you say you respect others that might not agree with you, it should be clear in the mind of everyone here that it is not the way that God intended us to act as far as having sex before marriage. He is perfect and He knows better than everyone of us as to why He gave us the commandment for not having sexual relations before the wedding vows. The disastrous consequences of such action can be seen in the lives of millions of people in the world today. Selfishness is one of the many reasons for destruction of marriages.

    Pashonette made an excellent comment. We are not doing our daughters a service by telling them to have sex before marriage to find out if “everything works fine”.
    People in the world fail to realize that sex is a gift of God given to married couples with a long term commitment and covenant between them and Him.

    Sex is the fruit of love of two long term committed people. We must go through the apprentiship of the love we should have for our spouse before we give and share the fruit. This fruit is the result of many ingredients, carefully mixed within the joys and struggles of our daily life with our (hopefully) eternal lover. It can only be appreciated with delight and unhindered, if it is fed with the roots of love like: tenderness, understanding, patience, self-forgetfulness, and the well-being, sensibility, trust and respect of the spouse.

  19. Excellent response ravieolis. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  20. I want to be able to tell my daughters (ENJOY) and come to me with any questions! I have started to talk to my 11 year old about how she is a rose! To save all of her petals for her future husband, and not to give them away. She is an amazing person!

  21. I wouldn’t plan on giving any advice on my daughters’ wedding nights, except “have fun”! The wedding day is way too crazy, and the wedding night too exciting/nerve-wracking, to add any heavy advice in the moment. But what I tell every engaged couple (if it happens to come up in conversation) is, be really forgiving of your shortcomings. Sex takes years to perfect, and in a good marriage you can expect to learn new tricks after 10 years, 15 years or more. So if it’s kind of awkward or not as satisfying as you expected, don’t panic! Just say ok, we love each other and we’re trying, and this is just a stage. The honeymoon is NOT the finish line… if marriage were a game board, the honeymoon would be the START line!!!

    I remember getting so frustrated during the first couple years of marriage because I had a hard time climaxing, and my husband didn’t seem to “get it” or be interested in trying different things that would help. I kind of freaked out and thought, “Is this it? Is this what I’m stuck with for life?” Turns out, he had a lot to learn too!!!

    We’re going on seven years now, and when we watch movies where I see a girl going for a one-night stand, I tell him I would never trade some novice’s parlour tricks for his expertise- he knows me SO well and is SO good at doing what I like! I wouldn’t want my daughters to panic in the early months/years and make things harder for themselves, when really great sex is something that develops over years of being together.


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