Why wait? The repercussions….

Did you read the latest headlines? Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant at age 16. Why is that even in this blog? Who cares, right? I think the biggest thing that disappoints me about this is the fact that the media and society glorifies premarital sex and having children out of wedlock. Kids are participating in sexual activities at an alarmingly younger age these days. Unfortunately, by not obeying God’s commands, society is placing a huge obstacle in the perfect gift that God has intended for married couples.

 

Did I wait? No. Do I regret it? Yes. Did it hurt my marriage bed? You bet. The most unfortunate part is that I came into my marriage with many partners in my past. Not just one, not two, but more than that. I had no clue what sex was all about when I lost my virginity at age 18. I had no idea that the thoughts and pain associated with that first partner and subsequent ones after that would really put a huge damper on my married sex life.

 

Neither my husband or I were virgins when we met. I think one of the first things that I did when I met him and I really started to have feelings for him, was to confess my past to him. Right up front, probably after a week or so of dating him. I wanted to put my past right out there so he could decide whether or not he wanted to pass me up for someone else. I had my bible with me that day because my past embarrassed the crap out of me. I read the part of the bible to him from John 8:1-11 where the woman was caught in adultery and she was about to be stoned. It reads….

1But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”


At that point a burden was lifted from me because he admitted his own indiscretions as well.

 

Did either of us go and sin no more? Nope. We decided to get married and moved in with each other….into a one bedroom apartment. We fooled ourselves into believing that we wouldn’t have sex with each other, but we did. Little teasings led to articles of clothing being removed, which led to the bedroom and sex. I think we did somehow manage to *not have intercourse* the month before our wedding day, but we really should have committed to remaining pure to each other until our wedding day. There are always ways to justify doing things in your mind. Satan loves to help us with that! Anything to get us to ignore God’s wishes and drag us into the pit with him. My justification? My husband lived in a rat hole apartment where gun fire was heard nightly, so I wanted him to live long enough to marry me. Could he have moved out and in with his parents? Probably, but we took the easy route to sin.

 

After we got married, sex was really good for 5 months. It was so good, we got pregnant right about the 5 month mark in our newlywed year. After our first born arrived, I lost my sex drive. Nope, don’t come within 10 feet of me. I am a Momma and Momma’s don’t have sex. I had no clue about all the hormones that were going through me and Satan found the perfect time to start all the lies he would feed me for the next 7 years or so. It started with the Momma thing and progressed to feelings of inadequacy about my postpartum body, I didn’t want him to see me naked, so my Granny jammies and panties started coming out of the dresser drawer. Then feelings of anger toward my husband and his incessant need for sex started coming out.. I didn’t look forward to going to bed at night. I didn’t want him to touch me. It didn’t just start out of the blue, it slowly festered within me until I realized that something was really wrong with me, but I didn’t know how to fix it and we couldn’t afford counseling. I really wanted another baby, but to make a baby, you have to have sex. Sex wasn’t for fun, it was for procreation…where did that one come from?? My husband finally agreed to have another baby and a few months later we were pregnant with number 2. Hormones again. I had trouble for the second time with breast feeding and was feeling really inadequate about not being able to provide what every mother in the universe can provide for their babies, but those same breasts were fascinations to my husband. He has always loved my breasts. I didn’t want him near them…they were for the baby. The lies continued to pile on. He was really at a point where he just wanted God to take his drive away. He would never leave me, but he couldn’t stand that a need that God had given him was not being fulfilled by the woman God intended for him. At this point, I broke down and realized that something needed to be done. I had read several books, and I started to understand more about how God had created my husband’s sex drive, it wasn’t something that he could turn off, and God truly intended it for our pleasure, not just his. I broke down crying out to God to change me to be the wife He intended for my husband. God knew I was ready to hear the truth and He started speaking to me about all the lies Satan had filled my head with. God, the voice of truth, started allowing me to see myself through my husband’s eyes. I realized I carried a lot of baggage and guilt about my past that was buried down deep, and God gently revealed to me that He had forgiven me, hubby had forgiven me, but I had never forgiven myself. When I finally gave my past over to God, I felt like a new woman. A completely new creation. The weight that was lifted from my shoulders made me feel lighter than air and I was a new sexual being as well. I call it my awakening….that’s what it felt like. My sex drive had been asleep for a very long time, and God awakened it. I loved it!

 

My past….well, it’s in the past, but it’s also in the Sea of Forgetfulness. God remembers it no more, so I do not dwell upon it. I have forgiven myself and I have vowed to work with my 2 blessed children so that they will learn from my mistakes. Will I tell them everything? No. Will I tell them that being promiscuous was the biggest regret I have ever had in my life? You bet. You cannot rewind time and go back and change things that are in the past. You can learn from your mistakes, repent and sin no more. I treasure my relationship with my husband and I thank God on a daily basis for giving me such a loyal and loving soulmate. He is the Lover in my life that is spoken of in Song of Solomon. The true spice in my life.

 

aka nutmeg nympho

Toys: Spice or Poison?

If you would have asked me when we first got married if I would ever own a sex toy, I would have told you emphatically NO! And I couldn’t explain to you why I felt that was such a dirty thing to own. For a girl who had found her clitoris very stimulating from the time I was about 8 years old, what was the difference in the masturbating to achieve that feeling back then and a toy? They both achieve the same thing. I found a bunch of Playboy magazines that were my father’s when I was 8 and seeing women touch themselves made me explore my own body.

So when my husband asked me about one, I wasn’t so sure about it. I did some research online. Believe me, there is a lot to choose from! I didn’t know if I wanted something that was like my husband because I didn’t want it to replace him, but in the end, I chose and ordered my first toy. It was a vibrating dildo and it broke within days of getting it! Argh! Over the years, we have built up a small collection of vibes….bullet vibes, egg vibes, gyrating dildos, waterproof vibes, a g-spot vibe, an anus plug and even made a clone a willy! (molding kit of my own dh) Each one was a new experiment for me. A step out of my comfort zone.

These toys have helped me in many ways. First and most importantly, they have helped me to explore my own body. I can find out what feels good, and I can communicate that to my husband during intercourse or oral sex. Bullet vibes helped me to learn how to orgasm, what point of the clitoris needed the most stimulation to achieve that orgasm, and it has helped me on days that it was very difficult for my honey to wait for me to come first.

Secondly, they have really eroticized our sex life. There have been occasions where my husband has been out of time and I have had HUGE desires for him. He gives me permission to achieve a release when he is gone. I never fantasize about someone else, it is always about HIM. And the vibes and dildoes have been a great source for turning him on. We have added a 3’x4’ mirror to our room, and I use it and angle our webcam when he is on trips to show him what I wish he were doing to me at that moment. It is extremely erotic and arousing for both of us when we use our webcam when we are apart.

The webcam and our video camera have become tools for sexual pleasure for us. Whether webcamming while he is out of town or video taping a very pleasurable lovemaking session, we take advantage of opportunities to enhance our stimulation and pleasure with each other.

Okay, if this sounds like something out of a porn movie, there is one big difference. Everything my husband and I do with toys, cameras, whatever is only with and for each other. The bible tells us in Matthew 19:4-5 “ “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” We believe thsi wholeheartedly. I had this read in our wedding vows. We have never added another presence into our marriage bed. It’s just us. Yeah, we get a lot of eroticism from watching our home movies, but it’s just him and me. We have never added pornographic videos into our sex life. We have never added other people, whether a threesome or intermarital affairs into our marriage bed. We have never even entertained the thought of bestiality into our bedroom because biblically, God does not approve. The only other presence in our marriage bed is God, who blesses our union every time we come together.

The bible is silent on certain topics. There is no passage in the bible that says sex toys are wrong or right. But there are passages that let us know what IS wrong… like adultery, bestiality, fornication and homosexuality. As long as you don’t bring into your marriage bed the things God construes as a sin, I do believe that God approves. (And yes, dear one, this does include what and who you are thinking of while you are making love to your spouse)

Now my life does not revolve around my sex toys. Honestly, I don’t use them as much anymore. I know how to maneuver myself so that I use my husband to achieve the same goal that they were originally intended for. It is nice to know that they are there for the next out of town jaunt he must take, so I keep those batteries charged for their next use!

aka nutmeg nympho

Why Wait for Wild, Crazy, Awkward Honeymoon Sex

I grew up being taught that sex was for marriage and I made a decision before I started dating that I would be a virgin on my wedding night. I saw that as a very precious gift that I could give my husband and started praying that he too would be a virgin when we got married. I dated through high school and college, choosing guys who respected that decision. One boyfriend, in fact, I dated for nearly two years and his hands never roamed to places that were sexual. My rule to myself for having guys touch me or me touch them was “If it gets covered by a bathing suit, it doesn’t get touched.” It was a simple way to have my boundaries clear in my mind and I knew how far was too far.

So why does it matter? What is really wrong with sex outside of marriage? Does the Bible really say that sex outside of marriage is wrong?

Let’s start by looking at the Bible to understand what God’s intention was for marriage and sex. God created Adam and Eve to work together in the garden and from the beginning He said they would be one flesh. This is a reference to sexual oneness. God arranged it so that when a man and woman have sex it is a union of their spirit, soul and body. In the right context this is a very good thing, but in the context of having multiple partners before marriage it is a very dangerous thing. Why? Because ties you have to other people which are only intended to be had with your spouse become a block to intimacy.

There is no verse that says “Thou shalt not have sex before marriage.” It isn’t that clear, just as the concept of the Trinity isn’t overtly stated anywhere in scripture. We need to look at scripture as a whole to understand God’s view of something and included in the category of sexual immorality is this concept of “fornication” which is simply premarital sex.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18

Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Ephesians 5:2-3

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

God doesn’t establish what is right and what is wrong to punish us or make our life hard. The truth is that the way He calls us to live is perfect in every way and will result in blessing and joy if we follow it. So by giving us parameters by which we are free to release ourselves sexually, He is giving us a safe place to be who He made us to be. It is damaging to us if we participate in acts He has instructed us to avoid.

The only problem with sex is that it’s wonderful and the secret is out. We have explored the spiritual reasons for committing yourself to abstinence before marriage, but on a practical level, apart from God having established that sex is to be enjoyed in the safety of a committed marriage relationship, why would anyone choose to remain a virgin until marriage in a world that doesn’t value purity.

Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) and unexpected pregnancy without the security of a marriage in place are among the higher, most practical reasons to commit oneself to sexual purity. Most of the people being infected by STIs are between the ages of 15 and 24 and teenage pregnancy is overwhelmingly rampant. Once a teenage girl becomes pregnant her life is changed forever. Whatever she does at that point will affect her for the rest of her life. And with STIs that can affect your ability to have children later in life, cause a plethora of very uncomfortable infections, and possibly even become fatal I am saddened and surprised that the message is so strongly on safer sex when the real solution is to remain abstinent. I do not sit on the side of “they are going to do it anyway, so let’s minimize the damage.” I believe that our young adults possess a tremendous ability to stand with sexual integrity and I find it insulting that so many “professionals” don’t believe that unmarried and sexually aware young people can control their sexual behavior. They certainly can, but they need to be empowered with the knowledge to do so.

Apart from these reasons, it is intensely gratifying to know that you have shared every sexual experience with one person only. My wedding night was amazing, and my husband was a virgin too. We have enjoyed years of exploring each other and finding out what we find erotic and pleasurable without thoughts of prior partners. Whether we are referring to body parts, sex acts or technique, I know that I am the best he has ever had because I am the only one he has ever had. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

Having said all this, if you have made mistakes in your sexual past and given away more than you wanted to, it isn’t to late. God can bring forgiveness and offer you a second chance at renewed virginity. If you want to recommit yourself to purity and abstinence it is a simple as coming to God the Father, acknowledging your sin and asking His forgiveness in the name of Jesus, and then inviting Him to cleanse your heart and mind and empower you by His Spirit to remain pure. He can take your broken heart and make it whole again.

  • Click here
  • December 2007
    S M T W T F S
        Jan »
     1
    2345678
    9101112131415
    16171819202122
    23242526272829
    3031  
  • Archives