What’s a man to do?

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Every woman has their own awakening story.  We may share similar catalysts for our awakening but no two stories are identical.  Before my awakening I was a once a week, rarely initiate kind of girl.  On that rare occasion that I did initiate my husband was very willing and eager to please.  Then it happened, my awakening.  I could read his thoughts clear as day, “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”  My husband now had this “sex crazed” woman on his hands.  What’s a man to do?

When I first had my awakening my husband often had that look of a deer caught in the headlights.  He didn’t know what to expect.  Who was this woman?  How did she go from wanting sex once a week, if that, to multiple times a day?!?  When is she going to go back to her old ways?  She wants to film us doing what?  For him it was like standing in front of a car and not knowing if it was going to turn left, right or go straight.  I remember feeling frustrated because he wasn’t being as receptive has I had hoped. He asked me what triggered this new awakening and where did that term come from anyway?   We sat down and had a heart to heart talk.

I needed to give him time to adjust.  Sticking with the car analogy, I felt like a car that was going too fast and he was now going too slowly. I tried suppressing my urges and I quickly found out that this was not a healthy road to take; it was not what God intended.  I told him how frequently I would like to make love, he told me his expectations and we compromised.  We decided that three to four times a week would work for us.  Sometimes we need to schedule sex just to make sure we are on the same page.  This scheduling can be as simple as saying “After the kids go to school do you want to ____?”  Or it can be something that is literally marked on a calendar.  We did a lot of praying.  Praying that we would eventually be on even ground as far as our sex drives was concerned.  Without communication I think there would have been an enormous amount of resentment.  On one hand I didn’t want to be rejected but how would he know what I was feeling and thinking without me telling him?  Are we always on the same page now?  No, we still have our bumps in the road and that’s OK.  As long as we can respect each others point of view and feelings we will be OK.  He has told me numerous times that he loves my enthusiasm I show when we make love.  It’s nice to hear him say that but I already knew he felt that way from the look in his eyes.

We have reached a new level of trust.  I needed to trust that he wouldn’t make me feel like my awakening was a bad or dirty thing.  He needed to trust me not to revert back to my old ways.  We both needed to step out of our comfort zones so we could grow.  I really didn’t think I changed all that much over the years but in some ways I guess I have.  Sometimes we aren’t really sure which direction we are going.  We defiantly will not be going backwards but who knows if we are going to go left, right or straight?  My husband and I realize that those hands on the steering wheel are not mine or his, they belong to God.  Who needs a GPS system when He is in charge of our destination?

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17 Comments

  1. My husband was shocked when I had my sexual awakening too. It’s been 2.5 years now with no looking back! And yeah, we have to compromise too, because now, my drive is much higher than his. You are so right about communication. That is one area that I need to work on more.

  2. Thanks for commenting cumingirl. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. Hopefully some of our sisters in Christ will see that when we grow we need to give our husbands time to catch up. 😉

  3. My husband is high drive anyway, so my awakening came at a very opportune moment for him. I bet he did have times when he wondered if it was for real or just a temporary thing for me. Thanks for the great article!

  4. I am so glad I landed on this article. My DH has a really high drive and so since my awakening about a month ago I defenitely thought he would be exstatic and up for the ride. “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?” seemed to be his exact response to me. He defenitely is going with the flow but not quite as enthusiastically as I had expected. In fact one time he did it for me while he wasn’t in the mood which is so rare. I realize right now he is in a very stressful job that he hates and this is putting a little hinderance on his usual enthusiasm, but reading this makes me feel maybe his not jumping up and down for joy is normal as it takes time to get used to a drastic shift. He had those exact questions, “Who was this woman? How did she go from wanting sex once a week, if that, to multiple times a day?!? When is she going to go back to her old ways? She wants to film us doing what? ” I will try to be patient while he gets to know this new side of me and pray that soon he can let go fully in trust and with that fun creative side that I know has been repressed.

  5. I know each situation is different, but I am hoping sharing our personal struggles and solutions might help one of you.

    My husband says that having an orgasm wears him out. (He is almost 50.) I read in a men’s heath magazine that some men need more time to recover. It even said that if a man over extends his sexual energy level, it lowers his immune system.

    He has the desire and has no problem with daily erections, but he resists “finishing” if he knows he has a busy schedule. When he is not stressed and has time to relax, we have had IC 3 and 4 times in a day for a week, but then he needs at least another week to recover. He gets that “been hit by a bus” look. He drags and just wants to sleep, but can’t because of work.

    We have had to learn to pace ourselves. He assured me that he can enjoy sexual encounters without having to ejaculate. At first I felt like I was a failure, but then he explained to me it is not a matter of being unable or even lack of a desire to finish, but just knowing he needs to reserve his energy. This goes against everything I had known… (him having an erection and not needing to ejaculate every time.)

    I am glad we were able to communicate. Now we frequently have sex, once to four times a day, without it having to be intercourse, and even if there is intercourse, it does not have to end with him “finishing.”

    He enjoys bringing me to orgasm, and I have learned not to pressure him to go further. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, he will do this when he comes home for lunch and he won’t even get undressed himself. Sometimes he just wants to watch me pleasure myself. He will often give me a morning “O” and then get in the shower. After the shower he will return for “more” if he wants too. I have learned to read his signals, and if I am not sure what he wants, I ask.

    We have been married 25 years, and for most of them we could not have communicated this way.

    I only wish that back when we were younger and I was pregnant and his sex drive was higher than mine, that we could have communicated this way, and found alternatives to meeting his needs. I wish we had been more knowledgeable and open about intimate alternatives when I didn’t have the energy or the desire for daily full blown sex.

    I like the term and practice a couple of you alluded to: skin time. I would suggest that you also have something you could call “him time” or “her time” to bring the one with the sexual energy and desire to “the point past frustration” and eliminate the pressure on the other spouse. This is a great way to serve your spouse without feeling like you are left without a choice.

    I am not suggesting that these special times be substituted for the times that you normally have full blow sexual encounters. I am just giving them as another possible option, like skin time, to fill in the voids.

    This takes a lot of communicating. Refining your communication in your sex life will help you to communicate in every area of your relationship. It will be worth the work, time and money to make your marriage the best it can be. Pray for each other and pray for the councilor, that God would give him wisdom.

    I feel for each of you, having once been the one with the lower drive, and now the one with the higher drive.

  6. What an excellent, excellent comment, LovingIt! You have hit upon the key to great sex – communication! Our bodies change throughout life and, as such, so does what we need to feel sexually satisfied. The only way for us to grow with our husbands, rather than let these changes drive us apart, is talking about what we both desire, feel and need. It sounds like the two of you have worked on your communication skills so that you can have intimacy 25 years into marriage. What an inspiration!

  7. I don’t know if my case applies here, but maybe some words of advise from you guys can help. My GH is 26 yrs old and I’ll have to say that I’m more high drive than him. He seems to really like me before and would usually “tease” me, seduce me, flirt, and everything, meanwhile I resisted. Since we got married (less than 6 months!!), I stopped resistance (of course) and it came like a shock to him. He even told me that I was intimidating. Since then, our intimacy is not that good. He would get arouse and then looses his arousal. He tells me that he feels stressed out, wanting to please me. It feels more physical than emotional. I even feel sometimes that I don’t arouse him as much as I would have liked (or he would have liked for that matter), that I’m not sexy enough, pretty enough. I’ve tried toning it down, but he tells me not to, that it would go away, to give him some time. I’ve tried seducing him (lingerie, initiating, among other things) but he seems “scared” or not enjoying it at all, like forcing himself to enjoy it.

    I come from a previous relationship were the sex drive was equally high. We had absolutely no problem in our intimacy since the beginning until the end. We were very very passionate, and loved to please each other, all the way. My approaches and initiations will arouse him as expected. He felt no intimidation for my high drive. He would want to do it all the time, too! This was a perfect part of our 7 yr-old relationship. I felt like the most beautiful women in the world!!!!

    I wouldn’t change my new GH with the old relationship in a million years, but the difference in our intimacy is totally frustrating.

  8. sweetnsourgirl:

    Actually, I was recently married as well and found a similar situation on my hands. 🙂 I generally let my husband initiate because I tend to overwhelm him, that and he usually rejects me and I kinda got tired of it. But anyway, I may not have been married long, but I do study relationships and lived with and was mentored for 5yrs by an older married couple, and from what I have learned and observed especially with my husband, I would take the above suggestions. I also suggest not changing things around, but discover what he does like to do, and let him initiate more because I’m sure he knows you want to make love as you said it overwhelmed him.

    I heard the same thing that couples were always full of passion at the beginning, but to be honest, I’m glad that we’re not because I believe its better for me and him to ease our way into things sexually and I am not you, but it sounds like it may be the case for you as well. Things will, in time, most likely get more passionate as you get to know each other and become more comfortable around each other.

    Sometimes I get frustrated about things because for me its not just a want its a need, its actually hard for me to function without making love, and you ask how I functioned before getting married… Well, I didn’t. I was sick all the time and bed-ridden usually once a year. But even if we only made love once a week it would be better than zero. Its not easy and I guess, as a fellow newly-wed, I just want to let you know that I totally understand what you’re going through. 🙂

    God Bless ~Amy

  9. Reading this thread brought me to tears. I know God led me to your blog and to this information!
    I am in my early 30s and have been happily married for 14 years. For most of those years I have been the “refuser”….often letting my DH go without making love for up to 4-5 weeks…..and never fully realizing the damage I was doing to him as a man and to our relationship. Within the past 2 years I have experienced an “awakening” (although I didn’t realize it as such until I read this post.) My drive has increased dramatically and just continues to do so. Now it seems that I have a higher sex drive than my husband and I find myself feeling rejected and undesirable. We do ML frequently, sometimes every day or even multiple times daily. Yet, many times I am left wanting more and feeling guilty of initiating (again). Since my awakening, he rarely initiates sex. I’m not sure if it is the fact that he was solely responsible for initiating for so long (and then was very often rejected) or that I don’t give him the chance to initiate anymore. He has told me on several occasions that he will never deny me…..and I know he means what he says. He has always been a wonderful lover, putting my enjoyment and satisfaction before his and always seeking to give me great pleasure. I guess a lot of my difficulties at this point lie more in my mind than anything else. I worry that I am asking too much from him. That I’m initiating more than he would prefer and that he is growing tired of my advances. We have begun to communicate a lot about this subject and he has said his ideal schedule would probably be ML every other day. I’m sure to many that seems frequent (even some friends of mine would considered that insane), but I would honestly prefer it at least twice a day every day. Even typing that now I feel ridiculous about having such a desire. When I think about the past and his old requests for me to please try to make love to him once a week and how awful a request I thought this was at the time, I feel so guilty now for wanting sex so much. During these past several months we have communicated more than ever about sex and have tried every new and exciting thing we can think of. Still I get the feeling from him that he fears I will return to my old ways and he will be left hurting again. I can’t help fearing he will tire of me when he realizes I’m not going to be “hard to get” or that I’m no longer a prize he’s trying to win. He has told me that is not the case, it’s just that he doesn’t have to think about sex as much as he used to. The main thing I’m having a hard time with is the change in his behavior that basically makes me feel less desirable than I used to. When he was constantly looking for ways to “woo me” I felt admired and desired sexually (although this thought repulsed me at times), now I feel like he knows he will get sex from me and so he doesn’t have to work for it anymore. I still want to be a treasure to him. I miss him trying to sneak a peek at my body when I undress, or just doing the little things that let me know that he was turned on by the sight of my body or by a simple touch. I really would just like some advice on how to deal with this mess of feelings I have. I feel alone in all of this, as I have never had a friend that I feel comfortable discussing anything of a intimate or sexual nature. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? How did you get past it and just enjoy your newfound sexuality? I don’t want to let my mind (i.e. Satan) ruin this for me and my DH.
    Thanks for your blog and sharing such intimate topics in a Godly manner!

  10. I know things seem confusing to you right now, but based on all you have said it sounds like you and your husband are actually in a good place and having established good communication in the last few months I think you have set yourselves up to really improve the areas that are so frustrating to you now.

    I would try making an attempt to hold back your advances a bit. I’m not suggesting that you become cold and withdrawn, but flirt with him subtly and then let him respond with initiating sex when he desires it. So keep communicating to him (verbally and non verbally) that you are pleased with him, but let him take it to the next level. If he has said that every other day works for him, you won’t be waiting too long. 😉

    It’s really normal for couples to need to work out frequency issues and it does go back and forth a lot of times when couples are in good relationships. The man desires it more and then the woman desires it more. You are definitely not alone in what you are feeling or experiencing. In case this may also apply for you, make sure that you have forgiven yourself for the years you refused him. You can not change those years, but focusing on them can rob you of the joy in the years yet to come.

    I’m so glad you found our site and I look forward to hearing from you more.

  11. I’m so glad I saw this last post, I really thought I was the only one. I’ve always had a high sex drive. In my past relationship (before I came back to God) my boyfriends couldn’t keep their hands off of me and just a look and that’s all it took. With my DH it was like that in the very beginning and was wonderful! We have 4 boys 2 mine 2 ours the youngest are only 15 mos apart. Since we’ve had our younger boys our sex life has definitely changed. Also I’ve had my ‘awakening’ since then. While I had a high sex drive before, I did refuse when I was tired or just not in the mood. Since I made the commitment to never refuse again, it seems like his drive has gone down. Maybe it’s the same and mine’s just increased (I feel like twice a day would be great!) ( he’s more like 2-3 times a week) I don’t know but I completely understand feeling rejected, undesirable, and just unattractive. I know having 4 instead of 2 boys is a lot more work and responsibility, ( JOY TOO!) but It’s hard to be understanding and not feel like there’s something wrong with me. He is also older then me. Even writing this I see many reasons why he would honestly be just too tired and yet in the moment I feel like “what have I done wrong?” I have tried to suppress my desires and not try to initiate so much, but it doesn’t go away and I still feel bad. I have prayed about this specifically and about our sex life in general. We have communicated about this and prayed together. I know God will get us through we have a very strong marriage and both of us have strong relationships God. He is an amazing husband, daddy and I feel guilty for wanting more. Is there a way to handle this is a respectful, loving way?

    Thank you so much for this site it is so encouraging to me to know I’m not the only woman feeling this way.

  12. This article and postings have helped me so much.. about 6 months my sex drive went into overdrive at age 41. for the almost 20 years of our marriage i never refused my husband’s advances but would encourage him to ‘make it fast” .. or just go through the motions. Sex for us was a normal every 2-3 weeks. Part of that is due to the fact i have a medical condition involving my bones in my legs so sex not always easy for me and then not enjoyable. Whatever happened 6 months ago is a BLESSING. At first i was embarrassed to even admit to him that i was feeling this way.. i would just wait and then draw the act out. But finally i felt the need to be the one starting and talked to him about it. i told him i was embarrassed by the feelings and i would ‘tone it down’.. his response was that he would offended if i did. That little reply has given me the courage to start to speak up about what I want and need during sex and to encourage him to telll me what he wants me to do, etc. The bone issue is still a huge factor in positions.. we have only ever done just one.. but after reading this site carefully i think there are a few that would work.. we just have to try. We also have talked about incorporating a vibrator into our lovemaking as orgasms are hard for me with the limited amount of hip/pelvis movement.
    Thank you for this website. It is such a relief to know that i am not the only woman who has these issues and concerns. Most of my friends complain how their husbands want sex all the time.. and now i am the one wanting sex all the time! more than once a day would be heavenly.. but we have settled on about 3-4 times a week. Sometimes more…

  13. Hey!

    I was just wanting to post an update in case any newly married woman came by and read this thread. when I first posted here I had been married only 2months, and now it has been almost 6months, which admittedly, is not very long. However what I was wanting to say is that, if you are like me, and a few other younger woman who posted on here that had higher sex drives than their husband from the get go, just be patient!

    i continued to praying and waiting and finally one night my husband had a breakthrough, and actually starting wanting to make love. He didn’t enjoy it before due to some past issues, but once he started enjoying it, it changed his attitude dramatically towards sex, and while he was still insensitive towards my feelings for a while during making love or when trying to initiate, I was patience and addressed it at the right time and he made actual long-lasting changes.

    Everyone’s situations are different, and although it is really hard to cope with the fact that now that you’re married you may not be able to have sex whenever or wherever, but maybe only once a week for a while, if you are patient and communicate at the right times in the right way, than he will understand. Just don’t push the issue except when you are sure that its the right time, and God and circumstances will tell you that.

    So be encouraged!!!! Things wont always suck sexually, you just have to be patient and loving, and if you make a stupid mistake apologise and move on. We all do it!

    God Bless ~Amy

  14. Hey Deeni-
    I don’t know exactly what your hip /bone issues are but when I was researching buying bedroom “adventure” furniture (like Liberator sex furniture) I noticed MANY reviews by people who had health issues who were buying this stuff. (Older couples, people who had surgery, chronic pain, ect..)

    My husband and I bought an Esse (like a chaise lounge but designed for sex). I have back issues and love making is much easier & more comfortable – not to mention it’s exciting to try new stuff.

    Just something you might want to think about and research to see if it would help you.

  15. Thank you for the advice. i have seen ads and articles for that brand of furniture and would like to try that sometime. Since i first wrote back in October 09, things have changed a little bit. We have tried a few new positions – and unfortunately did not have success due to my mobility. that was discouraging to say the least as the more i get used to my new high sex drive i want to try more and more new things! DH seems a bit reluctant to try something new so i was so happy when he finally did. He was willing to give the sex toys – just a simply “starter” vibrator – a try. I can say that is a success! LOL. We are still practicing but are starting to think about the next step in this area.
    What i have noticed about my DH is a comment in the original article – the “deer in the headlights”. that is my DH! He has said the exact same words to me alot lately “who are you and what have you done with my wife”. He says he is thrilled with the new me and would be highly insulted if i backed off. But yet, when i try to talk about trying new things other than our standard he doesn’t want to. I am hoping this is still shell shock and that he will just need time to move ahead. his personality is that.. to take a long time to think things through and accept them and go ahead. We have comprimised on having sex 2 times in a week. I truly could have sex every day and he seems so surprised when i say that to him. I still don’t think he thinks this a permanent side to me! I don’t want to get frustrated with him or our lovemaking. I am praying about it and talking to him about it but I am not sure he understands when i say i really feel the need to try new things. Our love making has definitely gotten better; longer and more intense and yes more foreplay. It is just always the same foreplay.
    Does anyone else have that same issue of almost NEEDING to try new things and having your shell shocked DH drag his feet in that area. Maybe I just need to tell him again and take the reins myself on foreplay!

  16. Amy.. I’ve been checking in on this site for about a year to find several stories like my own and yours at the beginning of your marriage… but no followup posts on progress!

    So, thanks! 🙂 I’m happy to hear that you and your mister are enjoying ALL of eachother! As for me, while it’s been 2 years now and my husband is still happy with the same 10 minute intercourse session once a month… I am left burning with desire everyday. Sometimes it really gets me down and I feel so hopeless.. but a lot of the time I am praying, making efforts at communication and hoping! To hear that you and your husband made progress in this area is uplifting to me and I feel encouraged! 🙂

    Thanks again, please pray for me and my husband if you think of it.

    GOD BLESS YOU!

  17. I’ve been married for 10 months to my husband who has, what seems like, no sex drive. We maybe have sex twice a month and I feel the urge at least once a day. I know I shouldn’t feel less pretty but when he never initiates I feel so rejected. Before we were married I was delivered from addiction to pornography. After I gave my life to Jesus I threw away everything I used to use for personal sexual pleasure and without really much thought I gave up the multiple times a day routine of masturbation. Now, whenever the days drag on after no intimacy whatsoever I feel not only not pretty but sick… for wanting what I know is righteous. A healthy sexual relationship with my husband. I really don’t know what to do. I’m scared to offer this to God. I guess my deep down fear (which I know to be a lie) is that I was never delivered from my addictions or i don’t deserve to be satisfied. Please help!


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