So you’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting. You’ve thought about your wedding night many times and wondered what it will be like. Anyone who remains a virgin until their wedding night in this culture did not arrive at that place by accident. It was a deliberate choice to live a life of purity. Good for you!
So now you’re engaged and you actually have a date that you know will be the night you first get to have sex. How exciting! What now?
Before the Honeymoon
The first step is to communicate with your fiancé long before your honeymoon. Talk about your expectations both for the honeymoon and for your sexual relationship in general. Click here for a list of questions to examen together as you approach your wedding day. Among the questions you will want to look at, consider how often you think is reasonable for a couple to have sex? Are there certain sex acts you feel are sinful? Are there others you may want to try sometime, but don’t think you will want to try right away? Do either of you have sexual sin issues? Talk about it now. What about masturbation? Are there some circumstances where you think it is acceptable for either of you to masturbate? While one of you is out of town? Women who masturbate can use it to keep their drive up, while men tend to have a refractory period which may mean that he is unavailable to get an erection when his wife wants to have sex with him. These are all important discussions to have before you get married because unexpressed expectations result in disappointment when things don’t go as you thought they would.
In addition to communicating your expectations and ideas about sex, you want to understand your sexual body. If you haven’t explored yourself very much take the time to connect with your sexual side. Do you know where your clitoris is? Do you know what it does? Do you know that you don’t need to have penis in vagina sex in order to achieve an orgasm so theoretically you can have an orgasm on your first night? Do you know that there are two kinds of orgasms that women can have? Consider all these questions and find the answer if you do not know it. You can ask any of the women you trust or you can ask us, the women of this blog. We are here as a source of information and support to all women, that we would embrace who God made us as sexual beings and for the purpose He intended. Good girls LOVE sex.
What to Pack for the Honeymoon
First, you will want things to set the mood. Lingerie (some guys like it more than others, but even if your man doesn’t it can be something that makes YOU feel sexy so that is reason enough to wear it), music, massage oil, candles. You’ll want some sort of lubricant and I would bring a variety so that you can see which ones you like the best. Some are stickier than others, some are flavored, some are warming (I have heard mixed reviews about these warming lubes). Coconut oil is a little known secret lubricant I will share with you, but do not use it with condoms as it can break down the latex. As you become accustomed to intercourse you may find you need lubricant less and less, but you may notice that you need it more during certain times of your menstrual cycle.
As much as you like the idea of having continuous sex the whole time, it just isn’t possible so keeping the fire going in other ways is a good option. A sex game and/or book such as Intimate Issues, Celebration of Sex or Red Hot Monogamy might be fun to enjoy together and all these books are written by Christians. My husband and I actually went to a library on our honeymoon in search of a book to help us. It’s a funny memory. I wish we’d thought to bring one with us.
On the practical side, whatever form of birth control you are using, be sure to bring that with you (pills, condoms…). If you anticipate that the place your are staying at for your honeymoon may not have enough towels, you may want to bring extra towels because sex can be messy and good sex is even messier. Both you and your husband will be producing lots of natural fluids in addition to any lubricant you add from a bottle.
The First Night
So now you have communicated your expectations and have packed for your honeymoon and you are days from you wedding which means that sexual awakening is just around the corner. This is one of the things you need to talk to your fiancé about. What do you expect on your first night? If you get to the hotel at midnight, you are going to be exhausted. In that kind of situation, how do you and your husband want to spend the first night together?
Leading Up to Penetration
If you enjoy alcohol it is a good idea to have a glass or two to relax you and continue building the mood. Spending lots of time in foreplay is going to help you produce your natural lubricants. Enjoy lots of kissing and exploring each others bodies. Allow yourself to let go of your inhibitions and embrace your erotic self. God made you a sexual being so rejoice in that. Your mind is an important tool in arousal. Let your mind become involved. Connect mentally with what is happening in your body and talk about how you are feeling. You will find that as you become more and more aroused that your vagina is producing more lubricant. So the more aroused you are the easier it will be for your husband to enter you. You will most likely benefit from additional lubricant before going for penetration.
The First Time
So now that you are aroused and ready to have your husband enter you, you want to be in a position that is comfortable for you. When your husband breaks through your hymen it will be anywhere from a little uncomfortable to very painful so you want to be in a position were you feel you can control the situation. No propped-up-against-the-wall sex just yet. Many women find it easiest if they are laying on their back with their husband on top and then guiding him in with her hand, but you may find that you feel it is easier with you on top because you can lower yourself on your husband as you feel comfortable. Communication at this point is key because your husband needs to know if you want him to go slower or faster or stop all movement. It won’t be hurting him so you need to tell him how to proceed. Not only will breaking the hymen be uncomfortable, but you also will be very tight which may be painful. The more you have sex, the more you will loosen up, but this can take quite some time for some women.
The key in all of this is to enjoy yourselves. It will be new and exciting and awkward all at the same time, but so much fun. Enjoy the journey and maintain great communication all through your marriage in every area.
Enjoy your honeymoon!
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Christian Nymphos 
If she has it broken by a doctor then what was the point in waiting?
Where does it say to have someone other than your spouse break the hymen in the Bible?
If someone else breaks it they have deflowered you. Not your husband as God intended.
So in the case where women accidentally break their hymen through non-sexual activities, are they made impure?
My opinion is that an intact hymen is not the determining factor for purity. I believe that sin can occur long before a hymen is broken and breaking the hymen is not necessarily sin. Some women have a thicker, tougher hymen and for them I would not be in opposition to them having a procedure done by their doctor.
But I would agree that my preference is to have my husband break it.
This is such a tough issue, I think. And there are a lot of different opinions by Christian authors. I have read Christian authors who suggest having an MD use the kit or using dilators in gradually increasing sizes (which I guess could break the hymen…I am just not sure, I would guess it is a stretching exercise). I have also read what a special and bonding activity it can be for a couple.
I am a virgin at nearly 29, and am getting married in 2 months. Having had several christian friends (virgins) who did not and have not transitioned into great sexual relationships with their husbands (or even existing sexual relationships), I have tried to educate myself. I thought about having it broken…the books make a good case. Pain associated with MD visit, not sex with husband. “Easier” and other similar positives. While I agree that hymen does not equal purity…I discussed it with my fiance (a re-virgin if you will). He was all for it. He thought it was a fantastic idea, but said whatever I decided was great with him. I decided I have so much emotion tied in this…that for me…I would feel like I missed something if he didn’t get to break it.
I just wanted to say how awesome it is that you have stayed pure until now, SoontobeMrs. I did, however, want to mention my friend’s experience with this because I understand the emotional tie in this situation.
My friend expected her hymen to be broken on her and her husband’s “honeymoon night” and when they found it wasn’t there she was almost hysterical. She and I both grew up in very conservative homes and we both felt like the lack of hymen made us “not pure” . Fortunately, her husband was VERY understanding and talked her though it. Since then I have had several women ask me similar questions with that concern (i’m an OB nurse) and I want to assure you that it is VERY common for the hymen to break in other ways.
The reason I’m telling you this is because you have waited a very long time for this very special night and I don’t want you to panic if things are slightly different than you expect as far as that is concerned. Congratulations on your marriage, I pray that your honeymoon is everything you’ve ever dreamed ❤
There are three things I learned from my wedding night that I’ve been trying to pass on to other girls I know as they get married. They may not be true for everyone (who knows, maybe they’re only true for me), but here they are, for what they’re worth:
1. Lubricant is your friend. Especially for the first time, but at least for my husband and me, it’s a must every time. (There was once when we got stuck in Dallas because the weather messed up our flights, so we decided to have a bit of fun in the hotel room even though we didn’t have the lube with us, and it turned out to be fairly painful for both of us.)
2. The first time can be messy – I recommend being either over a tile floor or in the tub. I had a vague idea that there might be a bit of blood from the hymen being torn, but it was ridiculous; we had to drain/refill the tub multiple times, there was so much blood. Not terribly painful, but it would have been mildly disastrous if I’d made that huge mess in the nice hotel bed we were going to be sleeping in.
3. Urinary tract infections are no fun. The best way I’ve found to avoid them is to pee after sex and make cranberry juice your new favorite juice. (Something in cranberry juice helps prevent UTIs.) Within the first month of being married, I got a nasty UTI that gave me a temperature of over 103 … not a fun way to spend a weekend.
I hope this is helpful to someone – like I said, what was true for me may not be true for everyone, but I wish someone had told me these things before.
Hey Katie,
You made my day as I recalled our honeymoon UTI when I tried to prevent any odor by using perfumed body oil..concentrated and straight up..ouch. Naiivete but precious !
We had to go to a pharmacy to describe my diiscomfort and the old jerk and jerkess behind the counter gave each other a knowing, disgruntled look and told me I had a case of ‘honeymoon thrush’. I naturally blush really easily but that day took the prize. Glad my husband and I could laugh our heads off afterwards.
I take cranberry capsules twice a day and yes, lube for EVERYTHING. Great idea to use the tub. You are a darling for being so tutorially expressive.
Thanks for the wonderful memory jog for me 😉
smP
hi! i get married in july and i so glad i found this!
i had a rather traumatic transvaginal ultrasound on wednesday
and because i wasn’t even a user of tampons that was the first thing up there (sorry if thats TMI) and the pain was so intense it made me dread losing our virginities on the night. previously i was looking forward to it. but it sorta scared me. now i know that it’ll be worth it if it does indeed get painful!
and also i forgot to say i love that you can talk about sex in a biblical yet true way! see you all after the wedding!
Hi Engagedprincess,
Soon to be your darling’s queen, right 😉 One of the most remarkable books I have read concerning preparation for your wedding night, is the one which is touted on this site many times titled, “Sheet Music”. The honeymoon information is tenderly and respectfully written yet is carefully thorough.
It is an honor, as an older woman in Christ, to read and pray for you as you enter into the marvelous world of Christian wifehood. TMI does not bother me at all. If only more young Christian women knew how to turn to older sisters in Christ, regarding their sexuality.
I wish you a fantastic honeymoon with many of your dreams, and your husband’s dreams, fulfilled. Afterwards, come back here and read, read, read to make your marriage bed beautifully delicious for both of you. Hurry up July 😉
So what you are saying is: The physical aspect of the hymen being intact is much more important than the fact that she is a virgin. And if the hymen is broken, she is not a virgin?
The point of waiting for the wedding night is our of love and respect for each other.
Many women have their hymens broken from exercise or recreation. Are you going to hold that against them?
My fiance’s pure heart is a million times more important than a tiny piece of flesh inside of her which is ultimately, meaningless.
I wouldn’t recommend attatching any real importance to the precence or absence of a hymen. I think it is basically a neutral issue, given that it can be broken dozens of different ways that have nothing to do with sex.
Horse riding, gymnastics, excersise, even a routine cervical exam – the list is endless. If your husband does it, then fine. If a doctor does it, thats fine too.
While I can’t chime in much on the wedding night issue (mine’s coming up, eep!), I did feel the need to chime in an alt perspective on the hymen=virginity notion. The example that comes to mind is my best friend, who was raped several times when we were both in elementary school (I found out later). She asked me a bit after we graduated high school if she was still a virgin.
I wasn’t trying to patronize her, but I pointed out something that I believe: virginity is about purity, and when push came to shove, she was honestly more of a virgin than I was. I made the mistake of looking at things online I shouldn’t have when I was a teen. Even though we’ve made it to our wedding night without having sex, there was fooling around and compromises we both regret between my fiance’ and myself (I give my props to girls and guys who wait on all fronts. You’ve made the right choice!). My friend lost her physical virginity, yes, but that’s not the part that counts. The part that counts is the purity and she maintained that, while in many ways I failed to do so. The purity of heart and actions is the key thing, not the physical breakage thereof. There is certainly something Biblical about having that piece of skin broken by your husband (symbolism of a blood covenant) but God’s the one who designed us. If He didn’t know a woman’s body doesn’t always work like that, He wouldn’t be God ; ). He’ll understand and its the heart he wants.
I could’nt agree more. You’ve said it all, and so beautifully too. God looks at the heart not just at the physical the way we humans often do.
Woohoo! Got married this past Saturday and now can chime in some advice for how to handle the wedding night/honeymoon. My experience was somewhat more harrowing than many women here have described but it has brought me so close to my husband and built our understanding, love, and patience for eachother. Going to share for those few who may have to take it as slow as we did…
My loving new husband lead me to our room (which was amazingly beautiful… flower petals everywhere, dim lighting, wine, chocolate strawberries, candles… absolutely stunning. The hotel took realllllly good care of us). We relaxed for a bit, then decided to take our long-awaited-for first shower. It was beautiful, the foreplay was great, everything was fantastic until that moment of breaking my hymen started moving closer. To say I was tight would be an understatement… even OB-gyn appointments have caused me uber amounts of discomfort in the past. We used lube, we had towels, I had shared with him the advice from this site, and I was still getting more and more nervous, shaking, telling him I was scared. He did everything he could to comfort me, but when the big moment came, it was so painful I actually cried out in pain… pain like I had never expected. I’ve done lucha libre and martial arts, I don’t have a low pain tolerance, but this was agony like I’d never experienced, probably because he’d attempted to be gentle and I kept blocking him with my legs because it hurt (he physically couldn’t make a quick thrust with me holding him like that). I started having an anxiety attack when I realized we hadn’t broke it, and we had to stop. He was so tired he went to sleep and I went in the bathroom and cried, terrified that I wouldn’t be able to do this. When I spoke to him after, he said it was okay, that we should rest and would try again tomorrow; we actually used the experience to get used to eachothers bodies and I finished him off with touching, which he didn’t mind at all. He cuddled me and we fell asleep. This extra time to clear my head helped exponentially.
When I realized just how painful it was going to be, I came up with a strategy. The next day I was pretty sick because I accidentally took two birth control pills, but after that wore off, my husband and I did what we did before (lots of foreplay and lube), I laid on my back with my legs open while biting down on a pillow so the neighbors wouldn’t hear the cry-out, he firmly held my legs open, and stuck it in all the way with one quick move. I felt an intense snap and a sensation not entirely unlike being shot with a crossbow, pretty painful… I know, its horrible and some women will tell me that sharing that is unhelpful, but I was not prepared for this and I wish I would have been. After this, he pulled out, we checked for blood (a fair amount of it; he’d been terrified of that part and did quite well!).
After that, we did nothing… again, we used the oppurtunity to explore eachother’s bodies but did not have sex, I was too sore and was spotting all day. The next day we flew to Hawaii, and in the evening of that day, I started the slow process of loosening up… learning how to do more foreplay, switching positions so I was on top, and sliding it in slowly as far as I could. There was alot of burning and quite a bit of bleeding again.
Basically, we continued this process every day: once a day, attempting to go a little further until we could finally have sex. The biggest thing this taught me is to get some of the romance novel images out of your mind, and understand that your honeymoon isn’t necessarily going to be a non-stop sex fest (though for the few who can pull that off, props lol). It’s a process, sometimes slow, of learning how to be intimate with your partner, and celebrating each discovery. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. There will be goof ups, and that’s part of the learning.
Oh, and just to add two things that I didn’t clarify. 1) We did not have our first attempt at intercourse in the shower, we were worried it’d wash away the lube and make it painful. 2) After we managed to break the hymen the next day, we celebrated by taking a warm bath. While I wouldn’t recommend sitting there with your legs open (that stings), the heat totally allieved some of the pain and relaxed us both. Great bonding time to let him enjoy the victory of being the sole bearer of your V-card! 😀 And also to acknowledge just how tough you really are!
SpiceGirls, thank you so much for such a supportive resource. I am getting married next August, and your site has been a great tool of communication, to let me know what to expect, and what to talk about with my fiance.
I want to share some of my fears with your female readers, in hopes that I can receive some advice in return…
I am quite nervous about post-marital sex, for no other reason than the expected pain. I have never been successful with tampons– try as I might, it is as if a hole no longer exists when I try to insert one! I have fingered myself in the shower, after becoming more relaxed and massaging the area, and, although foreign-feeling, my finger “fits”, and so I shouldn’t have a problem… sounds like I have a case of vaginismus, maybe? Doesn’t bode too well for the honeymoon :S, but I hope it will be different.
I guess what I’m most curious about is to hear from other readers who also had very tight vaginas, and what their experiences were like after getting married. How long did it take to enjoy sex before it stopped hurting?
Thank you, I look forward to receiving feedback!
ummmmmmm … physically i had to wait a week before i felt no pain after the first time.
however, it took me a lot longer to really become comfortable with sex.
i am much more critical of my body than my hubby is. it took me a while to realize — in my heart — that men like sex. a lot. that was just my esteem issue.
however, physically i was not sore after about a week. you will need a lot of lubricant, but that is no big deal. use three times as much as you think you will need. you can always wipe some off, but if you do not have enough you will regret it.
hi there,
i felt a need to reply to this comment. i got married 3 months ago (july) and like you i was worried about the expected pain. this totally didn’t help things and i know you can’t help that! my experience was overall really great but when it came him actually penetrating me i was hyperventilating (and that distressed my husband understandably) we tried 3 times before it finally happened. i didn’t realise how emotional it would be… i was just sooo happy i waited for him and vice versa. after that sex was a bit uncomfortable but lubrication made it tons better… however i got diagnosed with vaginismus which i believe was triggered by a transvaginal scan i had to do 2 months before the wedding, but i’m being treated at the moment and i believe that i will soon be able to cash in full the amazing gift God has given us…
so that’s my experience… you will be great! i recommend the following books the celebration of sex by dr rosenau and intimate issues by linda pintus (this especially helped) they’re both christian authors.
Just want to let all you of you virgins out there know first time sex isn’t always so bad, I don’t think we should fear it.
I was married at 23, and had never heard any “horror” stories from friends and family. I didn’t know I should be worried about it, instead it was anticipated. To me sex was something that I was looking forward to. A good thing between you and your spouse. I didn’t experience any bleeding or pain. We had alot of sex on our wedding night, so the next day I was a little sore, my pubic bone felt bruised, but that was the worst of it. My wedding night was more awkward than anything, the whole idea of seeing each other naked. I had to get used to that, but honestly that didn’t take to long either.
I think the whole “wedding night” experience should be viewed as a positive thing and couples should go into it thinking that way instead of with fear. I know everyone is different and eveyone’s body is different, but why worry about something that may not be so bad, it just might turn out good.
Young Lady Love–
Just some encouragement–try using a tiny (pea-sized) bit of K-Y Jelly on the tip of your tampon. Also–try using a tampon with a plastic applicator or a very smooth cardboard one. In that case, rub a tiny bit of K-Y Jelly on the actual tampon that is sticking out of the cardboard tube. The lube will help you slide the applicator in smoothly.
If you really can’t get a tampon in at all, do have a physical exam several months ahead, to make sure that you don’t have any physical issues to overcome in order to consummate your marriage.
Thanks girls for the advice! My fiance and I have talked about this and I think we had high expectations for it. Now after looking up more information, we’ll be more prepared for that night a little over 6 months from now! God bless!
You should still have high expectations! You get to give yourselves to each other, and begin the journey of a lifetime!
Thank you for the advice, ladies! You are right, I do need to stop worrying about the pain… it will still be amazing to finally be with my beloved!
Thank you, Tiger Girl, I will try to put some lubricant on the tampon.
One other question regarding DH’s refractory period…
So my situation is a rather unique one. My fiance is much more sexually pure than I am –and any other guy I know!, and has completely –and utterly– abstained from masturbation and pornography. Beyond a few slip ups that he felt extremely guilty about, he has gone over 10 years without these things. Don’t get me wrong: he is still very, very much a sexual man, and I am very much looking forward to 9 months from now =D
My question is: can any wives or husbands comment on a similar experience, where the man has completely abstained from these sexual releases? What was his refractory period like after the wedding? We have been joking that we’re going to have to work on his tolerance… to build it up beyond 5 seconds…
The refractory period is the amount of time it takes a man to be able to get another erection after he orgasms. For some men this is minutes, for other men it is a day or more. Is this your question or are you wondering about how long he can maintain his current erection during sex? If this is your question, it is possible that you will need to work on extending his ability to keep his erections for longer durations, but there are lots of exercises you will be able to do for this. Then again, it may not be a problem for you. 🙂
Sorry, I’ll clarify. We’re guessing that his lack of manual sexual stimulation will mean that he won’t be able to maintain an erection for very long, and he will ejaculate/orgasm very quickly.
What we’re wondering about, is if this lack of stimulation also affects the refractory period. For example, do men who masturbate a lot have a shorter/longer refractory period than those who don’t?
Gotcha. Well, it commonly has more to do with age than how active a man has or hasn’t been, but it really does vary from man to man even in younger men.
To answer your question – I was my DH’s first (incredible as it may seem) and he was already into his 30’s when we hooked up. He has never MB’d (and still refuses to, even though I would very much like him to do that for my viewing pleasure) nor used porn. He did have a problem with PE, but we found that that is usually only with the first session. With subsequent sessions he can go on for much longer. We are still working on getting there with the first, and I’ve had to learn to orgasm without PIV intercourse, but it can only get better. Anyway, that’s my own two cents…
Hey JustAroundTheCorner,
I admire your dedication to establishing physical intimacy with your husband. It truly is an honourable intent. What upset me most about your story is not the trials of your first time; because these tribulations build character, intimacy, and understanding. What upset me was the lost opportunity to build emotional intimacy with your husband on your wedding night. Crying in the bathroom alone while your husband catches some shut-eye is not an image I associate with a truly intimate couple. Normally, I would not comment, but many women are using this site as a resource to discuss sexuality with their soon-to-be husbands. I want to enforce the importance of discussing the emotional support that is required ontop of the physical aspects of the wedding night.
I have to chime in here with our experience. It was so hard to deal with, both physically and emotionally, and I really did not find more than two lines about it in the book we had read (Intended for Pleasure). My husband had struggled with porn/lust and masturbation for about 15 years before we were married. The guilt was a hard thing to live with. Switching to PIV sex, and knowing that sex/ejaculation was good and right was hard. Putting mind over matter, so to speak. It was hard for him to get the stimulation he needed in my sore vagina (he was afraid, I think, of thrusting long enough), and the stimulation was different from his hands. We had sex for a week, then (because we used FAM contraception) switched to manual stimulation. He FINALLY ejaculated, about nine days into our marriage. A week later, when we had PIV sex again, he was used to having ejaculations with me, and he knew I was pretty healed up, and we had an amazing time.
I guess it would be nice if both sides of the equation were presented more often. 🙂 Most honeymoon stuff basically tells you that he is going to have premature ejaculation, so get over it. But he didn’t. Nor did he ejaculate at all. It was frustrating. We had sex off and on that first night, until daybreak. And it was not the last night that I was woken for sex that week. (Not that I minded.) I will say that he is an amazing lover, starting out that first night. He brought me to orgasm that first time, even.
Another note on this–the idea that an opening does not even seem to exist when you start to introduce a tampon–
Sex should follow lots of foreplay–kissing, touching, etc… your body will prepare for him. Your vulva will engorge with blood, and be firm to the touch. And it should self-lube. One generally does not get herself to that stage before introducing a tampon! The opening will be there, between the labia.
Just wanted to chime in with another counterpoint to the stories about lots of pain and blood. The first time I had sex, there was no blood on the actual night, and only mild discomfort/tightness. I am one of those people whose hymen was broken through physical activity beforehand — I was really athletic in high school and played water polo, volleyball, etc. And I don’t think it made me any less pure, either, just less pained!
Some of my notes: It really helped to have a kind, gentle man who kept asking “are you okay? how does it feel?” Communication is SO important on this big night! And the fact that he is paying attention to you — when he’s in the middle of what is so far the greatest pleasure he has ever experienced — only brings you closer and shows the strength of your relationship. So make sure that your relationship is really built on tenderness and trust, and you will be okay.
In terms of position, I preferred him on top because I was scared (and because at first, it did hurt a bit). I knew that he would stop if I asked him to and I wasn’t sure I’d have the nerve to lower myself down on top of him. Now after a bit of experience I can say that with your legs opened wide and him on top, this is one of the best positions for stretching you out. (Also, for me, being on top seems to feel “extra deep” if you know what I mean… and that’s not something you necessarily want for your first time…) Also, USE LOTS OF PILLOWS so that you are as comfortable as possible. Raising your hips a bit up on pillows helps relax and stretch you in good places. And make sure you take your time — there’s a lot of anticipation and you might just want to get it over with quick but the more ready your body is from foreplay, the less it will hurt!
Morning after: The next day, I felt decidedly “different” down there. There was mild spotting for about 48 hours, and I felt stretched out and a little sore. Weirdly enough, I kind of liked this feeling… it let me know that something important had happened, and it had!
Finally, maybe that’s all been TMI, but I think one of the secrets to a good love life isn’t the actual intercourse part. One of the hardest things for me was to feel comfortable naked, and to accept being pleasured without feeling self-conscious — and once you reach this point with your spouse where both of those things are comfortable and natural, that’s really the best part. For those of you who have a painful first experience, just stay away from penetration for the rest of the honeymoon — God gave you other things to pleasure each other with, too! We waited a couple of days before trying again since I was sore the day after. And while I do believe that the act of penetration is sacred, there’s no reason to spoil your honeymoon trying to make it work for both of you. Loosening yourself up, and learning the right moves to help get your natural lube (and orgasm engines) flowing, takes time. If you’ve kept really pure until now, it’s also a great time to explore with lips and hands… and getting comfortable with each other’s bodies. No need to hurt yourself trying to make your husband happy, when he’s happy just to be in bed with you… and you have your whole lives to perfect that other (intercourse) part.
“In terms of position, I preferred him on top because I was scared … and I wasn’t sure I’d have the nerve to lower myself down on top of him.”
ok … this is just a little embarrassing, but i also wanted him on top first for the same reasons … and we had both really wanted to also do the position with him behind on our wedding night too.
we both had separately listed it as one of the things we wanted to try right away, (we both rated it a 100 out of 100). we both agreed! we both were looking forward too it. the first time was great! i was so excited i could barely breath …
then when it came time for the second time … which we had both really looked forward too, and even teased each other about …
i suddenly realized that him behind leaves the woman really exposed … really really exposed … i balked like a red sox pitcher in the 9th inning of the seventh game of the world series with the bases loaded 🙂
it takes a while to get over shyness … ut you will get there. there is not much pain.
I would highly recommend getting two books: “Sheet Music” and “Turn up the Heat” by Kevin Leman. Not only are these two books hysterical, but they provide some of the best sex advice from a Christian perspective that I’ve yet to find. I sincerely wish I would have had these books before my honeymoon.
I won’t lie… my first sexual experience hurt like hell, but I think alot of that is things my husband and I did wrong. I, like you, found sticking a finger or anything but a tampon in my vagina very painful (I still do at times). The only reason I’m comfortable with tampons is because I’ve used them for years and taught myself how to relax when putting them in.
Truth is, I wish I would have done more work to address this pain before the honeymoon… Alot of women are able to loosen up just by using their finger(s) to gently stretch the hymen. It’s uncomfortable and can be slightly painful, but its nothing compared to the hymen breaking if it hasn’t been stretched (though this varies from woman to woman). Make it a habit to work on this in the months, weeks, and days before your honeymoon.
The most helpful advice I’ve seen is to talk to your OB-Gyn about methods to stretch your hymen. While the doctor can break your hymen, honestly I wouldn’t remove that experience from the honeymoon just because of pain. Overcoming that challenge will be a glorious triumph for you and your husband that is just too fun the bask in after its over (plus, some believe that the blood that occurs during first time sex is symbolic of the blood covenant of your marriage, which I thought was kind of a cool reason to have us break it ourselves). Stretching it is important though, so talk to your doctor about how to do this. She might do some of it, or she might direct you to a diaphragm-type tool) that will help you slowly stretch your hymen.
Also, Dr. Harley, the author of “His Needs Her Needs” has a page on his site that address how to overcome vaginismus. It’s in the Q&A section I think under “Pain during Intercourse” or something similar. He has a good method for conquering that.
It’s possible you’ll still have pain your first time… The stretching will reduce it so your won’t experience anything nearly as rough as I did. Also, take a couple tylenol or advil about half an hour to an hour before the big event. The key I found is to take it slow. Celebrate every little triumph throughout your honeymoon and work in baby steps… Loosening up takes a long time. I did have some pretty enjoyable sex even with the pain in the later days of my honeymoon, but to this day I still have pain occasionally and it’s been about five months (usually the week after my period, it tends to need to be loosened again; I don’t think this is ‘first time sex’ pain, that was pretty much gone after two months). The good news is even though it takes awhile, it gets less and less difficult and sex becomes more and more enjoyable as long as you continue to work with your husband to understand your unique sexuality, and continue fighting the urge to just write it off as too hard. Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel on trying to enjoy sex, I pick up those two books I recommended and am reminded just how awesome sex is, and how to enjoy the intimacy of it, not just the physical parts.
A key detail is that while my husband dozed off for a bit on our wedding night because we were completely fried, he woke up shortly after when he realized I was still in distress. He took me back to the bed and explained that it wasn’t the end of the world that we weren’t having sex that night… That we’d work up to it since it (in my case) was going to be more painful than we anticipated. We took time to explore eachother’s bodies, cuddle, and get some ‘practice’ in for real sex that was very romantic and fun. In short, we were able to enjoy exactly what you said… Emotional support and intimacy. The greatest wedding gift my husband could have given to me that night was the gift of time… having that time removed the burden that we ‘had to’ have sex on our wedding night or I was a failure as a new bride. He was loving, patient, and the next day (when I dorked out and accidentally took an extra birth control pill) he loved on me and took care of me through a rather unpleasant morning (my body thought it was pregnant and I, the self-proclaimed badass, bawled through the entire animated film “Up” due to my borked hormone levels… Don’t watch it the day after your wedding lol!). In the afternoon when I was back in working order, I had a burst of confidence and that’s when we took on the challenge and broke the hymen. I’ve never seen my husband look so triumphant in his life, we had a blast afterwards… We felt like champions and badasses having overcome the first major hurdle of our marriage. It was awesome.
I’ll be praying you have an awesome honeymoon : ).
Though be forewarned that birth control medication can inhibit your ability to produce enough of this natural lubrication. Be very generous with the synthetic lube if you are on birth control : ).
Thanks so much! =) Great advice. I am definitely going to talk to the OB/Gyn about this.
I feel like I should chime in with the “first time can be awesome!” comments. Hymens are strange things. They definitely are NOT an accurate indicator of virginity. Some women retain part or all of their hymen after they have sex for the first time while others lose theirs long before they lose their virginity. I’m serious.
I’m in the latter group. With no help from me, my hymen just naturally stretched and went away as I got older and my hips widened. It was completely gone by my mid-twenties. I had intercourse for the first time when I was 31 and loved every moment of it. No pain or discomfort whatsoever.
I remember being amused that he brought two big glasses of water to the bed stand beforehand, then being grateful later. I had no idea sex made you so thirsty!
Love your comment about the water! We did not know to bring the glasses to the bed ahead of time, though! Wow! The adrenaline and energy used and expended is amazing!
thank you
As long as you remember that not all women have a hymen or that it can be accidentally broken by simply using a tampon. The point I’m trying to make is don’t feel badly if you didn’t feel any hymen-breaking pain. Consider yourself lucky!
3 days to go, ladies. Then I’ll be able to share my wonderful experience with you!
My new husband I (sounds so good!) met at college. We were both virgins when we got married. When we got the hotel room I wasn’t really feeling nervous, more excited than anything. I wanted to surprise him so when he went to the washroom I quickly took all my clothes of and lay on the bed. I didn’t feel embarassed, well not much, and I didn’t try to hide anything from him. We had a long cuddle and explored each other very gentlly and then I got on top of him and just lowered myself onto him. I was lucky because when he entered me -very slowly and carefully – there wasn’t anything more than a few seconds of mild discomfort.
What did surprise me was how quickly I felt him come. I was a bit disappointed because I thought Iit would feel nice for me as well. We certainly did need the towel because there was a lot of mess. The next few days we tried different positions and I found that kneeling on the bed with him entering from behind was lovely. I was brave enough to ask him not to stop after he came and quite suddenly what had been nice became very nice and then became wonderful and then quite suddenly I had my first ever orgasm. I could not help making a lot of noise.
Thanks for sharing your “good experience”. I think too often women scare soon to be brides into thinking its the worst experience ever, instead of telling them to relax and enjoy it. I do realize some have rare medical problems,but not most. I too had no problems and rather enjoyed myself! We’re still having awesome sex 23 years later!
What makes making love so messy? I am still a virgin. I will be getting married next year.
The more aroused a wife is, the more her body will produce it’s natural lubrication. This can get messy. When a husband ejaculates, the ejaculate is messy. Some women have what’s known as female ejaculation where they will produce a liquid similar to the sensation of peeing (but it is not urine) and that can be messy too. Then add in that you may use oils for massage or artificial lubricants and there you have just some of the ways that sex can be messy. 🙂
I think my Mum or somebody should have told me about orgasms. I didn’t have any idea what they would feel like and when it happened for the first time I didn’t really know what was happening. My husband wondered what was going on when I suddenly cried out.
I also think that somebody might have told me that I sometimes want a second helping of sex straight away and that can be difficult for a man to manage. Sometimes, usually actually, the second time can be better than the first.
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. I just want to respond with my experience because I was a little surprised. It actually took my husband and I about 3 or 4 days before he was able to get in far enough to break my hymen because it was so painful for me. I knew it was going to be painful but it was worse than I expected. I don’t want to scare anybody but I do think that people should know that its ok if it takes a few days. I was very upset and stressed out by the situation because I felt like I was sort of withholding from him. He was amazing and very patient. It actually brought us closer and though. I wish I had read this blog before getting married. I made the mistake of not getting to know my body before getting married. It has made sex much more difficult and my husband and I are still working on it. I would encourage anybody who is getting married to get to know your own body and what makes you feel good so that you can tell your husband. Don’t expect an O right away and take it slow. I’m still learning to love sex. We have only been married a little over a month but it seems to get better every time we are together.
This was my experience also. After seven months of marriage sex is still often painful but getting better. God has blessed me with a wonderful man loves me dearly.
I am still a virgin my fiance isn’t, the truth is I think about my honeymoon night everyday. I am really afraid of pain and I don’t wanna be depriving
Him of sex, but I just feel like I’m gonna put up a terrible fight.
I’m just afraid!!!
You definitely want to be preparing yourself for your honeymoon. Most women will not have a lot of pain (although some do), but there are things that you can do now to make things go smoother then. This article has some great ideas. I also recommend the book Sheet Music by Kevin Leman – it has some information and advice for engaged couples and then a lot of information about intimacy for after you’re married. Be sure to be praying every day and asking God to help you be ready for great intimacy in your marriage, and to calm your fears. Also, talk with your fiance about this. Good communication is key to so many things in marriage, so now is a great time to start.
Ok i am listening and taking the advice. We talk about it all the time and he understands and know where i am coming from. He promises to be gentle and all of what i really want to hear, but you know i just dont think thats enough<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You’re just going to have to let it be enough. There’s no other alternative other than accept it and decide to work through or cancel the wedding or have a celibate marriage.
Make the decision that this is the START of your sex life, not the best night of your life. If you don’t fully consummate the relationship that first night, is that so bad?
He doesn’t want to hurt you any more than you want to be hurt. Just accept that this is a challenge and go for it. Take your time.
I got dialators from my OB/GYN. Not sure if they helped or not (I had no BEFORE to compare the AFTER to), but at a minimum, they made a world of difference to me at least mentally. I knew I had done all I could to prepare and went in with what I think were realistic expectations. My husband and I were of one mind. Things turned out great – they might not have – there are no guarantees. But we were prepared for anything.
jayme
I’m glad someone else had problems on their wedding night also. We were both virgins and the first night he never got all the way in and I think I cried in pain the whole time. We had talked about it and knew it might hurt, even with him being gentle. I barely knew anything about sex and was grateful when we got to the hotel and he told me he had bought lubricant to make it easier. The next night when we got to our home I asked him to get me really turned on and go all the way in, even if I cried, I just wanted it over with. I was glad we honeymooned locally because we ended up taking a trip to my Dr. to ask if something was wrong with me (we spent the travel money all on an amazing hotel). Turns out I tore a little and my husband still have a scar. Sex was also painful for him. The piece of skin on the tip of his penis (I forgot what it is called) was too short and he ended up having minor surgery a year after we married.
I hated how not being able to have sex made me feel and even worse because he wanted it and it was painful for both of us. After his surgery and about 2 years of marriage we were finally having to have sex without it hurting. I’m grateful now for that experience even though it was painful because we really did learn how to communicate.
Forgive me if I am misinterpreting what you are saying, but it sounds like you are taking a passive approach – “this is going to be bad, no matter what my fiancee says or does, it’s going to be bad.” If that is how you are feeling, come on, girl – you need to be proactive! Read some good Christian sex books, go see your doctor and get some advice, start learning about your own body and how it works, find out if dilators or stretching exercises might be useful, take some steps to make your honeymoon a positive experience! Most women do not experience bad pain with first intercourse, but almost everyone will be sore. But that’s no big deal. Your mindset should be that it’s going to be a wonderful experience with your new husband. You might encounter some problems, but you will work them out! Take charge of your attitude and take some positive steps!
You’re just going to have to let it be enough. There’s no other alternative other than accept it and decide to work through or cancel the wedding or have a celibate marriage. Make the decision that this is the START of your sex life, not the best night of your life. If you don’t fully consummate the relationship that first night, is that so bad? He doesn’t want to hurt you any more than you want to be hurt. Just accept that this is a challenge and go for it. Take your time. I got dialators from my OB/GYN. Not sure if they helped or not (I had no BEFORE to compare the AFTER to), but at a minimum, they made a world of difference to me at least mentally. I knew I had done all I could to prepare and went in with what I think were realistic expectations. My husband and I were of one mind. Things turned out great – they might not have – there are no guarantees. But we were prepared for anything.
jayme
I’m a virgin who is traumatised about my honeymoon night. Thinking about somethings I find my self shaking. My fiance and I taked about everything n he knows n understands how I feel. Another thing was his penis and not knowing the size n at the same time did not want to see.
I now have a question: if he takes pictures of the stages his penis erects and send them to me, to get use to seeing
It to be more comfortable, is that wrong?
Let me hear your views please
yeah, i would say that’s wrong. It’d be the same if you sent him naked pictures of yourself. okay – after marriage – go for it! (wisely of course), but before marriage, no.
Besides, I don’t think it will really help you anyway. pictures don’t really help. My then-fiance offered to measure, but I didn’t take him up on it.
Length doesn’t really matter – width might.
But i used dialators for several months from my OB/GYN because I had had painful pap smears. I don’t know if it helped or not, but I had no pain when I normally would have lots of pain in a ob/gyn exam.
Now, my fiance and I set expectations before hand and all we planned was a make out session (we saved kissing til our wedding day, so that was new for us!). But after an hour or that, I wanted to try to go all the way. And found it totally possible to do so.
So, for me:
Lots of making out.
Used dialators.
Used lots of lube!
Take it slow.
He asked when I was ready and I controlled the environment – which might not have helped me physically, sure helped me emotionally!
This isn’t something being done TO you, this is something you’re doing WITH your husband.
I agree – the pictures are not a good idea and probably would not be helpful. I also want to affirm what jayme said – sex is not something that your husband will be doing TO you, it is something that the two of you will be sharing and doing TOGETHER. If you have anything in your background, such as past sexual abuse, that is bringing on these fears, please get counseling now to help you address your fears before your marriage. If you don’t, please read the several posts above and start getting yourself ready for intimacy with your husband – see your doctor, find out if dilators or stretching exercises might be helpful, read one or two Christian books about sex in marriage, explore your own body to find out how it responds sexually, talk with your fiance, pray. In other words, take charge of getting ready to be a married woman and don’t dwell on fear. Marriage is great, sex is great – if there are any problems you will work through them!
Hi,my fiancé and I was wondering if we are talking abt sex too much, in some of the post we have read we were encouraged to do so, as I was afraid of intercourse on my wedding night. Now we spend a lot of time talking about how we spent our time making out and all. However, it seems like most time our conversations are consume with us talking about sex and how we enjoy bracing ourselves on each other and touching each Other weak spots..making out is not frequent as we both live in different countries at this point in time……….please give us your views and share some guidance. thank you!..
Our wedding night (well, wedding afternoon) was definitely memorable. I have to say that I experienced quite a bit of pain when first being penetrated. Although my hymen had already been broken somewhere along the line, I always had a lot of pain at GYN exams because I was so tight. So the first time did not feel good. The other thing I wish someone had told me was that it was going to take a while to get the hang of it! I don’t think I orgasmed until the 15th time we had sex (although, since we were having sex 4-5 times a day during our honeymoon, I guess it didn’t take too long…). I had expectations that it was all going to be amazing right away. Judging from the comments, it looks like it is for some people, but not all of us. What I’d tell my engaged sisters in Christ out there now is to go in with an open mind and a trusting heart; be okay with the idea that it may take a while for it to “feel amazing” and that it may hurt the first time (or two or three, depending on your body). But it was definitely an intense bonding experience.
p.s. after healing up from having our first baby, I found that sex had gotten much better because I had finally loosened up down there. Now my husband can thrust pretty hard and it feels good. Before, I was not into that AT ALL because it was too painful. I think he’s happy about it, too 🙂
I felt the same way. Knowing his dimensions ahead of time won’t really help, though…it may only freak you out more. Have tons of lube, get as warmed up as possible, be okay with it taking some time, and pray, too. Ask God to help you enjoy and be excited in a holy way for this experience that he designed.
Hi Queenie,
I have been married over fifteen years and was a virgin when I married. I too was very worried about “the first time”. I had a very sympathetic gynaecologist who was concerned I might be very “tight”. I used dilators for a couple of months before the wedding. I’m not saying my first time (or even first few times) were great, but it was a learning curve. It’s a wonderful journey discovering your sexuality with the man you love. I’ve always been comfortable with my body and that was a great help. Within a week or two, I was having multiple orgasms. Fifteen years later, though our sex life is tested by kids, jobs, etc, I still enjoy making love.
Don’t worry, you will be fine – just remember you have your whole marriage to learn.
lol!
I feel you there. And can I say – I’m happy for you that even without prior instruction from anyone, things turned out so good for you. You’re more blessed than you know.
Good for you! So you see,”.. all things DO work together for good to them that love God..” So true. Out of your pain came a deeper communication. Isn’t God good?
Congratulations CuriousVirgin on your upcoming wedding!
If you’re not familiar with what a penis looks like both flaccid and erect there are appropriate resources to use. I agree with the others that looking at pictures of his doesn’t seem right.
You may want to consider reviewing this website’s information about masturbation. Getting comfortable with yourself is crucial for a great sex life. And that knowledge will carry on in your marriage.
Traumatized is a pretty strong word. How are you preparing so that you are perhaps anxious and excited, but certainly not traumatized?
Greetings! I just want to say THANK YOU to the ladies of CN, especially for this article! I’d like to share with you how much you all helped me and my DH:
I found this blog about 2 months before my wedding (5 days ago now) and it really helped to have such stright-forward advice. My husband was not a virgin, but I was; we talked about wedding night issues ahead of time, and he helped me alot by being very understanding and open in our discussions.
On the Big Night, he took plenty of time to get me turned on, then I took a break to get into the specially chosen lingerie outfit I had brought–it helped me somehow to wear something satiny and different-feeling! I was really nervous, but there was only a little pain when he entered me for the first time, I think now that was because I was so tight, but it was nowhere near as bad as I had been afraid of! The next few times got easier and less painful, until now I feel really great with him in me! In fact, I wonder if marriage has allowed me to release those years of waiting–DH can get me going with the slightest touch!
Hmmmm…DH is sleeping already…I think it’s time to wake him up… 😉
I’m so embarrassed I could just burst into tears–but I’m in class so I can’t. I’m 26 years old and a virgin and I get married on July 22, 2011. I’m so excited I waited and God is so good…my future husband is my bestest friend in the whole world! He’s so gentle and caring…and although he’s had sexual experiences before, it hasn’t been many.
But I’ve been having dreams lately…sexually graphic dreams. Vomit is somehow involved in each and everyone of them!! And as I read the post above–I was excited until I got to the part about him entering me for the first time and I wanted to vomit. 😦 What’s wrong with me? He and I had a revelation a few weeks ago that I wasn’t excited about our honeymoon. He asked me why everytime he mentioned it I said something super negative. Like…”OMG, it’s going to hurt.” Or “Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be good for you.”
I’m so utterly humiliated and I have no idea what to do…I am not looking forward to him entering me. :,(
awww… i definately feel for you. being in the engagement period is stressful-plus there is that anticipation/wondering about the first time. i’m 27 and have been married about six months (i was 26 when we got married) and we were both virgins). to be honest, yes, the first time does hurt but the pain is over quickly. for me, the pain was receding before our first time was even over. and to be honest with you, my hubby was much more affected by my pain from the first time than i was. it took him awhile to not worry about hurting me and to believe me that i still thought the first time was incredibly special. your groom will be gentle i’m sure. talk to him now, before, and during the first time for what you need/want/think/feel. i would also suggest beginning with oral sex (for each of you). this helped us ease into the actual sex.
i assume the dreams are your nerves. sex is super fun (we’re stil figuring it all out but it really is fun to try new things)something that really helped calm me down/prepare for our first time was all the conversations we had during our engagement. i blushed ALOT but it helped so much to know each others’ expectations and perceptions.
anyway, i hope any of this helps and i hope you’ll feel better about things.
Oh, K.M.–I felt the same way before my wedding night (only 10 days ago now!) Just like preachersbride, we talked together and read this article together, plus we individually read the book “Sheet Music” then discussed. I highly recommend all of this for you too!
I also felt those butterflies so strongly as to feel ill sometimes–during my last few days of work before the wedding I had trouble concentrating and doing my job. He would make comments about how excited he was, and I would blush and change the subject. But on our wedding night he was so very gentle and patient; he worked to get me ready and waited for me to tell him I was. I’ll be honest, it hurt to have him in me at first–and I was sore the next day too–but for me the pain seemed to be because I was really tight, and it was nowhere near as bad as you hear from romance novels! (KY Jelly helped too) But the second time was easier, and each time after that. I finally let him try oral on me about our 4th time, and that was great!
Near the end of the honeymoon I bought him a present and told him thanks for being so understading–he was floored! Even after all our talks, he hadn’t grasped how nervous I had been! LOL!
K.M. I hope you will read more on this site, check out some of those recommended books, and TALK TO YOUR FIANCE more than once before the wedding. Then relax, trust God, and just enjoy learning more about your guy than anyone else will ever know! I’ll pray for you!
K.M. sweetie it doesn’t always hurt. My first time didn’t. Maybe because of a lot of manual stimulation and fingering before-hand but also I wen’t into it feeling ready. Please do get your fiance’ to read Sheet Music with you. It will help you talk about things that you seem to be only letting out fully when you are asleep. It will also help set the stage for a slow, and hopefully enjoyable first time for you.
You can work on your self to stretch out too. Maybe set aside some time every evening for that between now and your wedding. Start with one finger then two and if you can get three in comfortably before the wedding realize that unless he is bigger than average he probably isn’t much bigger than that and you can handle it.
Above all do your best to relax. Tensing up will increase the odds of it being painful. Try a warm bath first and LOTS of foreplay. Take it easy, take it slow and try to enjoy…If you aren’t opposed to alcohol, having a single drink before hand may help you to relax too.
Good LUCK! and God Bless
I should add that I am pretty sure that my hymen was ruptured when I was a little girl and I fell on the cross bar of my brothers bike…I had blood then, none after my first time so that may be another reason it didn’t hurt me.
I just want to reiterate some of the great advice you’ve received here. If you and your fiance haven’t read Sheet Music, you should definitely do so. It is a very helpful, very informative book for engaged couples, newlyweds, and those who have been married for a while. Read this entire Honeymoon Sex Guide article and other articles on this site. Get your body ready for intercourse. Start finding out what feels good to you and stretching your vagina a bit. Communicate with your fiance and pray together. And, very importantly, develop a positive attitude. Sex is not something that your husband is going to do to you, it’s something that the two of you are going to do together – and it will be fun and you will get better at it over time!
I had a similar situation. When I was 10 after playing in my grandmother’s hot tub, I got out and had blood in my panties. I freaked out and hid them, and of course, she found them and called my mother. So, I got the whole “talk” and my mom told me to expect this to happen every month. It never did! Until 2 whole years later!! Then, when I was married and had sex, there was no blood! The only thing I can make of it is that my hymen was broken, innocently and painlessly, in the hot tub! So weird! I was glad for the lack of blood but there was still some pain.
I can’t thank you enough for the advice. My fiance and I will get the book and I’ve been in deep prayer and reflexion about the situation. As he and I edge closer, we’re finding that its a lot easier to talk about it. And so far he is being terrific! 🙂 Although the enemy tries to tell me its a sign of weakness–hearing yoru stories that are similar to mind has been amazingly comforting. So thank you and…I will make sure to pay it forward after I have a great experience. Thanks again and God bless!
Queenie it is great that you spoke to him. I think talking about it is the hardest part. It is great that you have a man who will treat you so gently and understands your worries.
You got excellent advice from noelsel! As you know , for us women, our sexual desire largely comes from our brains. I would advise you to pray and pray and pray some more that you will hear the voice of the Lord directing you towards preparation and that you would ask him for a change of heart and mind in your outlook on sex. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PAINFUL But if you are tense and anxious you are pretty much guaranteeing that it will.
Your fiance has told you he will be gentle please try to trust him…pray for that too.
First times are awkward, not always pleasurable, and sometimes downright funny but preparing your heart and mind as well as your body before hand will be the most amazing gift your can give your husband.
To recap: If you expect it to hurt, it probably will. If you prepare that is not a guarantee that you will have and A+ sexual experience but it will leave you and your new husband with confidence to explore each other and the knowledge that you WILL GET BETTER AT IT. It may still be a bit uncomfortable but going into it with an open heart and mind will make it soooooo much better and set a great foundation for your marriage.
Think how happy your new H will be when he learns that you loved him so much you put aside your fears and came willingly into his arms and his bed. How sad If he thinks you feel like a lamb being led to slaughter. Pray on it daily. You have time.
We know it is hard but we want you to fully enjoy the gift that married sex is. We are praying for you too. BTW there is a force that feeds on our fears…it is the same force that works to destroy marriage. Don’t let it in! Best wishes!
hay, first of all thanks for all the wonderful advice:) i’m so glad to find a site with people who also believes that sex is ment to happen within a married situation. my problem is, and excuse if my wording sounds inappropriate, i dont want it to be ”horny” i want to feel love and passion on my wedding night, is that how it is? an i going to be Dissapointed if i expect it?
thanks =)
mia,
when i got married about six months ago. we had a couple hour drive before we got to our wedding night destination. there was alot of ‘horniess’ during the drive, but once we got there and i changed into my outfit, etc.. it got very loving and passionate. expect some of both, and you won’t be disappointed. congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Hi and welcome – you will find a lot of great resources here for your honeymoon and your marriage. If you and your fiance haven’t yet read the information for engaged couples in the book Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman, get the book and read it as soon as possible. It has a lot of great advice for helping couples prepare for intimacy in their marriages. I’m not sure what the word “horny” means to you, so I’m not sure how to answer your question. If it means feeling intense sexual desire for someone, then you want to feel that way toward your husband after marriage! As a matter of fact, you want to cultivate that feeling, because it doesn’t always come naturally for women. Please don’t think that you can’t/shouldn’t feel both love and desire for him, because you should. Remember that your honeymoon is just the beginning of your sex life – it will be the best sex you’ve had so far, but by no means will it be the best sex you will ever have. If the two of you work at it, your intimacy will get better and better over time.
KM,
I understand your worry.
I got married almost 3 years ago and almost ruined my wedding day worrying about my wedding night. I felt sick the whole day, didn’t sleep the night before, didn’t eat any of the gorgeous meal.
I actually found sex very painful at first but it was still amazing and I had had no need to be worried.
I’m sure your fiancé will understand completely that you’re scared and freaked out about penetration. Perhaps you could suggest that on the wedding night you don’t have penetrative sex and just get used to being naked with other and having a kiss and a cuddle. I’m sure once you’re into it the penetration will seem like a natural next step.
It’s very easy for me to say it 3 years on but you will be fine.
If the “horny” you are talking about that sort of barely controlled desire than horny is good. Love makes that kind of horny better and the two combine to create passion. That “I can’ t keep my hands off of you” rush is a positive thing. Hang on to it and cultivate it as much as possible.
Best of luck!
I know I’m way behind on this comment thread, but I know more women will be exploring our comments. Although I consider my first time “middle of the road” (neither painful nor very satisfying I had emotional/psychological issues my husband and I worked through from a sexual assault I experienced as a teenager. I didn’t always feel pain, but I would panic when he would put his weight on me. After a lot of talking, letting me experience everything at my own pace, and learning to laugh at our mishaps my subsequent sexual experiences and explorations with my husband have been fantastic. For us, great sex came after about 6 months and has only gotten better.
I know two women with vaginismus. In a lot of ways, physical blockage is like my emotional one. It affected their intimacy with their husbands for years. What they have both shared with me is that they wish they had not forced themselves to have sex during the honeymoon — instead they should have spent the time with their husbands exploring their bodies and lovingly talking about the tightness and pain. Both couples recently (and separately) completed a sexual intimacy program with a Christian counselor to tackle their vaginismus. It included steps like the wife inserting small vaginal dilators for short periods of time, later trusting the husband to insert the dilator, and finally the husband inserting himself and the two of them hanging out with no thrusting. The therapy also required them to re-establish intimate trust (such as being touched while blindfolded or blindfolding the other person before they touch you), adding “fun” into sex because expectation of pain (especially after years of painful sex) can lead to a woman’s body not responding well to physical contact, and praying together inside and outside of the bedroom. For both couples, the therapy worked GREAT. However, they could have had great sex throughout their marriages had they been honest with their husbands from the start and taken things slower (and seeking help earlier, if needed).
If you think you have vaginimus or some other problem that causes you to tighten up or feel pain or withdraw from sex when something in inserted, tackle that issue head on and early in your marriage. Although it’s an extra hardship toward building physical intimacy, the emotional intimacy you build with your husband is amazing — and having that strong emotional bond will make sex amazing when the physical part is all figured out.
“f you haven’t explored yourself very much take the time to connect with your sexual side. Do you know where your clitoris is? Do you know what it does? Do you know that you don’t need to have penis in vagina sex in order to achieve an orgasm so theoretically you can have an orgasm on your first night? Do you know that there are two kinds of orgasms that women can have?” i burst out crying when I read these questions, because my answer to all of them was “NO” 😥
I’m 27 , a virgin and I’m getting married in less than 4 months and I have no idea about any of this except that I feel funny down there and also that I have to keep fighting thoughts and fantasies of what sex would be like, so I can keep my thoughts pure.
I’m visiting a Gynecologist in a month (my first visit ever – nervous!) and was planning on speaking to her about all of this as well as birth control options etc. (no honeymoon babies for me thanks! lol!)
Anyway, as my tears dripped uncontrollably, I found myself praying and asking God to help me and telling Him that I trust Him to come through for me, to give me wisdom, to not be such a noob, but all in the right time. I’m going to come back and read the entire article closer to the wedding 🙂
Thank you so much for giving us single women/virgins a safe place to talk & learn about sex.
Hello, I don’t know if anyone will see this comment to help, but I’ll try. =) I’m getting married in 5 months, I’m not too scared but I am a little clueless because my family never talked about sex. Okay a few questions I haven’t found answers to yet:
#1 So…when I lie down flat on my back, my breasts realy flatten out. Is that normal? Is that a turn-off?
#2 Pubic hair…I trim mine but is that something I should remove…? If I try to shave it it’s like my underarm hair, my skin is light but it’s dark and you can still see the dark spots of hair. How about epilators, do they work, or cause ingrown hair?
Thanks for your help!!
1. My boobs also flatten a bit when I’m on my back. Completely normal.
2. I shave my pubic hair. It’s really up to you whether or not you want to remove it, but don’t feel forced to do so. Depilators such as Veet or Nair are NOT recommended for the pubic area.
The expression a friend of mine uses is “pancake out” lol! You can pretty much expect that to happen once you’re above 25; it goes with the terrain so to speak
I’ve heard it said that some men do find a well trimmed ‘bush’ sexy. Others prefer it completely bare. Downside to taking it all off is that until it grows out again, he might find it itchy. A way to prevent that would be to shave frequently (maybe every other day) or better still – waxing. That usually is uber-smooth and lasts longer. I’ve found that a good trim every now and then works just fine for us.
It really is up to your man (so you might want to just come out and ask him) and your comfort level of course. All the best.
Nothing to cry about honey. ((((tight hug)))). If you read around this site you’ll realize that a zillion people have found themselves in your shoes at some time and they almost always turned out fine.
All you need to know is on this site, so read, read, and read some more. Read all over (‘specially the topics to the upper right corner and the FAQs). Get him to read along with you if you can and then come back here and ask any questions you may have. No better place than this site for understanding and positive support. All the very best in your journey of discovery. It can only get better.
Nothing to cry about! You have plenty of time to start figuring things out, and then you and your husband will continue to figure things out through your entire marriage! Read a lot of the articles and discussions on this site, and look at the resources for engaged couples (“Sex Issues for the Engaged,” in the list at the top of the page). I strongly recommend that you get the book “Sheet Music” and read it. Your fiance should read at least parts of it before your wedding, and all of it after you are married. It is very, very helpful. Keep checking out this site so that you can develop the mindset that sex and intimacy within marriage are wonderful (because they are!). A lot of things in our culture send women different messages, ones that don’t encourage intimacy, taking care of your husband, etc.
It’s normal – I like “on top” or side positions when we’re kissing and making out because it makes my breasts look so lush and full! As others have said, the pubic hair thing is a matter of preference. I just keep it trimmed up with a razor and small scissors, but others like to wax.
Check out the resources for engaged women on this site, and keep coming back here for more information and to participate in the discussions. this board is a great resource.
It’s okay, hon. I was a noob as well before getting married. Having taken anatomy and physiology classes in college (during the time I was convinced my calling was to be a nurse), I knew about those organs in the nether area on a clinical level. I just didn’t know where to find some of them on ME, let alone how stimulating some of them can make me feel.
Praying your gynecologist appointment goes well. They’re very patient and can explain a LOT. And congrats in advance :).
I’ve found that I like the look of myself completely shaven, but its just too itchy (both for myself and my husband (during sex)). I actually use my hubby’s beard trimmer (with his permission, of course) to keep myself well trimmed.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! May you both be blessed richly.
My response is the same to Q1 – very normal (it’s gravity), not a turn-off (but my DH definitely likes it when I’m on top so they are easier for him to get to).
Q2 – I didn’t do anything about my pubic hair – of which I had a lot – for a while after we got married. But it was long and most times would get caught inbetween his penis and me, and would have an “ouch factor” for both of us. I found trimming difficult to remember to do often enough – again, amount of hair and swiftness of growth would have affected that. Shaving was REALLY itchy and scratched DH. So I eventually agreed to a brazilian wax… and love it! Five years and counting now, get it done every four weeks, sex feels great, and the hair is growing back slower and thinner every time! 🙂
So if you’re happy trimming, then try that for a while. If you’re interested in trying waxing, then give it a go (a decent go – it takes a couple of visits for your skin to get used to it; sometimes you can get ingrowns but they’re easy enough to deal with). I’d avoid the epilators – had a much worse reaction to them just on my legs (painful and rash ALL OVER) than I’ve ever had waxing!
Good luck deciding – most of all – have fun! 🙂
Hi,
My heart went out to you when I read your comment because it nearly describes me. I’m 26, a virgin, marrying a 37-year-old Christian man (in about 4 weeks, September 24th 2011) who has had a few previous sexual experiences when he was in his twenties. I didn’t date before I met this wonderful man, simply because I didn’t meet anyone I wanted to date, but I also didn’t feel any sex drive until about the last year. About all I knew about sex was what my mom told me when she told me about the “birds and the bees,” what I read in my sister’s college textbook, and what I’ve since talked to the gynecologist about.
My first experience last summer (the summer I first started dating my fiance) with getting a PAP smear was a nightmare–painful, embarrassing and the doctor who performed it was not professional or gentle. She thought it was strange that I was a virgin (though without telling me directly), warned me that I was “small and tight” and sex was going to be extremely painful, as painful as the PAP smear which nearly made me scream. She encouraged me to use a fake penis and massage to start getting accustomed to feeling what sex would be like and advised me that I could have my “first orgasm” this way. Needless to say…I was bawling when I came out of that office. Thankfully, my Godly mom was with me and assured me that I would be fine on my wedding night! My husband is going to be gentle with me and we’re going to love each other, and my body is going to respond and learn to have sex naturally.
Unfortunately though, I still had many doubts and fears and as I continued to date this guy (we didn’t have any physical relationship at that point) I started to “explore” myself. I don’t believe that was wrong, but I did start to masturbate and fell into a habit of it as a result of not trusting God with my sex life. I’m not saying masturbation is utterly sinful, but I know my motives were based on fear and not out of love, although I told myself I was doing this in order to please my future husband so that I would be more prepared to give myself to him on my wedding night.
Since then I’ve still lapsed into doubt and fear, but grown a lot also. I found out halfway through the year in our relationship that my fiance had had sex with a few girls when he was younger (this was a very hard discussion but even though it was a crisis for us and very painful, God brought us through and I forgave him and continue to forgive him)…he has kept himself pure for the last 15 years and is totally committed to me and, more importantly, to following God. He wants to learn to love me the way I need to be loved, and is gentle. Although he has sometimes wanted to “do more” (though we’re both committed to not having sex before we marry) he has always respected me and had self control. This is the most important thing…that we love each other with a godly love.
I told my fiance one night about my experience with the doctor and expressed my fears of not meeting up to his expectations, of being “small and tight” and of any previous experiences he’s had affecting his perception of me. I also told him about my masturbation. He reassured me that his past relationships are dead and gone; that he loves me; that we will not just be engaging in the physical but that sex is also emotional and spiritual.
I still lapse into fear sometimes, but as our wedding day draws nearer I keep giving these fears to God. Fear is the greatest enemy, and it is from the devil. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18). We will have another counseling session with our pastor this week, and part of the topic will be sex…so I expect to get a lot of my fears out in the open.
I think it’s really sad that girls like us have waited so long, deliberately kept ourselves pure in body, heart, and mind, and Satan is using all this against us! We can’t let him win the battle by succumbing to fear. In fact, the New Testament tells women to “not give into fear” when dealing with their husbands.
Although I’m still in this with you, still a virgin (only a few more weeks!) and still struggling with some issues, I want to advise you to just get comfortable with your own body and to realize that there are so many others like you. I am confident that our wedding nights will be very special, no matter how they turn out, and that if we and our husbands are seeking to please God, He will bless us even through the hard stuff and reward us for our faithfulness, love, and purity. God made us to be sexual beings, emotional beings, physical and spiritual beings. We’ve all fallen short of His glory, but He can use anything and turn it out for our good. I even believe my horrible experience with the doctor led me to learn things about myself (physically and spiritually) that God wanted me to learn.
These are the things I would recommend that have helped me enormously:
1. Talk to your mom, your sister, your best friend, or a godly Christian woman you trust about these things. I happen to be very close to my sister and Mom, and since my sister is also very small like me and we’re very similar in many ways, it was so helpful to talk to her about her wedding night and see that things turned out fine (they were both virgins and had wonderful awkward virgin sex!)
2. Talk to a gynecologist. Be honest about your beliefs, your lack of knowledge, and ask questions you wouldn’t ever have dared to ask before. It will set your mind to rest (just make sure the doctor you pick is sensitive and professional).
3. Talk to your fiance. Tell him about your fears, your sadness about any past mistakes by either or both of you, your anxiety over first-time sex, your desires and expecations (just don’t get too detailed when talking about what you want from sex, because, as my sister said, you may be tempted to start then and there!) Ask him his expectations, fears, and thoughts. If you’re uncomfortable doing this, talk with him while you’re in counseling with a pastor.
4. Stay in the word and close to God. Keep talking to Him and immediately give Him any fears or sadness you have. Don’t let Satan get between you two! God cares about us more than we can ever know—even our sexual desires and fears.
5. Find a good Christian book or website (Focus on the Family is a great source) and read a little–but I would advise not to read too much. As far as I’m concerned, it’s harder for me to stay pure in mind and body when I start reading about sex and if this is an area of trouble for you, just avoid sexual material all together. You don’t want to start any unhealthy habits.
6. Trust God Trust God Trust God!!!
Blessings in the name of Christ to you and your fiance,
SA
If you’ll be a virgin when you get married, you’re probably feeling some apprehension about what will happen on your wedding night. Here are tips and advice to help things go smoothly.
How to Communicate Before the Wedding Night
Pick a quiet moment to ask your soon-to-be-spouse “are you feeling nervous at all about our wedding night?” Odds are, he or she will be relieved to have the opportunity to talk about it. Talk about what your hopes and fears are. If your partner has sexual experience or you want to prevent pregnancy, talking about safer sex is essential. You may want to visit a counselor, or talk about sex during your pre-wedding counseling. If you are too nervous to bring up the subject of sex, consider leaving a magazine open, or even forwarding this article in an email.
How to Communicate During Sex
The most important sex tip for being a great lover is to learn how to communicate in bed. For nervous first timers, it might seem more natural to stay silent; dirty talk can be intimidating. Try saying, “That feels good” or just moaning a little when you like something. Be observant of your partner as well – if they’re quiet and still, you might want to try something different. You can ask, “Does that feel good?” or “Can I try…” Most importantly, speak up when something doesn’t feel good. Sex can and should give both of you pleasure.
Will She Bleed? Will it Be Painful?
When a woman loses her virginity, it is possible for it to be a little bloody or painful. However, it shouldn’t last for too long, and it is almost never very serious. To make things easier, make sure there’s plenty of foreplay before you try penetration. You’ll also want to have a good lubricant. I recommend a brand called “Slippery Stuff” because it is safe to use with latex, and it’s glycerin-free. (Glycerin can cause yeast infections.) Even if you use a lubricated condom, you’ll want to use extra lube. And, if you’re afraid of bleeding on the hotel sheets, bring a towel with you, or your own sheets.
Will He Be Able to Maintain an Erection? What Happens If He Can’t?
The pressure of the wedding night can be too much for many men. If things aren’t “working,” try to change up the mood. Spend some time kissing, and fondling each other. Perhaps make a game out of how many different body parts you can kiss, or be a little more serious by talking about the wedding, your love for each other, and milestones ahead of you. Most importantly remember that sex isn’t just about penetration. There are lots of ways to make each other feel good that don’t require an erection.
Will I Be Any Good? How Can I Wow My New Husband or Wife?
Sex, like most things, takes practice. You are likely to be a little clumsy and to feel a little goofy. Take things slowly, and try to listen to your partner. Find out what feels good, and what doesn’t. Don’t be afraid to ask! But don’t concentrate on how mind-blowing (or not!) the physical feelings are. Instead try to be gentle with one another, and focus on how amazing it is to finally be in each other’s arms as a married couple.
VIRGIN RECOMMENDATION:
I highly recommend “stretching” yourself before your wedding night to familiarize yourself with your body and help make penetration easier.
I was 20 when I got married, and both of us were virgins. I had struggled with clitoral masturbation prior to marriage, but had no idea what to expect with that whole VAGINA thing. I was pretty much set on making our wedding night one of the most memorable night of our lives so I committed to “training” before attempting to run the “marathon”.
2 weeks prior to THE NIGHT I started “stretching” my vagina. I would do it 2-3 times a day for 5 minutes while I was sitting on the toilet. I used olive oil to stimulate my clitoris until I felt like I was turned on, then I would insert my finger 1-2 inched into my vagina and pull backward towards my butt. It definitely hurt and did not feel good, but after a few days I was able to go a little further in with my finger and pull a little harder. I was really committed to either getting used to feeling a little pain or hopefully helping sex be pain-free.
RESULT:
Our first time did not HURT AT ALL! I was uncomfortable and it felt really weird having something else inside me, but GOD BLESSED US. My brand new amazing husband started off the night by kissing me “down there” and giving me oral sex. I hadn’t even undressed him and he surprised me by giving me an orgasm! WOW. After that we touched each other, cuddled, and then decided to move into sex after I was turned on again. He stared to enter me in missionary but I felt that sharp pain I had experienced while stretching myself, so I suggested another position. I am sure glad I did because I am pretty sure it would have ended a lot differently if I hadn’t spoken up.
PLEASE DON’T
Say everything is ok if it really really really hurts. In our 3 years of marriage there have been plenty of times where it HURTS, really really badly. I suffer from chronic yeast infections and this the first sign is painful sex. It is never worth it to keep going, because my husband can’t even enjoy it if I am wincing in pain.
Be fearful to the point that YOU are causing your wedding night to be stressful. The GOD OF THE UNIVERSE desires for you to live without fear. He created you and your husband to FIT. Fear not the unknown and untraveled roads of sex, you have your whole lives ahead of you.
I’m at peace to hear it ok to have oral sex. But I just wanna know is there any right or wrong concerning it when it comes on to God. My fiance and I have been talking about for a lil while now, the funny thing is that I was always against it. But now I wanna know what it feels like and I think I wanna do it to him as well. What do you thing
I don’t think there is any Biblical prohibition against it. Many people believe that it is discussed in Song of Songs, as an act of intimacy between the Lover and his Beloved. I think you can feel comfortable experimenting with oral sex after you and your fiance are married. Most women here probably believe that you and your husband can do almost anything together, as long as it is not prohibited in Scripture (for example, things that involve other people or fantasies about other people) and you are both comfortable with it.