Dear Spouse … 100, Me…. 0

When I married my husband, I thought I knew everything there was to know about him. After all, we were always very open with each other about our past and every little detail of our life. We thoroughly enjoyed sex when we were first married. Sometimes even enjoying sex up to three times a day! It was incredible.

After our first child was born, something happened. My sex drive plummeted, but his didn’t. It seemed like the distance between our sex drives became like this huge abyss. His was at the very pinnacle of the abyss and mine was at the bottom of the chasm…you know, the part where light doesn’t even touch it? I mean, I think I saw the Loch Ness Monster down there….

So what in the world do you do if your drive is the polar opposite of your spouse’s? First thing that I did was pray about it. I used Stormie Omartian’s book The Power of a Praying Wife to help me with prayer. I truly wanted to be the spouse that God intended for my husband. God created him as a very sexual being, one who would still have sex 3 times a day if I would let him. I came to a point where I knew that something had to give, and God knew when the perfect time would be when I would accept His change in me. I read and learned more about the male body, hormones and what goes on inside his head. The book Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman really helped me understand my husband better. One day, while stepping out of the shower, I looked in the mirror, and I caught myself saying, “Wow, I can see why he gets so turned on seeing me naked.” That is exactly what you have to do….put yourself in his shoes and see yourself as he does. Next time he fondles your breast while you are combing your hair, instead of swatting his hand away because you are expecting him to want to start a major sex session, go ahead and let him! It’s all in the attitude. Make his day by saying, “Um, excuse me, you forgot one!” If there is no time for sex, give him something to think about all day…”Baby, I really can’t be late for work today, but if we save it for tonight, you’ll get SO much more later.” If your hubby carries a brief case to work, sneak a pair of panties into it and send him an email saying you aren’t wearing any panties … When you are going out somewhere with your spouse, go commando (no panties) and TELL HIM you are going commando as you walk into the restaurant or movie theater! Give his brain something to really think about on that date! I have been known to take my panties off in the bathroom before leaving somewhere and hanging mine over his rearview mirror of his car. (And I feel really naughty doing it, too!!!) It’s all in the attitude. Take a bubble bath, use a toy to get you aroused for your husband, put on his favorite cologne, help yourself to feel sexy and attractive for him. Get in the right frame of mind. You know what ladies, one thing I have found out in the past year or so is that the more often we have sex, the more I want it. I can see how he feels about 3x a day….I only wish at times my body would cooperate like it did when we were newlyweds!

Is the lower drive spouse always the woman? NO! Does that surprise you? It actually surprised me when I found out several of my female friends were just dying to have their husbands make love to them all the time and their husbands were the lower drive partner. It happens more frequently than you would think. Pray, be patient, do kind things for your spouse. Find out what his Love Language is and really work hard on meeting his needs that way.

Now, am I the picture perfect sexual being that my husband craves? Heck no, I am still a work in progress!! Even as I am writing this entry, I am realizing that I am slipping back into the abyss, and I need to start swimming toward the top to be with my hubby again. Be creative, take some risks, get messy! All is fair in love and sex. Take a walk on the wild side … speaking from experience here, after you start taking some risks in your marriage bed, stepping out of your comfort zone, you will really begin to enjoy the blessing that God has given you in your married sexual relationship!

aka Nutmeg Nympho


  1. First off, I feel like praying about sex is just wrong. I know it isn’t, I’ve been on this sight enough, and read some of the Song of Solomon to know better, but I have a mental block where thinking about praying about sex just sends a voice screaming, “NO!” through my head.
    Two, I never walk around the house, or even our bedroom naked. My husband wishes I would. He doesn’t understand why when I get dressed I leave my towel on until I am dressed below the waist. So, there is no hope of him getting to “grab a breast.”
    We use to have sex several times a day. I assume I liked it, but I don’t really remember. Now, we have sex a couple times a week. I know he would like to more. I filled out the sex survey and sent it to him. It has helped, he is starting to do things that help get me interested. (I have told him previously that I would never say, “I’m to tired, I will just let him do whatever. He gets off so, mission accomplished.” His response was that he wanted me to enjoy it to.) That and a desire to figure out how to get to a point where I just don’t think about/wish for oral sex. My husband says it stinks down there. His ex-girlfriend douched and she had no smell and he liked doing oral on her, if I would douch he would on me. But, that is so not safe. After the survey he has put a little more effort in moving down there. Baby steps.

  2. Good morning Jessica,
    You may think I am nuts writing to you as I will but I sensed something behind all of your words and wanted to give you a bit of ‘thinking’ material.

    I attended a British all-girls boarding school from 11 – 16 yrs. of age and used to change under a towel…terrible body image. I had to do some pretty radical stuff for myself to begin to heal?
    Being asexual until my sexual awakening towards my husband last year forced change into my life. To begin to bring healing into my sexual image, I had to ‘take it all off’ and stand in front of my bathroom mirror and look at myself…really look at myself and see all the uuugghhh and all the …sshhh… cellulite, and make myself see my body for real.
    It was one of the hardest things to do. I still have to retrain my brain away from all the horrible biting comments spoken throughout my teenage years about my body. Parents, friends, strangers.

    I even got to the stage where I could use a hand mirror to look at my female parts for the first time in my life….I was 45 years of age and had never seen that part of my body. Jessica, I have home-birthed SEVEN children with a midwife and had never looked at my private parts !! I followed natural family planning for my entire married life and yet had never ‘seen’ myself.

    I was (and still am) terrified of smelling bad so had to force myself to actually place some of my fluid on my fingers and smell it and then gradually, I forced myself to taste that fluid…freaked me out big time but I did it.
    I smell different and taste different through the stages of my cycle…sweet during ovulation and strong and musky before my period. Never knew those things and it helped me to accept my body more.
    This process also helped me to openly discuss my femaleness with my man and not be offended when he was a bit more timid…I did smell, I did taste strong. Now when I know I smell sweet and taste sweet, it makes me far more charged and confident about him going down on me. I can really relax and flow with him. It is beautifully erotic and my orgasms are fantastic..oh, I had never had an orgasm until 46 yrs. of age. How terribly sad.

    Then, horror of horrors, I had to go on a medical exploration and find out what actually turned me on…I had to learn how to pleasure myself. The guilt and revulsion I had to overcome was huge. I constantly battle feelings of guilt for even going there but I am staying my chosen course and believing God when he says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have to honor my body and all its functions and make them all a part of who I am before God in a beautiful way.

    We are not simply praying over sex Jessica, we are becoming 100 % female in every part of our beings. Please consider what I have said and join me in embracing your loveliness as a woman from the depths of your heart. This is THE mission I would love to hear you writing about, not just the mission of ‘him getting his rocks off’. You are worth more than that, Jessica, so much more. I will sincerely support you in prayer as a sister in Christ.

  3. This book is awesome. The only thing I disagree with Dr. Leman on, is that he says he thinks anal sex is kinky and wrong. While I may agree that it’s not to my taste, I cannot say that it’s wrong. We teach a marriage class annually and our last session is always about sex and marital intimacy. We give this book as a surprise gift to each of the couples and encourage them to read it out loud together. It makes for some good conversation.

    Sorry, I was referring to the book Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman.

  4. Well said, Smokey.

  5. Such really great advice Smokeypuss! I can really relate with some of your mental images that you had to overcome. First of all, I think that there are really very few of us that have a perfectly “buff” body…especially after bearing children and we have to learn to love ourselves again with what we have. Not that we can’t exercise, etc. but let’s face it, our bodies change as we age and there is only so much one can do outside of surgery. My husband tells me over and over how beautiful I am…I don’t always see myself as he does, but hey…I’ll accept it. I have come to love my body the way it is and do everything that I can to take care of it. Body image is important in that when we feel good about ourselves, then we have more confidence in EVERYTHING that we do from mowing the lawn to sex. But where should our self confidence and self image come from? It should come from Christ. He loved us so much that he died for us…while we were yet sinners. Evidently we are pretty important to HIM.
    I also think that we need to focus more on our inner beauty…for our outer beauty fades. That is the light that most of us are so attracted to in the first place anyway. Honestly, some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen are the most fun to be around…but by the world’s standards they would not be considered beautiful.
    So much of how we feel about ourselves and others has to do with attitudes and beliefs about ourselves. Some of these beliefs are warped and have been shaped by the world’s viewpoint. We need to rely on scripture and trust what God has to say about us being fearfully and wonderfully made. If we trust that and believe that, we can begin to heal and overcome fears that hold us in bondage and keep us from enjoying ALL that God intends for us in every part of our lives.

  6. Just a tip. I went to visit my parents and was away for a week. Missed my husband and my libido was sky-high. So I did something really daring. I SHAVED it ALL off (sit on the side of the bath tub on a thick towel and opel your legs wide). Then I took my mobile phone and took a picture of my clean shaven vagina and sent it to him. I first sent him a text message to warn him: Next message on you phone is a private show JUST for YOUR eyes… go somewhere private before you open it…. and WHALLA! That started off everything. I feel sexy and amooth and my hubby could not wait to get hold of me when I got back and has not been able to leave me alone. It also makes OS much more relaxing.
    Try it – it makes you feel sexy and wild. He can also see how the blood flow makes you ‘swell’ down there that indicates how much you want him.
    He deleted the photo afterwards and so did I (you don’t want to leave your phone somewhere and someone might scroll through your gallery and get a surprise!
    TRY IT…

  7. Unfortunately, I’ tried all that has been discussed but still my husband did not get excited. There are times I go to bed naked yet no show. Seriously I’m thinking of either separation or divorce. That way I know I’m alone.

  8. Abee,
    I have been where you are, and I can tell you that God is true to His word. He makes all things beautiful in HIS time. Not our time. It’s time to be praying fervently for your man, if you are not already. If you’ve not read The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi O’Martian, pick up a copy and begin reading. Just completing Chapter 1 made a difference in me, and in turn, made a difference in how my husband responded to me. Another excellent resource is called Women Making a Difference in Marriage. It’s a Bible Study published by Lifeway. You can go to and order it. Also, don’t forget that you are not alone. Talk to someone you know and trust. You’ll be surprised by the women in your life who either have been or are presently going through similar situations. The pain and heartache seems magnified when we feel alone. That’s part of being a woman. I’ll be praying for you and your husband. Don’t give up! You may have lost hope in your man, but don’t lose hope in our all-powerful God who loves you lavishly!

  9. Wowgodisgreat,

    Thank you for your words of encourgement, it’s made me feel lighter and more confident. A friend gave me the Power of a Praying Wife but in my frustrations I never read it. I will keep praying and keep my faith in God and His promises for me. Also, I’m going start reading the book immediately.
    God bless you.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS

  • Click here
  • January 2008
    S M T W T F S
  • Archives