Proceed With Caution

I have been angered and saddened by some of the ideas that people in the Church have developed about God’s view of sexuality. When I had my sexual awakening I started researching more deeply what God wanted for my sexual relationship with my husband. Some of the things I have come across since that time have either helped me to shake off the lies I had believed about myself and my sex life with my husband or they have left me shaking my head and sometimes my fists. When I lose my peace like that I have to step back and ask God what I can do about it.

I have seen many websites where the authors have either put a stumbling block up for Christian men and women in releasing them to participate in sinful acts, or they have provided information that serves to become a burden to the women that we, the ladies of this blog, desire to see set free. I found one where the writer works very hard at establishing arguments for practices that are sin, even using scriptures in a gross misrepresentation of what the intent of the scripture is. The effort made to work so hard to validate sinful behavior seems to indicate to me that they are deliberately putting a stumbling block in the way of Christians which is sickening to me. Then there are others where I can tell that the authors have tried to understand what God honestly thinks about these things and they have just come to an inaccurate, legalistic understanding because of their sexual past pain and misguided information.

So on the one side we have a site that is filled with so much wrong information I don’t even know where to begin. They have a main page that is giving Christians “freedom” to participate in anal sex before marriage, pointing out that there are scriptures where God directs women to receive anal sex. In every case, the context of the passage is about something else entirely. The author suggests that since anal sex allows a woman to keep her hymen in tact so she can remain a “pure and unsullied bride” on her wedding night, it is therefore permissible. In the same way, the website validates unmarried people to participate in oral sex because it is not real sex and then says it is only OK if the woman swallows, taking out of context the sin of Onan.

Furthermore and perhaps the saddest of all of the articles is one where the author gives married people his reasons why it is OK for them to participate in threesomes, complete again with his misinterpretations of scriptures that “prove” that a husband and wife can incorporate another woman into their sex life and it will be OK with the Lord. Oh, but not another man, because that might cause the wife to lust after him. Do you see the inconsistency?

I can’t even reflect on the content of this particular website for long before I lose my peace at the way this person has made such an open door for people to sin and misrepresented the Spirit-filled Word of God. My heart breaks at how they are leading people seeking truth into deception.

So there are indeed many websites like this, where you will see people talking about God and even using scriptures to support activities that are unacceptable.

On the other side of the coin, you will also find a lot of Christian websites where people are setting up rules for what is and is not acceptable based not on what God has said in scripture, but on their own experiences. In one I found, I could tell that the woman was genuine in trying to help people understand what their sexuality should be like, however, I do think she is misguided in some of her conclusions and her information places a heavy yoke on men and women to keep certain things out of their marriage beds that are actually a healthy way to express Godly passion.

Some of the spices that are not recommended according to her line of thinking include wearing lingerie and stripping, positions that don’t have you face to face, role playing, “vulgar language” (which could mean anything from using slang words for body parts to character insulting language), and oral sex in some circumstances.

The problem with a legalistic position like this is that it makes rules for everyone without considering that people have different heart issues. Lingerie and stripping for your husband are discouraged in this website because when your husband sees other women in the same situation he is going to prefer them over you because they look better (she assumes). As you age he is going to be less and less interested in you because you have trained him to be visual. She purports that we should learn to connect to our spouse in a non-visual way, like we do with God. The reality is that God made men (and many women) visually stimulated and wearing lingerie and stripping for him are great ways to please that part of him. The more he sees your naked body, the more he becomes connected to you. It’s in his wiring for it to be that way. It is insulting to say that we need to learn to become aroused without any visual stimulation.

Also, according to the author, a sex position that doesn’t have you face to face and specifically if you position yourselves doggy style, it is a “trap door” for perversion like bestiality. I am certain that receiving sex from behind does not in and of itself breed a desire to have sex with animals. If a person is already perverse in this manner I can see how they would perhaps seek to participate in it, but most people like it because it’s just really, really fun. It has nothing to do with wishing to have sex with an animal.

It would seem that the author has taken her negative experiences and made rules about what does and does not belong in the marriage bed based on them. She recommends asking yourself if what you are doing in your marriage bed is worshipful to the Lord and I can tell you with certainty that God LOVES to see the worship that my husband and I offer Him in celebrating the gift of sex that He gave us with complete abandon to one another.

So the problem here is that someone took a behavior that came from a sinful heart issue and applied a rule about the behavior rather than guiding people to freedom from the heart issue that caused the sin to begin with. In other words, one may choose to strip out of seeing the delight it brings to their spouse and out of the feeling it brings them of being desired by their one and only OR they may strip because they have an insatiable desire to actually perform in front of other people and when they do it they are fantasizing about other men or women watching them. Though the same thing is happening externally, internally, these are two very different situations. One builds the marriage up, the other tears it down. So you can not make a rule to say stripping is not beneficial to marriage just because some people need freedom from the latter mindset.

My problem is that the content I have read on websites like this comes off as very controlling. I would recommend that we all set up our sexual boundaries based on our own heart issues, rather than attempt to establish guidelines for everyone else which come from our history of pain and sexual confusion. Unless an act is expressly declared as sinful in the Word of God (multiple sexual partners, homosexual acts, bestiality and so on), we need to extend grace to people to work out what is acceptable in their marriage bed with their spouse and the Lord.

If you have any questions about what you read here about this topic please do not hesitate to leave it in the comment section or send it through our Got Questions? page. We all would be happy to help you understand healthy sexuality in any way we can.


  1. I have to say that I chuckled just a bit at the notion that having doggy style sex might make me want to have sex with animals. I have to wonder if some of the people writing on websites like that (sure, threesomes are Biblical!) are just joking to provoke some controversy.

    Sadly, I realize that there are just quite a few confused people out there, trying to validate behavior that goes against their own belief systems.


  2. Yeah, I think you are right about the bit about people trying to validate their behavior. That is certainly apparent.

    At times, though, it also seems like they genuinely have come to possess these conclusions after seeking God for understanding. And that’s just frightening to me. But I think what happens is God leads people to set up boundaries for themselves based on who they are and the weaknesses they have, and then they transfer those things to become a hard and fast rule for everyone.

  3. I know the exact website you are talking about! I too was totally enraged and saddened with the gross representation of the God’s Word.

  4. Hello from Texas, I’m a 45 yr. young mom of 7 wonderful kids with the most gorgeous hunk of a husman who has been my frustrated lover for our entire married life until this summer when i literally broke down and admitted that i was sick and needed God to heal my asexuality.

    We’ve een in the home school lifestyle for 18 years and still am plus both of us are totally dedicated to our awesomely always present Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

    All 7 children home birthed and family bedded and breastfed so very lovingly with both my man and I in total agreement all through our years together sharing such love for all of our blessings. What an incredible man I have been gifted with.

    My life has been totally overturned since embracing my sexuality.

    I have been dancing and loving and dressing for my man in sexy stuff and going to the gym ,getting in shape and healing in a marvelous way.

    Now, I face the terrible anger of not having had anyone to talk with regarding my freaking useless sexual reponse to my lover as I could never trust any of my so-called ‘sisters in Christ’.

    I am so furious about the fact that I had to wait until I saw a distant look in my darling’s eyes and only see them light up when a foxy woman would walk by.

    I almost lost the best person I have ever known and now I want to scream and punch walls because I have never had an orgasm until this past summer.

    Self pleasuring…for bad women, not for me and to be shunned. I’ve missed so much.

    I cannot even face the possibliy of attending a church.

    I’m constantly flattered with ladies telling me I am the epitomy of womanhood to them. They would tell me I had and have the most wonderful marriage and kids and all of it was and is true yet my sexy self was buried in religious clothing. To maintain my delicious sexual self and combine it with religion is not jiving with me at this time.

    Now when my man is away travelling and I feel the pressure building up, I can spend time with my smokeypuss and have a fantastic orgasm but I cry with bitter tears at all the years where I could have been all over my really horny husband but did not take advantage of what I had.

    Yes, I am SOOO very thankful he stayed faithful to me but I never felt satisfied although I made sure he always was.

    He would look and sound so very sad because he knew he could never satisfy me. Now, I can touch myself in front of him and I have come miles from where I was. My sexuality rocks big time….hallelujah 😉

    Can any of you relate to my HUGE anger and has it subsided for you over time as you have continued to blossom in your new found sexual selves.

    I see frozen, Stepford wife type women all over the place and grieve at what the church of Christ has fostered in all of us through our inability to embrace our womanhood.

    Nothing to do with God who I love as the most incredible person I could ever know.

    You have no idea how much of a blessing this site has been to a frustrated baby in sexuality who is now in midlife…ggggrrrr … and freaking out because of the sense of lost time.

    I truly praise God for your willingness to create a site for women like me who embarrassingly sneaked a peek at your site three months ago and then yell ed with relief at what I found.

    My kids think I am whacky but I am not turning this ship around.

    Needless to say, my man is over the moon.

    We have had the best months of our married life. 23 years and counting.

    Our sex life is the most beautiful dream I could ever have hoped it would be.

    I am so passionately in love with him and his amazing bod that he literally is struggling to keep up with me. Thank God I have the option to satisfy myself otherwise I would be a mess. His libido is lagging now with mid life hormonal depletions. Another grief for me. What could we have been like all these years. Sigh.

    It is only up and in from here but I must get this bitterness dealt with.

    Bless me, girls with your salve of encouragement. I am one thirsty older newbie to all of this.

  5. What a great thing God is doing in your lives. Just wanted to let you know that we will be addressing the issue you are raising about the anger at misspent years in a future article. It is a very common reaction after an awakening.

    We hope you find lots of ideas at our blog for how to enjoy each new day with your husband.

  6. Hello Cinnamonsticks,

    Thank you for your welcoming comment and for taking this issue to task.

    I will be returning as I do daily, to read what eventuates from all of your combined musings.

    I will continue to fan the flames of passion towards my man by visiting your site. What a blessing you all are to me. Proof to me that God is available in REAL Christian lives. One simply has to seek and true fellowship can be found. I am a happy camper.

    Racing towards some juicy article for my daily dose of love food on your site. Whoopee.

    I have found a few good women who can be free like me. Huge cyber grin.

  7. I’m pretty sure I know the website too. I came across it accidentally when searching for something like “the will of God”. After reading several pieces here and there – some of those you mention – I came to the conclusion that this could NOT have been written by a serious Christian but by someone deliberately wanting to trap Christians. The justifications given for the practices commended are – as you point out – taken wantonly out of context. Someone or some group is trying to get a lot of laughs out of naive Christians who will actually act on the “christian advice” given there. The author or authors will be hoping to see their “scripturally-based” arguments used all over to justify, for example the one you quote, sex before marriage. Ignore it! And spread the word to others to ignore it too! I’m pretty sure it’s a scam.

  8. i am just reading this article for the first time, and i have to say i think you have nailed legalism on the head. it is almost “scarry”” to see these types of christians walking around passing judgement on others for things they feel a conviction about, but is no where near what God has given us as rules.
    i think these type of people really believe in there hearts they are right and their way is right, when God has given us so much freedom in our lives. it’s ok to have your own rules and guidelines, (in fact we should) but we need to be careful not to say they are God”S rules, unless we can back them with a book, chapter and verse.
    I have been a christian a long time (40 yrs) and was raised in a very fundamental church. I think more often than not it is an immature christian who is very legalistic in their thinking. We have had our share of these type come and go in our church. Our pastor preaches against it, but these kind of christians are all around. We should guard or hearts and minds, as to not fall prey to that type of thinking. We as christians need to be discerning when it comes to our faith and not just follow blindly. Thanks for being just that (discerning christians) who encourage God given freedom! 🙂

  9. I actually saw the first sight you mentioned before I found CN…I honestly thought that whoever wrote it was surely joking…Threesomes are okay if 2 women are involved? Pre-marital anal and oral are okay as long as she is technically still a virgin?…What angered me the most was the possibility that a new christian could stumble on to that sight and think that the behaviors mentioned are not sinful…perverting the bible to satisfy one’s own agenda is horrible, but to misinform another I think is worse…The one positive I got out of that search was that I found all you wonderful women here at CN…you ladies rock!!!

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