This is a topic that I have found a great variety of preferences on. For the most part, I think that couples prefer not to use the same words in bed that they use with their doctors, but where they draw the line in what sort of language they will use is a very personal choice which can be influenced by a variety of things. For some, hearing an expletive in bed reminds them too much of a culture they are trying to be separate from. For others, using passionate, descriptive language is a key to intense arousal.
Please understand that I am a person who very rarely cusses and many of my friends would be shocked to know the words I like using in bed. In my bed, no word is off limits because my husband and I have built our relationship on trust and respect so when my husband tells me exactly what he thinks and feels sexually, using any words at all to describe it, there is absolutely no hesitation on my part. Because I know my husband loves me and isn’t saying it with any disrespect in his heart, I find dirty talk to be erotic. We don’t use these words out of context so there is no confusion. If we walked around telling people to f-off or calling people derogatory names based on different body parts I probably would feel differently, but since we use these words in their context and only in our bedroom I have found them to be a wonderful spice to incorporate.
If you want to start using dirty words and haven’t yet, start with something slightly more edgy than you usually say and see how it feels. If you are normally quiet during sex, start saying some of the things you are thinking and what you want your husband to do to you. If you normally say “Do you want to make love tonight?” try “I am so hot for you right now, I really want you in me.” Not every word will feel right all the time, but variety is the spice of life. Start small and see what the two of you end up liking. Everyone has different limits on what they are comfortable hearing and saying in bed so just try it out and see how it works for you as a couple.
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Christian Nymphos 
My husband and I use spicy words too cinnamonsticks! I have girlfriends who think I’m nuts though. Thanks for writing this. We don’t always have to be all prim and proper. And what better place to let our hair down, than in the bedroom with our husbands!
Firstly, I want to thank you for this blog!
I do have a question, or rather my husband brings up the following verses (I won’t type them out) Ephesians 4:29; 1 Peter 3:10; James 3:9-12
He has recently made the choice to no longer use any cuss word in any circumstance as he does not want to slip up, especially in front of our children. We RARELY swear in the first place – it would take a lot to make me utter certain words, yet for me, in the bedroom it is a major turn on. He feels (now, not before) that this is a moral issue.
Can you give any insight on those verses vs. marriage bed and what is acceptable?
I’ll give you my take on these verses:
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
So, if using dirty talk in the bedroom is helpful and “builds you up” and “benefits you according to your needs” then that is between you and your husband. Personally, in our marriage bed those words are beneficial to our needs and yes they do build us up!
1 Peter 3:10 For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.
I do not believe that mutual dirty talk between a husband and wife for their own ears only is evil and it certainly isn’t deceitful to anyone.
James 3:9-12 9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt[a] water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
These verses are talking about cursing down our friends (out of anger). My husband and I do not “cuss people out” and do not use curse words in our normal daily talk with others. Therefore we feel no convictions regarding these verses. The dirty talk that we use together in the bedroom isn’t to be mean or belittle each other. The terms are used lovingly with each other. It is edifying for our marriage and not at all like what is described in these verses.
Ephesians 4:29: if you read the context of this passage, you will find out that the passage talks about anger, and how to not grieve the Holy Spirit by letting our tongues spew out our anger and bitterness with words that would tear someone down and not build them up. Using “dirty words” in your bedroom with your spouse should be mutually agreed upon for edifying your pleasure in bed with each other. You should not use them if one spouse does not feel they are appropriate or feels belittled by them.
1 Peter 3:10: This verse is taken from Psalm 34:12-13. “Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit”…. Again, these words are not meant to belittle or insult someone. You choose not to use them for evil when they are agreed upon in the marriage bed. You are not sinning against God, you are glorifying God. These words are not being used in anger, bitterness or rage. They are used lovingly with your spouse.
As for the last verse, i think Cumingirl covered it all. We don’t use dirty words in our every day life, my DH and I. It’s not edifying to use them in public or with others.
Thank you for your responses! This is how I felt – that when using those words (strictly in the marriage bed) that they weren’t meant in a derogatory or evil way, (and when he decided not to use them anymore I became kind of sad!)
I think his issue is that if he allows himself to use those words in that instance, he might slip up and use them in situations where he does not want to use them. But since reading you article, and your responses, we have had a great talk and agree that they do add to our sex life in a good way, and when we associate those words with for example acts or body parts, then he won’t slip up when we are with others. (I hope this sentence makes sense, it is late, and my baby won’t go to bed!!!)
thank you and God bless!
I’m so glad you guys approached this subject. My husband and I have recently re-kindled our marriage and sex life thanks to God’s intervention. We love talking “dirty” to each other and it really boosts our moods as well. We only do this in the privacy of one another. It also builds up our communication to one another. It was nice to hear others perspectives.
The ONLY time I EVER use swear words is when I’m talking dirty with my husband. They never even slip otherwise. I would feel doubly bad using them outside of the bedroom because I consider those words special in that they are just for our “sex time”.
Thanks for this great article!!! I just recently started using “dirty” words when having sex with my husband. I have to say that it’s been a liberating experience to finally say out loud what it’s already on your mind…
My husband loves and finds it extremely erotic and sensual to hear me saying these words!!!!
God bless!!!
Don’t be afraid to talk to your husband about this! When we were first married, there were some words that were “out of bounds” for me, that still are–ones I would never want used in speaking about me (especially ones that speak poorly of someone’s morality). I knew clinical terms, and used them. I had no idea what a turn-off doctor-speak was! We have been married almost ten years, and slowly, over the last couple of years, we have introduced some new words in our relationship. Poor guy. I had no idea he was having such a hard time. There is so much new stuff going on when you first get married, that it is good to revisit a “questionnaire” every few years. Likes and dislikes change!
I agree there is someting entirely erotic about two otherwise well-mannered people letting loose verbally in the bedroom. I love it when my husband grabs me from behind and lets his hands wander all over me while he whispers what he wants to do to me in my ear. It allows him to be a little dirty and it makes me feel like I am the object of his desire. I never thought I would love it so much, but I do.
Thanks for this article, and the comments. I never would have thought to write it, but its a good one.
The only reson these words are considered “dirty” is because they are about sex, and sex is considered dirty nonChirstians and by Christians distorted by the world. “Dirty words”, sex talk, is a matter of manners. It is impolite to break out the bedroom stuff in public.
Im surprised nobody has refered to Colossians 3:8, “rid yourself of…filthy language from your lips.” The greek translative has nothing whatever to do with sex talk, it is better translated “abusive speech.” It is about talking down to people, not about talking about sex. Because sex is noit filthy !!
Ummmmmmmmmmm Song of Solomon anyone? There is a LOT of sexual language in there that would not be what an Israelite would drop in normal conversation–unless it was to the appropriate person! Our double-entendre words are different 3000 years later. 🙂
If you listen to the Peasant Princess, by Marc Driscoll, he explains that her “belly” should be rather translated “vulva”. If we wished, we could call it something else. 🙂
I understand that using this language needs to be authentic and not contrived, but my husband really enjoys this a LOT and I’m running out of things to say. It started out with the “F” based exclamations and now, using the “dirtier” terms for parts of his body; but I’m not sure I want to use the female equivalents to describe parts of mine. Are there words that any of you are more comfortable with for the female body? Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks! (Oh and I do enjoy this BTW, he isn’t forcing me to do something I don’t want to do…I just sense that he needs more. I told him at one point that I was feeling pressured and he backed off telling me to talk to him…but I know he still wants it. And I still want it. I just don’t know what else to say!) Thanks!
Coco–
Unless there is a specific word (or words) that he really wants you to use, don’t sweat using actual, in common use, “dirty” words. I did learn that my husband had three specific words he wanted to use, but other than that, we have our own “code” words for body parts, which seems what you are asking for.
A code word can come from your memories together–a boat ride on the tunnel of love at the amusement park can easily be morphed to offering him a boat ride in your tunnel of love, etc…
Personally, I like the pussy/kitty/stroke/pet sort of terms. Double-entendre stuff is fun (i.e.: sticky buns…) If you are more comfortable with using a different language, use some terms in a foreign language you are interested in, or in the language of a place you would love to visit. Maybe you can present the new terms in a fun, steamy note for Valentines Day, with a themed dinner–Italian or French or ??? If you give him the card/note in front of your kids, it can have a P.S. promising him a private foreign language lesson. 🙂
That’s a fun idea, tigergirl! (on the language lesson!) thanks. 🙂
This is one area that I roared into when it was originally posted….and then it died the death of a thousand nights!….my man could not get into me using foul language.
In every day life, I rarely cuss but if I do, everyone heads for the hills because I am seriously FURIOUS!
I have been going through a re-feminizing of my deep womanhood and have come to terms with my bad self 😉 in such a unique way that I am cool with not using street talk in bed. In no way am I intimating that this is wrong bedroom speak…it just is not right for my marriage bed.
Smokeypuss, as her bad kitty self, comes out in sensual body language and in utter freedom to make satiation noises which end up truly convincing my husband that I am not putting myself into an alter ego. I am so into fantasy that I have to work on ‘keeping it real’ for myself.
I added this different spin on dirty talk in the bedroom since I have learnt that I have to be as authentic as possible otherwise my tendency is to fake the verbal element of my sexuality. My husband is ecstatically happy when I am wholly myself, good kitty/bad kitty. He loves the real me so I come out to play in our bed from ‘who I am’ without pressuring myself to be what I am not.
Those are fun ideas indeed! That definitely helps. Thanks!
I’m glad to hear that another woman is ok with the “pet” terms; my husband used one of those words to me and it made me uncomfortable, but the thing I’ve noticed is that I’m much more open to things that I know other Christian women are ok with. Really, I don’t have many hang ups and it’s been his (former) hang ups that have come between us in the past…with this, I enjoy it but just want to keep it fresh for both of us without taking it “too far,” so to speak.
For example, I tend to get turned off instantly when he uses a word that I’m not ok with; this may be a word I use from time to time outside the bedroom. One recent example: a word to refer to one’s backside that starts with an “a”. I may joke about “kicking someone’s a**” at a game or whatever, but when my husband is excited and says “Do you like it when I ___ your ____,” ugh I get a sick feeling…not necessarily with the first word, but with the word he used to refer to my backside. So basically, I’m trying to figure out where to draw the line and still keep him excited. Anyways as I say below, these are great ideas, and thank you!
Re: “Dirty” words, the Bible says that nothing is “unclean of itself,” and this includes language (see Romans 14:14). I think that designating certain words as “dirty,” even to make them fun to use in the bedroom, is to misunderstand why these words are shunned for public use. I do agree with most of Cinnamonsticks’ comments, however.
But to return to my point. As a substitute school teacher I often hear a child say, “He/she just said a bad/dirty word.” We teach children that certain words are “bad,” and it is wrong to do so, I think. A Christian should not use sexually explicit words (whether common terms or clinical words) in public conversation for the simple reason that, as creatures made “in the image of God,” human sex is a private, intimate relationship. Of all mammals, this is true only of humans.
Or, to extrapolate a bit, if Adam and Eve had never sinned, we’d today live in a world with a perfect environment, and clothing would not be needed. We’d all be naked in public, and enjoy the blessings of perfect bodies–no wrinkles, gray hair, arthritis or other diseases.
But I firmly believe that sex would still necessarily be private. Though animals, having no morals copulate publicly, God intended that human marriage relationships, like the relationship we each enjoy with our Redeemer, be intimate, and intimacy must insist on privacy. We thus reflect His holy image.
Therefore certain words should remain private; that is, not for common public use. Not that these words are “dirty,” but they are for intimacy only. So, yes, use them in the bedroom if you and your spouse are comfortable with them. But don’t call them dirty or teach your kids that they are dirty.
For a more thorough study of this, see C. S. Lewis’ essay, FOUR-LETTER WORDS.
Mystery Lover
I love for my hubby to come up behind me when I’m washing dishes and hug me or what you suggested…he rarely does it though.
I love to talk dirty now. We have been married for so long that we needed a little spice, something simple and a little dirty talk goes a long way. I only use my sexual words when we are gearing up for sex. When we make love it is sweeter with everything being more tender. When we get in the sex mode it gets more physical and verbal. We make love about once a week on average and it takes several hours, lots of close intimate time, sweet hugging, loving, and gentleness. But even as empty nesters we do not have the time for multiple days of hours of making love. My husband functions very well on sex every 2 days. With so much variety at our disposal being married it is much easier done as sex. Yes we love one another all the same and yet it is not the same as taking time making love. For us sex is faster. For me it is more about satisfying my man regularly so he never has need of a wandering eye or heart. For my husband, he loves proving that he still has it. LOL! Talking dirty has helped turned longies into quickies. I have found that the more I talk the more he orgasms, even married a couple of decades I can literally talk him into multiple orgasms in a day if need or desire be. 🙂
I don’t think dirty talk has to = foul language. “I love it when you suck/tease/tickle/kiss/lick…” Is a turn on for many guys yet has no explicit words. Be creatives. “Touching me_____ makes my body sing” “I love the feel of you inside me.” No naughty words but still communicating in a sexy way
That is what I am thinking. Dirty talk is a way of expressing my incredible sexual desire for my husband. It might be about what I want him to do, what he is doing to me, or what what he just did to me in a specifically descriptive manner detailing every minute. Each descriptive word I use is based on what I am feeling at the moment, perhaps thinking at the moment. It as nothing to do with being foul. The definition of what is a bad word is usually the context it is is being used in. When I use a word in a sexual context with my husband when referring to sex especially when having sex I am being sexual nothing more nothing less. I love to tell my husband how good he is making me feel or what I want him to do next to continue that feeling. I would never dream of saying these things to anyone else it is between my husband and me and our marriage bed. How I speak to him adds volumes to our sex increasing his libido 100 fold and isn’t that may desire during sex, to serve him pleasurably?
My “Ohhh Honey” and “Ohhhhh Tom” make my guy feel like the king of the world. I kind of would like him to talk more and I know I would like to be more vocal. I guess we’ll just have to practice more until more naughty words become more comfortable;)
Why stop if he is not saying that it is a problem? Ask him how he feels about it. I know that I may think things are a problem when they are not. I realize it when I actually communicate it with him. He may be ok with what you are saying. Just let go and say what you think he wants to hear. Ask him what he wants to hear you say. Guilt is of the devil. He tries to make us feel guilty to steal our joy. If God is not convicting you on it, don’t worry about it. I hope this makes sense. I love to talk dirty to my husband. He also loves it. It makes him get more turned on by it.
When we were first married I thought certain words CONSTANTLY during sex but felt like it would be wrong to say them out loud. I finally got on the same page with what this article is saying, and just started saying what I wanted to say, and it was a huge relief and turn-on. Now my husband knows he’s “doing it right” when I start cursing, and he jokes that he’s probably heard me say certain words more in one night than in the rest of my life combined 😉
Also, for the foreign-language thing, we’ve had a lot of fun with that. He took a few years of French and I took a few years of Italian, so sometimes we talk to each other only in those languages- it’s kind of a turn on that we don’t understand each other completely; we do lots of show-and-tell to explain the words we’re using, and it feels exciting to make love with someone in another language.
Gosh, this really helped. I have been married for few years and wasn’t sure if it was ok to use risque words, although many times I felt like using it but wasn’t sure . The above article really helped. Thanks a lot.
I just wish that I didn’t have to be soooooo turned on before I can do this. I still find myself inhibited unless I am very turned on.
This is my first post on this site after exploring it for the last week. The things I’ve learned here have already dramatically changed what’s going on in our marriage bed. I loved reading this post because it gave me some relief! My husband and I often use expletives during sex that we would never dare say outside the bedroom and I was wondering if this was ok. Glad to know we aren’t the only ones!