“My husband and I have been married for 10 months now. Before getting married, I would masturbate as a way of sexual release. However, during masturbation I would think up elaborate sex story plots and fantasies. I would never put a face to my characters, but I would still have these thoughts swirling in my mind. I learned to orgasm through these experiences. Now that I’m married, I’ve learned that it’s very difficult for me to orgasm through sex, and the only way I can, is if I think back on these stories I made up as a young adult. Even then it takes much longer to orgasm through sex then masturbation. I want to obey Paul’s command “whatever is true whatever is noble, what ever is right, whatever is pure, think about these things.” So, how do I change these sexual thoughts to my husband solely, and not these sexual fantasies? And by doing so, how do I train myself to orgasm without these thoughts as a crutch?”
First of all I want to point out that it is common for women to be able to orgasm more quickly through solo masturbation than through sexual intercourse. We know exactly what our bodies like and what it takes to get ourselves there. Some of us can bring ourselves to orgasm in 10 seconds flat. So the fact that it takes you longer to reach orgasm through intercourse is perfectly normal. It’s that way for most of us.
It sounds as though your body (and mind) has learned to associate orgasm with elaborate fantasies. You need the story plots and characters in order to climax. It sounds very much like a fetish. The fantasies you made up in the past became something that you used every time you masturbated, and so your body still needs them now in order to put you over the top. Don’t worry though. Even though it’s true that old habits die hard, it is very possible to break this chain!
You will need to re-wire your brain for sex. This isn’t something that is accomplished overnight, so be prepared to work at it. You said that in your fantasies you never put a face to your characters. That was great then, but have you thought about doing so now? Hear me out… If one of your elaborate fantasies involved being captured on a pirate’s ship, and held hostage out on the raging sea… then make it so that your wonderful husband is there too. Have him in your mind, dressed ragged, and coming to rescue you. He is the face you see. He is the one who sets you free and helps you to escape to the deserted island. He is the one who makes passionate love to you on the sand while waiting for a ship to take you back home. If one of your fantasies involved being sold into a harem (Maybe I’ve read too many romance novels? )… Then pretend that just before anything bad happens, a wonderful man befriends you and frees you from your captors. You two run away together and wed and spend an amazing night under the stars making love. Did you guess that this man was your husband?
Changing your fantasies to include your husband in them is a great place to start. If you can put your husband into your old fantasies, and “update them” so to speak, you will be making progress. It may take a while to get used to this idea, but don’t give up! Then, over time, you should be able to break free from those old fantasies and move forward to new ones that include your husband. You will already be use to seeing his face in your mind, so you will be able to create new fantasies of you and your darling hubby on the moon getting it on in a crater or something!
And you know what else helps? Actually thinking of some fantasies that you will be able to make come true! I had a fantasy for years of making love in a dressing room at the mall. When I finally told my husband, he helped me to make it happen…more than once! And now, sometimes when we are making love at home, my mind will drift back to that dressing room and I’ll see us in front of the mirror in that certain position we had to use on the stool in there. I’ll remember how we had to keep quiet so that we wouldn’t get caught. It really is such a turn on reminiscing on fantasies that have actually happened. Maybe you two could think of some nice fantasies you have that you could actually make come true? Then you would be able to keep your mind in the here and now instead of reverting to the past.
Once you have moved past the faceless characters, and replaced them with your husband. And after you have created new fantasies of you and him. The next step would be for you to be able to stop relying on fantasies period. Don’t get me wrong here. Having healthy fantasies of you and your husband is fine. But because of your past, I am worried that you are relying on them too much. You should eventually get to the point where you are able to just be with your husband and enjoy what he is doing to your body, without your mind escaping into fantasy world. It will help if you totally quit the solo masturbating. Let your body learn to respond to his touch. In the beginning it will be hard, and it may take a while before you are able to orgasm that way, but once your husband gets more experience with your body it will get easier. Show him what you like and what works for you. Relax and don’t put pressure on yourself to orgasm in the beginning. Just let him make you feel good, and if it isn’t enough to put you over the top then that’s okay…there is always next time. Eventually your body will start responding more and will let go of the need for fantasies.
You may find that you don’t need to go through all these steps, but I’ve tried to think of baby steps to get you to where you want to be, one small progression at a time. You will need patience and a strong determination to break free from your “crutch,” but it can be done. Don’t forget to pray. Yes, God does listen when we pray about our sex lives, so be honest with Him and ask Him to help you give this up. Ask Him to help you grow in intimacy with your husband, and to bless your marriage bed.