It’s no secret that the contributors to this blog view sex as one of God’s most brilliant ideas. Since Satan can not create anything himself in his efforts to take as many people to hell with him as he can, his only option is to distort what God has already created. Pornography is one distortion that ensnares a lot of people, robbing them of the pleasure they were intended to enjoy in their sexual relationship with their spouse.
Veiled as a harmless act of watching something to aid in arousal, pornography is actually something that has destroyed more relationships than I care to think about for very long. So what is the problem? Why does it matter? How does it affect us? Does God care if we use pornography? I will interact with these questions and more in this series Pornography: The Spice that Destroys Sexual Taste Buds.
Doesn’t this definition from Merrium-Webster make pornography sound innocent?
“The depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement.”
What could be wrong with this? Sounds like a great way to make sex spicy, doesn’t it? The problem is that this definition doesn’t speak to the men who saw pornographic images at the age of 10 and have be ruin from it. Or to the women they married who battle trying to figure out what is wrong with them that they can not seem to please their husbands. Or to the women who have found themselves viewing pornography and wondered why they struggle with a “men’s issue.” Isn’t pornography just something that men deal with?
Pornography can come in many forms; pictures, videos, erotic literature and so on. It does not discriminate between men and women, sinner and saint, old and young. Anyone left unguarded is vulnerable to it’s grip. Pornography is dangerously addictive so it is important that we be fully aware of the potential it has to leave a wake of destruction in it’s path.
God and Pornography
The Lord God holds the answer to everything and he has given us a guide to show us the way to live. The word pornography does not need to be in the Bible for us to understand God’s view of it. Consider these words He has given us as they relate to pornography.
Matthew 7: 24-27 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.
Matthew 5:27-30 You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Matthew 6:22-23 The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
2 Samuel 11:2-3a One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her...
In the case of David, he allowed the lust of his eyes to become a snowball of destruction. The good news is that, as my favorite teacher Bill Johnson says, God can win with a pair of twos. He can take a situation where a king commits adultery and murder, and release His Plan despite that to make the king’s family line the one that eventually bares the Messiah. If you or your spouse have battled pornography, God can bring healing, but let there be no confusion of how He despises the way pornography has diminished His original plan.
Marriage and Pornography
Allowing pornography into your marriage, whether you view it individually or as a couple, is damaging on so many levels and I will touch on some of them here. My husband and I have both had minor struggles with pornography and we have been open with each other about our battles, but we have also been clear that it is such a slippery slop and thankfully we have avoided watching it together which we believe would be even more damaging.
When pornography is factored into the equation, the following issues contribute to establishing a block to intimacy.
~ A person who uses pornography to become aroused is taking an emotionally easy, non-relational path to arousal which not only numbs them to the less overt methods of their spouse, but also, because it requires nothing of them, it establishes a belief that they aren’t required to be a participant in arousing their spouse.
~ The spouse of a person who views pornography can not compete with the images being portrayed because they are based on fantasies. The one viewing pornography is building up a sexual situation in their mind which doesn’t actually exist. This type of fantasy is impossible to live up to. We are not talking about a fantasy where, for example, a husband would like to see his wife wear more lingerie. We are talking about a fantasy where the objectified person looks a certain way, acts a certain way, possesses certain characteristics. It is a total package that is impossible for a real human being to live up to, and they should never have to.
~ Not only can the spouse of a person using pornography not live up to the expectation of becoming a real life version of this fantasy, but they also find themselves questioning why they are not adequate as a lover. Why does their spouse need to go to pornography when he or she is available? Are they unattractive? Are they not good enough in bed? This reasonably leads to feelings of insecurity. Although they are not to blame for the problem, they often find themselves feeling like they are.
~ Another way that pornography blocks intimacy is that it contributes to feelings of jealousy. It’s not going to go over well to have a husband or wife know that their spouse is getting aroused by looking at other naked people, and rightly so. God planned for us to find fulfillment of our sexual desire in the eyes and arms of the person we are married to.
~ Finally, rather than love making being a time of enjoying one another and building intimacy, each one has images and/or questions running through their head. The one viewing pornography has those images attached to their sexual arousal and desire so it becomes part of their marriage bed. The one married to the one viewing pornography participates in sex and thinks “Is he thinking about those two girls doing it? Are my boobs big enough? Do I have to do what that other girl did?” “Does she wish I were more like that guy with such a large penis? What if I don’t satisfy her? Does she think I’m a bad lover?” These are not the things you want to have running through the minds of two people united in the most amazing act in all creation.
If you are battling pornography I suggest that first of all, you acknowledge it for what it is. No excuses. Come to the Lord and confess your sin and ask him to take it from you. If it is something you battle habitually, talk to your spouse and get some accountability. If your spouse is the one battling porn, pray. Pray a lot. God is the only one who can change someone’s heart. Also be clear about your expectations with your spouse. There is a fine line between nagging and being straight forward about how you want your spouse to behave. Find the line. You may still be accused of nagging, but you are fighting for what God intended for your marriage.
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Christian Nymphos 
It is so important for wives not to blame themselves for their husband’s porn use. Many times a man brings this addiction or the seeds of this addiction into the marriage with him. No wife should think herself less attractive because her man uses porn.
Think of it: What do Christie Brinkley, Sara Evans and Tea Leoni all have in common? All of them are / have been married to alleged porn addicts. If supermodels have this problem, its no wonder that normal people do as well.
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/09/22/husbands-who-watch-porn-part-4-wives-are-asking-whats-wrong-with-me/
Porn works like a time bomb destroying everything in your life. It’s like a wind-up toy that just gets more power to wreak havoc the longer you embrace it. Porn starts by taking the emotionally easy road, but it ends by depriving one’s self of any real relationship or meaning in life.
If someone is involved with fantasy too long they become desensitized to the world. It becomes easier to live in a fantasy world where we control the outcome than to engage life and interact with friends. The danger is much deeper than becoming disconnected with proper sexuality. Fantasy can destroy every relationship. Just like porn makes it almost impossible to view one’s sex life with realistic expectation prolonged fantasy can have the same effect on any area of life. After some time friends become virtual. Life becomes virtual. It all becomes a part of the fantasy that you shape and mold. Reality becomes a bad dream.
As someone lives more and more in the realm of fantasy they seek to put themselves in a world where they can manipulate and control everything and everyone for their own selfish benefit. Most porn addicts will never go to the point of complete detachment. However, they begin to engage in manipulation not only for their own sexual pleasure but in daily life manipulating friends, family and coworkers.
The danger is a full detachment from life. If sex is a sin against our own bodies porn is a sin against our soul. Once we have learned to detach from society to withdraw into our fantasy world it is difficult and painful to regroup and force ourselves to engage the real world in meaningful life. But engaging life is the only way to escape from the quasi-existence and emptiness of fantasy.
I’m taking from personal experience and years of watching friends slip away from reality. I’ve been battling the comeback to embrace the real world and make my life worth living. Often we fall into other forms of fantasy as well, gaming, movies, gambling… Even simple reading becomes a method to escape from reality back to the supposed safe haven of our fantasy lives. While each of these things have their place they cannot replace our real life contact with other human beings. The worst thing about fantasy life is that it leaves a blank legacy. All of the good that we could have done in the world is swallowed up by our imagination.
Beyond the simple Biblical view that porn is wrong I wanted to provide an answer to the question that is most often asked by addicts. Why is porn wrong? Because it destroys true intimacy in life and sets us on a course to be useless and unfulfilled in every area of our lives. I’d not wish this on anyone. It’s a battle to embrace the world with propriety. But the battle is worth winning. The joys of friends and family far overshadow the temporal pleasures of a make-believe world.
To anyone fighting the pornographic mindset I wish you grace and strength as you try to embrace the real world. To the rest of you I pray for wisdom and understanding as you try to help us recover from the traps we’ve laid for ourselves. The porn mindset can be overcome. But the battle is not merely in the bedroom. The battle is in embracing life at all.
My husband wants to watch porn together, and he wants me to watch porn by myself while i’m using a toy. He has no concept of what a dangerous and degrading thing he wants us to do. What should I do?!
Are you both Christians? Is this a new behavior for him or has he viewed porn for a while now? The most obvious thing for you to do is tell him no. You may not be able to totally control his actions but you sure can control yours. Refuse to watch it alone or with him, and explain to him your reasons for refusing to allow it in your marriage bed. Scroll down to the bottom of our FAQ Page and read together the articles about what is okay in marriage and specifically, pornography.
we are both Christians, but he doesn’t really want anything to do with God, Church, prayer etc right now. its been that way practically since we were married two years ago. in college he struggled with porn and knew it was wrong. i do not believe he is looking at it now, but his attitude toward it in general has changed to think its ok because we aren’t having sex with the person on the screen. Thank you for reaffirming my stance that it is not ok in any circumstance! I will keep saying no and at the same time trying to enhance our sex life in a Godly way. Thanks for your site!
is looking at kamu suche (sp)? books and dvds considered porn? i feel that it is not healthy for us to do.
He needs to be reminded that adultery is not simply a physical act. When we commit adultery in our hearts, we still sin and become adulterers. In the very least, a person covets when they watch porn. Jesus came to make explicit what the Law tried to prohibit. Following God is not about focusing on a loophole; it becomes trying to please Him generously since He generously forgave us. The religious leaders of Jesus’ day were all about finding loopholes and very often disregarded the Law for their own interpretation. Again, Jesus made explicit who a man is allowed to lust after (and vice versa)–only his wife.
Since the line is hard to determine for every individual it is best to simply avoid any sex information that ceases to be about your and your husband. Don’t let yourself be tempted to find sexual pleasure in other people’s sexuality.
I’d recommend taking a look at the book “Every Man’s Battle” by Steve Arterbourn + ? (two other authors.) I’ve read it a couple of times, and just gave it to my DH to read. I think the authors do a great job of spelling out sexual impurity, and how to overcome it.
I recommend that men read the new free e-book by Mark Driscoll about this topic, Porn Again Christian: http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/
If you are looking to address the issue of pornography in your church or small group, here’s a list of a ton of resources that you might find helpful: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/03/10/addressing-pornography-temptation-in-your-church/
I’ve been thinking a lot about why pornography is wrong and the ways it is damaging. One key topic that’s been hinted at is that porn is an industry that simply exploits human beings (regardless of their willingness, etc.)!
Christians (myself included) recognize objectifying someone as selfish lust. Objectifying a person is dehumanizing; you must ignore their soul and treat their body as an object that is yours to look upon.
I think recognizing that the people involved in making pornography are hurting themselves (not to mention depriving themselves from the incredible intimacy of a relationship with God AND a healthy marriage with a healthy sex life) should break our hearts. I am not saying that this is the place to delve into “how to witness to those in the sex industry.” I just wanted to remind everyone that pornography harms more than yourself or your spouse–it’s allowing/supporting fellow human beings to be dehumanized.
It seems like responding to explicit material (intentionally explicit or not) should shift quickly from lust to compassion and concern and prayer. Its hard to “enjoy” pornography once you’ve recognized the aweful situation that a human being–created in the image of God–has gotten into.
God bless this site! I’m thrilled I found it!
My husband finds it hard where to draw a line by what’s there to see in commercials, on the beach, people on the street, and watching porn. He says he doesn’t feel connected to people which turn him on, he only has that with me. He finds it a bit hypocrit to shut out porn when there’s so much more where you can get arroused by. And he says he cant help himself because a man is made that way (a man is easyer turned on with his eyes). He try’s to stay away from porn because I don’t want him to watch it, but still he sometimes does. What do you think about his reasons that a man is different in watching women then the other way round? (sorry for my bad english)
I think all of his reasons are very poor excuses and are not legitimate. If he is visually stimulated, that is what YOU, his wife, is for. You are to be the focus of his sexual pleasure. If he wants to be sexual, he needs to put in the effort to build an intimate relationship with you. Porn is the easy way out and it teaches him that sex comes easy. The truth is that every husband and wife need to make an effort to have a hot love life.
I have struggled with porn myself. It is easy to self-justify it as a “guy.” It is difficult to see the destruction that it slowly sows in your relationships and life. Every day life bombards men (how often do you see scantily clad men on ads, tv, movies, etc…) with sexual imagery, and it is SOOOOO easy to just take a quick peek at something “innocuous” (SI swimsuits or bodypaint), then this leads to something else…. slippery slope where getting a footing is VERY hard. Satan is strong and sly. I still fight the urges daily. I am rediscovering Christ and he has opened my eyes to the pain it causes my wife but also to the wonderfulness of her. This leads to my recommendation for you:
Your husband still watches in secret or misses it. Satan is trying to worm into your relationship – and can destroy it.
Tell your husband how hurtful porn is, and why you don’t believe in it.
Ask him to help you create your own “personal porn” together. You do NOT need to record it unless you both agree. Get visual with him – wear some lingerie, practice the sexy looks and eyes, and seduce him.
Trust me, hot flesh and blood is WAAAAY better than a TV or PC’s cold hard screen.
Explain to him how God wants you to share love making with each other only, and not with people on the screen.
Drop him sexy texts and messages while he is away.
Introduce him to this site.
Study the positions pages together, and select new ones to try.
This will take a whole lot of effort and communication from the both of you.
Don’t underestimate the power of prayer. Pray for strength for the both of you.
He will come to realize that the fantasy isn’t a cold image on TV but the wonderful wife who warms his bed and body. God will bless this relationship.
Pornography is a difficult addiction, but it can be broken.
Thank you for your answer. Yesterday we had a long talk about the issue. He said he wanted to change. He then told me he only watches porn when he is very tired and when I’m away. That doesn’t happen very often. He compares his addiction with me watching not very building tv-series, like desparate housewives. I think he can be right with that. I do that when I’m tired and just want to be entertained. He told me he was very happy that we had such a good confersation about it and he said it helped him a lot. He was really glad that I didn’t got mad and did try to understand him. He promissed me not to watch it anymore and to tell me if he does, so we can talk about it. We promissed eachother to talk more about our sex live with eachother. I feel happy that we came this far. We already have a good lovelive and we are putting both a lot of effort in it. So thanks for your answer, maybe I let you know how things are in a few weeks or so.
Sounds like a great conversation! Good work.
I hope you can have a frank conversation with your husband about why this makes you uncomfortable and why he should reconsider his views. In my relationship, I believe my husband has a better willpower about avoiding pornography than I do (side note–I think the dangers of porn are preached to christian men more than they are to women, as it’s seen as a male problem, but I find that I am tempted on occasion and have given into the temptation. It’s sad that it’s so easy to acquire it and to rationalize sometimes.I would caution women to avoid it just as much as I would caution men ). Regarding watching it together, I urge you to not give in to him on that. On one occasion, when my husband and I were on vacation, we were watching TV together late at night and flipped past a free adult channel and I expressed my curiosity. He was hesitant (obviously he was smarter than me that night) but I tempted him into it. We had sex while watching it, but once it was over we both agreed never to do it again because it was so obviously wrong. I have a lot of great memories of intimacy from that vacation, but that night is not one of them because the truth is we were not intimate. We were both there, but it was as though we were using each other to masturbate to the pornography. We were focused on the thrill of watching others rather than on each other. We moved past it and forgave each other immediately, and I can thankfully say we haven’t been tempted towards this again. I really hope you can honestly express your opposition to porn use to your husband so that he does not tempt you towards it. Good luck to you!
I also thought it was worth mentioning how seedy the pornographic industry is. Men like to say that because the persons on screen are enjoying themselves, porn can’t possibly be bad. But the slave trade is so widespread and it gets very little attention from the media. Girls perform with pimps or mob bosses off-camera, out of fear. The porn industry is more than the silicone-filled floozies living the cushy California lifestyle. Since there’s no way to really know if the individual was forced or willing, it’s best to avoid porn altogether. Watching an individual being victimized is a terrible sin and only makes such activities even more profitable for the scumbags who produce it, repeating the sin depicted in the video every time it is watched. Evils in the world are like the devil – it’s easy to pretend they’re exaggerated or not real but they’re there.
As a young person I think that pornography creates an artificial perception of what sex should be like rather than what comes naturally. Personally I think making all pornography illegal would create a terrible backlash but lawmakers should consider violent pornography. Rape is illegal but a pornographic video depicting forced relations is okay? Just my thoughts. 😛
Thanks for this blog, it helps put certain things into perspective.
My husband was deeply addicted to porn since a young age. Over the past two years he has been recovering. As far as I know he hasn’t looked at porn for at least a year now. However after our first night he has had almost no interest in sex. He never watches or seems interested in my body. When I try to be sexy for him he laughs. He gets frustrated when I ask questions to figure out his lack of interest. Is this what you mean by decimated sexual taste buds and ” the women they married who battle trying to figure out what is wrong with them that they can not seem to please their husbands” ?
Yes, that is part of it.
Has your husband talked to anyone about his addiction and has he prayed to cut off the effects of it on his soul? That would probably help.
There is a line between being sexual, and not being sexual. When we associate sexuality with sexual immoralty, then shutting down your sexuality in attempt to avoid immorality is a very possible result. Understanding the difference between sexuality and sexual immorality is a soul wrenching battle because of the messages we all have received in the process of growing up. Where the Bible is Clear on what sexual immorality is, Christians have blurred the lines between what is and is not sexually immoral. Out of guilt and the perceptions of what others may think, sexual shutdown… OR… a fullblown decent into immorality is a likely result. Sexual Shutdown… is a very depressing processs because it is in conflict with the sexual nature. He wants to be sexual, but out of guilt, he is self absorbed and afraid to share his desires because of potential conflict with the wife’s expectations. I believe defining sexual boundries may be in order… but in his case, Boundries may appear as restrictive… which is most likely a root cause of being withdrawn. Challenge him to be as creative as possible with boundries established between the two of you… do it often to allow exploration within the boundries… he may soon realize that the boundries are a lot bigger than they seem. Men don’t want to be penalized for being Men and we certainly don’t want to be penalized for being Christian. Realizing Sexual Freedom within Marriage has been the greatest challenge of Christian Marriages. It’s far more easier and acceptable to follow sports, play videogames, or watch TV… anything in attempt to keep thy mind off of sex with thy spouse.
https://christiannymphos.org/2008/05/01/q-what-do-i-do-about-my-husbands-porn-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-4173 is where my story begins on CN.
First off, let me tell you as someone with a successful recovery that this is totally his issue. It almost always results from something he doesn’t like about himself, which happened at a young age long before you entered the picture. With that said, he needs to deal with the root issue; porn addiction is just a symptom.
A few questions lilrenhen: when you said “after our first night” do you mean the first night ever, or your first night since he entered recovery? Also, how long have you been married and how long have you known about it? These matter because if it’s been since the first night you were married or since recovery, then the answer may be totally different.
Either way, he is in a marriage with a woman who has Godly rights to his body (1 Corinthians 7:1-7) and he deprives you of your rights when he refuses sex. I wouldn’t lead with that, but it’s true nonetheless. I recommend a Christian counselor who can talk with both of you and get to the bottom of things in his life along talking about this issue within your marriage.
He may be “white knuckleing” by denying all sex and stimulation, or he may feel that if he connects with you sexually then he’ll be tempted again. It’s tough to tell. Tell him how you feel when he won’t respond to your advances.
I want to encourage you; God can heal this wound in his life and your marriage if each of you allow Him too.
I’ll pray for you.
My eyes are welling up with tears as I read your post. It can be very dangerous even looking up things on-line under the auspices of “education” or to purchase toys to be used only within my marriage. Temptation is everywhere, but sexual sin has the capability to murder our heart and soul when we invite it in. Thank you for your honesty for many of us surely have been tempted, tripped and fallen. I thank the Lord for His protection and forgiveness…mercy and love.
“i feel that it is not healthy for us to do”
Sounds to me like you answered your own question! Follow your heart…especially if you have prayed about it. The Holy Spirit will lead and guide you. Trust only in HIM!
Thank you for this article! I am happy to see that you didn’t shirk from discussing this important issue. Did you know that the ancient greek word for evil is “pornea”, from which we get pornography?
Thank you. That’s a really good line to draw!
Btw, to the other poster it is Karma Sutra 🙂
Kama Sutra, actually.
We were guilty of watching porn together at least once a week, and I got tired of it for all the reasons listed in previous posts. Our sex life started to wane, so I got curious and checked the history on his laptop and phone, and it appears that he is watching porn at the office. Since it is a small company & he is usually alone after 5:00, he has time & place. I busted him for it almost a year ago and we went through the trust & honesty issues. But, it appears that he is just getting better at covering his tracks. It is frustrating because I have a high sex drive that I save for him, yet he would rather sit in his office and masturbate than come home & have sex with an always willing & adventurous partner. Of course the only way to confront him is to admit that I have been snooping through his digital files (again), which only improves his ability to cover his tracks.
My only hope seems to be prayer, and lots of it because I’m reaching a point of being so ticked off that I’m not going to let him touch me. He likes his porn so much? Fine. He can snuggle with it every night. His porn can make him world class French toast after a night of hot, wet action.
Please God help us.
Hello – I m new to this site- but am finding comfort from reading these comments.-
I have been married for 3 1/2 months- and our sex life has been shattered by my husbands pornogrpahy mindset.
He supposedly has not viewed porn for well over a year- however, after pushing me away quite often towards the end of the honeymoon and for the next six weeks, he admitted that he does not like my body. I have about 40 pounds to loose and have cellulite and he said it is because of my “weight problem” that he cannot come after me. We spoke to our pastor right after that- and things improved a little- but he rarely wiil even deep kiss me. Just quick short kisses. No passion at all.
And yes- he knew I was overweight when we married.
He withholds love in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. He said that he cannot come after me for sex because of it. There is now no Free-flowing love between us.
It is so heartbreaking- he keeps saying he is “working on it” and he does love me- but I do not feel any love coming from him!
He can be cruel at times and then says- I am only joking with you- at times i cannot stand to be around him But, I do love him and the kids (mine by marriage) so I just keep praying that he will let God change him- any one else experience this?
So the update is that he is home late from work again, and lo and behold, there is porn in his browser history. I didn’t confront him about it, because a.) I decided to seduce him instead to prove that I was better than his beloved images on a screen b.) Since he had just ‘gotten off’ he had to go for a long time before he could achieve orgasm again, so now his penis is sore. Ha ha. Serves him right. c.) I would be forced to admit that I’ve been looking through his digital files again. Plus I found an incoming phone call from his sister’s best friend who has created problems in our relationship before, and text messages from his ex’s best friend who has also created issues.
So then, in my anger & frustration, I feel the need to get even by shopping. I don’t work outside our so-called home :Victorias Secret: $110.20.
And, I’ve lost my appetite. I have struggled with an eating disorder before. His porn fetish is giving me body image issues. I’m not model quality anymore, but I am very pretty for 35. People stare at me. Long, curly blonde hair, blue eyes, large breasts. He is 13 years older than I, and his friends and co-workers tell him how very lucky he is to have me, yet I still don’t seem to be good enough. I accept his grey hair and wrinkles. Right now I’m so mad I could spit nails.
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s very hard to go through, for sure. I know what I am about to say is hard to believe when you are in the place you are in right now, but truly, his addiction to porn would exist whether you were his wife or not. It effects you so greatly and yet it really has nothing to do with you in terms of it’s cause. He is going to have to come to a place of seeing it’s destructive nature so let’s pray that God will convict him and show him what his addiction is doing to him and his marriage.
This site is such a blessing for its guidance and just to have a group of like-minded Christian women for advice. Where else could I even bring this stuff up?
He is a good man, there are very few chinks in his armor, but porn is definitely going to be a deep rooted issue of ours to work through. I posted a comment in the ‘difficulty achieving orgasm’ topic, and porn resurfaced as a reason why I’m having that problem. I typed a long gnarly rant about not faking orgasm any longer. Hopefully that will be a good jumping off point for dealing with this mess we have created. Not making me orgasm should get his attention. I hope.
Your husband’s sex addiction is 100% his problem, and you have a right to be mad about it! The bottom line is your husband has a SIN problem, and he’s the only one who can repent. You will never change him by being his Holy Spirit. It’s God’s job to convict.
With that side, seeking a good Christian counselor is an appropriate next step. Even if he refuses to go, seek healing for yourself. The counselor will help you realize your inward and outward beauty and give you tools help yourself stay healthy, even if he continues in his sin. Ideally, he’d realize during counseling how much his sin is harming you and hurting him too, although that will be tougher for him to see at first.
Ultimately he must decide between his loving wife and the computer screen. Make sure he knows he can’t have both.
Visit http://www.freedomeveryday.org and get the L.I.F.E. Guide for Spouses. My church uses this resource. There are several men’s book options from the website. Also, do _not_ order a book for him! Letting him take responsibility for ordering his own recovery resource is an important step for him.
I’m so sorry for your pain. God can truly heal your marriage. Don’t give up hope.
You are absolutely right. This is such a mess that it is going to take strength and conviction of faith to sort it out. The easy road would be to ignore our problem, go on pretending like nothing is wrong, and live our lives business as usual. Women seem to be extraordinary adept at this. But, I would rather be genuinely happy, even if it means a painful process to get there.
Dear sweet Susieo,
I cannot say I know exactly how you feel because I’ve never been through that. I can tell you that it sounds absolutely awful to go through. Know that you are beautiful the way God made you and that your husband is wring to demean you in this way. But please I beg you not to answer his sin with a sinful response. My advice? Pray for your husband. Love him genuinely and forgive him often. Pray for yourself also and you’ll be amazed at the grace God will give you to love someone who hurts you and doesn’t deserve it. Tell him how his words make you feel without getting accusatory. Continue to submit to, obey him, and love him no matter what and God will bless your obedience. Eventually your husband’s heart will melt. God will soften and change his heart. But until then be the wife any man would want to have. Be loving, thankful, joyful, and forgiving. After you’ve expressed yourself, let God change him. You’re good behavior will only speed this up. Don’t let Satan win by sinfully retaliating and becoming bitter and unhappy. May God bless you with grace only He can give. You’re in my prayers!
Praying for you tonight.
thank you I am trying- i am attending lots of womens prayer meetings and trying to keep it together! I must admit this is excruciating! I know this is “his” probllem and HIS
problem- but someday it will pass- i am trusting God for that- please keep me in your prayers- the last few days have been really bad and and I am so angry and hurt. It is painfully obvious that he wants nothing to do with me. Going to sign off and pray now- please keep praying for me. much love to you! God Bless!
thank you so much!!!!!!
I find this article (and the comments) a little disappointing – mainly because the issue of porn is always blamed on the men. It’s not something a woman would do or like. When I was 11 or 12, I found my dad’s stash of pornography. I showed my brother, who told me to never look at it again …. so of course I did! That was my first introduction to sex and sexuality. I learned how to become aroused and how to please myself from watching the video and flipping through the magazines. For years I felt tormented by it – I found it so physically pleasing, but once I was “done” I was disgusted, ashamed, and embarrassed. I wrestled with it for a long time. I have gone back and forth between viewing porn and not viewing it. Today, I am married and sometimes we watch porn together. The problem is that it’s really one of the only ways I can get aroused. I hate it and am struggling with it always. Sex is difficult for me, for reasons myself and my doctors cannot understand. It is often painful and not enjoyable. I worry that my experiences as a young child have affected how I handle sex. I prefer self stimulation (if I am ever even aroused… which is rare in itself) and often shy away from my poor husband. I feel awful about it on so many levels. I wish I could be aroused by him, I wish that I would have a sex drive and want to be with him. I know he loves me and respects me and wants to please me. I often ask to watch porn while we are being intimate just to get aroused! It is not an addiction by any means, it’s rare that I watch it or even want to watch it, but it is one of the only ways I can get aroused. I am sad for my husband and ashamed – does he think that I don’t find him attractive? Or that he isn’t enough for me? My whole sex life has been (imo) ruined because I learned about sex from pornography.
I guess my point it that I was disappointed that so many women automatically assume that porn is a male thing or problem – that we can’t like it, be aroused by it, or we only come to like it because of men. Porn can be just as damaging to a relationship on the wife’s end as it can be on the husband’s end. I hope that women like me read this and know that there are women out there who want to be wonderful wives and lovers but are plagued by pornography. It’s hard and makes people like me feel worse when so many women are like – it’s HIS problem, HE is the one with issues, HE is the one who is “sinful” or damaged or whatever! Women have the same problems. I just think we keep more quiet about it because it is more taboo for us to find it arousing than it is for men.
I’m not sure why you are disappointed in the article because CS went out of her way to say “spouse” over and over again instead of “husband.” She wrote this article for either spouse who was having issues with porn. She went out of her way to explain how this isn’t something that only affects men, but how both genders are tempted.
We cannot help that more women have commented about their husband’s porn problem than about their own. In my research, however, I have seen statistics that support the notion/belief that men struggle with a porn addiction much more than women do. (Again, that’s not to say that women do not struggle with this temptation at all!) We agree that porn is just as damaging to a relationship if it comes from the wife’s end.
I apologize – you are correct in that she used the term spouse. I guess my reaction was more to the comments than the article. I guess what I was looking for was more of a topic on a woman’s struggle with pornography. Because it is so ‘male associated’, women often get overlooked. Especially if one uses the term “addiction”. Having a true addiction to porn is completely different than something like in my case. Addiction is a strong word, with many negative connotations, and it saddens me that people might assume that wanting to use porn for arousal is equivalent to having an addiction. There needs to be education on the matter, as well as advice for people who, like me, learned about sex from porn, and as a result don’t KNOW how to really get to that place without something like it. (Think of it like you can’t memorize recipes, so after learning from the cookbook, you aren’t able to cook without referencing it because you can’t seem to learn to do it on your own…. if that’s even a good “example”) It’s very difficult to find something like that on the internet that isn’t directly linked to it being destructive and/or an addiction.
I guess I’m not sure where I am going with this anymore. Again, I apologize if I offended you, the author, or anyone else. I guess I wanted to make the point that porn comes into lives for different reasons – i never seeked it, it found me (and at a young age!). Perhaps someone could write an article on why people use porn in the marriage and how to move away from that, rather than just saying why it’s bad. I know why I shouldn’t use it – but the how just isn’t there yet!
Leann, one brave woman at our church confessed she had a sexual addiction and started a support group called “No Stones”. They use Marnie Ferree’s book entitled “No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction”. Currently eleven women attend regularly.
Sexual addition among men is three times that of women, which equates to 5% vs. 15% of the American population according to several studies. Women turn to pornography and other forms of sexual addition for different reasons than men, but it’s just as harmful. It saddens me your father’s “stash” polluted your mind and continues to affect your marriage today. Shame and guilt aren’t of God; the Holy Spirit’s conviction always seeks restoration. Thank you for confessing your sin and reaching out for help.
All I can say is that there’s hope for you and your husband. God’s plan for intimacy in your marriage is paramount. Don’t steal your husband’s gift by pleasuring yourself. God’s plan for sex is perfect!
I found out that my husband was lying to me for 4 years of his sometimes porn addiciton. I thought that he quit using porn and battled mental history images. Last night I was looking through the gallery on his iphone and found all these images, probably from the day before. I asked him about and he came clean and said he needs accountability. I am calm and trying to understand his issue, as I’ve battled with porn a couple times in the last couple years but nothing like his. After he fell asleep I went to the website he said he uses and noticed he was there 18 hours previous, which means he would have done it at work. (on a saturday) –I woke him up, and I told him that I wanted to watch it together -so we did. it was dirty and not fun and I sinned in tempting him to do it. I just wanted to do it with him and not have him do it alone. And a part of me wanted him to see how his sin has caused me to sin.
Yes we are both christians.
Wow. I’m not sure if you were hoping for advice, or just venting, but I hope you don’t mind if I give my two cents. 🙂 I have been in your position and know exactly what you are feeling. We went through it a number of times, with me finding out, confronting my husband, him trying to do better and everything being ok for a while, then starting all over again-before he finally got serious and gained victory over his addiction for good. It’s hard to say whether the best thing to do is show them compassion and love them through it, or put their stuff out on the front steps and give them an ultimatum! I have essentially done both more than once, and I know that the same thing will not work for everyone. My advice to you would be to try to get your husband to go to counseling. Both of you talk to your Pastor, help your husband find a Godly man who does NOT struggle with sexual sin, to whom he can be accountable. Accountability is definitely a big deal. There are several companies that offer filters/internet accountability both for computers and phones. (We use Covenant Eyes.) Pray and ask the Lord what you should do. Because the thing is until your husband decides he is DONE, you can block things and check up all you want, but he will still have a problem. And please, please do not watch pornography with your husband. You sinning will not help him to stop sinning. It would be like your husband being addicted to heroine and you buying it and injecting him with it! If you can get through this, you can come out on the other side of it and have a healthy, fulfilling, playful, fun sex life that is pleasing to God, but right now your husband has a problem that needs to be dealt with, and that needs to be priority #1. Read Every Man’s Battle and Every Heart Restored. Both those books really helped both my husband and I navigate through his pornography addiction. I will pray for you right now that God will make clear to you what is the next step you should take, and soften your husband’s heart both toward God and toward you, and show him how ugly his sin really is.
Leann, I can identify with you. I found my dad’s pornography stash when I was around 12, and became instantly enthralled by it. I would bring pages from it into my room, and masturbate. At some point he moved his hiding place, and I never saw porn after that until I got married. My husband had an extreme porn addiction, and would choose that and his hand over me constantly, and that led to me starting to get into pornography again myself, to satisfy my needs that weren’t being met. (Not that his sin excused my sin!) I always felt bad about it too, and one time even confessed it to my husband, and he said “Cool!” We never watched it together, which I’m glad for. I wouldn’t say I was addicted to it either, I think maybe it’s easier for men to become addicted than women? I eventually just decided I needed to stop, and did. Several years later my husband also did. But pornography is definitely not only a men’s issue, and even as disgusted as I am by pornography because of all the pain it has caused my marriage, I can not say that I am NEVER tempted to look at it. You may have to just step out in faith and give up pornography, while praying that God will restore your marriage bed to a healthy place. You may have to start from scratch, not expecting much in the beginning. 😦 Anyway, I don’t have tons of advice, but just wanted to speak up and let you know you are not alone, and you are not a freak because you are a woman who is tempted by pornography. Just look at it like even though your sex life might seem worse for a while (because you have to try it without this thing that helped you for so long) it will be so much better in the long run. And in the meanwhile do not stop seeking help from professionals, because there may well be a medical issue that needs to be addressed. Satan seeks to steal, kill and destroy, and pornography is an easy avenue for the enemy to rob your marriage of true intimacy and destroy it from the inside out. I will pray for you!
My husband and I have been married for 8 months now. I am 22 and he is 24. Coming into our marriage i already knew of the struggles my husband had had with pornography since he was 10 years old. I struggled with not being good enough to have sex with him because of his addiction to pornography. But i learned to overcome that because i know his addiction to pornography is not because im not good enough. I have tried to be more adventurasome with our sexual life such as lingeria, toys and foreplay. But i sitll cannot get passed my husband’s desire to want to masturbat to other woman, and also recently when i was trying to be encouraing of him opening up to me about is struggle with pornography he told me he would like to have a threesome. I tried to be okay with his desire and even had sex with him while he told me about the threesome he desires, but as he opened up, he told me about all the sexual desires he had with all of my best friends from college and would even have a few of them join in on our sex. he also said he thought it was totally fine with him because in his desire the girls having sex with us pleased me, and thats the only reason he liked it. I dont know what to do or how to feel. growing up my dad cheated on my mom, so my view on sex has always been screwed up. Its hard for me to open up to people in my church for help because we are the youth ministers and im scared of what people might think. Please help.
Brianna,
As a pastor’s wife I just want to urge you not to wait any longer to get help from your pastor or a counselor at the church. Your pastor is there to help and not judge. It is your marriage and life, not other peoples, so FIGHT FOR IT! Even if it seems scary at first healing and recovery will be worth it! I’m sure you already are, but pray, pray, pray. Ask God how you should pray for your husband. There cannot be true change and repentance outside of the Holy Spirit’s work. Pray for the Holy Spirit to DO THE WORK in your husband and your marriage. I will pray for you too – for courage and grace in this time. Good for you for addressing this early in the marriage!
Brianna – I am so sorry that you are having this struggle so early in your marriage. I agree that you and your husband need to get help to deal with this. Keeping things quiet and hidden does not work – I have seen in my own family that it destroys marriages. I feel the need to be blunt and say that your husband is sinning by bringing the idea of threesomes into your marriage. You are not required to follow his “leadership” in this, because it is not God’s will for your marriage. He really needs a wise, godly Christian man, someone who knows how to deal with pornography, to help him with this. And the two of you need some help with developing the kind of intimacy God wants you to have. Search for the Web site called “The Marriage Bed.” It is a great resource for Christian couples and has information on dealing with and overcoming pornography. Ask God to help you with this, seek wise counsel, be open and honest in communicating with your husband. I am praying for your.
Thank you both so much. I am so glad God led me here for guidance. I do not know you but i really appreciate both of your genuiness and care. You have trully shown me God’s love. Thank you.
Also Brianna, The first years can be hard, so as supergirl said “fight for it”. It is worth working through now. Oh so much easier now than down the road. But I just wanted to encourage you, that for us after a rough first year, things got much smoother and eight years later are quite blissful. I pray it goes well!
This is such a great site. With so much garbage on the internet its so good to find a place we can get wise counsel about our sexuality. Well done ladies.
thank you so much this is just what i needed to read and now i comforted a littew
I read through the majority of the posts here and it seems like I am different from almost all of them. My husband and I have been married for only six months now. I have struggled with wanting to watch porn or look at pictures for many many years now.. I have a whole lot of back story to it. But, I have always found “clever” ways to do so.. by looking up something on google that I knew would bring up nude pictures etc… My husband new about my struggles before we were married. I am only twenty and he is twenty three. We are extremely open with each other and very very happy. I am extremely attracted to him and love him with all my heart. I do not lust after any of the men or women in the pictures or movies.. I find it entertaining and it turns me on.. I do not want them and do not fantasize about anyone but my husband. He struggle very very little with porn a while back. We agreed to buy and watch some together a couple weeks ago. Neither of us lust or want the people in the videos or even really find them attractive. It is more or less just entertaining.. and we have super hot raw sex during it. We often find ourselves laughing at the videos and it is very fun and just spices things up. I do not see what is wrong with it. It creates no jealousy or lack of interest in each other or anything. I am just struggling with it because I know so many Christians that are very wise and good Christians that say it is wrong and I trust them.. but I do not see the problem when it is creating no problem and is with in the confines or a good and happy and loving marriage. We only watch it together and it is simply fun. No dependency or any other problem. No questions of inadequacy or insecurities.. Please Help. Thank you.
I sort of feel like this issue is one that Satan has glossed over beautifully. I know the whole porn industry treats their actresses abusively in many, many cases. Many of those actresses are turned to it in desperation to make quick money and eventually get hooked on drugs and abuse. There are articles linked from this website somewhere that talk about it. The destruction of whole lives doesn’t seem like good entertainment.
More than that… I think that that sort of porn (coming from one who completely understands your tendancy to get pulled into the visual stimulation) will eventually destroy the relationship. Even together, I don’t think it is ok. I desire my husband and want to have sex with him because he is really hot, and he is sweet and I get so turned on when he takes care of our family and is a great leader, etc. but I think that that raw wild sex you talk about comes from being turned on by the tv which to me is sad, no matter how good it feels.
I wonder if you were to sit and ask yourself if it is pure if you would honestly deeply be able to answer yes?
M.H., you say that you do not “lust” after the men or women in the pictures or videos, but that looking at them “turns me on.” As a married woman, the only person you should be “turned on” by when you look at them is your husband. The very definition of lust, it seems to me, is being “turned on” by someone who is not your spouse. And that, in short, is the problem with pornography for both men and women.
Tiggerattack and Lovehimlots make really good points.
Ask the Holy Spirit to tell you what he thinks about it. If there is sin, call it what it is and repent and move on. Sex with the Holy Spirit leading your life will be much better and more satisfying than sex involving pornography. 🙂 It’s about oneness with your husband!