Dealing With Rejection

If you have tried initiating sex and been rejected then you know the discouragement that it can be. Over the years it has gone both ways in this house. Sometimes I was rejecting and sometimes my husband was. It is very hard to make yourself vulnerable enough to put yourself out there and then have your offer of intimacy refused. My heart goes out to the married men and women who live in such a circumstance constantly.

I want to offer you a few points to consider as you deal with rejection.

First, timing. When your husband is in the middle of working on something, most of the time that is a very poor time to initiate and that that’s OK. As much as we like the idea of being able to grab his attention at any moment and have him turn to butter on the Fourth of July, him not doing that is not a reflection on his love for or pleasure in us. Every now and then you will be able to sense that he is especially flirtatious and that is when you can choose to head to his office wearing a trench coat over lingerie 😉 . When you see that he is feeling amorous, pick that moment to do something that allows you to feel like you are stealing him away, like you are so desirable that he will drop what he is doing to be with you.

Also, communication is key in these situations as in all the other areas of your sexual relationship. Saying “No, not interested” is going to give off a very different vibe than “Oh, you look amazing and I really want you. Can you give me an hour to finish this up/can we take a reign check for tomorrow night and then we can spend some more quality time together.” You want to communicate that sex is important to you even if you don’t have the energy for it at the time. If you find that you are feeling rejected a lot, take the time to express how you feel to your spouse in an intentional discussion. Share how you feel, speaking everything in love.

If you are feeling rejected try to avoid making the mistake of thinking and/or vowing “I’ll never do that again.” This thinking is damaging not only because vows have great power to influence our lives, but also because there is no forgiveness in this. I know this is easier said than done, but it is important to learn to live with grace for one another. I wish I could say that I have arrived at a place were I have completely mastered this. I haven’t, but I have learned how valuable it is.

And finally, if your offer of sex is rejected try not to take it personally. The majority of the time whether you live with a habitual refuser or you have it happen only on occasion, it is much more about them than it is about you, though it certainly does effect you.

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  • January 2008
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