Dealing With Rejection

If you have tried initiating sex and been rejected then you know the discouragement that it can be. Over the years it has gone both ways in this house. Sometimes I was rejecting and sometimes my husband was. It is very hard to make yourself vulnerable enough to put yourself out there and then have your offer of intimacy refused. My heart goes out to the married men and women who live in such a circumstance constantly.

I want to offer you a few points to consider as you deal with rejection.

First, timing. When your husband is in the middle of working on something, most of the time that is a very poor time to initiate and that that’s OK. As much as we like the idea of being able to grab his attention at any moment and have him turn to butter on the Fourth of July, him not doing that is not a reflection on his love for or pleasure in us. Every now and then you will be able to sense that he is especially flirtatious and that is when you can choose to head to his office wearing a trench coat over lingerie 😉 . When you see that he is feeling amorous, pick that moment to do something that allows you to feel like you are stealing him away, like you are so desirable that he will drop what he is doing to be with you.

Also, communication is key in these situations as in all the other areas of your sexual relationship. Saying “No, not interested” is going to give off a very different vibe than “Oh, you look amazing and I really want you. Can you give me an hour to finish this up/can we take a reign check for tomorrow night and then we can spend some more quality time together.” You want to communicate that sex is important to you even if you don’t have the energy for it at the time. If you find that you are feeling rejected a lot, take the time to express how you feel to your spouse in an intentional discussion. Share how you feel, speaking everything in love.

If you are feeling rejected try to avoid making the mistake of thinking and/or vowing “I’ll never do that again.” This thinking is damaging not only because vows have great power to influence our lives, but also because there is no forgiveness in this. I know this is easier said than done, but it is important to learn to live with grace for one another. I wish I could say that I have arrived at a place were I have completely mastered this. I haven’t, but I have learned how valuable it is.

And finally, if your offer of sex is rejected try not to take it personally. The majority of the time whether you live with a habitual refuser or you have it happen only on occasion, it is much more about them than it is about you, though it certainly does effect you.

4 Comments

  1. Hi cinnamonsticks. So I have a problem. My husband and I have been married for five years, throughout which we have both had pretty great sex drives. Our sex hasn’t always been the most intimate, which I desperately desire, but no matter how I approach the subject, my husband always seems to avoid talking about it. However, this isn’t my biggest problem. I failed to mention before that we just had our fourth daughter two months ago. 🙂 Now, we have never had a problem in the past after we had a baby. In fact my husband is usually gagging for it by the time I hit that magical “six week mark.” But this time he’s very different towards me. You see, we have to wait to have physical “intercourse” (penetration) until we have figured out our birth control plan. So in the meantime I have been trying to give him sex in other ways, which he is usually thrilled to do. But this time he wants nothing to do with me at all. ????? I have tried many different ways of coming on to him,( to which he usually responds “you’re funny”), even giving him the opportunity to come on to me(he’s usually the dominant, but always loves if I initiate), I have tried lovingly talking with him about it, but for some reason he avoids talking about it by saying, “I don’t want you to get pregnant again”, which we both know is an excuse, because there’s so many other ways to have sex without penetration. (Keep in mind, we have always been very experimental with each other and both love and enjoy all kinds of sex together.)
    I am at the end of my physical and emotional rope, I am going crazy and am lost and confused. This is the man who used to walk in from work and want a blow job, or pull my breast out while we were driving down the high-way at night just for fun…. What do I do????

  2. Just for clarity, do you still not have a birth control method chosen? If not, pray about that and decide on something that will work for the two of you. That will probably help.

    Another suggestion I have is that you try to discuss this with him outside of the bedroom/intimate situations. So for example, I wouldn’t bring it up right after you have initiated and he has rejected you. Get your thoughts together (and write them out if that helps) and then tell him that you have some important things you want to share with him. Share your vision with him of where you want to go together. This isn’t you against him. You are a team and to move towards intimacy you need to position yourselves side by side rather than head to head.

  3. Erin,
    In my opinion, I don’t think it’s anything to do with you or a lack of desire. I really believe he is afraid of you gettinh pregnant again. While I think 4 children are great (we have 9) it is a big family. Men have this built in desire to be the provider and protector of there families. He just might be feeling overwhelmed thinking how he can take care of his family in this day. I think it’s on men’s minds more than women.
    Maybe if you approached the subject letting him know what a great job he’s doing as dad he would be more open. My DH mentioned this responsibily more than once over the years.I had to gently remind him that God was providing, and he was just the vessel God was using.
    Oh, I agree figure out your B/C because if your like us all sex leads to PIV most of the time.
    Just my thoughts….good luck getting things back on track 🙂

  4. “I don’t want you to get pregnant again”

    seems like a pretty good reason actually.

    now … you say you can do other things and have sex in other ways …

    soooooooo … if he says, “I don’t want you to get pregnant again” … you might follow up with exactly what you wrote here … “we could do XYZ”

    just to see what he says. although you know you are fine with XYZ, he may think you XYZ always leads eventually to BABY


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