Masturbation Quickies

*If you and your husband do not participate in masturbation, then this article may not be for you.  I’m writing this for those of you out there who do engage in masturbation in your marriage.

I’ve been pretty busy lately and I’ve noticed something.  I’ve been doing lots of little quickies with myself.  In my marriage, we engage in mutual masturbation, and my husband also knows that I help myself sometimes, especially when my drive is in overload and his isn’t.  When I masturbate it doesn’t take anything away from him.  Most of the time it just gets me keyed up for later (with him) so it’s all good.

I used to spend more time at it though.  I’d shower or take a bath and lie down on my bed and think about fantasies involving my husband and slowly work myself into it.  I can’t remember the last time I did that though!  Recently it’s been more like 30 seconds of rubbing, BAM, and then I’m finished and ready to go do something else.

I think I’m in that lucky percentage of women who can orgasm easily, and maybe that’s why I tend to have “drive-by” sessions anymore.  I just do it to take the edge off for that particular moment, so that I can go on about my day and get my ‘to do’ list done.  Some days I don’t do it at all while other days it happens multiple times.

So…  I’m wondering how many of you can relate to this?  I’m interested in knowing whether you ladies tend to spend more time at this, or do you have quickies like me?  Leave any responses in the comment box below!

Q&A: Masturbation Fantasies

“My husband and I have been married for 10 months now. Before getting married, I would masturbate as a way of sexual release. However, during masturbation I would think up elaborate sex story plots and fantasies. I would never put a face to my characters, but I would still have these thoughts swirling in my mind. I learned to orgasm through these experiences. Now that I’m married, I’ve learned that it’s very difficult for me to orgasm through sex, and the only way I can, is if I think back on these stories I made up as a young adult. Even then it takes much longer to orgasm through sex then masturbation. I want to obey Paul’s command “whatever is true whatever is noble, what ever is right, whatever is pure, think about these things.”  So, how do I change these sexual thoughts to my husband solely, and not these sexual fantasies? And by doing so, how do I train myself to orgasm without these thoughts as a crutch?”

First of all I want to point out that it is common for women to be able to orgasm more quickly through solo masturbation than through sexual intercourse.  We know exactly what our bodies like and what it takes to get ourselves there.  Some of us can bring ourselves to orgasm in 10 seconds flat.  So the fact that it takes you longer to reach orgasm through intercourse is perfectly normal.  It’s that way for most of us.

It sounds as though your body (and mind) has learned to associate orgasm with elaborate fantasies.  You need the story plots and characters in order to climax.  It sounds very much like a fetish.  The fantasies you made up in the past became something that you used every time you masturbated, and so your body still needs them now in order to put you over the top.  Don’t worry though.  Even though it’s true that old habits die hard, it is very possible to break this chain!

You will need to re-wire your brain for sex.  This isn’t something that is accomplished overnight, so be prepared to work at it.  You said that in your fantasies you never put a face to your characters.  That was great then, but have you thought about doing so now?  Hear me out…  If one of your elaborate fantasies involved being captured on a pirate’s ship, and held hostage out on the raging sea… then make it so that your wonderful husband is there too.  Have him in your mind, dressed ragged, and coming to rescue you.  He is the face you see.  He is the one who sets you free and helps you to escape to the deserted island.  He is the one who makes passionate love to you on the sand while waiting for a ship to take you back home.  If one of your fantasies involved being sold into a harem (Maybe I’ve read too many romance novels? :oops: )… Then pretend that just before anything bad happens, a wonderful man befriends you and frees you from your captors.  You two run away together and wed and spend an amazing night under the stars making love. Did you guess that this man was your husband?

Changing your fantasies to include your husband in them is a great place to start.  If you can put your husband into your old fantasies, and “update them” so to speak, you will be making progress.  It may take a while to get used to this idea, but don’t give up!  Then, over time, you should be able to break free from those old fantasies and move forward to new ones that include your husband.  You will already be use to seeing his face in your mind, so you will be able to create new fantasies of you and your darling hubby on the moon getting it on in a crater or something! :grin:

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And you know what else helps?  Actually thinking of some fantasies that you will be able to make come true!  I had a fantasy for years of making love in a dressing room at the mall.  When I finally told my husband, he helped me to make it happen…more than once!  And now, sometimes when we are making love at home, my mind will drift back to that dressing room and I’ll see us in front of the mirror in that certain position we had to use on the stool in there.   I’ll remember how we had to keep quiet so that we wouldn’t get caught.  It really is such a turn on reminiscing on fantasies that have actually happened.  Maybe you two could think of some nice fantasies you have that you could actually make come true?  Then you would be able to keep your mind in the here and now instead of reverting to the past.

Once you have moved past the faceless characters, and replaced them with your husband.  And after you have created new fantasies of you and him.  The next step would be for you to be able to stop relying on fantasies period.  Don’t get me wrong here.  Having healthy fantasies of you and your husband is fine.  But because of your past, I am worried that you are relying on them too much.  You should eventually get to the point where you are able to just be with your husband and enjoy what he is doing to your body, without your mind escaping into fantasy world.  It will help if you totally quit the solo masturbating.  Let your body learn to respond to his touch.  In the beginning it will be hard, and it may take a while before you are able to orgasm that way, but once your husband gets more experience with your body it will get easier.  Show him what you like and what works for you.  Relax and don’t put pressure on yourself to orgasm in the beginning.  Just let him make you feel good, and if it isn’t enough to put you over the top then that’s okay…there is always next time.  Eventually your body will start responding more and will let go of the need for fantasies.

You may find that you don’t need to go through all these steps, but I’ve tried to think of baby steps to get you to where you want to be, one small progression at a time.  You will need patience and a strong determination to break free from your “crutch,” but it can be done.  Don’t forget to pray.  Yes, God does listen when we pray about our sex lives, so be honest with Him and ask Him to help you give this up.  Ask Him to help you grow in intimacy with your husband, and to bless your marriage bed.

Q&A: “I’m scared to touch myself”

We received a question from a young woman engaged to be married. Here is an excerpt:

My problem is the article on masturbation… (I think you are referring to this article) or, more specifically, touching myself period. I grew up in a very conservative Christian home and was told that I shouldn’t touch myself and that girls didn’t masturbate – they just didn’t. I guess I didn’t really put two and two together that when I randomly get wet I masturbate until I read this site (so thanks!). So here’s the truth… I’M SCARED TO TOUCH MYSELF AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START!!!!! I’ve looked all over the Internet trying to find a simple diagram of my body parts… I’m slightly freaked out about the white stuff that comes out when I masturbate with my guy (it smells funny… what the heck is it called anyway!?!?!?)…. I can masturbate to orgasms when I’m making out with my guy… and masturbate a bit on my own… but not much… I really want to masturbate to orgasm on my own! I want to know how to touch my body… and what’s what… and so I won’t be afraid and all that stuff… I’m thinking a good first step might be shaving my [pubic hair] so that I can see what’s down there.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I am sure that you have all kinds of preparations that you are making and it’s nice to see that you are also preparing yourselves for a healthy sex life.

I will answer some of your questions and interact with some of your thoughts, but need to first establish some clarity on something. From what you wrote, it sounds like you and your future husband may be masturbating together and that you are experiencing an orgasm with him in some matter. I may have misunderstood, but if that is the case I would encourage you to consider whether you have overstepped an appropriate line in purity. I think I understand correctly that you haven’t had intercourse, but it’s possible that you are more physically involved with one another than you should be. The following articles may help you discern this.

Premarital Sex: How Far Is Too Far?

Lust: What To Keep In Mind

Regarding some of the questions that you asked, “the white stuff” I think that you are referring to is your lubrication. When you become aroused your body produces a natural lubricant that allows for intercourse to happen. At certain times of the month it can range from thick and white to watery and clear depending on how close you are to ovulation. The reason for it becoming thick and white is that during ovulation, that will allow for the sperm to reach the egg more easily, allowing a woman to become pregnant. So “the white stuff” is very normal and very necessary in order for sex to occur.

I am not sure how much detail you want in a diagram of your genitals, but I can point you to two pages at The Marriage Bed that might be helpful for you. The first one is a description of the female genitals without a diagram and the other is a description with a diagram. You can view whichever one you find most helpful. You will also find a description of male genitalia on the site in the the Biology section if you would like information on that.

A lot of Christians grow up being taught that masturbation is wrong so you are not alone in that. The position we take at Christian Nymphos is that it is a neutral activity that can become sin in certain situations, not by what you do, but by what is happening in your heart when you do it. You can view an article on this at greater length here.

There is no wrong way to masturbate so it’s okay if you don’t know where to start. The purpose of masturbation, besides controlling your sex drive before you are married, is to learn what you enjoy and how your body responds to stimulation. Spend a few minutes in the shower or bath exploring what feels good. If you want to shave or closely trim your pubic hair, that is a good idea. Use a mirror and look at your body to understand where your clitoris is and take the time to learn its role in arousal. Using the diagram or description in the link I provided, see how your own genitals compare as we are all a little bit different. The more comfortable and educated you are about your body, the better off you will be when you are married and become sexually active.

You may also find this article helpful as you prepare for your honeymoon.

Fantastic Honeymoon Sex Guide for the Virgin

Thank you for your question and feel free to ask if you would like more information.

Masturbating For Your Husband: Turning Up the Heat

Okay, so you have the basics down and you are ready to do a bit more in front of your darling husband. I have some tips and suggestions that will help you to knock his socks off!

First of all get creative and take advantage of transition times during sex. If your husband stops to reach for the condom, or bottle of lube, then use that time to touch yourself. As he is putting on the condom or lube, give him something to look at. Spread your legs and rub or finger yourself in front of him. If you are in a well-lit room, then use your fingers to spread your labia open so that he can see his destination.

Another transition is position changes. Switching to doggy or rear entry position is a great one to use to your benefit. When you are getting on all four, reach between your legs and let him see you touching yourself again. Tell him how wet you are and how you can’t wait for him to enter you. It’s just a few seconds, but you will be stimulating him visually with all the extra effort you are making.

Another thing to try is simply giving him a show. After he’s come home from a long day at work, ask him if he would be up for some home entertainment? Tell him that you have been thinking of him all day long and you want to show him how hot you’ve become because of it. Let him sit in a chair or on the bed in front of you, and start undressing. Make sure you have enough light so he can see! Then touch yourself using fingers or even a toy. Expose yourself to him so that he can see clearly what you are doing. If you normally just masturbate by rubbing your clitoris, then I suggest that you do insert a finger or two anyway. He will be drawn to watching your fingers (or toy) disappear inside of your vagina, and it will probably have some noticeable physical affects on him. If you are able to take yourself all the way to orgasm, then do so! Let him watch you. It may be that your husband is so turned on that he joins you before you get to that point though!

You could also use the shower to help you give a good show. I recommend getting a clear, see through shower curtain. Then have him sit and watch you shower one day. Soap up your breasts really good, and the rest of your body too. Use your hands and fingers in blatantly sexual ways, to entice him more. Drop the soap, so that you need to turn around and bend over seductively to pick it up. Then you could use the shower head to bring yourself to orgasm, or you could simply hike up your leg and let him watch you masturbate with your fingers. A waterproof vibrator would also be wonderful for this type of play. The question is, would your husband be able to sit there watching, or would he eventually have to join you?

If you are comfortable with the whole idea of touching yourself, then that can also lead to some fun sexual games.    You could play sexual poker, where the winner of each hand gets to tell the loser what to do for 60 seconds.  Some board games even work well with new “sexual rules” added to them!

I know that some of my ideas may be out of your comfort zone right now, and that’s okay! I simply want to encourage you to pray about it and see if you can decide on a way to bless your husband this upcoming week with something special.

Masturbating For Your Husband: How To Start

Has your husband ever asked you to touch yourself in front of him? Maybe he has, but you just weren’t comfortable with it. Maybe he’s hinted at it, but you don’t think you could. I’m hoping that by the end of this article, you’ll be reconsidering this.

Most men are visual. That’s why we talk about doing things to stimulate them visually, such as wearing lingerie, or stripping for them. Our husbands like it when we show them our bodies, and it’s even more erotic to them when they see us actually touching ourselves.

“But that is embarrassing and mortifying! I couldn’t possibly touch myself like that in front of my husband! What would he think of me?” Well, it could possibly be the most erotic thing he’s ever seen. It could stop him in his tracks and make him unable to take his eyes off you. It may light a fire in him. Why do you assume that he would think negatively of you doing this for him?

You do not need to start out doing everything all at once. The next time you are engaged in foreplay with your husband, move your own hand down your body a little. As he is kissing you, massage your own breasts. If he backs his head away to see what you are doing, offer him your breasts. You can hold them while he licks and sucks. Then let your hands travel lower, to your inner thighs. You don’t have to start out with anything hot and heavy. If you want, you can just trace around your labia. Don’t be surprised if your husband notices and starts to stare.

If you are self conscious about this, then ask him to help you. He can place his hand down there with yours, and start touching and rubbing you. You can actually let him guide you. Close your eyes and stop worrying about what you must look like. Instead, go with how it feels. Let the moment move you. Moan or breathe deeply if you feel the need. If you know that this is going to be well out of your comfort zone, then tell him beforehand that you will need some verbal affirmation. Ask him to tell you when he likes it, when it looks hot, when it’s driving him crazy. Tell him to whisper things in your ear that will rev you up and keep you going so that you don’t suddenly withdraw into a shell. When your husband is lying right there with you, and even helping you, it really does make it easier.

It may work better for you to try touching yourself while he is giving you oral sex. The next time he is down there with his face, try moving your hands and fingers all along your body. Caress your own breasts and squeeze your nipples if that’s what you like. Let him see that you are enjoying both his attentions and your own. Let your fingers wander lower, and start circling your own clitoris. He could continue to finger you internally while you are rubbing yourself. What an erotic sight you’ll be giving him.

It helps when you become an active participant in love making. If you haven’t ever been brave enough to try touching yourself for your husband, then I encourage you to think about it again. What a truly wonderful thing to do. Who else in the entire world is going to get this gift from you? No one, for this is surely one of the most intimate and private things we can do. Can you imagine how special he must feel to be the one that gets to see this?

If you have done the basics, and you are thinking about more advanced ideas, then stay tuned for my next article:  Turning Up the Heat. I’ll describe some specific things you can do for that husband of yours that are a bit more daring.

What Does the Bible Say About Masturbation?

The Bible is notably silent on the issue of masturbation. Some people have argued that the sin of Onan in Genesis 38 was about masturbation, but that is not the core issue that displeased the Lord. Onan’s duty was to produce offspring on behalf of his brother who had predeceased him and he didn’t want to give his sperm for a child that wouldn’t be his. So he would have sex with Tamar and pull out and ejaculate outside of her. This displeased the Lord so much that Onan was struck dead. It was wicked in the Lord’s sight, not because of the act of pulling out, but rather because Onan dishonored his responsibility to Tamar. God is much more concerned with what is happening in our heart when we sin, than the actual act.

The understanding I have come to regarding the issue of masturbation is that it appears that in and of itself, it is not a sin. The problem is that often there is no separation between masturbation and other sin issues that the Lord has been clear about.

Let’s use this episode of Friends as an example. Chandler is caught masturbating by Monica, but the sin issue isn’t that he was masturbating, but rather that he chose to give into temptation and was lusting after someone in porn. If he had been talking to his wife on the phone and they were mutually celebrating their sexuality together, focused on growing in intimacy with one another, I would not have a problem with this situation (save that it isn’t something others should be watching occur on TV), but this is the problem: masturbation and lust are often viewed as the same act because the masturbation and the lust can be happening simultaneously. God has been clear about lust. In His Kingdom, lust and adultery are no different from one another so to get aroused from pornography and then masturbate with lust in one’s heart would be sin. This would displease the Lord not because touching yourself sexually is sin, but because 1) the person being lusted after is one of His kids and it disrespects them, 2) the person being lusted after belongs to their spouse (either now or in the future) and it disrespects their relationship with one another and 3) what a person focuses on when they orgasm becomes a tie in their soul to that thing which damages the sexual relationships they might have that God established and blessed as right.

The Lord is very concerned with anything that interferes with our relationship with Him. If someone is masturbating to the extent that it becomes a greater focus in their lives than the Lord, then it can become a sin issue, but a person could masturbate every day and still not have it be something that comes between them and the Lord in the same way that a couple could have sex every day and still be well balanced contributors in the Kingdom of God. If it becomes an addiction to them which then usurps the position of Jesus as Lord of their life, this is where the line is crossed to having masturbation become a sin. Again it is a heart issue, not the act.

Another consideration is that in marriage solo masturbation should not replace sexual union between a husband and wife. Under normal circumstances, the priority is for the couple to join together for sex. If the husband and wife mutually discuss and accept that there are circumstances when they bless the other to masturbate, then they just need to be sure that it is not replacing their union. “The two will become one flesh” is one of the most amazing promises and blessings from the Lord and that should be the priority.

So in summary, let us acknowledge that it is the condition of a person’s heart that determines if their masturbation a sin, not the act itself. Let us focus every part of our lives on the Lord and submit all issues pertaining to masturbation to Him. Let us always walk in self control and not let anything have mastery over us. I don’t want my kids growing up believing that their sexuality is bad or to be ignored while they are single. I want them to learn how to have self control and manage their sexuality in a godly way.

Touching Yourself

Orgasm… It’s a wonderful euphoric feeling. It’s a high. It’s a stress reducer. It’s also something that can be learned. Masturbation for women can serve several purposes:

  1. It can give a good quick orgasm when one is needed.
  2. It can rev up your sex drive.
  3. It can help you learn how to orgasm more easily with your husband.

So, how should you do it? Women masturbate in different ways. Some like humping or grinding themselves up against something such as a pillow or edge of a mattress. This can be beneficial to making love. If you can bring yourself to orgasm by this method (hands free), then the woman on top position may be for you! Women who like to be on top while making love say that they like to move around and grind their clitoris against their husband’s pubic bone or flexed abdominal muscles. They can bring themselves to orgasm better this way instead of just pumping up and down on his penis.

Then there is the hands on method. If you can bring yourself to orgasm using your own hand and fingers, then you will be more likely to orgasm by your husband’s touch. You will be able to teach him how to touch you the way your body likes it. Set aside some alone time and practice. Explore yourself and see what feels good. Not sure how to get started? I have some tips.

Make sure that you have plenty of alone time where there will be no interruptions and distractions. Get naked and get comfortable! You may prefer a hot bath or the bed. If you do not self lubricate well, then have a bottle of lube on hand. Sitting in front of a mirror can also be erotic and help put you in the mood. Pick a comfortable position and start touching yourself in all your erogenous zones. You know what feels good to you. If it helps, stick your fingers in your mouth and get them wet. Then trace them over your body, your neck, your nipples, your thighs, all the while imagining that it is your husband’s tongue. When you make it to your vulva, open your legs wide. Lick your fingers again or apply lube if needed. You want your fingers to be able to glide smoothly. Rub all around your vulva, from top to bottom, grazing over your clitoris from time to time. Tease yourself. Let it build. If you want to, then use your other hand to insert a couple of fingers into your vagina at the same time. (A toy can also be used.) This will help to provide g-spot stimulation at the same time. If you like anal play, then lube up your back side and allow your fingers to caress that as well. Some women like gentle caressing while others like penetration of the anus.

When you can’t wait any longer, focus your attentions on your clitoris. Do what feels good for you. If you like direct stimulation, then go for it! You can use the palm of your hand or the tips of your fingers. Back and forth or around in circles. Gentle touches or firmer pressure. Increase your pace while you imagine your husband watching, or helping, or making love to you. If it helps talk dirty to yourself out loud or in your mind. Say those things that you love to hear. Say the things that help to send you over the top. Sometimes really deep breathing or even holding your breath can help to put you over the top. When you orgasm, do what feels natural. If you need to move around, then do so! If you need to scream or moan or say something, then let go and say it! Ride the waves as they spasm throughout your body. Keep going until you can’t take it anymore. Some women can have multiples by continuing to apply pressure to the clitoris after the first orgasm. (Peppermint Girl wrote a nice two-part article on Multiple Orgasms.) Just do what feels good for you. Afterwards, enjoy your come down time.

There are many different variables to consider when touching yourself. Each woman is different. Masturbating is a very safe and totally natural way to learn how your body responds to touch. It can help a woman learn how to reach orgasm more easily with her husband. Doing it regularly can also really increase your sex drive. It will make you feel more sexual and your body will become accustomed to having frequent orgasms. In turn you will want sex with your husband more…and he will be a happy man! I’d love to hear from you ladies out there. Is there a great position that you have found that you like to masturbate in? Do you incorporate toys into your playtime? Do you include your husband in your masturbating sessions or give him a show?  Timid and inexperienced women need to hear from those of us who have suggestions and advise to lend. Please feel free to leave comments!

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