Has your husband ever asked you to touch yourself in front of him? Maybe he has, but you just weren’t comfortable with it. Maybe he’s hinted at it, but you don’t think you could. I’m hoping that by the end of this article, you’ll be reconsidering this.
Most men are visual. That’s why we talk about doing things to stimulate them visually, such as wearing lingerie, or stripping for them. Our husbands like it when we show them our bodies, and it’s even more erotic to them when they see us actually touching ourselves.
“But that is embarrassing and mortifying! I couldn’t possibly touch myself like that in front of my husband! What would he think of me?” Well, it could possibly be the most erotic thing he’s ever seen. It could stop him in his tracks and make him unable to take his eyes off you. It may light a fire in him. Why do you assume that he would think negatively of you doing this for him?
You do not need to start out doing everything all at once. The next time you are engaged in foreplay with your husband, move your own hand down your body a little. As he is kissing you, massage your own breasts. If he backs his head away to see what you are doing, offer him your breasts. You can hold them while he licks and sucks. Then let your hands travel lower, to your inner thighs. You don’t have to start out with anything hot and heavy. If you want, you can just trace around your labia. Don’t be surprised if your husband notices and starts to stare.
If you are self conscious about this, then ask him to help you. He can place his hand down there with yours, and start touching and rubbing you. You can actually let him guide you. Close your eyes and stop worrying about what you must look like. Instead, go with how it feels. Let the moment move you. Moan or breathe deeply if you feel the need. If you know that this is going to be well out of your comfort zone, then tell him beforehand that you will need some verbal affirmation. Ask him to tell you when he likes it, when it looks hot, when it’s driving him crazy. Tell him to whisper things in your ear that will rev you up and keep you going so that you don’t suddenly withdraw into a shell. When your husband is lying right there with you, and even helping you, it really does make it easier.
It may work better for you to try touching yourself while he is giving you oral sex. The next time he is down there with his face, try moving your hands and fingers all along your body. Caress your own breasts and squeeze your nipples if that’s what you like. Let him see that you are enjoying both his attentions and your own. Let your fingers wander lower, and start circling your own clitoris. He could continue to finger you internally while you are rubbing yourself. What an erotic sight you’ll be giving him.
It helps when you become an active participant in love making. If you haven’t ever been brave enough to try touching yourself for your husband, then I encourage you to think about it again. What a truly wonderful thing to do. Who else in the entire world is going to get this gift from you? No one, for this is surely one of the most intimate and private things we can do. Can you imagine how special he must feel to be the one that gets to see this?
If you have done the basics, and you are thinking about more advanced ideas, then stay tuned for my next article: Turning Up the Heat. I’ll describe some specific things you can do for that husband of yours that are a bit more daring.
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Christian Nymphos 
My husband has hinted around at it. At first I thought masterbation was wrong:( Then I thought and prayed about it. I knew God said that any thing sexualy between you and your spouse is ok as long as both of you are ok (besides the obdvious). Then suprisingly I was comfortable and I knew that was one of Gods way of saying ” you go girl and enjoy your husban it is ok”. Then I read this page and was totally releved. I often thought if other christian wifes were doing the same thing? Thank you for answering that for me!! I know I was not wrong for pleasing my husband in such erotic ways, but it is nice to have some support and openness out there.
I masturbated for the first time as a married woman. We were both virgins when we got married and both grew up in conservative christian homes [ and no; it wasn’t a teen marriage. My DHwas well into his 30’s and I was in my late 20’s at the time] Anyway you can imagine it certainly hasn’t been a smooth ride, and after almost 4yrs of marriage we are still learning. The thing is – my husband thinks masturbation IS a sin and won’t be convinced otherwise. I had to promise I’d never do it again even though I’ve had some of my most intense orgasms this way. Very occassionally I still do it , though secretly, and it’s always him I’m thinking about while I’m at it. I’ve never come with penetration, though with the first 3/4 thrusts it feels incredibly good. After that it just feels uncomfortable on the surface and I loose that nice deep inside feeling. I usually get my orgasms by grinding on his erect penis while he’s lying prone and he actually enjoys it. I think he was so relieved we’d found a means of making me come that He would’nt complain even if he did’nt. The problem is that I’m one of those strange women that wants sex more often than her husband [after 27 years of total abstinence I think I’m entitled to all I can get now.] He’s OK with 1ce or 2ce in a month and I would’nt mind everyday, so long as I’m not at that time of the month. We’ve talked about this thing exhaustively and nothing has changed much. He agrees that there’s no actual scripture that speaks against masturbation, but keeps quoting “all things are lawful but not all things are expedient”. I’ve tried to get him to come and watch me just 1ce while I used the phone shower and he refused flat out. I would really love for him to be a part of it instead of just imagining him being there. Funny thing is he has no hangups about oral sex; either giving it or recieving it. Please I would be immensely grateful if you could advice me as to what I could do. Thanks and God bless. The church NEEDS you guys!
Some of the other girls may have more advice, but it really sounds like you view masturbation very differently and I am not sure how you would resolve that short of continuing to communicate. Has he said why it makes him uncomfortable? Does it intimidate him that you get a better O through masturbation than through him? If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to pray about God bringing unity for the two of you on this issue. Ask Him to give you opportunities to talk about it openly without bitterness or judgment.
It’s more normal that you might realize for the wife to have the higher drive. Our society has given us a great misconception on that…
Browneyedgirl,
I just read your post and although I don’t have any advice further to what cinnamonsticks has alraedy said I felt I just had to comment on your “problem is that I’m one of those strange women who wants sex more than her husband”. I would just like to say, you are SO NOT STRANGE just for wanting more sex than your husband!! I too have a higher drive than my DH and I am coming to realise so too do many other perfectly normal and godly women. It is such a shame that society still feeds us the myth that all men want sex more than all women becuase then we are made to feel “strange” when there is absolutely nothing wrong with us! I have found this site to be so helpful and affirming of my sexual self (high drive and all) so hope you will stick around here too and in doing so, come to see yourself as less “strange”.
hi ladies, my friend just literally mentioned this website to me today and i decided to check it out. its absolutely brilliant!!! We are new to Christ i.e. myself and DH and we were sexually active b4 we got married. However, i have been struggling a bit with regards to what is right or wrong sexually biblically e.g. masturbation and noone has told me anything helpful until now. We have a baby girl now and this is my problem….my body has changed and tho my sex drive is still off the charts, i am shy to initiate sex with my DH cos of the physical changes. I used to masterbate in front of him with the lights in full glare but now, i am scared i may turn him off…wot do i do? Once again, thank you ladies for this WONDERFUL site….God bless you and your marriages
Thank you for your kind words, forevermine.
If you are feeling self conscious about your body you could always use soft candle light for a slight glow. I am betting that if you did take the plunge and put the lights on full glow that your husband would feel blessed and definitely not turned off. 😉
What is there to be embarrassed of, this is your husband. You need to have open communication outside the bedroom, and it’ll be much easier to talk about and do these things in the bedroom.this is such a routine thing for us I don’t even think about it anymore, but it still drives him wild,which in turn only makes me hotter.
I had always thought this would be nice if my wife did this. I will admit I even fantasized about it. After 30 + years of marriage I mustered up the courage to ask.
I am truly sorry I did. I hope she can forgive me.
Sorry to hear that Hank.
Did you use the word “masturbation?” Sometimes saying something more subtle is more effective.
“I love seeing you enjoying yourself in bed. It’s even nice when I see you stroke your breast or something sexy like that.”
Once you see their reaction to that, then you can take baby steps closer to what you want.
The word “masturbation” is a problem for a lot of people.
Hi Cinnamon, I asked her using the words “pleasuring herself” Masturbation sounds too clinical. I told her why I would I like to see it but it repulsed her. Ever since I asked her this has been held up to me as a source of ridicule. Maybe she is right; I am sick. I am glad to see that others are willing to do this to enhance and spice up their sex lives. Early in married life I used to think this was a dirty thing and would never consider asking my wife. After 30 years and after reading more about this, I got the courage to ask. I am not trying to hijack this thread ( please tell me if this another topic) but are we as humans designed to eventually lose interest in sex as we get older? What I am trying to say is are we designed to become bored thus lose desire as times goes on ? Is there a limit of how much sex we have over a lifetime? Sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening ( reading)
My opinion and understanding from the Lord is that marriages are meant to be growing in constant intimacy including sexual satisfaction and unity.
One thing you may not have noticed in your post is that 30 years ago you thought this was dirty, and now you don’t. Your wife appears to still view it that way.
While it is frustrating to you, can you empathize with your wife that she still sees it the way you used to? It may be an inaccurate view, but it’s one you yourself held as well.
I know you have a difficult relationship in some regards with your wife, but I know that it is not without hope, because I know God. I know that He can bring healing to both of you.
I pray that God will make a way for you two to begin playing on the same team rather than coming together from opposing sides. I do empathize with your situation, Hank.
Hank, I ditto everything Cinnamonsticks has said, you ladies are very insightful thanks. May I offer some advice. First of all don’t appoligize for wanting to spice things up a bit, appologize only for making her uncomfortable.I’m not sure what her religous background is but this can play a huge role in our sex lives. I am a very fundamental independant baptist girl and have been for over 40 years. It is only by the grace of God and great parents that I’ve never struggled with these issues the way most of my friend have and still do. I’m a big fan of prayer, so I would give it to the Lord, and ask him to change your wifes heart and give you patience to wait for her. “The effectual ferverent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” God wants us to be happy in our marriages and have intimacy with our spouse in the way he designed it.I say this assuming Christ is indeed the Lord of both of your lives. You can also seek wise counsel in the form of many christian books on this subject.
Hank, you might also benefit from reading the interview we did with a woman who was a refuser at one point and is now a passionate wife. Here story is here. Her husband really loved her as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. I don’t really know how you and your wife relate so I am not assuming that you don’t love your wife, but I do know for most women who came to a place of freedom in their sexuality, that they had husbands who loved them and were devoted to them no matter what. I just wouldn’t want to have you miss this key.
Cinnamon, thanks for that article. I read it and found some insight. For me, the difficult part is perception of rejection and ridcule. There is a saying used quite when dealing with married people ” I have needs too” . As I stated earlier, I dont want to hijack this thread with sounding off. I appreciate your extra comments on this topic. I will wait until I see an article about how staying inside the box ( sexually) can be boring or something like that. Thanks
hank,
this is not my hangup, but i have other hangups.
if my husband asked me to do something i was not comfortable with i might react badly.
however, understand it is her hangup. i would go with,
“i am sorry honey. i just love you, and am attracted to you. i did not mean to embarass you. you mean the world to me. i was just trying to see if there was something that you would like that i am not doing for you. whatever you want i want to do”
you are not sick, but she may just not be comfortable with that.
i was so relieved to see this website. i love and enjoy sex with my husband SO much! we bond so closely that is unbelieveable. he pulls me in to him as close as he can while we are having sex. the only thing is, i haven’t had an orgasm because he won’t rub my clit while we are doing it..when that is really all i need instead of penetration. and this site helped me talk to him about it and now our sex is going to be incredible. i can’t wait until he gets home tonight. and the best part about it is, it’s not wrong because we are married under God and so in love. 🙂
Talk to your husband about it? If you feel less sexy due to the changes from pregnancy/delivery and are afraid to do some of the things you did in the past…tell him. You might be surprised at what you hubby has to say. I had put on some weight and my DH couldn’t be more pleased. He says it gives him something more “to hang on to” and he assured me that he loves my curves more than the sharper edges before. Hubby says that men in general really do like a little extra meat on their woman…I was feeling a little too fluffy myself, but he said, don’t you dare lose one pound…I love you the way you are…you are perfect for me. Also, I believe that when we truly LOVE our spouses the way God intends for us to, there are no physical imperfections. True love really sees past all of that. Bottom line, if YOU don’t like what YOU see, then get an exercise video, take a bath, and pamper yourself! Be kind to yourself…you are worth it.
Take steps to make small improvements over time for your general overall health and peace of mind! Take care not to make the physical appearance your main focus. Inner beauty is so much more important…the external will fade over time. Some of the most beautiful people I know aren’t attractive bu the world’s standards but by the Lord’s…they always have a smile on their face and laughter in their hearts. Their spirit just shines forth like the Sun! Take care and may God show you how truly beautiful you are!
Dh & I are simultaneously growing in our sex life… Not an “awakening”, we’ve always seen our intimacy as an act of worship & an incredible gift from our loving Father, but now we are getting more comfortable with exploring outside the “tab A into slot B” routine. Once we were bravely sharing our thoughts, & he told me this is something he would really like. I WANT to do this, just because I’m all about pleasing him… It’s my biggest thrill. BUT, I know it would be totally fake, which would be thus opposite of the whole point. Touching myself is something I just do NOT enjoy. I don’t think it’s “wrong”, it just doesn’t feel nice at all. It’s sort of a cross between picking my nose & tickling my own foot- it’s a part of my own body, but that doesn’t mean I like touching it, & I *can* produce a reflex twitching of muscles that is clinically an orgasm, but just like my foot will twitch when I tickle it even though it doesn’t “tickle”. It only tickles my foot if someone else does it, & orgasm only fees good if he does it. He doesn’t pressure me AT ALL, didn’t even ask for it, just shared that it would be a huge turn on. I wish I could, but touching myself is such a turn off for me that I’ve learned to be very careful in bed to not even accidentally brush against myself during transitions, it’s a killer. Not sure why I’m writing this, or what advice I want to get, because I don’t really even want to “learn” to enjoy it, but I’m sad because he was so brave to share his dreams, & it’s something I can’t do. )-: )-: )-:
Would it turn you on seeing it through his eyes? Does knowing how hot he finds you change things?
It’s great to have the freedom to enjoy the marriage bed without putting pressure on yourself. If this is something you want to try, go for it. If it doesn’t work, that’s fine. If you don’t want to do it, that’s fine too. I’m sure the two of you have plenty of other ways to please each other too…. It’s just that if he has said that he would enjoy it, I can’t see how it wouldn’t be worth a try. If you decide to try it, consider what he is thinking more than what you are feeling.
Whew! Good questions… Showed me part of myself I didn’t quite realize was there. Would it turn me on to see it thru his eyes! No. I’d retch & leave the room, & avoid me for a week, & always have icky memory flashbacks that made me hesitant for sex. Does it change things knowing how hot he finds me? I just can’t wrap my mind around him finding me hot. I can make him feel good, yes. But me, hot? Nope. I find myself pretty disgusting & don’t see how anyone else could do otherwise. I guess that explains my hesitation, as well as knowing that the look on my face would be a combination of “eeeewewww” and “hurry up & get this over with”.
Sad at myself for my incapability of fulfilling the one fantasy he’s ever shared with me. I’ve always thought I’d do ANYTHING if I knew he wanted it. I still feel that way… Anything but that I guess. )))-:
As I re-read the original article, I realized there is some selfish fear here too. I’m afraid if I do anything myself, then I’ll “get” less from him. Which would be double bad since my own attentions bring no pleasure.
It’s so interesting how we are all different. I love embracing the idea that I can do things that make my husband see me as hot. But then I have other things I struggle with that you may not. Good thing we can talk to each other about our struggles. 🙂
“I find myself pretty disgusting & don’t see how anyone else could do otherwise.”
How to reply to that kindly, while still voicing my thoughts…
I used to have a problem with this, but usually am kinda ‘over it’ though I still have bad days when I feel like an absolutely hideous person.
But I think women should try to accept complements from their husbands and believe then, instead of arguing, whether mentally or actually verbally disagreeing. When we can’t accept complements, for example, sometimes I think what we’re really saying that the way we view ourselves is the only way to view ourselves. Take it from someone who has hurt her husband’s feelings many times by an argument that goes something like this:
Me: I feel fat.
him: but you look pretty and you are pregnant – not fat.
Me: Yes I am. I’m fat and ugly
him: no, I know you better than anyone and I say you are gorgeous and sexy and beautiful and that is a great color on you and you look so nice.
Me: would you stop being so argumentative and just shut up b/c i am fat! (throws nearest pillow at that mean husband.)
uh, we can stop there. It’s not pretty. What DH heard, what I was saying without consciously realizing it, was this: I have a strong opinion about myself and refuse to listen to yours b/c I know you are wrong.
Am I condemning you for pride? no, I’m not. BUT, I am saying that I had a similar problem with not being able to see myself as beautiful, like he does, and for me it was a pride issue. I don’t think it is in every case.
Still, whether you end up M-ing for your hubby or not (my man isn’t really interested in that type of thing at all, so that’s not where I’m coming from) I’d encourage you to try to accept how he feels about you as the real truth, and how you feel about yourself as mere perception.
maybe, and I’m not sure I can word it how I mean it, but maybe you can eventually learn to see yourself as sexy and hot and beautiful b/c your husband sees you as sexy and hot and beautiful.
If you’ve been married awhile, it might be harder to do this.
And even if you get to where you can accept that he does see you as hot, there will probably still be days when you just don’t get it, or even can’t accept it. (Sometimes it might be b/c of hormones, and other times b/c he’s been a jerk and made you feel like he didn’t value you…)
Anyways, I’m not sure where you are on any of this, and I hope I don’t offend you. I’m certainly not implying that you’re bad in some way b/c you find yourself disgusting. I just want you to be set free, like I am being set free, to feel beautiful (or sexy or whatever 😀 ) b/c your husband finds you that way and he CHOSE you to be his bride, b/c God created you as the perfect match for your man, and b/c you are made in the image of God. It is such an amazing feeling to just be able to bask in the love that my darling has for me, sometimes in the afterglow (I love that word) I just snuggle up to my man and smile.
“what are you thinking?” he asks.
“I’m beautiful, aren’t I?” (I know this b/c he has let me see it, and I’ve been able to see it)
he smiles – “yes, you are”
and I seldom see him much happier than he looks in those moments.
Remember, that man that chose you, the one you love, he LOVES YOU, and he wants your body and he enjoys it. Or at least it seems that I can infer all that 😀
Okay, I’m done writing my book for now 😀
Good answer cinnamonsticks. I haven’t come across any of your answers I disagree with. You have done a wonderful job. Something that worked wonders for me was to pray, pray, pray. My husband and I had a huge disagreement a couple of months ago (biggest in 20 years of marriage). I thought he wanted to leave me after it. I spent an afternoon and evening as a truly broken woman and literally cried out to God to help me. I prayed that God would turn me into the wife that my husband desired and I meant it with all my heart. Within 24 hours I had done a 180. Before this change sex 3 or 4 times a month was ok with me, and very traditional sex at that. Now I’m ready to go 3 or 4 times a week and so open and willing to try whatever he wants. I have truly given myself over to him the way God intended. This is very unusual for a 43 year old woman and when I told my gynecologist she said it must have been Devine intervention because that kind of change was unheard of at my age. My husband is LOVING the new change!
Please pray about this and ask God to do the same for you. Feel it in your heart, want it in your heart!! Cry out to God for it. I never would have imagined masturbating in front of my husband but it’s always been something he’s wanted me to do. The first time I did it was an incredibly erotic experience for both of us! I’ll admit beforehand I had gone through it several times in my head as far as where it would be and where he would sit and what I would do. That seemed to help alot. He also made suggestions as I was touching myself and when I obeyed those wishes he really got excited!
My husband is very pleased that I have a larger sex drive than him.
My husband loves watching me play with my self in front of him. I don’t know if this will help but ask him if he would like you to show yourself off to him, Then have him encourage you while you do it. BTW my husband enjoys it more now that I am pregnant than before.
My husband is a happy camper with my high sex drive as well. If it were my husband I would do really sexy things like wear sexier clothing inside the house, and talk suggestively to him often. That usually works subliminally, even if his sex drive doesnt take off suddenly, he’s half crazy by the end of the day.
My first experience with this was exciting and nerve wracking at the same time, but I grew to be comfortable doing it in front of my dh pretty fast when I saw how much he enjoyed watching. I strongly suggest you women out there talk your husbands into doing this. Our marriage has only grown stronger since.
Oh my word!!! Never in my wildest dreams could I have dreamed that my sex life could change so dramatically. All I can say is thank you for sharing so openly about an area that is usually kept under tight wraps. I have never touched myself in front my hubby and I have always considered masturbation as a dirty little secret. But upon reading all the encouragement on this site I decided to give it a go. So I ambushed dear hubby as he was getting ready to go to work, I stripped and touched myself while he watched. He couldn’t take his eyes off me (i feel like it is the first time in forever that he really looked at me and enjoyed looking) – his response was so rewarding. Our marriage is heading toward a new space (something we are need of), I can not say thank you enough .
Wow! Good for you. So exciting that it worked out well. I have never had the nerve, and not sure if DH would like it or not. Hmmm…
Lyndsey,
I found found such powerful orgasms while making love with my husband. This has been accomplished by me stimulating myself while he is inside of me. We generally climax together (as we can time it depending on when I start rubbing). What I mean to say is that you don’t have to wait for him to stimulate you, my husband gets very turned on when I begin touching myself (again, while he’s inside me). I would suggest giving it a try next time. Also, and I hope this isn’t complicated – after awhile of loving in the missionary position, we switch the position of our legs with his on the outside and mine on the inside. It creates a fantastic pressure (tightness) and makes for the most intense orgasms. I highly recommend it.
I found CN doing a google search on this subject in July and I have to say it is one of my favorite sites. And though he hasn’t looked at it yet it is also one of my H’s 😉
So now that I am getting into the toy thing I bought a bullet a couple of weeks ago and last night for the first time, lights on H helped me use it. I started and he was loving watching then he took over searching for just the right spot. WOW!! total hotness. We ended up in cowgirl with it between us…sigh..
I’ve tried doing this, but I can’t seem to make it work. I also can’t bring myself to do a strip-tease. I feel disgusting.. maybe because I relate actions like this to porn stars and sluts. I know my husband has seen plenty of those kinds of woman.. and I’m afraid that if I were to act this way or do that, then he would be reminded of them and compare me to them (unintentionally, of course). I am his wife! I want to be set apart from those other woman and never be brought to their level!
I wish I could get over my fears and not feel so disgusting. I would love to have that kind of intimacy with my husband!!! ❤
I cannot imagine not masturbating for my husband. This is how he learned about my body, how to touch me, where to touch me, what to do when, when you get more aggressive, etc. Use it to teach yourself and then your husband about your body, learn as a couple and you will reap the benefits of joyous sex!
carla i just came across your post but i hope you read this….
i take that you’ve been hurt by your husband?maybe porn? you sound just like i felt awhile ago. my husband stuggled with porn and stuff and it killed what little self confidence i had. he would suggest things and even though i never verbalized it,it was so repulsive to me that he would want me to do things that he had seen in the porn videos,like i was some whore for him to use.the things weren’t really wrong,i just carried this chip on my shoulder because of what he had done.i didn’t want to be compared. i didn’t want to make him remember. i wasn’t performing for him! i was his wife and he needed to show me that he really cared about me first. but i got to the point after much crying out to God,that i needed to fight for my marriage. if i needed to learn how to be seductive like a porn star then i would! i took on the attitude of i’m his wife and i can do it better! i’m very conservative but it would knock peoples socks off if they what i do and say in the bedroom ! which is a turnon for hubby 😉 it took me awhile to feel comfortable doing these things,like i was lowering my standards,but once i took that first step,never have i felt like i was sinning…i’m pleasing my husband and that is pleasing God. i just want to encourage you to go for it! you have nothing to feel disgusting about! he married you so obviously he finds you attractive! i know it’s so scary and you feel so self conscious but the more you do it the better it gets! i’m no veteran on this subject,it has taken me over a year just to start feeling a bit of confidence.but every baby step i have taken, God has taken and made the result so much more than i could have imagined! just knowing that i please him enough for him to be able to resist all the temptations he faces,gives me more confidence and determination to make his fantasies come true. i just started playing with myself for him and our sex life has done a 180. it can only get better.
don’t settle for a mediocre marriage.it’s the only one you’ll get!