I want to let you in on a little secret… I have trouble achieving orgasm through intercourse. And I know that I’m not alone. I also know that it has nothing to do with my husband because he’s always been a very attentive and passionate lover. Through out the years, he has always made sure that I reach orgasm either through oral sex or manual stimulation, but there is always something so special, to the both of us, when I can orgasm while having sex.
We’ve been at this for over ten years and the story has always been the same. Every once in a while, the planets align (or something like that!) and I will have an orgasm during sex. A few months back, I had an epiphany of sorts… maybe I could teach myself to orgasm through intercourse! A couple of years ago, we introduced sex toys into a regular part of our foreplay. I was amazed at how quickly I learned to orgasm from those, so that made my wheels begin to turn. Instead of just using them during foreplay, now we often incorporate a vibe during sex. My thinking is that maybe I can train my body into recognizing what it feels like to orgasm with my husband inside of me.
I am blessed because my husband is not intimidated by the incorporation of something extra into our repertoire. It provides a great visual for him and great stimulus for me… but is my experiment working? Am I able to orgasm during sex without the use of a vibe? I wish that I could say that the results have been immediate and outstanding, but I know that anything worth achieving demands a lot of practice and I’m willing to put in that work. However, I do believe that since I have started this journey that my ability to orgasm during sex without the use of anything extra has increased by a little. It’s a jumping off point that I’m willing to accept. And I’m so thankful that I can thoroughly enjoy lovemaking even though I don’t orgasm from it on a regular basis.
If you are one of those ladies who also have orgasm difficulties, please be of good cheer even during the frustrating times. You may want to experiment to find something that works for you, and then continue building from there. For me, it was making a conscious decision that this was something that I’d be willing to work through. It was also finding a position that worked (which for me is WOT, Cowgirl style) and taking some other good orgasm advice… like making sure I’m relaxed and enjoying the moment and when the moment seems to be on it’s way to tighten up my kegel muscle. But, I think the best thing that I do is enjoy my husband no matter what the outcome may be.
Just because I can’t always orgasm through intercourse doesn’t mean that I’m deficient in the lovemaking department! It just means that I’m a work in progress! I’m hoping that in the months to come that I have some more good news to report.
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Christian Nymphos 
Hi Sugar and Spice,
Has your orgasm rate increased. I have the same issue, and count on one hand how many times i have o’d during intercourse in the last 11 years of marriage. Thankfully i have a patient hubby, and he is willing to work with me. Maybe I will try something like you suggested.
Thank you for you website, it has opened dialogue between my mate and given me more to ponder on subjects you just can’t find a Christian perspective on in print.
cidergirl567
About my ability to O through intercourse only, that’s a bit of a rollercoaster. Sometimes I’ll be able to in WOT several sessions in a row. Then, I’ll try it again and it just won’t happen. And, no breakthroughs yet in any other positions. But, I’m not discouraged! And better than that… I’m a very satisfied woman no matter how I achieve orgasm.
Thank you so much for the nice words, cidergirl. Blessings to you on your journey!
I am not ashamed to say that we use a small vibrator most every time we have intercourse to stimulate me and help achieve orgasm. We have been doing so for at least a few years. Sure, we’d like to make love “all natural,” but we live in an imperfect world with imperfect bodies, and so, once we have the time alone and energy to have sex, you better believe we both want to make the most of it! So, we aren’t afraid to take advantage of technology!
I’ll also admit that before I found this site I was a little uncomfortable with the idea of using “toys,” however my dh was not at all, so I enjoyed it to some degree. But since reading through much of this websiteI have been freed from the mentality that a little electronic device is a bad thing just because it is used during sex. I thoroughly enjoy my Os now!
I wonder what the physiological basis of women not usually having Os during intercourse. Or is it all cultural?
It seems unfair that such a beautiful act not automatically end in glorious climax every time.
I wonder if some of it has to do with structural biology? Are some women shaped in a certain way that is different than others?
I think genetics may play a part. Some women have a lower threshold while others have a higher one. I’ve always thought of it as a difference in sensitivity rather then being structurally different. The percentage of women who have orgasms via intercourse alone is less than 50%….so most women do need extra stimulation.
I don’t have trouble achieving multiple orgasms but I orgasm in a way I have never heard described as a technique. I am posting in case there are others whose bodies might work like mine and they haven’t figured them out yet.
Typically we like to start with an oral orgasm (although that took practice and was harder than through intercourse initially) and I am highly sensitized. Then my husband enters (on top, missionary) and thrust a few times then I have him go deep and hold his position. This way his penis is placing pressure on what I assume is my G-spot. With my legs bent 90 degrees, heels in the air, I (don’t laugh) rapidly move my legs back and forth, which causes my hips to tilt forward and backward and which causes my G-spot to rub against his penis. It doesn’t take long before I orgasm. We usually do this 3-5 times until we are too tired. Sometimes my husband can’t hold back any longer and we orgasm together. My husband has more detailed information about what he does to achieve this. He says he thrusts up at an angle so that his penis is pressed against the front of my vagina and he has to contract his abs to stay in this position.
This has been part of our love making for years and it works really well. I never used to be able to orgasm with oral stimulation, but God bless my husband he just never gave up. So before I could orgasm orally we would use our missionary technique every time. The first orgasm is usually the hardest but then they just keep coming. If you are trying this out for the first time you may want to try using a toy first to get things going. This sort of orgasm is so satisfying and I just want to keep going. I have also noticed that it feels different if we only orgasm missionary style and I might even say it is more intense, but it does take more initial work.
I don’t know if anyone else has done this, or tried it but I don’t think I have ever had a WOT orgasm and this is a sure thing for me. I hope that helps someone!!
I have found after having our girls that i lost so much muscle tone due to the prgnancies, episiotamies, stiching and bone injuries, that it has taken a lot of ben wah balls, kaegles and belly dancing to get me back in the shape neccesary to O durring.
My husband and I were just talking last night about how come this wonderful thing of sex is so difficult to maintain and fully enjoy. It doesn’t seem fair, as someone earlier said. OUr conclusion is that God loves our journey and our struggles. He loves that we have to continue to strive for perfection. Through frustrations and difficulties God blesses our devotion and communication. I am so excited that we will always be on this journey toward sexual perfection. Honesty, I think that we would all go crazy if we knew that we had reached the height of sexual oneness with our husbands. God always has a “next step” for us.
you should trying having him rubbing your cliterious while he is in you. that way when you are close to orgasm he can move his easier than a toy
I am sorry what does WOT mean?
Thank you!
“Woman On Top” position, sometimes known as the “Cowgirl” position. 🙂
In the early years of our marriage I was not able to orgasm unless through oral sex. After a few years I was able to have orgams through regular intercourse. But I am only able to have one orgasm then my body and my climax completely drop to zero. How do I teach myself or learn how to keep going and have more? We try different positions and things but still only have one. I use to think if I could just have one how wonderful it would be, and it is! But I wish I could keep those good feelings going longer. Help! 🙂
You mean that after one O, you’re not aroused anymore?
Hmm, my suggestion would be to have your husband keep touching your body after you O but try having him NOT touching your clitoris or any of those very sensitive spots – maybe just rubbing your thighs or something and stay snuggled, then in a second, if you’re feeling aroused, you can keep going more.
I dunno, once you’ve been able to have many O’s, you can have them all in a very quick string like some ppl talk about (but this seldom happens for me… ANd I don’t mind at all.)
But I think every woman’s body is very different, and in fact, sometimes it seems like every woman is NOT ONLY different from other woman, but different froim what she herself was last night or last week 😀
I have only been married 3 months. My husband and I both waited for sex until our wedding night and we feel horribly let down. We’ve spent many sleepless nights, depressed days, and frustrating tears in what are supposed to be our wonderful newlywed days of sex. I have had probably 5 orgasms from intercourse while we have sex at least once a day. To me this has been a horrible upset. I feel like I am not “one” with my husband from this act because this has only shown me how segregated we are. If we are participating as one then we should finish as one. I was totally free and relaxed, expecting orgasms at the beginning but now the frustration has gotten us both down. I have no interest anymore because the pain of upset is more than the moments of pleasure that he gets from it. At this point we have decided that no sex would be easier than even trying. My husband is a wonderful man who despite being only 22, he can last a long time but I still can’t seem to get there. I am 25 and I don’t want to have to incorporate toys into our marriage bed. I want to make love to my husband, not a vibrating rubber object! He can manually stimulate me but that doesn’t satisfy me, it only makes me feel like I’m settling for less and my sexually has been cheapened to a hand job. We don’t participate in oral because both of us find it quite disgusting and have no interest whatsoever. We are at our whits ends and the biggest part has been the feeling of letdown from God. I will never denounce my God but I feel very unloved and let down by being created in such a way(and women in general) that doesn’t even seem to be designed for pleasure. Sure we can get it, but not the way a man can so I feel very much like the second-hand creation who’s desires don’t seem to matter. Please help, we are desperate and completely broken.
My opinion is that you need to expand your perspective of what good sex means. If the only sex that you feel can join you intimately is intercourse and that it is only meaningful if you orgasm from it at the same time, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. That is not God’s fault. He created men and women differently for a reason. Real love making happens when it goes beyond “put this there and then you get that.” Trust me, I fully understand the disappointment in having trouble achieving orgasm, but I think that the mindset you have right now is going to make your situation worse, rather than helping you to move through this and strengthen your marriage. In order to make good love, you can’t enter into it with a negative attitude.
You have many years ahead of you to grow in intimacy and I commend you for trying to find the help you need. Have you and your husband talked a lot about what you enjoy and don’t enjoy? What turns you on in foreplay and what turns you on during sex? What you find sexy? I just want to encourage you to maintain a healthy mindset and to expand your options for how he will stimulate you beyond PIV (penis in vagina) sex. And don’t put undo pressure on yourself. Keep seeking out godly information about sex. Consider a Bible study of the Song of Songs (You will find a link to a sermon series on SOS if you search for “Peasant Princess” at our blog.)
I did not enter into this with a negative attitude. I came into marriage with a very excited, experimental, wonderful outlook and only found disappointment. My husband and I have done a Song of Songs study. He is a Biblical scholar and I have spent many years in work with the church so we have a very solid foundation. A month ago we moved to Scotland because God has called us to be missionaries. We are hoping to find some sort of counseling because we are so desperate but it’s hard when you’ve moved countries. Yes my husband knows what I enjoy and what I don’t enjoy but since I’ve had so much let down, I can’t even get turned on anymore. And yes he can stimulate me from more than PIV sex but I want to be one with him during sex. My sexual frustration is overwhelming and consuming if I can’t get an orgasm from intercourse. I don’t like this terrible anger and frustration but it is my body’s natural response to not being able to be satisfied from the act I’ve been working at. Call me a female sexual feminist if you must but I simply can’t except this terrible inequality. God created sex to physically create us as one, yet statistically a staggering amount of women can’t even finish the deed. God also created sex for pleasure yet He put our clitoris so far away from our vagina that we have to make sex an acrobatic show to attempt hitting the right spot. Luckily my husband is very supportive, using his background in Biblical studies to now be studying Gender History, that he doesn’t like the idea of participating with a wife who can’t equally enjoy sex. I know ‘nature’ is against me and women are just different but this is a huge disappointment to wait your entire life for and just be a vessel of your husband’s pleasure and for my own pleasure to just be written off as “just how I was made”. This is where we are both hopeless is because you can’t picket God and have equality in sex. I guess to me that is just the worst future I can see myself subject to living.
Married Maggie,
This quote stuck out to me, “If we are participating as one then we should finish as one.” I think the first 10 years of my marriage, this was my train of thought. I thought the ultimate goal in sex was to climax together, and it was a very rare occasion in our marriage when this did happen. It was frustrating, hurtful and I completely understand what you are feeling. I’ve been there, too. During this time, for me, it felt very unfair that it would take nothing at all for my DH to orgasm, but I never did.
But I was wrong to think that.
What was Jesus’ purpose on Earth? To serve. He did not expect one thing in return when he did something for someone. Sex with our spouse is like that, too. The one thing I learned is that it isn’t about who orgasms and who doesn’t. Sometimes it’s about giving. There are times when my DH works so hard to get an orgasm to come for me, but I can tell when it’s not gonna work, so I tell him that it’s okay for him to climax without me. After my cycle when we haven’t had sex in literally 4-5 days, that first time we make love, I expect that he won’t be able to hold out. When he tells me that he’s sorry he can’t hold on anymore, I tell him it is okay for him to finish. I try to explain to him more often than not that I enjoy the intimacy of making love to him, but I don’t always expect the pleasure to be there…but the pleasure of him being inside me, his skin close rubbing next to mine, kissing him…to me, that is more important than the orgasm…the bond I am creating with him by giving myself to him…I get saddened when he doesn’t orgasm inside me because part of my pleasure is feeling him orgasm.
When you first get married, it isn’t easy, and I would encourage you to not let yourself get too frustrated and angry over this. Treat it as a learning experience. You have A LOT of years with your husband to fine tune your sex life. Once you and he find your groove, sex is going to be glorious. I encourage you and your husband to continue to pray about it and pray for each other. I am sure that you are doing that already. When you are making love, you are glorifying God and what he created to be beautiful in your marriage bed. Ask him to show you what you need to be doing to make sex a wonderful experience. We get caught up in doing things our way, and sometimes forget that our way isn’t always the best way. God patiently sits back and waits for the time we are ready to do it his way. God’s way is the best way!
Praying for you and your hubby in the mission field! God bless you!
It is not usual for my wife and I to orgasm together. Usually one of us will come first and then the other. But if we choose to come together sometimes, we take our time to build arousal, and then either she or I stimulates her(self) manually while having intercourse. This way we find we can orgasm together
Married Maggi, what you are writing moves my heart. I understand that your experiences are making you feel sad. Some thoughts came to my mind that I would like to share: 1. Congratullation on your strength and perseverance to wait until marriage with sex. 2. You started with very hight expectations. Now, sex, intimacy are not automated processes. There is a lot to learn, and a lot of communicating with each other. Let me give you an illustration: when my daughter started to play drums, we didn’t start after her first lesson by recording our first number 1 hit cd. I play piano and we had to do a lot of excercises until we reached a good level of playing together. I tell this example to help you understand that it takes time in lovemaking too. When you just start, whether you nor your husband are knowing a lot about each others way of feeling and reacting. So maybe just start finding out what is enjoying you and what is enjoying your husband. Don’t start with only thinking of reaching orgasm, but start with doing together what is pleasant for you. So you start enjoying the way that will bring you there, and when you will get there, you’ll be thankfull. A good exercise, that has nothing to do with sex: take a walk with your husband and while you’re walking, both of you will try to find the same rhythm for a while with out talking. This will help to create a harmony by watching the other one walking. You will notice, all dough it sounds simple, that each one has to pay attention to the other to keep the same rhythm. Another thought, then i WILL CLOSE: KEEP A GOOD COMMUNION WITH THE Lord, FOR WHOM YOU ARE WORKING. Bring TO HIM YOUR SADNESs, LAY DOWN BLAMING AND ACCUSING at his feeds. The CREATOR MADE THINGS PERFECTLY, UNFORTUNATELY THROUGH HUMANS FALLING UNPERFECTION CAME ALONG. i WISH THAT YOU WILL FIND A LOT OF BLESSING IN SERVING THE Lord. So START AGAIN BY LOOKING TO HIM, THE PERFECT ONE. How CAN YOU HELP OTHERS TO RECOGNISE THE Lord AS PERFECT and loving ONE, IF YOU’RE HOLDING UNSaddISFACTION IN YOUR HEART… Hold ON, PERSEVERE. You HAD THE STRENGTH TO WAIT UNTILL MARRIAGE. God WILL GIVE YOU EVEN MORE STRENGTH TO GO ON ON TRYING, SO THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP. The day will come when you will praise him for the gift of love and intimacy and sex that he has given to you and for the joy that you will find in sharing this gift with your husband. Blessings IN THE NAME OF THE Lord, DON’T FORGET, Jesus LOVES YOU!!!
MarriedMaggie,
I understand what you are feeling. I have been married for 11 years. At first I did not understand why I couldn’t always O during intercourse. I remember the frustration, and hurt, know one told me that making love would not always be easy. It has taken my husband and I many years to figure out how to please each other. This is because we had know one to go to with our ?’s. I encourage you and your husband to Communicate, Pray, and keep using Cristian Nymphos to help encourage your relationship. Good things are worth having patience with! God has put you and your husband together and he will bless you! I moved away from family after I got married. It was really hard on me. My husband and I went to Bible College. Satin really messed with our minds. Don’t allow him to get you down. We have four children, been married 11 years, and are still learning all that God wants for our lives. That includes our sex lives. Let God take control of your thoughts! I will pray for you! lol! Try to be open to new ideas and cherish the few moments that you both O together!
oh i already know what’s killing it for me. when we first got married i was on birth control so we were able to have great sex. i would have an orgasm 1 out of 5 times we were together. the birth control, however, was not agreeing w/ my body making me feel pregnant and nauseous for an entire year strait, i gave up on it and tossed it all out. but then we had a baby so you know how that is…
we now use condoms and i swear they kill everything from the start up to the finish. he’s tried every kind under the sun for the last 2 years and iv not had an orgasm since! i just don’t like them at all. we definitely don’t want anymore children so we never risk it w/ out them. i hate doctors and especially them doing any type of female procedures but im going to get an iud as soon as possible. that’s the only hope there is for me to get back to having the time of my life. wish me luck
We don’t enjoy condoms either! In fact, we hate them. 🙂 I would encourage you to do your research on BC options, though. An IUD could be a problem, both morally, as well as physically. (I do like my diaphragm!) In the meantime, I would encourage you to learn to use FAM (fertility awareness method), which would allow you to skip the condoms for a good 2/3 of your cycle.
Just because you choose an IUD does not mean you will get away from the hormonal side-effects. Even Mirena (what seems to be the most widely marketed IUD these days) does contain hormones, too:
http://www.mirena-us.com/faqs/index.jsp#30
Q
What about the hormones in Mirena?
A
Mirena contains levonorgestrel, a progestin hormone commonly used in birth control pills. The low level of progestin in Mirena is safe and effective. Mirena is the only form of birth control that releases very small doses of progestin over time, directly into your uterus. Mirena does not contain estrogen.
In the meantime, some careful outercourse may allow you to enjoy bringing him to release without wearing a condom. And I must say that “bare-backed” sex with my husband grinding into my breasts or into my back is amazingly hot and sensual.
You may need to discuss what kind of a climax you may want/need if you go that route. If your husband just really gets worn out, and needs to sleep, post-climax, then you may both need to decide that you need to make sure that you (the wife) gets lots of fore-play, a hand job, some oral, or something, before-hand. Or, maybe this time you will just not climax–but can choose to bless him.
Sometimes I climax just from seeing the pleasure I am giving. Sometimes. 🙂
Blessings on you. I do hope you are encouraged, and don’t get upset that I am not encouraging you to go the IUD route.
One more thing. Keeping your panties on during outercourse is a great reminder for both of you to not “forget” and have “unprotected” PIV intercourse. When we were practicing FAM without barriers, we would always laugh at how wet my panties got from all of my secretions.
Dear MarriedMaggie,
I’ve been married 22 years and have been on a long, long, long journey to finally find out that the problem was not God’s but mine. I felt exactly the same as you. I can’t believe there is someone out there that is suffering like I did. My husband and I saved ourselves for marriage and I was looking forward to that wonderful glorious fulfilment of marriage with intercourse and was bitterly disappointed. So we practiced and practiced. I sometimes achieved orgasm but it wasn’t anything “world shattering”. I thought what’s going on? I didn’t share my frustration with my husband though, I just built up feelings of resentment. I couldn’t even stand the word “sex”.. I spat it out of my mouth. And “God” … I wanted to hate Him for making women “so wrong”! But Maggie I’ve had a long journey and finally after years of frustration I found it was my sin all along, not God! My husband patiently stuck by me throughout this time and also was angry at God because we weren’t intimate. He finally realised he was trying to “fix” my problem in his own strength. So he confessed to God that he was doing it in his own strength and humbly acknowledged God as sovereign and gave the problem to God. So God started His work on me. Firstly I had to admit my sin of fooling around with other guys before marriage. I didn’t have sexual intercourse so I thought I was a virgin. I had to finally confess to God and my husband my sin that I wasn’t a virgin in God’s eyes and confess my sin of pride that I was holding up like a great white glorious flag of purity. And then I had to apologise to my husband because he was trying to tell me all along but a sinner doesn’t listen, a sinner keeps thinking they’re not a sinner. But that was not the end of the journey yet. Finally I was able to enjoy a much better relationship with my husband who for years and years was saying to me that I wasn’t intimate with him.
There was another sin. I was secretly fantasizing every time I had sex. I had from as early as 12 years old masturbated and trained my mind to fantasize to get orgasm. I took that into marriage. The only time I got an orgasm was by fantasizing. My husband “knew” that I wasn’t intimate with him but he didn’t know why. Two weeks ago I confessed. Humbly before my God I told Him I was sorry. God also revealed to me the source of my fantasy and it was linked to my childhood. I was able to forgive the person who caused the sinful thoughts. Wow! I was free. The shackles were gone. My husband and I made love and then the most amazing thing happened. My sexual experience was “universe shattering”. We are now one flesh. So if I can give you advice based purely on our experience I’ll tell you this…
Pray together that God will reveal any sin in your lives that may be causing a hindrance in your relationship between you and God and your spouse and God that may be impeding your sexual intimacy. If there is, confess your sin before God and each other. I used to have issues with oral sex and I thought that my husband’s manually arousing me was not really “sex”. But that was why I also thought I was still a virgin pre-marriage. Once I got over the fact that any form of sexual arousal was sex and confessed it I no longer had issues with oral or manual stimulation. In fact that is the only way my husband gets me aroused and yet I have the most explosive amazing sexual experience as a result that it’s absolute confirmation that it is all still sex and not second-rate to intercourse. Intercourse now is purely for my husband to orgasm during my orgasm!
We highly recommend “Sacred Sex” by Tim Alan Gardner which talks about a spiritual celebration of oneness in marriage.
MarriedMaggie,
I felt the same way as you for most of our five years of marriage so far, but I am beginning to realize that I was wrong. Love-making is a complicated procedure, much more complicated than sex. I think that part of my mistake was thinking that orgasms were purely physical. However, I think that the testimonies of this website confirm what I’ve been starting to suspect lately: if you love God, and you love each other, with time, love-making gets better and easier. So don’t worry, and be patient with God.
My husband also prefers our sexual satisfaction to come more from PIV than not (although, I am happy to note, he’s started to take pleasure in the huge orgasms he can give me through oral stimulation). Nonetheless, when it comes to “normal sex” for us, I’ve found certain positions to be better for G-spot stimulation than others. It’s about the angle of your hips during face to face intercourse – whether missionary, riding him, or standing up with one of your feet propped up on a box or a stool. If you just angle your hips so that your G-spot is touching his pubes, and if the thrusts are more “grinding” than “poking,” it makes a difference. And don’t fear the orgasm. If you come, great, but don’t judge yourself too harshly if you don’t. There’s an aspect to a woman’s orgasm that has nothing to do with touch and it can take a while to find it.
My husband and I have been married for 9 months now, and I have yet to orgasm at all. We’ve tried almost everything described in the blog and the comments. I do have fun during foreplay and sex, but sometimes I get discouraged. If you have any more ideas of things to try, please let me know. And if you just have words of encouragement, that would be great too. I hate feeling like I’m broken.
Not “broken” -just getting “broken in”- the fun factor is important. I find (and as an old married lady with the OTHER old lady problems) that if I can not think too hard or work too hard for it, it sort of sneaks up on me. I do understand the frustration, though; it’s hard for me, too. And the toys kinda sorta help, but only if DH is running them! Remember – practice makes perfect. 😉
Oh, honey, don’t be discouraged. It took me 9 1/2 years to be able to O. If I can encourage you in any way, I would say to not make that your goal. Learn to see your sex life as a journey. Enjoy the scenery along the way. You are not broken, you just have your own journey to travel. Everyone has made great suggestions and by all means, encorporate any that you think interest you and your hubby. I have 2 suggestions for you. 1) pray. God is near to the brokenhearted (it says so in Psalms). He cares about how you are feeling and He wants you to have a great sex life. I will admit, it is weird at first to pray about sex and our shortcomings in that area, but it will get easier. 2) My mantra became, “Don’t chase it, it will come to you”. In other words, I sometimes work too hard when something feels good and end up overstimulated, which ends it for me. So, I concentrate on making my hubby feel good and let him concentrate on making me feel good. It works for us.
You have your entire lives to work on this so let me say again, enjoy the journey. *hugs* from someone who has been there.
Don’t be discouraged! It took me a while to teach myself to orgasm in company, too. Can you orgasm alone without trouble? Being able to do this really helps! When you do, try to observe the way you breath, how your legs or shoulders tense or are bent, etc — and then see if you can recognize the same “on my way” and “getting close” signs with your husband.
For me, the actual climax feels different when I’m alone versus with my husband, but the “getting close” signs and aftershocks are similar enough that I am able to use them as a reference. The idea is to learn your own rhythms and signals so you know when to tell your husband, “don’t stop, just keep. doing. this!” If nothing else, try masturbating 15 or 30 minutes or so before intercourse. (It’s easier to orgasm when you’ve just had one).
There’s also an oral sex guide for men called “She Comes First” that’s just wonderful — and I’m not saying that just because the author insists that all women need 30-45 minutes of oral sex in order to orgasm from it!
Confess and repent any sex related sin you’ve ever had! And when I say repent I mean broken down heart cleansing repentance. Ask God to reveal any hidden sin that you may have forgotten. Then love and cherish and ravish and adore your husband and then just wait for the fireworks. I found that God did not bless me with an orgasm until I repented. God made us to enjoy the most amazing orgasms and my husband’s and my experience now has turned our marriage on its head.
Just a question, can you O at all? (like have you tried to make yourself O?) -Or is just a trouble doing it during sex with your DH? For some ladies, it helps to sort of get acquainted with what it feels like to build up to it, etc.
I know some like to only experience it with their DH, which, I have to agree, I def. have the best ones with him and prefer to have them with my DH. But if you are really struggling, maybe it would help to take your time and practice, play around a bit yourself, without the pressure of thinking you have to “perform”?
Nope, I’ve never ever had an orgasm. But the thing is, I don’t want my “first time” to be by myself. I have a toy to help, which I’ve used solo a few times, and each time I just feel lonely and bored. Sex is all about intimacy for me, which means more often than not I like to be facing my hubby, hugging, etc. I’ve just never got anything out of masturbating because it feels so pointless and lonely to me.
I’m sorry you feel that way. I think of playing solo not as a replacement for intercourse, but the way I think of bubble baths, beach books, and other things I do for myself to relax or because it feels nice.
How do you feel about including your husband in your solo play, then? For instance, what if you tried using your toy (or hands) while your husband is watching or holding you?
Or the computer? Would it feel less lonely if you used a laptop to instant message with your husband from separate rooms while you played? Chatting one-handedly with each other, sending instructions or descriptions back and forth, but with the goal of arousing each other with text, not touch or sight? And at the end of xx minutes, he joins you, no matter what?
I understand where you are coming from on this JnJ. What works for one person isn’t a good option for another. If MB feels lonely and doesn’t arouse you, you know it’s not the way for you right now.
You could try playing with yourself with your husband there with you. Laying side by side in the dark before bed. Don’t make your goal orgasm, but discovery. “Does this feel better than that?” sort of thing.
Also, try getting your husband to play with you or give you a sensual massage while you are at home watching a movie. Again the focus isn’t to get there, but just to enjoy.
Try laying on your tummy and having your husband explore you from a different angle.
…… I used to O easily and now – post baby – it comes a little harder.
I have learned (or relearned) that 2 things are very important.
1) don’t let myself get into a cycle of worrying I won’t orgasm so I don’t, so I worry, so i don’t (not saying that your problem is you worry, but it’s one of my biggest). You’re not broken. Women, even ones with very high sex drives, are just built differently than men. I have a high drive, and sometimes I can O pretty quickly, but other times it takes a lot of careful work on hubby’s part (and I help him too.) to get me to climax, and sometimes I don’t climax at all.
and 2) my husband has to HAS TO keep a steady rhythm, whether he rubs my back, my neck, or the more sensitive parts. Sometimes I can O without him doing that, but somehow after baby ( and more vaginal pain, and more stress and less sleep and getting interrupted to nurse baby….) my body is a little pickier, I need my husband to be more careful in his touches. Keeping a steady rhythm is SUCH a big thing to me.
I never used to know that.
I would love to know if anyone else has had the same experience as me. Please send your feedback. I fantasised for years and depended on this for O. But I always felt that there should be more to my O. My husband wasn’t happy because he knew we weren’t intimate. I finally was convicted that my fantasies and occasional masturbation was a sin so I confessed. But still I couldn’t get a decent O. So I started fantasising again – I couldn’t give up this habit on my own. But again God challenged me through my husband. I finally repented of this sin which I realised was different to a confession. My repentance meant that I saw the ugliness of my sin instead of trivialising it and thinking it’s not that bad a sin – I mean what does the bible really say about it. This was my old sinful self talking. That very night I had an O that was not just a climax like when I fantasised. My husband could feel the physical changes to my clitoris which grew quite large. I then started moaning and my whole stomach area spasmed and kept spasming and then I eventually had to scream really loudly. He put his fingers inside me and my whole vagina ballooned out. I also ejaculate every time I O and now when I get multiple Os I ejaculate on each of those too – hence a very thick towel folded over triple is used! There is no way that I have to tell my husband any more that I’m getting close or try this or try that he just has to touch me (for about 5-10 minutes). He also knows that I’m about to orgasm because my body is physically changing whereas previous to my repentance I only had feelings but not a huge physical change to my body. My husband finds it hard to keep up with my needs now its such a turn-around and we’re the happiest and most contented we’ve ever been. I can only suggest if you’re masturbating or fantasising and you think there’s more to O than you’re getting or you’re not getting anything then my experience has shown that it’s no longer got anything to do with technique. I had to first of all see my ugly sin and repent. God took the fantasies away immediately! It was miraculous. Now it’s all about my love for him. During his touching I’m focussing on the love I have for him. I also give him a lot more attention than I used to because I used to think – hey pay more attention to me because I never get an O and he always got one. If there is anyone out there who can tell me do you scream during O? Does your body spasm uncontrollably? Have you had a life-changing experience like mine?
Amen sister! I second your feelings! I also felt the need for quite a long time to use fantasy to “get me there.” I would even justify my fantasies by “adding my husband into them”, making him “part” of them. How sad. I also had to come to a place where I realized that it was a huge sin and to ask God to make my heart pure again, to wipe the thoughts out of my mind and replace them with thoughts of my wonderful, sexy husband. And yes, the change was rather immediate in the way I orgasmed! They are now fantastic, body shaking, moaning, yelling, cannot-contain-myself, outofthisworld, orgasms!!!!!! What a change when I honored God in my marriage!! What an amazing reward!! And I absolutely do not need to fantasise EVER anymore. I pray each time that God will allow me to have an incredible desire for this man he blessed me with, and he honors that prayer time and time again! God bless you in your screaming O’s! His mercies are new every day!
Sorry, just to clarify, I was able to orgasm before that, but it was nowhere NEAR the same as they are now. I also think it’s wonderful, because I lived in sexual sin before I met and married my DH, and the fact that my orgasms are the most incredilbe ones of my life and I have only shared these AMAZING O’s with my DH makes it so very very special to me and him. 🙂
Forgiven, thank you for sharing!
Thank you Erin4Him for sharing! I’m so happy to hear your story of forgiveness and God’s confirmation of it. My DH and I can’t stop talking about our experience and I know there must be many women who must still be suffering – I just want to share the good news with everyone who is willing to listen.
Thank you for your encouragement mdcccc I really appreciate it!
Thanks so much for your sharing! So funny that I read your story this morning after a very unfulfilling sexual experience with my husband last night! Let me prefice by saying he is wonderful and usaully takes time to help me achieve the big O! Last night we had very quick sex with no O for me I really struggle when that happens filling used kinda! I know that is not how I should feel we are married and I need to give to him as much as he gives to me but sex is just not the same without the O for me its like its not sex unless I have one for some reason. I have a very difficult time having one anyways and it usually takes about 45 min so I know sometimes there is not the time or energy for that in him! How do you get over feeling like you have to have one everytime or that it has to be good. I kinda got the impression from your story that somehow you are now able to focus on him and its less about you! Wow I cant seem to get there because yea it is easier for him he always has one. I kinda had an sexual awakening about a year ago so really my husband can’t keep up with me anyways so its kinda like when we do I want to have one since I know it will be 4 or 5 days till we are together again! Does that make sense that seems so selfish I know I shouldn’t feel that way sometime having such a hard time having the big O complicates things!!!!! Sometimes I wonder why its so hard for girls! I read stories on here about how hard it is for a lot of us! Your story was encouraging though how God can heal and make it so much better if we just turn to him!! Thanks!
Steph,
I understand your plight, and no you are not selfish…yes, we should focus on his pleasure but we’re human too, so if our sex opportunities are spaced out for days at a time, we’re bound to get worked up if we don’t orgasm. Before my awakening, I rarely orgasmed and was always telling my husband “Well you know it’s different for women, we don’t do it every time.” So now that I’m awakened to the point where I had to be honest with him about my feelings, he does what he can to help me O every time. If it isn’t working, I tell him. He knows now that he has to take the time to do what he knows I like. Before, I was too inhibited to tell him what I wanted anyway, and when I first told him he resisted…and although I didn’t understand it at the time, I later realized that sometimes men have awakenings too; maybe they want it more than we do in their youth, so it’s not the same kind of awakening as us, but instead they have a mid-marriage awakening to our feelings and desires. For me, it took a couple of long talks, complete with tears, to get past the barriers and tell him how I felt. When he saw I was genuinely hurting, he made the effort to change. What I’m trying to say is that it sounds like you and your husband need a good talk, especially if your only opportunities for sex are every 4-5 days. He wants you to experience the pleasure he does, but is perhaps not looking at it as practically as we women do. We think “Great, I didn’t orgasm and now we won’t be together for another 5 days, lucky me…” while he could be thinking, “That was awesome, she didn’t orgasm but we’ll do it again tomorrow and it’ll happen then”…and because he doesn’t keep the family schedule on his mind at all times like you do, he’s not realizing that tomorrow is out of the question. Sorry to ramble but I hope some part of it helped!
Thanks so much! We talked a little yesterday not sure how much it will help but we shall see. I have kinda casually joked with him about the length of time between and how I dont enjoy it as much when I dont have one so he does know but I just think sometimes because it takes so long for me to have one and we dont have the time it happens that way! But your right maybe I need to tell him I dont really want it like that more than once a month kinda compremise or something! I’m not sure how to get over the feeling of being used though? I just need to pray about that! Thanks for the comment!!!!
Don’t forget to pray about this – a lot! In fact, I would encourage you to pray about this every day for a month and see what happens. *hugs*
so my husband and i have been married for two weeks,,,and we were both virgins…so i have no idea what an orgasm feels like for ME… there’ve been a few intense times where in my lips tremble uncontrolably…which i have NEVER heard of…and certainly doesnt happen every time we have sex, but is this an orgasm?
matt’s bride- I’ve had the O with trembling lips and faster heartbeat. So I would say, it could be.
The article really made me think. I have trouble climaxing every time and my hubby is so attentive most of the time. It can be discouraging and I’ve been praying for nearly 6 months now about us maybe adding toys to our sex life. Hubby has said several times when we’ve seen movies where couples casually mention using a vibrator that he doesn’t need anything like that to please his wife. So I believe it is a pride issue in that he thinks he’s failing in some way by not bringing me to climax except every once in a while. And if we added toys, it would seem to him the admittance of failure on his part, which is not how I see it at all. I’ve never actually asked him if we could try toys, though, so I’m also praying for the right time and words.
You know I just surprised my husband and ordered them! He is not turned on by them in any way however I think he has seen the benefit of brining them into our sex life. First it takes away the routine and adds spice, second I have learned to practice without him and that has helped me learn to climax easier when I’m with him. At first that was a little akward but I do think it has been a tremndous help for me to do that. Maybe if he could see the benefits and how hard it is for you he would be more open. Sometimes I think guys dont really understand how hard it really is for girls we need all the help we can get!!!!! Good Luck!
You know I have found that for me, even though I don’t always acheive the big o, our efforts to get me relaxed enough to enjoy the sensations feels so wonderful and peaceful that it is enough to give one to the DH and just relax myself. Sometimes I don’t even realize how wound up with Stress I get.
ok friends,
I’ve been married for about five months. my dh and i have great sex, but i’m not sure if i’m having orgasms. i never masturbated before marriage (although, with encouragement from my hubby-i’ve been trying to) so i don’t know what it feels like. sometimes i get get a very good sensation ‘down there’ but it goes away pretty quickly. WHAT DOES THE ORGASM FEEL LIKE???? I always hear ‘if you have one, you’ll know’. thats not helpful…..any thoughts?? thanks
It is different that just feeling good. As the pleasure builds it gets to the point where you sort of feel like you are a wave rising in the ocean. Your whole body feels tingly and like every inch of your skin is alive. And the orgasm happens when the wave of pleasure hits it’s peak and rolls over a sort of tipping point of high (and, yes, unmistakable) pleasure. Usually afterwards your clitoris will be very sensitive, but I suppose that could vary from woman to woman.
Remember to try being in different positions. Lay on your stomach and have him reach between your thighs to stimulate your clitoris manually. Try it with your legs closed tight together and also far apart. Keep exploring and enjoy the journey.
I have not had many but I did have a large one with DH before we were married (We didn’t come to the Lord until about 10 years after marriage). I don’t know if it was the environment we were in with friends in the other rooms with paper thin walls in the camp we were at or the drinks…it was great. Nothing like it since. I won’t use my fingers…I only use viberators to stimulate. However, after my DH finishes inside of me, then i use my viberator and it feels so good!! Why? I have small O’s and it is at this time that I want my man HARD again and in me! But of course he can’t get hard within 3 minutes…any ideas and anybody else enjoy the vibrator immediately after hubby ejaculates inside?
My husband and I have almost been married a year, and I have yet to have an orgasm through intercourse alone. That being said, we bought a vibrator right after our honeymoon because he LOVES pleasing me. (Giving me an orgasm turns him on lol) So we use a vibrator during sex, so I can orgasm and then he comes right afterwards.
I am so excited, though. In the last month, something has changed. I am actually getting close to having an orgasm during intercourse alone! I don’t know why, but my amazing hubby can get me to an 8 (10 being orgasm).
I think vibrators are great for any point in a marriage, but I tell all my friends that are getting married to get one (if their husbands permit it of course). I just think they’re great training tools for sex. Also, it puts a lot less pressure on your lovely husband. He doesn’t have to feel bad that he always gets to finish and you never do. This way, everyone has fun, and there’s no stress!!! Just my two cents!
The problem I’m having is how long it takes to achieve O. I haven’t looked at the clock to actually time it, but I know it takes around 20 mins or longer (music gives me some sort of indicator). I thought with a vibrator it would help, but it takes just as long. When I’ve tried myself (with my dh there) it didn’t take anywhere near as long, maybe 5 mins or less, but it doesn’t feel nearly as good or intense. Kinda like tickling yourself. It isn’t that I lack interest or desire. I thought music would help so I have relaxing, energetic, passionate, etc compilations but it doesn’t seen to make a difference. How can my stimulation time be cut shorter? I feel bad for my dh. He tries so hard and I don’t want to work so hard and get tired, which I know he does (sometimes it takes so long he quits). Are there things I need to do, or things my dh needs to do to speed things up? I really thought that since my desire had increased in the past couple of weeks that it would have make it faster and easier to achieve O but it hasn’t seemed to make any difference. Also, how do you know if you have a low, high or average drive?
Well I feel your pain girl!!! I believe the longest for us was 50 min one time! My husband is stubborn so he wouldn’t give up bless his sweet heart!!! I use to get so frustrated!! I am much better now thanks to lots of practice on my own. Yes I do agree its not as good but I trained my mind on how it felt to get there it’s funny like you have to mentally get there so when I’m with my husband if I find myself getting frustrated I try to mentally picture how it feels does that make sense? I think 20 min isn’t bad at all that’s kinda normal for me! One thing I think helps to is to just try to enjoy it not so much focusing on getting there sometimes I think I put to much emphasis on having one without taking the time to enjoy the moment! He also has strategies he can tell if it is going to take longer so he will add other things into the mix that helps sometimes he just stops touching me and caresses my back and then starts over. Sometimes he will bring in anal play because that tends to send me over for some reason! Not sure if you guys experiment with that but it is a real turn on for me so he will incorporate it when he thinks I’m struggling to get there. One thing I did when I was first learning on my own how to get there faster was trying to figure out what really felt good and telling him! Although I am much better there a just sometimes I cant get there or it just takes longer I think a womens body is funky sometimes!!!! Not sure if I was helpful but just somethings I did to help!! I wonder if maybe you get stressed about it so maybe you lose your focus I know I do sometimes that’s kinda when he adds other things! To answer your other question not sure about the sex drive thing but I’m guessing if your both happy it’s probably just right! Sometimes I want it more sometimes he does but it seems to always work out in the end! Good luck hope I helped a little!
I am in no way an expert on this (!), but here are a few thoughts. I’m not sure that needing 20 minutes to reach orgasm is unusual for women. I think there are women who take less time but also those who take longer. So don’t be hard on yourself, like you’re doing something wrong. I’m not sure that “going faster” is really the most important goal. Could you and your husband focus more on the “journey” and less on the “destination?” Does your husband know that he’s giving you a lot of pleasure as part of the “journey?” Are you trying to have an orgasm through intercourse (which can be very difficult for some women – me included) or another way? What did you do differently when you stimulated yourself and reached orgasm in 5 minutes? Could your husband replicate what you did?
I am so thankful for this site! I am frustrated on the whole orgasm topic. I was previously married (husband passed away) and I never had an orgasm without a vibrator. I have been married for 7 months now and this is the FIRST TIME i have ever masterbated! My husband really wants me to go without a toy and said once I can easily do it, we could introduce something, but he’s afraid my body will learn only through a toy and never be able to without that level of stimulation. He is super patient and does anything and everything to stimulate me.
My frustration is that somewhere around 2 months of marriage we had breakthrough!! For about 6-7 weeks I was going through intercourse at least 70% of the time. It was amazing….and then it became difficult again. Since then I have only had maybe 3 orgasms. He encourages me to masterbate when he isn’t home to learn my body and one out of 20 times it works. I’m totally a mental person and don’t fantisize easily etc.
any help, advice? Incidentally, I still totally love and enjoy every min. of it and am so blessed that things are so healthy sexually since they weren’t in my first marriage.