Communication In the Bedroom

By now we all know how important communication is in marriage. It’s also a big part of the marriage bed. If we don’t communicate to our husbands what we like and dislike, it can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I have a few key points to make on this subject.

Your husband will benefit when you tell him what you like in bed. He is trying his best to please you, but no two women are identical. It can be frustrating for him to be constantly trying things that don’t seem to work. Your husband can’t read your mind. He needs to hear from your mouth what you find enjoyable. Subtle hints may work sometimes, but being upfront is best. That way there are no misunderstandings. You can start a conversation over dinner one night or while cuddling sometime. Or even when you are making out and you know things will be leading to sex, you can say “Do you know what I love for you to do to me?”

Your husband will also benefit when you tell him what doesn’t work for you in bed. If he tries something new, and it doesn’t do anything for you, then find a way to let him know. He may have read a book that says many women like anal caressing during oral sex, but you may not care for it at all. He may be going to town down there while you are lying there wondering why he always does that? I love it when my husband gets a new creative idea, but if it doesn’t really work, then I find a way to tell him later, so that he doesn’t add it to his repertoire. He is actually appreciative of that. He has learned that I am honest with him and he doesn’t have to guess or assume anything, because I will tell him the truth. And if something doesn’t work, then we just go on to the next new idea!

Discuss your true feelings on things like lingerie, toys, and swallowing. Don’t pretend to like something if you really don’t. It can lead to resentment later on. Just be honest. Your husband deserves to know how you truly feel. And know that it’s possible that you may change your mind later on. Some women start off just tolerating the taste of their husband’s ejaculate, and then grow to really like it later on! So never say never 😛

Be willing to compromise. Maybe your husband absolutely goes crazy when you wear lingerie, but you feel too self-conscious in it. It’s possible that you can compromise and go shopping together to find something that is still sexy yet more modest for your tastes. It may be certain fabrics or colors that he loves to see on you.

Keep an open mind. Think of how vulnerable your husband is when he comes to you with a new idea for sex. A new technique he wants to try on you. A new position he read about somewhere. A sexy photo shoot he wants you two to have together. Whatever his idea is, give the man a chance. The fact that he’s thinking of ways to bless you and give you pleasure is important. Don’t discount what he says immediately.

Know that your husband’s thoughts and feelings are just as important as yours are. All the things I discussed above are true for him to. Give him a chance to tell you what he likes for you to do to him. Ask him about the things that he doesn’t really like. When he has a thought or concern about something, respect him enough to consider where he is coming from. You two fell in love and chose to spend the rest of your lives together, so keep talking and listening to each other.


  1. Ok, I have a question that I would like to get some input about, but I wasn’t sure where it was most appropriate to post it.
    I would love to get input from anyone who wants to give it. Lately my husband and I have been having a very hard time communicating during “that time of the month.” The whole week is usually a nightmare. The reason is my husband is grossed out by blood and all the things that go on around that time, so he chooses to not have sex. From reading on this blog, it seems to me that this is not an uncommon thing. It has always kinda bothered me, because it just makes me feel rejected. Lately I have kinda come to terms with it, though, because I know that he still loves me, still finds me attractive, etc…
    The real problem comes in the middle of the week, when he is tense from his self-imposed abstinence, and wants me to do favors for him. Although there have been times when this ended with both of us being satisfied (not with intercourse), what he usually has in mind is something just for him. I have told him more than once that this makes me feel like I’m being used. In my head what seems fair is this-if you decide you don’t want to have sex this week, then stick it out till the end of the week. If I am waiting, you should wait too. And not because I’m trying to get back at him for not wanting to have sex-hear my heart-that truly isn’t it. I just think that either we both should wait, (and then at the end of the week it will be that much better) or if he wants to fool around, that’s great, but offer me something too.
    So what I really want is to hear from other women whose husbands feel this way around that time of the month…do any of you have this issue? How do you work it out? I’m not sure how much men are free to post now, but men’s opinions would be helpful here too. My husband is a wonderful man, but I really feel he is being insensitive and selfish when it comes to this. Please let me know what you guys think, and if you see ways that I should adjust my thinking, feel free to point it out!!

  2. I’m sure others will chime in. Definitely this IS a communication issue. Sounds like you have talked with him about this before. Have you explained all of this:

    In my head what seems fair is this-if you decide you don’t want to have sex this week, then stick it out till the end of the week. If I am waiting, you should wait too. And not because I’m trying to get back at him for not wanting to have sex-hear my heart-that truly isn’t it. I just think that either we both should wait, (and then at the end of the week it will be that much better) or if he wants to fool around, that’s great, but offer me something too.

    ….at a carefully planned, NOT during your period or during sex, time? Have you considered some of the outercourse positions on the positions page?

    While you don’t have your period, do the outercourse positions, (possibly all the way, maybe just as foreplay). Then, next time, initiate some outercourse during your period. Don’t wait till he is getting “tense”–catch him ahead of it, and ask for what you would like.

    If you are a pads-only girl, just go for the breast sex. If you use a disposable menstrual cup, or even a tampon, (and right after some careful cleaning, or a shower), you should even be able to do the Hot Dog and Buns (#57). You can get some really great clitoral stimulation that way, and don’t even need penetration. If that is too much of a jump for your guy, maybe the breast sex outercourse would be a better start, for a few cycles.

    One note on breast sex: I find that when we first start this position, to get warmed up, I like to be rubbed all over my breasts, or have him hold my breasts together–then I can concentrate on the great feelings. But for him to let go, once I have enjoyed for a while, I take over holding my breasts. Then he can get just the right angle, and support himself with his hands, and go at it for as long as he can last. 🙂

    If you use a disposable menstrual cup, you can have clean PIV sex while you have your period–assuming he does not mind. And yes, on your heavy days, particularly if you should change the cup soon, he might get a bit pink. It sounds like this is definitely something he would mind. If that slight possibility is too gross, maybe he would consider using a condom. But towards the end of your period, say days 3-6, if you put in a new cup, and shower well, you should not have trouble with that. (See Insteads, on the Resources page of this site.)

  3. I agree with Tiger Girl. This is definitely a communication issue and can possibly be resolved simply by approaching it from a different angle (no pun intended). Tiger Girl has given you several wonderful, practical ideas to discuss and try with your husband. Hopefully, one or more of these will help you achieve satisfaction in the bedroom.

    What I want to address, however, is a matter of the heart.

    Now, believe me, after 15 years of marriage and three babies, I know how it feels to be desperate for sexual satisfaction from my man. And I know how it feels to feel used and rejected. Fortunately, however, the Lord has helped me to see that just because my husband’s actions are making me feel a certain way does not mean that he is meaning to make me feel that way. What I’m trying to say is that your husband probably loves you very much and does not want you to feel used by him. He simply does not know what else to do when he reaches this point of “mid-week desperation” and his animal, I mean, manly instinct kicks in. Think about it … you’re the only legitimate source of sexual release he has, right? And, as Tiger Girl has pointed out, there are many ways you and he can both achieve satisfaction during this time of the month; however, your husband was probably not aware of all of these creative sexual techniques. So, he thought his choices were very limited … abstinence or you “doing favors for him.” The good news is you can now take the ideas from Tiger Girl, teach your husband a few lessons in creative sex, and PRESTO! Problem fixed! Or is it?

    Is this really about sexual satisfaction or is it about serving and loving one another?

    “…what he usually has in mind is just for him … if he wants to fool around, that’s great, but offer me something too.”

    Please do not be upset with me, but this doesn’t sound like the kind of selfless love that God wants to infuse into your marriage. I admit, this sounds just like something I would have said a few months ago, before God showed me a better way. Matthew 20:28 says, “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.” How many times does the Bible tell us that if we want to live an abundant life, we have to give our lives away. If we want to be blessed, we have to bless others. If we want to live, we must first die. Please don’t think I’m crazy, but God wants to bless you in your marriage bed. He wants you to enjoy sex with your husband more than you can even imagine. It was His idea in the first place! However, before my husband’s focus in the bedroom became ME receiving endless pleasure, my focus had to become HIS receiving pleasure. Does this make sense? As long as I maintained a selfish attitude and focused on what he could do for me, he maintained a selfish attitude as well and was focused on what I could do for him. It was as though we were playing tug-of-war. Those years were filled with resistance, resentment, and unfulfillment, kind of like what you were describing. Those emotions also spilled over into other areas of our lives as well.

    Praise God, I think we’ve finally got it right, though, because, as I said, now my focus is bringing him pleasure, whether or not I reach orgasm. And his focus is bringing me pleasure, whether or not he reaches orgasm. And you know what, we’re having the best sex we’ve ever had! He can’t wait to see what I have in store for him each love making session, and he always rewards me generously for loving him so selflessly.

    Give it a try. Don’t wait until you feel like your husband deserves to be loved so selflessly. God doesn’t wait until we deserve His love, does He? Go for it. You might be surprised!

  4. I agree with both tiger girl and wowgodisgreat.
    The “ick” factor can be easily taken care of by some of the great ideas that tiger girl has pointed out, (breast sex being one of my “time of the month” faves.)
    I want to point something out also. You mentioned feeling “rejected” because he doesn’t “offer you something too.” Maybe he really doesn’t know what to offer you. He may be truly turned off by the bloody aspect of this time of the month. While to us ladies, it’s natural, etc, to him it may really be gross! To him the thought of putting himself into all that mess or touching it may truly be a turn off. I don’t think it’s as much a rejection of you as it is truly a turn off because of not knowing how to get around all the mess. 🙂 Tiger girl had some great ideas to remedy this problem. And even if it still gets to him(some ppl are really just grossed out by blood) you could suggest something like mutual self-pleasuring. You could enjoy pleasure together without him having to delve into the mess. Just for a moment, try and imagine things if the tables were turned. What if once a month for a week he ejaculated blood instead of semen? How would you feel about oral then? or would you really be turned on at the idea of blood squirting all over you? I know this sounds ridiculous, but if this were the situation, would it make us feel differently about sex also? -Just food for thought.
    I personally have VERY heavy periods. My DH is always very reserved around this time and does not initiate. I used to feel rejected by this until I realized that he was just trying to be aware of how I felt(physically). And like your DH, mine isn’t so fond of the messiness either. But the way I look at it is, there are things that I get during the month that he never gets to experience. All of the different types of O’s, and even the ability to have multiples, etc. He never holds it against me that he doesn’t have the ability to have multiple O’s, he’s just thrilled to be able to pleasure me so! So why can’t I, in return, be just as thrilled to be able to give him wonderful pleasure for one week? (even if it is just for him.)
    The Bible speaks of us giving selflessly and not expecting things in return. Matthew 6:1-4 talks about not doing charitable deeds to receive glory and praise in return, but that God who sees the things you do in secret will reward you openly. When we only do things with the intention of receiving something in return, we ultimately are doing those things for ourselves and not truly for the one we love.
    1st Corinthians vs. 5 speaks of this type of love, “…Love does not seek it’s own…”
    Try not to go into sex with your DH with your own pleasure in mind. Think, hmmm, what new exciting thing can I do for him today? How can I rock his world tonight? And you never know, if your attitude towards him is one of excitement and desire to please him, instead of a “it’s not fair, but I’ll do it if I have to” attitude, he might just notice and have a greater desire to please you as well.
    I’ll end my ridiculously long comment (sorry!) with one of my favorite poems;

    “Love seeks not itself to please,
    Nor for itself has any care,
    But for another gives it’s ease,
    And builds a heaven in hell’s despair.”

  5. wow, there’s so much people have said I can’t even begin to comment on all of it 🙂 So… here’s this: people are saying things like love sacrificially and I TOTALLY agree, but it sounds like what really is happening here is a husband that doesn’t completely understand how his wife feels. Maybe he does. Or maybe he believes what everyone says about men having higher drives than women and doesn’t realize that his woman is going crazy for him. Me, when we go longer than every other day, I get CRANKY. I mean, I just have a hard time being civil 🙂
    I know, I know, I should be loving no matter what.
    BUT I have a good husband who doesn’t want me to fight to be barely nice through a very real physical need that he can help with.
    He didn’t realize (somehow….) that I also get cranky when I need sex (or sexual release if we can’t do intercourse). I had to explain it to him. And him being a man, he needs some things explained more than once. And then he needs to be reminded. Not to sound patronizing, it’s just that men’s brains are different 🙂

    But once he understood my needs he’s been more than happy to comply. Whenever he realizes what I need he does it. There’s plenty of room for sacrifice in marriage without sacrificing something just b/c your darling doesn’t understand your needs.

    I think your guy probably has the best of intentions, while not recognizing what you see as selfishness. Is it really selfish or not? Who knows. I don’t (Although I see it at selfish myself…). But I’m sure if you two talk about it peacefully and each express how you feel and WHY and what you’d rather do, you can come to some agreeable conclusion. I mean, I don’t know you or your husband, mdcccc, but from what I’ve heard you say on CN, I don’t get the idea that he’s usually a big selfish jerk 🙂

  6. oh yeah, and like erin4him said – maybe he’s just at a loss about what to do. So try to think of some things that he could do to give you pleasure that wouldn’t gross him out.
    If he refuses to do even those things (I honestly don’t think he will) then just pray to have a good attitude and be sure to meet his needs as well as you can, even if he still ignores yours. That’s not called being a doormat, because your not LETTING him walk all over you, rather you are making the CHOICE to bless him.

    Love to you, I wish you a happy week and a blessed bedtime!

  7. “Me, when we go longer than every other day, I get CRANKY. I mean, I just have a hard time being civil :)”
    LOL! Me too! 🙂 I get all antsy and probably come off quite annoying if I don’t explain myself! Communication is key here, absolutely. The ole “A closed mouth don’t get fed.” saying I think fits very well in this situation. Hee hee. 😀

  8. i really love this reply. i don’t know mdcccc or her husband, and if this truly is the case, but in my 12 years of marriage i have also learned that the best way to change someone elses attitude is to adjust my own – even if i’m the one in the right. serving my husband in love causes him to want to serve me in return. i’ve found if i ever come to a place where i’m struggling to feel love for my husband, that if i find some way to significantly serve him the feelings of love come back. it causes him to change his attitude toward me as well. in this way we’ve managed to stay in the ‘honeymoon’ stage for 12 years!

  9. Red Flag, White Flag, Green Flag
    This is a technique we came up with for cycle communication.
    In a corner of “our” bathroom mirror we have a magnet taped in place.
    We have three pieces of colored paper (Flags), each with a magnet taped to the back. Being NFP… our color coding is as follows…
    Red: Phase 1 : Towels are needed, we are experimenting with menstral sponges which significantly reduce the mess.
    White: Phase 2: conception is highly probable… No IC!
    Green: Phase 3: All Clear… Good to Go.
    My DW simply changes the flags according to her cycle, I look in the corner of the mirror and know exactly where we are in the cycle. I am no longer guessing! And I am no longer surprised… “Oh! it’s that time already?”.

  10. That is a very creative way to help improve the communication! Couples could use this system with their own ‘flags’ and their own code for each flag. I don’t have a monthly period because of my hysterectomy, but i could even see us using something like that to let each other know what our desires are each day… thanks for the idea, jjj 🙂

  11. Thanks for all the replies, guys!!! I really appreciate it. Yes, I have discussed this stiff with him a few times, and told him exactly how I feel. I don’t know if he gets forgetful or what. 🙂 And you’re right, he isn’t an insensitive jerk. I think it stems from back when he used to have lust issues, and back then, I told him that whenever he needed release, no matter what, to let me know, and I would be there for him. Which I think was definitely the right thing for me to do to help him through that, it didn’t bother me at all. So now, even though he has dealt with that, I think he still thinks that way. And don’t get me wrong, I have a high libido, and I have never been a refuser. Even if I’m not in the mood, I’ll get there. 😉
    We have discussed other ways to be playful during that time, I don’t know why he is hesitant about it. But the other night after I posted on here we had a good talk, and I really poured my heart out to him, and I think he gets it now.
    I was also worried about my attitude, I don’t want to be selfish, and I know the point of this marriage and our sex life is not my ultimate happiness and pleasure. I just had a VERY hard time, because he would start to mess around, and I’d get turned on, and be thinking we were gonna do stuff, and then he’d kinda stop and wait for me to pleasure him, and it was just like “Really?!” Frustrating!!!
    Thanks again. 🙂 🙂

  12. In talking about communication, my issue is a bit different. How do I get him to communicate? I have tried on a few different occasions to talk about sex. I get continually, “I like what we do.” But that really doesn’t mean anything. I want to know what he likes, but he seems almost shy to talk to me. We have been married 6 years so its not a new-ness factor. I have communicated what I like, and that I am very willing to experiment. I would like to try new things like toys, or new positions and when I ask him about them he does the man grunt. How can I get him to communicate?

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