How To Have a Sexual Awakening

Most of the contributors to this blog will tell you that a point came in their marriage when they suddenly had a revelation of God’s intention for them to have a richer sexual relationship with their husband. The result; a sexual awakening.

For the first several years of my marriage I had a minor interest in sex. It isn’t that I felt I was “putting up with it,” but I just didn’t have a great passion for it most of the time. Although the times my husband and I did have sex it was a pretty good time, we didn’t have sex very often and we had very poor communication about it. Then in the fall of 2006, quite all of a sudden and surprisingly, I had my sexual awakening. My husband didn’t know quite what to do with all of these sudden changes in me and honestly it took some time for us to adjust to it. My husband found the sudden change overwhelming at times. Remember we had poor communication about sex and that didn’t change just because I now wanted him every chance I could. So we have been working through that and trying to improve our communication in general, but also in relation to our intimacy.

“So how did it happen?” I can hear the wives and husbands asking. There were several situational circumstances that caused it, but at the core there were several things that were the key.

First, this revelation came from Jesus. In much the same way that I can not know the love of God unless He chooses to reveal it to me, I could only have had this revelation by His hand. So if you or your wife or husband need to experience a sexual awakening then pray, pray, pray. God promised that if we sought Him with all of our heart we would find him. Read books like Red Hot Monogamy, Intimate Issues and Sheet Music, and study the Song of Solomon in a variety of translations with much prayer. Ask God to show you His view of sex. Why did He create it? What more does He have for you in your marriage bed? Show Him that you are seeking Him with all of your heart.

Second, in this revelation that God had more to bless us with in our marriage bed, was also a revelation of how beautiful I was to my husband. I suddenly realized how much he desired me and I believed him when he told me how beautiful I was to him. I didn’t resent it if he wanted my body because I knew that my soul was part of the package. He wanted all of me. And it was a good thing.

And third, even before my heart believed it, I started behaving as the sexy wife I was starting to understand that I was. I became more responsive to my husband’s touch and started communicating that I wanted him. And soon, my heart started believing it so much so that my sexy heart and my sexy behavior were one and the same. They spurred one another on to deeper and deeper passion until I seriously thought I was going to explode. I remember the one night that I couldn’t sleep because of all my passionate thoughts towards my husband. That was the highest my drive ever was and I can thankfully say that I have never had a night like that again because I seriously need my sleep, but I love that I know that part of me still exists. So my drive may go up and down a bit, but I still continue behaving sexually. I keep thinking sexy thoughts of my husband. I realize that I really can choose how I will think and feel about sex in any given moment.

So if you need and want a sexual awakening, seek God for it and start acting sexy. Let your mind think sexy thoughts. If your husband or wife needs a sexual awakening, the most practical thing you can do the change it is to pray continually for God to change it. He is on your side. He wants your spouse to be free even more than you do. Ask Him to show you how to reach out to your beloved. Ask Him to make you who you need to be in order to be a blessing to your spouse. Do all that He leads you to do.

I bless your marriage bed!

26 Comments

  1. This is the perfect way to describe an awakening. Sheet Music and Power of a Praying Wife were the two books that were inspirational to me! The only thing I would add to the prayer….pray that you would become the spouse that God intended for your spouse. It’s a hard prayer, but when you see the blessing God has in store for you and your spouse, it is a very powerful prayer!!

  2. Start acting sexy. Let your mind think sexy thoughts. Pray for a sexual awakening… Incest makes all that–and more–hard. I don’t even know what acting sexy would look like or what sexy thoughts would be. Sex was secretive, wrong. My father didn’t want the whole package; he wanted a body.

    God has done a lot of healing, and my husband has stood by me for twenty-three years, but he’s very unhappy and frustrated. And it’s hard to have hope…

    Has anyone who has experienced a sexual awakening done so after living with incest, that gift that keeps on giving?

  3. notyetspicy~
    Please know that all of us feel that what’s happened to you is awful and we are truly sorry that you experienced what you did. Also know that we have some articles in the making that will deal with abuse and how it effects us, but dealing with something so seriouse may take a little more time, prayer, and thought than with some of our lighter articles.

    We will all be praying for you… that God will provide you with the peace and healing that you need.

  4. notyetspicy,

    I have not personally experienced abuse like that, but my mom has. She stuffed it away for years and years, so I was in my teens when I watched her deal with it. I know that it causes you to believe lies about God, about yourself, and about men.

    I would strongly encourage you to get some good counseling with a Christian counselor who is experienced in dealing with sexual abuse and can walk you through these steps. You need to know and believe the truth. One way my mom described it to me is that your whole life you are told the color red is called blue. Every time you see the color red, you think “blue”. All of a sudden you find out you have been lied to your whole life and it is actually “red”. Even though you know the truth, when you look at it, you still think “blue”. It is the same way with believing the truth about God and yourself. This has caused you to believe Satan’s lies and it will take a lot of work to retrain yourself to believe the truth.

    It is a battle worth fighting! I will be praying for you.

  5. Thank you for your input mackeytr.

    notyetspicy, I agree that seeking a Christian councilor with experience in this area would be prudent. I am glad that you are acknowledging Satan’s lies and are searching for the truth. You are in our prayers!!

  6. Your prayers are a real gift. Thank you… And know that thousands of dollars, years of counseling with Christian therapists, and attendance at many prayer meetings have been invested in this effort to get past the lies and the hurts. It’s a tough road, and God’s timing for deliverance and freedom is definitely not ours. So thanks for praying and for hoping for us.

  7. The book “Intimate Issues” is excellent for Christian wives seeking help for problems with sexual issues and inhibitions. My sexually awakening came two months ago. For years I prayed for my ho-hum sex life with my husband to get better…but I couldn’t see or accept that I was the one with the biggest issues, so nothing really changed. Then our closest friends divorced, and I started praying for God to show me ways I needed to change so that wouldn’t happen to us. I could almost see it in big flashing lights – “Your attitude towards sex ! ” That’s when I really started praying for change in myself….and it happened ! This website and the book I mentioned are answers to prayer…..Thank you God. I am so excited now about my future sex life with my husband !

  8. I experienced my sexual awakening 14 months ago, after 26 years of marriage…Still dealing with alot of guilt for neglecting my husband all those years and missing out on all the pleasures that we presently enjoy, now, that I am Awake!! Missed out on all those pleasures because of the lack of knowledge, not knowing that there is nothing impure in the marriage bed. The books that opened my eyes are titled…A Celebration of Sex by Dr.Douglas E.Rosenau & The Gift of Sex (A Christian Guide to Sexual Fulfillment) by Clifford And Joyce Penner. I picked out these books from my own library at home… sadly….they had been collecting dust on my shelf since the early to mid 90’s….obviously back then I was curious about sex in marriage but never read the whole book and I even remember reading it when my husband was at work and never even told him about the little bit that I did read…I believe that my awakening happened as a result of God answering my husband’s prayers… after my awakening he confessed to me that he even thought of divorce, but because he loves me, he couldn’t, so instead he prayed to the Lord throughout all those years that God would change our sex life and He did!!! 14 months ago God began to deal with my heart, I was very troubled about how disconnected I felt towards my husband especially we had just renewed our vows (25th Anniversary) There were momments that I felt I wanted him sexually but I was so bound, I was not at liberty to verbally express this to him , when I began to read these books God revealed His truth to me and the awakening began…I asked for my husband’s forgiveness and God even led me to write all of my new committments to my husband in regards to our marriage bed on paper and we each signed it…I give God all the credit for what He has done in our marriage…I am so in love with my hubby now…that everyday I thank the Lord for my awakening…

  9. This website is a blessing! My awakening just happened within the last month. It’s still very new and it’s been a long time coming!

    I felt guilty about not “letting him have sex.” Knowing what I should be doing and doing it are two very different things. I have a few health issues that make love making a challenge.

    At the age of 32, I had a vag hysterectomy that damaged some nerves. This damage has given me problems with urinary incontinence as well as difficulty to orgasm. This is has been a big hurdle in my desiring sex.

    within the last month, those problems have been less of a problem. Oh, the difficulties are still there, but I no longer allow them to stop us from enjoying each other.

    My husband isn’t sure about this. He is a farmer and works long days so he needs to get his sleep. Daytimes don’t work – both of us are working. So, usually, we play in the mornings. He has told me at times to “go to sleep.” I don’t know if this constitutes a refusal or not….and I really don’t want to go there at this time.

    We are having our first “date” without someone from the family along in about 18 years on Saturday night. We are driving 100 miles to go to supper and a concert. I’m really hoping my new lingerie comes before then…..

    I really do believe we’ve been blessed in this area after almost 35 years of marriage. It feels like we are newlyweds again!

    BTW – my husband is not very verbally communicative. We will see how Saturday turns out! 🙂

  10. Hey Mari,
    Rooting for you to have an awesome night…way cool.

    25 years of marriage and 7 wonderful children and we have had the most exciting past 2 years of our married life since I began to choose to enjoy his body and revel in our raucous sex life.
    Yes, there have been times when he is ‘out of gas’ but I have had to get over myself and learn how to adjust to his time frames as I can go and go and go…KWIM.
    An amazing and inspiring journey you are embarking upon and I wish you ALL the wonder that I have experienced and even more.

    Go for it, lady…all the way.

  11. update: Last night was our “date”. 2 hours to get to the concert; 4 1/2 hours of awesome sound; pit stop; 2 hour drive home = very late and very tired! The lingerie did come – but didn’t wear it – (another time). We got home, cleaned up and went to sleep. HOWEVER – 5am – feel good time!

    DH is beginning to believe. I have been slowly telling him about my “awakening.” I have apologized for the many years of deprivation. (yes, now it feels like it!) Talking is slow – too many years of silence to make up for, but it is coming.

    He did OS for the first time 2 nights ago…VERY interesting! 🙂 No fireworks, but that will come with communication.

    We are on our way!!!!

    oh yeah, today in church part of pastor’s prayer was thanksgiving for husband and wives who take care in pleasuring their partner! And I don’t believe in coincidence! Divine Blessing? hmmm?

  12. Hey Mari,
    I am so in awe of you not getting rattled about the whole ‘tired thing’ and for not getting to do what you had planned. Staying snuggley all night can help for a morning connection of the highest quality.
    Keep reading here.

    You wrote : I have apologized for the many years of deprivation….heads up, lady.

    Watch out for the devastatingly common whack in the head from the ‘what I have missed out on all these years’ tree branch which could knock the wind out of your sails.

    Begin to deal with your self now regarding what actually caused you to be asexual all those years. To pretend all is well will only deepen your confusion later as you become so addicted to sex with your man that you cannot handle the grief which ensues from what could have been.

    I know every fiber of carpet on my closet floor from dealing with the pain of lost years. Talk to your man and talk to women here. Much can be turned to huge good in your life if you stay honest and real.

    Seek wisdom, knowledge and forgiveness of yourself, by yourself. Sounds kooky but I can be backed by quite a few women on this site. Don’t go this one alone. You have buddies herein…Use them 😉

  13. Thank you, Smokey. You mean the chokey feeling in my throat is more than old guilt? I honestly had no idea this is how married sex is SUPPOSED to be. I just read Sheet Music…wow. I did give it to my DH. I’m hoping he will take the time to read it, so it doesn’t feel like I’m alone in this.

    And thank you for the support. I feel like this is a new relationship – and I’m not sure how it is supposed to play out. When I started this, I thought everything would take care of itself. More sex, better sex- GREAT! There is alot more to it than that. We’ve been married 35 years! And it is scarier than when we first got married. Is this a normal reaction?

    Oh, the desire is phenomenal. I could play with him all the time! That kind of scares me, too.

  14. The first 2 weeks of my sexual awakening my DH was extremely exhausted. He would fall asleep before the toddlers. The first week I kept my little secret from him but then had to tell him about my change. He gave me a lot of flack for refusing him all those years. I honestly don’t remember much about it. I was depressed during the beginning of our marriage because of career issues. Then we got pregnant (must have been having some sex!) and was always exhausted. My baby never slept so I was a walking zombie until he was 16 months old. Then I got pregnant again!

    Thankfully DH woke up during my 3rd week and became excited about my awakening. Honestly I was becoming very self conscious about it. I felt I was being annoying to DH, always wanting to hug and kiss on him. I told him I thought I was scaring him. At times I was scaring myself.

    Communication so important. These are some pretty odd feelings and they need to be talked about.

  15. Thank you! I needed to hear there is some validation for the feelings of fear, guilt, neediness. I know the forgiveness is there – I firmly believe that God has given me that. And that this intense urgency is not sinful. The fear is more about “what happened!” than what is going to happen. This was an out-of-the-blue thing. I do not recall ANYTHING leading up to it.

    Is it possible to just go forward from here and not look back to the many not-so-good years?

    My DH, bless his heart, has this sexy little grin on his face. I truly believe he is enjoying this now. Last week, I was concerned. Not so much now. And he’s reading “Sheet Music”. So, it’s not just me. it’s WE! Praise God for that!

  16. I was curious about your comment! How did you not feel guilty about all the years lost? Which I do frequently. I stuggle too now because he isn’t as interested as he used to be and I do get mad thinking what I lost. I do try to comfort myself when he is not in the mood with the fact that for years I rejected him. That does help some but I guess its just going to be constant prayer to help with feelings of rejection for me now that I have to work through. Thanks for your input!

  17. Since starting bioidentical hormone treatment about 2 months ago (I’m 48 years old) I’ve been having a sexual awakening after basically 22 years of “duty” sex. My husb. has a naturally low sex drive and is happy to keep things the way they’ve always been (i.e. missionary in the dark). He told me a couple of weeks ago “See, nothing wrong with that – that works for me!” to which I replied “Then we’re going to have to find something that works for me too” but he said “You take too long!”. Every time I try to get him into a conversation about our sex life he has “stomach pains”. So I’m hoping things will improve because with our children grown and with the rest of our lives to be just the two of us it’s going to be a pretty boring existence as is.

  18. Steph – I’m quite new at this awakening thing. Lots of lost years, true. BUT, we have repented and been forgiven by God for the sin of apathy, denial, etc. My DH hasn’t ever accused me of being a refuser. At this point, we are both enjoying this.

    Yes, we do have to talk this through (when time lends itself to it.), but I refuse to beat myself up any more for the past. We can’t change that…we CAN take charge and keep the changes we have made and enjoy it. He is even going so far as to read up on relationship issues. And learn what makes me tick! i love him for it!

    Yes, I fell guilty for the many years we lost…I refuse to lose any more! 🙂

    God be with you and your husband in this time in your life. May He bless you as I see he has blessed us. Have patience…prayer is a very strong tool in change. You have mine.

  19. Thanks girl! Nice to know your not alone!

  20. My awakening, which is quite recent and still developing, could only come after finally admitting to my DH years of resentment for all the “little things” in our marriage that i could never seem to get past. i thought i *had* forgiven him when we clashed, but lack of communication (although i truly thought we were *good* communicators) slowly and steadily eroded my respect for him. You can’t fully give yourself to someone you don’t respect 🙂 . i was confused about what i should just tolerate since we’re all imperfect, and what i issues i really needed to push reconciliation with because they dishonored God and me.

    i don’t know if book suggestions are permitted (feel free to delete this if i overstepped my bounds), but after a marriage conference by the two authors i found so much revelation in Gary Smalley’s and Ted Cunningham’s “The Language of Sex”. Through it DH realized he hadn’t been a safe person for me to open up to (he was always very defensive) and i realized through that book that my views of sex were skewed and God *likes* for his married children to enjoy each other passionately. The most important thing i learned from it finally was that problems with sex are rarely related to sex — they are usually indicators of problems elsewhere in the marriage. Instead of resenting me for being frigid, my husband learned that something very fixable was wrong and we could simply work it out and then hop into bed…together. This freedom provided a secure environment for me to learn how to enjoy God’s gift to his married children 🙂 .

  21. My awakening came about 3 weeks ago. FYI we have been married for almost 15 years. My DH did a middle of the night “wham bam thank you ma’am”, then fell asleep, and I just laid there…..”what about me?” That was it! I realized I’ve never really been fulfilled sexually. Oh, I’ve been satisfied, but not FULFILLED! I just felt like we’ve been doing the same old thing for so long, that it just became the norm.
    I finally shared this with my DH a few days ago and at first he took it kinda hard, like his manhood was being completely destroyed because he’s not good enough or something, but I explained to him, it’s a two way street and I did not do my part in speaking up when I should have. I really just wanted him to know we were in this together, and I wanted us both to have a more fulfilling sex life.
    I started reading articles through Christian sites and stumbled on this site which has been a complete blessing to me. I wish I would have come across it a long time ago! But I’ve been so encouraged by the articles and so excited to try new and different things.
    My DH is also excited to try new and different things too. So, we’re expanding our “toy” collection and already ordered some news things to try to spice things up. I think all this sex talk has actually gotten him more excited.
    I truly believe God is bringing us closer together and has given me a new perspective on the way I look at my DH and how much I desire him…I will most likely tire him out in the next few days because of how much I’m burning for him right now!! =)

  22. My sexual awakening started when I went off birth control pills. I really had not considered that they were affecting my interest in sex (which was fairly low), but within a few weeks of stopping them my interest was noticeably higher. I then began to cultivate it and try many of the kinds of things mentioned on this site (although I am definitely still learning and trying new things!) If I knew years ago what I know now, I would have gone off the pill and had a tubal ligation as soon as we knew we were not going to have any more children. I don’t know if this effect of the pill is true for every woman, but thought I would mention it as something worth considering.

  23. Thank you for writing this! It’s so encouraging and I’m excited to have a focus to my prayers for me and my husband now. Right now I just have a higher drive, but knowing that if God wills it we can both have a sexual awakening and experience fulfillment in that part of our marriage gives me such hope!

  24. I have only recently begun my awakening. I have been praying and struggling throughout our 16 years of marriage. I was molested as a child and so have always had wrong connotations attached to sex. This early experience led to masturbation and wrong fantasies. Eventually I basically killed off my sexual desires in an effort to free myself from sinning. This obviously led to problems when I married. I knew in my mind that now was the time to be sexual, but I could not overcome the walls I had built.
    Though I had always known that God wanted me to enjoy making love with and pleasing my husband sexually, I couldn’t seem to do it.
    Recently I was pondering all this and a question popped into my mind “If enjoying and pleasing my husband is pleasing to God, then is my not enjoying and pleasing my husband displeasing to Him?” Followed by, “Is my sex life pleasing to God?” The immediate answer was “no”, That did it. The realization that I was displeasing my God by not obeying his will in this area set me free. That night I was able to please my husband in ways I hadn’t been able to before. He looked at me and said “You’re awake!” We had both been reading this website and trying to help me through this, so I knew just what he meant. I decided to write this in case the revelation God gave me might help someone else in the same situation. Enjoying sex with your husband isn’t wrong, shameful, or sinful. NOT freely enjoying and engaging in making love with your husband THAT is displeasing in the eyes of God. He is pleased when we freely enjoy all that He gave us as a wedding gift. Don’t misconstrue what I am saying. God isn’t angry with you but He is displeased that you aren’t fulfilling His will for your marriage, and he loves you too much to leave you in this situation. Have hope He wants you free more than you want to be free!

  25. Wow that is so awesome for you guys how inspiring!!!! I haven’t been in your situation but I think it’s awesome that you shared it!!!

  26. I see that no one has responded to this in a while, but I feel the need to as I just recently found this site. My sexual awakening came last week, and WOW! I’ve only been married for five years, and I have no idea what happened to my drive after I got married. I was SO interested in sex before marriage but remained a virgin until my wedding night. Then a few months into the marriage, my libido went into hibernation. There were times (albeit these times were few and far between) when I wanted sex, but it was rarely fulfilling, so I’d just rather get the sleep I needed. This was causing an issue between me and DH, and I started to pray for God to increase my desire for my husband. I prayed this prayer for a few months, and last week, the Lord said “OK! Here ya go!”
    And so, I’ve been learning and enjoying and rocking DH’s world. I sure hope this is just the beginning of many, many years of yummy, yummy sex for us! Thanks so much for this site and taking me to school!


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