What can I do to initiate sex?

I have a really hard time initiating sex. I grew up thinking (and this is a misconception, btw) is that it isn’t ladylike to initiate. Where did I get that idea? Who knows? Maybe from all the Harelquin Romance novels I read where you get romanced and swept off your feet? Maybe from all the soap operas I watched for 10 years or so?

It is completely acceptable to initiate sex with your husband. And one thing that I learned from all of this, HE LOVES IT! It is a huge turn on for him! He doesn’t feel like he has to do all the work when it comes to intercourse. It has been a very hard thing for me to learn to do because it makes me step outside my 40 something comfort zone. THAT IS HARD! In all the books I read as an older teen/young 20’s woman, the man romances the pants off the woman, so what in the world could I do to change that in my life?

If you need an idea, I once gave my husband an all over massage. Get some massage oil of your choice, some lotion or even some coconut oil (yes, I said coconut oil!) and get him stripped down on the bed. Get naked yourself. The only rule…..he is not allowed to touch ANYTHING on you until you say so! Start with him on his stomach and slowly massage away all the tension in his shoulders, back, lower back, butt and legs. Use oil liberally. If his legs are spread when you are working on his legs, run your tongue over the boys to drive him wild. When he flips over, start back at his shoulder and chest area and down his abdomen….purposefully saving his manhood for later and massage all around that area and his legs. If he is really enjoying his massage, you will see evidence there by now! Run your tongue up his shaft. If you have some flavored lube, some caramel or chocolate, whipped cream, you might want to add it and take in the delight of his erection. Drive him wild…all the while, he cannot touch you until you are ready for intercourse with him…..or just finish him off in your mouth….whatever you choose.

Yes, I am taking baby steps in my journey to overcome the fear and intimidation of rejection or not pleasing him when I initiate….he is so appreciative when I go out of my way to do something for him to enhance the intimacy in our marriage bed.

aka nutmeg nympho


  1. Great idea! Storing it in my mind for later… if I ever get married and have sex that is!


  2. When I hit my 50’s my desire for sex increased dramatically. I don’t know if it was menopause or going off the pill. But at first it made my husband uncomfortable. He was always the one that initiated sex in the past. Now I couldn’t get enough of him! Since he has benefitted from the experience, he has adjusted rather well! To be honest it took awhile though. I think it was just a shock to us both that I changed soooo dramatically and so quickly. I am willing to do and try just about anything now. Sex has become so much fun!
    I’m so glad I found your site. I have been feeling guilty about my sex drive and the things I want to do. I’ve even quit going to church. But I have started to believe that I can be a Christian and have an exciting, creative sex life at the same time.
    I hope to find a church where other people feel the same way.

  3. me initiating sex is a huge turnoff for my husband. which just means that you have to initiate without him realizing.

    that means the art of flirting. a look, flipping your hair, laughing at his attempts to seduce you when he was actually not trying to seduce you … like if he looks at you in the living room, you can take the opportunity to say, (playfully, maybe rolling your eyes a little) “tch … haven’t you already had enough sex this week?” to make him think you think he is a studly stud.

    i wear stockings and sexy underwear a lot, and let him kinda sorta watch me change, but not exactly.

    basically initiate by letting him chase you and chase you until you catch him 🙂

  4. If anyone is feeling shy about initiating – the above might sound intimidating if you’re usually not the initiator. Often times when we go to bed I will just put my arm over him and start petting his arm while talking to him. Then I slowly move up his arm acting completely innocent of my intention. 🙂 Soon My hand is petting his chest and slowling getting closer to his nipples. By then I can usually tell he’s getting excited so I either let my hand move lower or just downright move down to give him OS. Usually he’s already at alert! I also love petting him a little to let him know my intentions then go down on him and make him hard in my mouth. One of the best things ever!

    The only bad thing about doing it this way is sometimes I get him so worked up I don’t get as much attention because he’s all worked up and ready to come!

    (If this is too much information please edit or delete!)

    One thing I’d like to share though. If you’re usually not the initiator I suggest changing things around and trying it. Always being the initiator sometimes makes me feel like, “Hey, yeah… it’s me again… needing sex again..” I know there’s nothing wrong with that it’s just sometimes it’s nice to have your spouse initiate so you can feel really wanted. Feel like they they’re coming over because they take pleasure in touching you. It’s also easier for me to climax when he initiates because I feel like he really wants me and isn’t just doing it because he feels like he has to.

  5. Very good tips!

  6. I’ve been married for 3 years and we have 2 children under 2. I love my husband to bits and I’ve always really loved sex with him, but as any mother of tiny kids knows, between morning sickness and sleep deprivation I generally just have nothing left at the end of the day! Not to mention feeling overweight, unattractive and dull.
    I read a few articles on here yesterday afternoon and decided life was too short and it was time to get over myself. I raced into town and bought some new underwear to replace the tired old stuff I’d been wearing since my 1st child was born, and last night I initiated sex for the first time in more than 2 years. I forgot about my wobbly thighs and went for it. The grin of delight on my husbands face made me feel like a million bucks and ashamed of myself all at once – I suddenly realised how unwanted he must have been feeling. I’m always an enthusiastic participant when he initiates, but being the seduce-ee sometimes rather than the seducer all the time is clearly something that’s important to him. I learnt a big lesson last night, I’m so glad I didn’t leave it any longer! Thank you 😉

  7. I am so glad you found this and our other articles helpful! I truly pray that your marriage continue to be blessed!

  8. Lisa, l think its wonderful that you found a way around the fact that your DH does not like you initiating. I think other women would feel hurt or close off due to insecurities, but not you. Thank you for your comment!

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