The Five Love Languages

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Do you know what your primary love language is? We each have one or two, and it helps when you know what your spouse’s love language is. If you haven’t read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book: The Five Love Languages, then I encourage you to do so.

My husband and I took a class on The Five Love Languages, a few years back, and it really opened our eyes. We had been arguing a lot at the time, and after we read the book, things improved a lot. It was an eye opening experience. This book helped us to realize that we were both different in how we expressed our love to each other, and in how we individually felt loved by the other.

Right now, my primary love language is physical touch. That means that I feel the most loved when my husband is touching me. It is soothing and comforting to me. Whether he’s stroking my arm as we watch a movie together or has his arm around me during the sermon at church. And can you imagine how loved I must feel during sex?

My husband’s primary love language is words of affirmation. When I tell him how handsome he looks before he goes off to work, it boosts his self-image and makes him feel loved by me. When I tell him that he is a wonderful father to our children, he feels confident and loved. Words can have such a powerful influence on him.

A decade ago, my primary love language was acts of service. When my husband would step up and do something for me, without me having to ask (such as the dishes or laundry) I would feel all warm inside. It really meant so much when I would see him giving of himself in that way for me.

Quality time is another love language. This involves just being together and spending time with one another. Cutting the TV off and playing a card game together, or taking a walk outside together would be examples of quality time. Planning and cooking a meal together or tackling a small home project together are more ideas.

The last of the love languages is gifts. I have a friend who has gifts as her primary love language. When her husband stopped and picked her wildflowers beside the highway on the way home from work one day, she cried. When he bought her a hallmark card, for no reason at all except that he had been thinking of her that day, she cried. Those things may be strange to others, but to her, his small gifts speak volumes.

When you find out what your spouse’s primary love language is, then you can learn how to best show him/her that you love them. You can begin to express your love in a way that makes him/her really feel it. I highly recommend buying the book I linked to above, but if you are curious as to what your love language is, then you can take this simple online quiz to get started.

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Advanced Oral Techniques

Many husbands view oral sex as the most intimate thing a wife could do for them.  Cumingirl has already shared some great oral sex tips in her “Tasting His Fruit” article.  I am going to share some techniques that can be used once you are fully comfortable with performing oral on your man.   Feel free to try them out.

The Hoover:  First get your husband’s penis nice and wet licking all around because it will help to have him well lubricated.  If this alone does not bring him to a full erection then try the “Hoover method”.  Put the top part of his penis in your mouth and gently suck.  As you are sucking,  begin pulling him out of your mouth at the same time.   This double pulling action increases the blood flow to his penis bringing him to a full salute.

Peppermint Stick:  Once your husband is fully erect  experiment and see what is working on that day.  (It’s true, men like variety just as much as us women do.)  Start at his base and run your tongue around his penis like the swirl on a peppermint stick. 😉 As you circle around, slowly move up to the head of his penis.  Make sure to cover your teeth with your lips as I do this.   Teeth at this point may not be a good thing.

Butterfly Flick:  This is where musical talent comes into play.  Pretend your husband’s penis is a banjo and strum it with your tongue. He may love for you to do this movement up and down his entire penis with most of your focus on his frenulum, which is the membrane right under the head of his penis.

Hummer: If you moan with just the right amount of pressure on his penis you can make it vibrate.

Love Nips:  Some men are greatly turned on by a very light grazing of their wife’s teeth.  Gently (very, very, very gently) scrape your teeth as you are going up and down on his penis.  You don’t want him start hearing ‘Jaws Music’ playing in his head.

Deep Throat:  Start with one of the other techniques and then try incorporating this into the show.  One of your hands should be grabbing the base of his penis.  Slowly bring him in deeper by removing one finger at a time.  So if you are using all four fingers to hold him remove one and go down a little further.  Let your mouth get adjusted to the deeper penetration and then remove another finger until either you run out of fingers or it just is not comfortable to go any further.  You may find that you are able to take more of him in if you stick your tongue out as you are bringing him in.  Then you can caress the head of his penis with the back of your throat.  If you want to add some flavor, grab a lube like “Good Head”.  This also helps numb the back of your throat.

Another technique you can try while giving your man oral is to push on his perineal.  (For a detailed description, click on the red letters.)  This can really intensify his orgasm.  Just make sure your nails don’t jab into him.  If you do have long nails a knuckle works just as well.

Sometimes the things that happen accidentally are what drive him to ecstasy.  Don’t be afraid to experiment just make sure you report back here so we can all learn how to pleasure our husbands better.  Bon appetite!!

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Romantic lighting

My husband loves sex with the light on. He is a very visual person, and he loves to watch us making love. He loves taking in the visual sights of my body. He loves it with oral sex when he can see what I am doing to him or what he is doing for me.

I, on the other hand, would rather it be dark. I enjoy losing the sense of sight because it enhances my 4 other senses. I pick up sounds and touch so much more than if I can see. It leaves me to visualize in my head his thrusting and I can concentrate on the internal feeling of his penis inside me.

So what is our compromise? Candles.

Candles can be many small votive candles, or a few larger ones. They can be scented or unscented. The mood is so much more romantic than direct light. The flickering of the candles cast cool, sensual shadows on the walls. The light from the candles is so different, making the room feel warmer, more romantic. It can help the visual spouse to see what they want to, while allowing the spouse who likes the dark to have still have a darkened room to make love in.

One of my most romantic memories with candles was on my birthday. He tossed my satin robe out the bedroom door, locked the door and told me I couldn’t come in until he called me. When I finally entered the room, I didn’t recognize my bedroom. It looked as though there were a hundred sparkling lights in the room. The room looked so warm and inviting. It was a very awesome birthday present.

Another thing we have tried to meet each other half way was by using black lights. My husband went out and bought a few replacement light bulbs for our bedside lamps. The result was a darker room with a purplish glow. It was pretty cool. The whole room wasn’t neon, but it was a nice darker compromise and when he would slather me with coconut oil, the sight of my glisteny body did wonders for his visual nature.

If you are interested in more ways to romanticize your bedroom, be sure to check out this article by my good friend Cinnamonsticks.

Middle of the Night Lovin’

One of the fondest memories my husband and I have of our honeymoon is waking up in the middle of the night to have sex and then falling back asleep. We do it rarely now, but it’s fun when we do.

The other night I woke up in the early morning and got to feeling especially amorous towards my husband. Oh, I was so close to getting something going. What stopped me? This thought: “He might be annoyed at me waking him up for sex.” Now, in all honesty, you do need to understand from your husband if he would in fact be annoyed at being woken up. Some people really do not like it. It wrecks their ability to function properly the next day. My husband confirmed for me that it is, indeed, OK for me to interrupt his sleep for some middle of the night lovin’ and yet I expect that it wouldn’t be welcomed every night, which is fine by me. After all, I’m not a machine. 🙂

These are good positions to consider using for middle of the night sex:

When you have sex during the night, it’s almost dream like because you are so sleepy, but it’s not without passion. The whole reason we are doing it is because we don’t want to wait another moment. The passion is just different. It is slow and rhythmic.

My husband says the best part about it is that there is no guilt about going to sleep right afterwards. 😀 Of course, he is mostly teasing because we are both always quick to fall asleep after we have sex.

So once you have talked to your husband about what he thinks about this, the next time you wake up at night reach over and start a little hand job. See how he responds and if it is favorable, go for it!

Ben Wa Balls: A Toy Review

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Okay, so Peppermintgirl’s article, The Secret To Better Sex, got me to thinking. I have recently purchased a set of those ben wa balls that she had talked about, but I’d only tried them once, a few months back. I wonder if I could wear them all day long?

So I inserted them this morning as soon as I got up. I have the small weighted kind, like the picture above. They are not on a string. They are shiny and gold looking and are heavier than they look. I believe they are made that way on purpose. You are supposed to flex your PC muscles to keep them in, and in turn, it strengthens your pelvic floor muscles. The fact that they are weighted makes it a little more difficult. Amazon has a couple different kinds, but none of them have good reviews. I got mine at a different company and they were not as cheap as amazon has them.

My Morning

So I put them in as soon as I got out of bed. Then I went and made breakfast for my family. I got my kids on the school bus and jumped in the shower. Afterwards I recall thinking so far so good. Then I got dressed and came and spent some time online.

Around 11:45 I realized that I needed to go to the grocery store. The problem was that I don’t wear panties. The only ones I do own are thongs. I started wondering what in the world would I do if one of these balls fell out and rolled down the isle of the grocery store? I went and raided my drawers and found a pair of men’s boxer briefs that I usually wear when I work out. I felt better knowing that I had a “safety net.”

My Afternoon

Just before I left, I needed to go to the bathroom. Wouldn’t you know that I totally forgot about the balls (because you can’t feel them in there!) and as I started to pee, I heard two loud CLANKS as they both fell into the toilet. What a predicament. Of course this would happen to me. I had to grab my dish washing gloves and fish them out. Then I had to sterilize them and reinsert them. I realized then, that the balls had stayed in for around four hours before they fell out. Whether that is good or bad, I have no clue.

So I went to the grocery store and to get me some lunch. I came home and did some laundry and ate and got back online again. I continued my day, as I would have normally. My kids got off the bus and my husband came home from a business trip. He and I knew we would make love tonight. He had hinted at it and so had I. But I did not tell him about the ben wa balls. I decided to leave them in and just see if he happened to notice them.

My Night

During foreplay I kept expecting him to say What in the world am I feeling in there? But he did not. I grinned to myself and decided to see how far we would go before he realized something was different. We then made love as usual, and he never knew they were inside me. The only strange thing that happened was that he finished way earlier than he usually does. He said he couldn’t help it. He was shocked when, afterwards, I removed them myself in front of him. He couldn’t believe that I had those inside and he didn’t feel them.

Conclusion

I think I did a good job of holding the balls inside myself all day long. They only slipped out once in 12 hours. Once inserted, you can’t feel them at all inside. I had read in a couple of places that said ben wa balls can heighten your arousal during the time that you wear them. I really didn’t notice anything different than usual though. It did get tiresome a couple of times, having to keep doing kegels all day long! But I think that is the point, right? To make you exercise your muscles down there so that they become stronger.

Making love with them inside was pretty cool. I really didn’t expect them to affect my husband though. I’m wondering if they were bumping against each other in there and vibrating and maybe that is what was feeling so good to him? I think I’m definitely going to have to do some more experimenting with these, and see if last night was just a fluke. We need to try them in different positions. I don’t think my husband will mind.

So I guess I can see how the balls would strengthen your muscles. I have to admit to being glad that I’m not wearing them today. I may try to use them a couple times a week from now on, and see if I notice any difference. If I find that they don’t do much for me, then I’m not out much money. I think these would be good for women who have a hard time remembering to do their kegels, like me. So I will give the balls a rating of 2 pepper hearts on our scale below. The rating may would go up, if I used them consistently and saw that they did, indeed help strengthen my pc muscles.

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The Secret to Better Sex

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How would you like to heighten your arousal, increase natural moisture (lubrication), feel tighter during intercourse, and have stronger orgasms? What about your husband? He could have better control over his ejaculation and have a firmer erection!!!!!  All you need is to dedicate at least fifteen minutes a day and you too can see these results in about four to eight weeks.  Do you want to know how?  You can achieve all this simply by doing Kegel exercises.

Doing these exercises increase blood flow to your clitoris and vaginal wall thus giving you all the benefits stated above. Your husband will need to tense his muscles until his penis jumps. Obviously a firm erection will be easier to tell if his penis is jumping or not. These muscles force out his ejaculation and cause blood flow to his penis leading to a nice firm erection. These are the same muscles that stop urine flow for both men and women. When you are not urinating flex these muscles as though you are trying to stop the urine flow. As you are flexing these muscles you should also tighten your rectum like you are stopping gas from escaping. I know women don’t pass gas but let’s just pretend we do for this exercise. 😉 While you are flexing your anus do not clench your butt cheeks!! Flex these muscles for 5 seconds and then release. You can even do what is called elevator kegels. These are done by tightening your muscles slowly, stopping once in awhile like an elevator door opening and closing. Try picking an activity that you do often as a reminder. You can do them as you talk on the phone, during commercials or while you are checking out your favorite message board. It is recommended that you do these exercises three times a day for five minutes.

While you are flexing you can add some resistance with your fingers, your husband’s fingers, a dildo or your husband’s penis. Some women rave about Ben Wa Balls. These are inserted into the vagina and held in place by flexing these muscles. This next product has my curiosity peaked. It is called “Myself“. It isolates the muscles that need to be worked out. Apparently it also shows you your results. I am result driven and will be looking into purchasing one of these babies!!!

One of my friends has a hard time holding in her urine. If she laughs, sneezes, coughs or jumps there is no holding it back. I say “I know, you don’t have time to do kegels” in a tongue in cheek way because there is always time for kegels. Heck, just the fact that I will feel tighter to my husband was reason enough for me. OK, you got me. The fact that I can have stronger orgasms motivates me too. Wow, you people already know me so well!!

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Fun on Friday Nights

Have you been dating your husband? My husband and I continued dating after we got married and although we haven’t been going out consistently every week, it is a priority for us. Friday nights are the night we try to make it happen at LEAST once a month. Sometimes we double date with another couple or two, but most of the time it’s just us.

Date nights are beneficial because they remind you why you fell in love. They are times to rest and relax. Try not to “talk shop” while on your date nights. Although you may need to talk about some of the stressful parts of your day, don’t allow that to take up your entire conversation for the evening. Protect the time you have together and be intentional about loving on each other. Make it your mission to try to learn something new about your spouse every time you have a date. If you like dressing up, do it. Sometimes I run into people I know while I’m on a date and they ask, “What are you so dressed up for?” I tell them I like to make a little extra effort on date nights. If I feel sexy, I know I present myself to my husband as sexy so that goes a long way.

We have dated through seasons of plenty and seasons of need, seasons with kids and seasons without, seasons of high amorousness and seasons of feeling like we weren’t connecting on any level and I can tell you that beyond a shadow of a doubt, dating made every season better. Sometimes it took more creativity and sometimes it took great determination, but it was worth it every time.

If you are not in the habit of dating, surprise your husband one night. Make arrangements for a wonderful evening together and invite him to make dating a priority with you from now on.

Some Ideas for Date Night

Dinner and a movie

Swimming or skating at your local recreation center

Window shopping

Sipping lattes at a coffee shop

Visit the library and sit quietly together and look through your favorite magazines

Go for a walk

Visit the beach

See a concert or theatre production

Watch or participate in a sporting event

Rent a gaming system if you don’t have one

Go to the dollar store and spend $10 on something fun for your bedroom

Serve someone in need together (I wouldn’t recommend this for every date because it is not as focused on your relationship, but it does show you your spouse in a new light)

Plan and dream for this year and the years to come

Visit a zoo or an aquarium

Tour a vineyard or have your own private wine and cheese party

Mini golf or bowling

Visit a museum

Go to a book store and browse around. Try to find a book that would benefit your love life.

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