Q&A: Sexual Significance and Low Sex Drive

1. My husband and I have been married ten years this June. So I am planning to make this tenth year anniversary a little “sexually significant”. I would really appreciate your advice. We have two elementary school age kids.


2. We had a little dent in our marriage and finances in the last couple of years and by God’s grace we are recovering from it. By God’s grace, I recovered quicker than my husband. Under the circumstances, my husband is depressed and lost interest in sex, or rather low in sex drive at the moment. Are there any ideas to make him mad after me? He loves and values me more now, I guess that’s more than enough for me…. but due to his decreased sex drive, I am kind of going out of sorts.

Happy Anniversary!!!!! A great way to make this anniversary more “sexually significant” is to go outside your comfort zone.  It doesn’t need to be anything dramatic.  Try putting a note in his car before he leaves for work and you could title it “The Top 10 Reasons I Love You”.   If you don’t usually touch, then you could try putting on a show for your husband by touching yourself while giving him a nice relaxing massage.  Want to be a bit bolder?   Why not have a seductive dinner in your bedroom and then choreograph a strip dance routine designed just for him?   I hope this short list helps.  I tried to think of activities that would be a nice addition to your husband’s memory bank without the financial burden.

As for the second part of your question, have you two talked about his low sex drive?  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what’s going on around us that we lose site of the important stuff.  Maybe that is the case with him?  It sounds like your husband knows he is blessed to have you in his life.  Do you let him know how blessed you feel to have him in your life?  Men often feel a tremendous amount of responsibility for providing for the family.  Keep raising him up in prayer.  Let him know how much you value him.    I’ve seen many situations where the husband is a  work-a-holic.  Looking back, I think they became one because that’s where they received the most validation.  Their marriage wasn’t great but they were good at their occupation so that’s where they spent their time.  I know that you didn’t say that your husband is the same but I just want to show you how important it is for them to feel validated.  I wrote a little on this in the article called ‘Sex Object’. I don’t know if all this will make your husband ‘mad after you’ but it can’t hurt.  I think we all have a fire somewhere inside us and it’s just a matter of finding out how to get from smoke to flame.  Do not underestimate the power of prayer.

Thanks for your question.

Q&A: Can Men Taste Themselves Too?

We recently got an email from a couple that was discussing oral sex. The husband wanted the wife to allow him to finish in her mouth. During the discussion the wife mentioned him tasting it himself first and so they wrote in asking: “Have you heard of husbands eating their own semen during love making with their wives?”

The short answer is yes.

I believe it is a common thing to wonder about your own taste. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female. In my last article I talked about the advantages for women who like their own taste. In my opinion, men who like the taste of their own semen have some advantages as well.

If a man is comfortable with his own taste, then kissing his wife, after she has given him oral sex to completion and swallowed, will not bother him. Some husbands would rather not kiss their wives after she has had his semen in her mouth. I know this because my husband is one of them. After I drink him down, I avoid kissing him because I know it makes him uncomfortable, unless I brush my teeth or grab an altoid. 😆 So in my house, this would be a nice advantage!

Another positive would again be linked to oral sex. When you two are making love, and he finishes first, inside you, before you are able to orgasm, is that it? If your husband does not mind his own taste, then he would have no problem going down and giving you oral sex to help you get your orgasm. Yes, I realize this involves a “cream pie,” as my husband says, but if your husband doesn’t mind his own taste then this will be a non-issue for you!

Some couples are into another practice known as Snowballing. This is when the wife gives oral sex and saves the semen in her mouth. Then she kisses her husband and shares the semen with him. Although some couples may see this practice as unappealing or unusual, it certainly isn’t sinful. This is just one of those things that falls into personal preferences.

Many couples like to see where the semen goes during sex. This involves the man ejaculating either on himself or on his wife. For the man who doesn’t mind his own taste, clean up should be a breeze! Although it’s not practiced in my house, I do know of other couples where the man will lick his own ejaculate off his wife to clean her up afterward!

So yes, husbands can and do sometimes taste and/or eat their own ejaculate during sex.  If you do have a husband who is comfortable enough to do some of these things, then just know that it’s perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you two enjoying all of each other’s bodies, including your own.

Monday’s Mission #8

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to recreate your first date that you had with your (future) spouse.  There are many firsts in our lives and most of them can not be redone, but something like this seems worth the effort. It’s often fun to reminisce about what brought us to where we are today.   So… think back.   Remember the time, the season, the place(s) you went, the conversation you had, the food that you ate, the clothes that you wore on your initial tryst.  If you kept a journal, perhaps you can find a passage where you wrote about your special time.  You might even want to plan this out with your spouse so you can sit and recollect together.  (That could be another romantic rendezvous in and of its self!)   It’s okay if everything isn’t exact because most of us will probably need to make some kind of adjustments due to different locations or other difficulties.

Have fun meandering down memory lane.  We’d love to hear about your dates!

Position #16:The Spring

This position is something that evolved for my husband and I from a basic “Cowgirl/WOT” position.  Let’s get into position first.  Have your husband lay on his back while you get on top of him with one knee on each side.  Instead holding your weight on your knees, like a typical “cowgirl” position, put each foot flat on the bed.  Now you are ready to go.  You will need to get leverage so you can do a variety of things to do just that.  You can simply put your hands on your husband’s chest, clasp hands with him or hold onto the headboard. I have had the most success holding onto the headboard because my arms can help me move when my legs start getting sore.   Make sure your clitoris gets stimulation from either a vibe or fingers. (If you are holding onto the headboard you can still get leverage with one hand.)  Now bounce up and down like a spring.  The two of you can determine how ‘bouncy’ you want to be.

 

Pros: ~Gives your husband a different type of sensation.

         ~Easy clitoral access for vibe.

         ~Great visual for your hubby.

         ~Allows for you to go all the way up the shaft to the head of the penis.

         ~May cause sore thighs the next day which will remind you of the amazing session you had with your hunk. 

 

Cons: ~No natural stimulation for your clitoris like WOT usually provides.

          ~ May cause sore thighs the next day which will remind you of the amazing session you had with your hunk.  (Honestly, this is more of a pro then a con in my book.  I love reminders.  😉 )

Tasting Yourself

Okay, show of hands…. How many of you have ever tasted yourself on purpose? Come on, it’s just me here, you can tell the truth! 😉 Of course there is a natural curiosity, and there is no shame in that. I do have a couple of friends though; who think this topic is gross and nasty. I really don’t understand why it seems so taboo to them. My own taste reminds me of a freshly fallen summer rain, mixed with flesh. (I told my husband that and he laughed at me. Said it sounded like something a girl would say. 🙄 ) I will attempt to point out some advantages to acquiring a taste for yourself.

One complaint I have heard from women is: “I don’t like to kiss my husband after he has given me oral sex because I can taste myself on him.” I say that your husband has done a wonderful thing for you. He has given you immense pleasure. He has had his mouth and tongue on you down there. When he comes up to kiss you afterwards, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to kiss him without worrying about the taste? Of course you can have a hand towel there for him to wipe his face off with if you must, but it is so nice to be able to just kiss the man!

Something else to consider is being able to give your husband oral sex, after he has been inside of you. The fact that you would be willing to do that, and lick your own juices off of him, could be a major turn on. Imagine making love, and during a position change you take him into your mouth and tell him how much you love tasting yourself on him. What would his reaction be?

Another good thing about learning to like your own taste is that you can use that when you masturbate for your husband! Can you imagine giving your husband a show, and then being able to lick or suck your own fingers afterward?   The fact that there is no “yuck” factor will make it sensual and erotic for him.

Accepting your own taste and becoming comfortable with it will give you a little more freedom in the bedroom. It will allow you to do things that you previously would not have done. There is nothing gross or nasty about this. Your husband tastes you, right? So what is the difference in you tasting yourself?

The point of this article is to try and get you to think outside of the box. I’m trying to encourage you to try something new. For those of you who have tried this and just do not like it at all, then I commend you for at least giving it a shot! You are not going to like every new thing you try, but being open to trying new things like this with your husband is a wonderful attitude to have.

Stay tuned for a continuation of this article next week. We have received a question from a couple that relates to this topic, and I will attempt to write out my thoughts on men tasting themselves!

Living With a Refuser

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

A healthy sexual relationship with your spouse is one of the keys to a healthy marriage. If someone is the perfect spouse in every way except that they hold back sexually from their husband or wife, then it is my conviction that they are living in sin. God told us that our bodies belong to our spouse. If they have a sexual need, we ought to freely give ourselves to meet that need. I take the position that I am the only lover my husband gets and he deserves the best one I can possibly be.

The only reason God has given allowance for us to abstain from sex in marriage is so that we can be devoted to prayer and then, only for a time. It is holy for us to be passionate in the bedroom and on the contrast it is sin for us to hold back and resist God’s plan for the marriage bed to be a place of freedom and joy. Often in the church, women especially, are lead to believe that the opposite is true. That to be godly it requires that we keep all things sexual at arms length, including our own relationship with our husband. Having said that, women are not always the ones acting as refusers in a marriage. Sometimes the wife is the one who is left with a sex life that isn’t meeting her needs.

Understand that the refusal I am talking about goes beyond having to work out frequency where both the husband and wife enjoy sex, but have different drives. They are two very different problems. A refuser believes lies about their sexuality and the importance of emotional and physical intimacy through sex in marriage. This causes great pain to their spouse as year after year one of the most basic needs in marriage is either withheld or given reluctantly.

To say that living with a refuser is difficult is a severe understatement. There are many contributors that make the problem a complicated one. One is that someone is sinning against you perpetually and does not acknowledge it. This is hard because you essentially need to live in a constant state of forgiveness in order to have peace about someone who doesn’t even believe or see that they are doing anything wrong. Another contributor to the problem is that God created you with physical and emotional needs and gave you someone to meet them, but when your spouse doesn’t see their role in meeting those needs you are left with a feeling of discontent. Masturbation isn’t the cure all either because, to begin with, some people feel guilt about it and then even if they don’t it only serves to met the physical need. Since what we all really desire is a sexual relationship, masturbation is not meant to be our main outlet for sexual release and does nothing to satisfy a husband or wife’s desire for closeness.

So how does someone handle living with a refuser? My suggestions will not solve the problem, only manage it. In order for the problem to be solved, your spouse needs to be set free which is something that only God can do. So my first suggestion is to pray for your spouse. This will influence a change in them like nothing else. If there are issues of mental illness, pray for those too and seek out help. Pray also for yourself, that God would change you in the ways that you need to change. Develop a strong relationship in prayer with Jesus. Be sure that you are well aware of what He thinks of you. Your identity should never be influence by your spouse’s sin of refusal. And the closer you walk with Jesus the easier it will be to forgive your husband or wife when necessary.

My other suggestion is to be willing to commit to communicating with them about it even if it is uncomfortable. Be non-accusatory and share your heart with them. There is a fine line between stating what you want and need in a way that causes your spouse to feel forced into a sexual relationship with you, and inviting them into your heart so you can show them why you want and need intimacy with them on every level. While the latter will be uncomfortable for them and may hurt them as you show them honestly how their behavior affects you, the former may very well cause them to dig their heels in even more. I believe that a lot of the time when a person is showing anger, what they really are feeling is either fear or pain. That isn’t the case all the time, but expressing anger feels less vulnerable that fear and pain so I can see why people often default to that. If you or your spouse are expressing anger, consider whether the actual feelings might be rooted in fear or pain.

Also, continue to love your spouse and treat them with kindness despite their sin. While you are clear that you feel that they are sinning against you by holding this part of themselves away from you, keep speaking words of love to them and let them know that you care for them no matter what. I have seen couples where one of them was living as a refuser and then got free from their lies, but the other spouse was too hurt to receive them at that point and actually became a refuser themselves.

I want to touch on one other thing and that is that I do believe that there are circumstances where it is legitimate to withhold sex in marriage. Namely, when your spouse is living in sexual sin. If they are having an extramarital sexual relationship, I think it is wise to abstain until things are resolved both for health reasons to protect yourself against STIs and for purposes of prayer. The same holds if they have a porn addiction that they do not take responsibility for. This again fits with the admonishment to abstain for purposes of prayer. I believe that the husband or wife is consenting to abstinence if he or she is having an affair or is involved in pornography that has not been confessed. If on the other hand they have confessed their sin and are taking steps to live with sexual integrity, then this is the time to step up and ask God to restore what was stolen from your intimacy.

My heart goes out to all the wives and husbands who read our blog and are living with a refuser. To receive better support than we can offer you on our blog, we would encourage you to visit The Marriage Bed Discussion Forums, which have an entire section devoted to helping people who are living with refusers. Please know that you are not alone and know also that many marriages have been saved and restored after such a situation. God is a God of restoration and redemption.

Question: Is it wrong to masturbate while spouses are apart?

We received this question and I thought I would take a stab at it. There are always going to be times when spouses are apart. My DH and I are sometimes apart when he goes out of town to work (granted that is only 2 days, but it seems like an eternity!) or when he leaves town for a convention to better himself and his ministries at our church. Other folks are separated with spouses in the military, or spouses whose work takes them away from the home front for periods of time.

But the question we received was about masturbation to relieve sexual tension when spouses are apart for a period of time. Is it okay? The answer is yes. I know that from growing up, my religion (or what my parents called religion, we never really went to church) frowned on masturbation and I even thought it was dirty myself since I always did it in secret. But once you have married, you create a new bond with your spouse and sex is a big part of it. It is okay to miss that intimacy with your spouse.

Keep in mind one thing though…it is really easy to let temptation slip into your thoughts as well. Make sure that you’re keeping your thoughts pure about your spouse as you masturbate. Do not allow other sinful thoughts to enter into your mind. Your focus should be on keeping your drive and your libido up for the times when your spouse comes home. Even if your spouse is with you 24/7, it is still allowable to masturbate on occasion to keep your libido and your sexual desire up.

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