Pregnancy: To Be or Not To Be

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I loved being pregnant. Nothing compares to feeling the baby’s first kick, watching your belly swell, hearing the heartbeat on the monitor, or seeing him/her on the ultrasound. Some people don’t care to have their belly rubbed but I was all for it. “You want to rub my belly? Here you go.” My brother’s wife had a very difficult pregnancy. She lost a bunch of weight, couldn’t keep any food or liquid down and she ended up being hospitalized. She didn’t see how it would be possible to have another baby even though my brother always wanted a slew of kids. It wasn’t guaranteed that she would become sick like that again but what if she did? Her son needed her. She couldn’t care for him if she were to have a similar pregnancy. This is when I had my brainstorm. I loved being pregnant, I’ll be her surrogate!!!!

My husband was not 100% for this plan. He would have to deal with my hormone fall out after the birth of the baby. When people would see his wife pregnant he would need to explain that I was carrying my brother’s baby. Would I be able to let go of the baby after giving birth to it? I tried to ease his mind by addressing his concerns. “But we won’t have a crying baby in our house in the middle of the night so I would be getting my sleep. It wasn’t hormones it was just lack of sleep.” “It’s not like I had sex with my brother! I would just be a house for the baby.” “ Of course I can give it up. It’s not like it’s really ‘my’ baby and I’m not a huge baby person anyway.” As my sister in law and brother were discussing the possibilities I started having irregular bleeding. I went for a bunch of tests and they all came back fine. Obviously this threw a wrench into our possible plans. I couldn’t possible be a surrogate with a wacky cycle happening.

Last week I attended a funeral service for a family member. As everyone paid their respects I looked behind me a spotted and 4 week old baby girl. The baby’s aunt was holding her and the baby started squirming. The aunt, who is just a teen and looking a bit unsure as to what to do, asked my mother if she wanted to hold the baby. My Mom said that she had to talk to some people first but would after that. Then it happened. This aunt made eye contact with me. “Hey Peppermint Girl, want to hold the baby?” I said OK and said a little prayer that the baby would not start screaming while in my arms. This place was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. I took the little bundle in my arms; she looked at me with her gorgeous eyes, grabbed my coat with her tiny figures snuggled into my neck and fell asleep. Now that the baby wasn’t fussing anymore the aunt asked to take her back. Reluctantly I handed her over. That night while laying in bed my husband asked me what I was thinking about. I told him that I was thinking about the baby. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I held her for 15 minutes tops and I still felt empty handing her back. Maybe I was more of a baby person then I thought.

Back when my cycles were irregular we made a decision that me being a surrogate was out of the question. The cycle following that conversation and every one after were fine. No irregular bleeding. I honestly think that God was giving me a message during my irregular time and I didn’t realize it until last week. I don’t think I could have given birth and given the baby away without feeling a tiny bit empty. God has a plan and I guess this wasn’t part of it. Hmmmm, Maybe His plan is for us to have one more of our own!!! Now I need to convince hubby to get a vasectiomy reversal. Do they even make cars that seat 6 kids?

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11 Comments

  1. Peppermintgirl, this was a great read for me and it brought back memories. My own sister had endimetriosis, and in the back of my mind, I had considered volunteering myself as a surrogate if she ever had trouble TTC. But I love babies, too, and would probably have a hard time giving it away when I carried it. Thanks for the food for thought. You are not alone, sister. Blessings!

  2. I realize this is an old article, but if I read right, do you have 5 children, then, PeppermintGirl? I was just browsing around and I haven’t read this article before, but it was kinda timely because dh and I have been discussing lately whether we are done having babies or not. We have four, all two years apart. After the last one, I was pretty sure I wanted to be done, but we didn’t do anything permanent, just in case. The youngest is now 2 1/2. Every once in a while I get all sentimental thinking I might have been pregnant for the last time, had my last baby…and dh would jump all over the prospect of having another one if I was on board. We are probably switching from an iud to cyclebeads for birth control, because of concerns about the iud preventing a fertilized egg from implanting, and I feel good about making that change, but on the other hand I’m really scared that I’m gonna get pregnant! Our plan is to use condoms during the fertile time, but I already know going into this that dh is not thrilled at all with condoms. (Although obviously he would rather that than abstinance!) Anyway…I’m just pretty much venting! I just have to make sure I stay open with hubby about how I feel, I don’t think he would push me into more babies if I didn’t want to. I’m just afraid of “Oh come on, just this once, let’s not use a condom….” and then we get an “oopsy” baby. 🙂 Like I said…just venting.

  3. There are vehicles that seat six kids! – a suburban! or a twelve passenger van. Squeezing 6 kids in a suburban is not comfortable- I would know! 🙂
    I have 7 siblings (one born after I was married and after my older bro moved out)
    so they have 6 at home, a 16 y.o. a ten y.o. (after he was born mom had infertility problems) then a 5.5 y.o 4 y.o. 2 y.o. and a 5 month old.
    I think they’re done now b/c the doc said no more c-sections BEFORE 5 month old was born.
    My parents are tired often but wouldn’t trade any kid for the world – they consider them a blessing from the Lord (and a BIG responsibility – did I mention they homeschool)

    I know they tried for me, my younger bro, and my 4th bro/5th kid… The first might have been considered an ‘oops’ (conceived before they were even engaged) and my 3rd bro was at first considered an inconvenience (my mom was becoming a successful salesperson) but later was viewed, wth all the rest of us, as a blessing. The next baby was hard to have, and three since him were all just added blessings.

    But of course most of our extended family think my parents are insane.

    I, however, loved growing up as one of a bunch. And I got lots of mommy practice.
    Some ppl worry that older siblings lose their childhoods b/c they have to help. I got plenty of childhood AND a headstart on realizing that focusing on myself when there are kids to take care of is selfish and ungodly. Not that I’m not still a selfish person (who isn’t?) but at least I’ve had some practice 🙂

    after we got married, I missed having little kids around. Now I’m pregnant – and don’t especially enjoy being pregnant 😦 – but I’m so thrilled that my hubby and I will have a child to raise, and we hope for several more. Someday, I’d like to adopt, too.
    Anyways, my hubby was a great big bro and I can’t wait to see him be a daddy to a bunch 🙂

    Not that I’m trying to talk anyone into wanting a big family, but that’s my 2 cents for anyone who wonders what effect a ‘big’ family has on the older siblings (I was second born).
    But to be honest, if you ask my older bro, who doesn’t like taking care of younger siblings as much, you might hear a different story… Not that he’s a bad big brother, but he’d simply rather fix your car than hold your baby 😀

  4. When our 7 kids weren’t driving yet, we had an 11 seat suburban with an added kiddy seat fitted onto the back of the rear seat. We had some of the most wonderful family jaunts.

    Were the last 24 years of parenting worth it ?
    Our 3 eldest children are international, competitive pianists which requires extreme self discipline and amazingly,they motivated themselves. Our 4th is a tennis tour de force thus my title now includes ‘tennis mom’. Our 3 youngest are girlies and potentially, “Legally Blonde” has nothing on these ladies.

    Regarding home educating, I simply have to remain one step ahead of my kids all the time!

    We followed fertility awareness methods until last year when we decided to add condoms as neither of us feel to have another child. Concerns about being middle aged and to be honest, I am having such outrageous sex with my husband, I have made him my new “baby”.

    We have our own real life “magnificent seven” ..

  5. Wow it’s encouraging to hear from those of you who have lots of kids, or were raised in a large family. One of my biggest concerns, aside from my sanity….is that I will have a hard time giving one on one attention to my kids. Right now my third born little girl, who is 4, often gets left out of things, and overlooked, although now that we realize it was happening we are much quicker to see it and fix it. I am already impatient with the children I have (Not that I’m resigned to staying that way, I HATE being so impatient and quick to get stressed.) Smokeypuss, when you were having your babies, were you patient? Did you feel you were a good mom? I don’t feel I’m a bad mother, I am just very impatient, like I said. All the chaos and noise and disorder gets to me. I worry if I had more children it would be bad for me AND them. Of course I would have said that when talking about having my 2nd or 3rd or 4th baby before they came, too. And we do have a 12 passenger van already, so we have the room….We also homeschool, so I worry about my ability to teach them, the more of them there are. Just venting some more! My mind is all jumbled because I was sure we were done, but just talking about it with my husband and even considering the possibility is scaring me, as if by thinking it it could happen. 🙂

  6. Well, my turn. We have nine children all of them same mom same dad and wanted, (but not always planned). We have never used any form of BC and still don’t. We’ve always told the Lord we would have as many as he wants to give us as long as he provides for them! That he does. :). They all attend christian school, three have graduated and are in college which we try to help with. Six are still in school full time, so I went back to work part time. God always provides, even more than just our needs. We take the kids on a big family vacation at least once a year. (Right now were on the east coast, Virginia, DC, Phille..) We’ve taken the kids on several (7) missions trips to Mexico. My children want for nothing. God can do that.:)
    Yes, we have the ultra big vehicle…15 pass van. No 2 seater sports car for us, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything!
    It’s always between you, your spouse, and I believe God, how many children you have, but I’ve never heard older people say they regret having x# of children, however I have heard them say they regret no having more.
    Hmmm funny thing all of us nymphos have more than the average 1.5 children..Hmm? 🙂

  7. “but pa, I never seen a half a boy”
    “it’s a ratio.”
    “poor horatio”
    – Andy griffith

    cool to know there’s other homeschooling moms on here (well, I’m not a homeschooling mom yet, I guess, but Lord willing I will be…)

    SP – you homeschool AND your kids are involved in all those things?
    Wow… you must be one busy hot mama 🙂
    That’s encouraging though. I want to have a lot of kids but I do get concerned that in order have them all pursue what really interests them, I’d have to go insane with busy-ness 🙂
    Maybe I don’t need to tell my husband, just yet anyways, that the boys aren’t gonna play baseball 🙂
    when it comes to multiples and patience…. I don’t know if it necessarily had to do with having more kids, or just maturing herself, but my mom developed a lot more patience with each child she had. Sure, she still had breakdowns and times where she was very impatient, but she had those when there was just my older bro and I (one year and one week apart).
    I think having more kids made her want to be even more careful b/c there were even more ‘little eyes watching’.

  8. Hi sweet ladies,

    I am an intense person, I love with a full heart, I involve myself with my family entirely, outsiders are always second in my life, and I basically scare the tripe out of most women my age! Am I a humble servant by nature, uuuhhh, nope 😉 but I love people and help them as they come across my path, without hesitation.

    “How does she do it”, is an oft-heard stumbling block for me but I have learnt the hard way that there is only one person who is to be placed above us all….Jesus Christ and to Him I daily bow in my efforts to love and nurture my own.

    It is not trite to say that we can truly do all things through Christ who gives us strength. The secret is making sure that we prioritize our lives to actually do the right things by those who we are responsible for. I shall bow out and leave my beloved computer site with a silly grin as I have to sort out a Texas sized kerfuffle between my two littlies….cya.

  9. Yes, I do have five children. We have come to the conclusion that 5 is the perfect number for us,for now. My heart goes out to you, mcddd. I would recommend discussing the condom use with your husband ahead of time (like now) just to make sure you are both on the same page and that you both respect each others wishes. When we are in the heat of the moment we are more apt to let our guard down and be a bit less cautious. Pray together about it.

    FTR, Others may disagree but I don’t know if that ‘sentimental pang’ ever goes away. Does it mean you are ready to have another baby? or are you just longing for the babies that you already have to not grow up so fast? I don’t know the answer but those are some questions I am constantly pondering.

    Don’t worry about commenting on older posts. We get new readers daily and I am sure they appreciate having article bumped. Plus, look at the fabulous discussion you have started.

    Blessing!!!!

    Peppermint Girl

  10. Thanks Peppermintgirl! Yeah, I know what you mean about that baby pang, wondering exactly what it means. I always loved being pregnant and having babies, even giving birth, (for the most part, lol), and so I do think I will always kinda have that longing, at least a little. And I tell myself every time “You can’t just keep having babies for the rest of your life!” It is definitely gonna be something we will pray about. Hubby and I have been pretty much in constant discussion about the cyclebeads/condoms thing since actually HE brought the whole thing up! We were at some friends’ house talking about birth control, and I mentioned I had an iud, and I was talking about how it can prevent a fertilizd egg from implanting, and my husband was like “WHAT?!?” (What he doesn’t remember is back when I was agonizing about which birth control to use, I sat down with him, with the pamphlet and explained everything, and he was like “Do what you feel comfortable with” Lol….) But I am very happy that he is taking initiative now and getting involved with me in birth control decisions. Plus he has grown up a lot since we were newly married dumb teenagers, I think he will be ok with the condom thing. Especially now that there are better ones out there. Yes, I’m glad this discussion was re-sparked. It’s an important one! And it’s great to hear everyone’s viewpoints and learn a little about their lives and be encouraged that we are not alone in these tough decisions. 🙂 Blessings to you and your crew too. 😉

    Very cool to be having this discussion with you all. 🙂 Like I said before it is so encouraging. It is kinda funny that we nymphos seem to all have more children than most! My best friend just had a baby, and it sure does make me ache to look at her, and remember kissing and snuggling the warm little heads of my newborns, and basking in that new baby smell! I don’t know, it will definitely be a matter of prayer for us, who knows? Maybe this hot mama isn’t done making babies yet. 😉

  11. My husband and I have been talking about this lately. We have 3 so far. The oldest two are mine from a previous relationship (although, my husband has all but adopted them-because technically, he can’t legally adopt them), the youngest is 8mo. If we’re going to have another, we would really like to sooner rather than later. The question is, should we? My husband isn’t really a baby person, although he does love all the kids. And I was pregnant with my youngest for what seemed like 10 and a half months (turns out I had miscarried and conceived immediately after, which we didn’t have any idea of until after our son was born), and he was almost 11 pounds!! Do I really want to do all that again? We’re not using any bc now, instead we’re relying on breastfeeding. But I am more than aware that the older the baby gets, the less affective that is. But maybe we don’t want it to be? 😉 I guess all I can do is rely on God to provide for anything that comes up. I was glad to read all the previous discussing. It’s nice to be reminded that I need to rely on God for all things in my life, including this 🙂


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