Q&A: Instructional Sex Videos

Question: My wife and I have started to watch instructional videos by “better sex” and we are wondering if that is OK. We both were looking for something a little more “detailed” and “explicit,” but not porn. Is this wrong?

Answer: I researched the Better Sex Guide DVDs and my initial impression is that it is probably best to avoid them. Here are my reasons:

1) In most cases, the actors are not actually married (though they may be acting as though they are) so not only are you entering in to voyeurism, but you are also supporting an industry that doesn’t hold any regard for the standard God established for a wonderful sex life.

2) I am convinced that you can learn more by communicating well with one another and reading non-pornographic material from Christians who hold a godly world view on sexuality than you can learn from such videos. There are so many wonderful books and websites released by people who are making every effort to be sure that their sex lives line up with God’s standard. If you want to become better lovers, you are better off pursuing healthy information like this from Christians and establishing good communication about your sexual relationship. The DVDs seem like the easy way out and will not benefit you as greatly in the long run. Many of the reviews I read indicated that they weren’t very helpful to the people who watched them anyway.

3) Finally, the issue of lust is a key and you would be hard pressed to convince me that men and women can watch these DVDs without allowing the sin of lust into their hearts.

Thank you for your question. We bless you and your wife to have an increase in godly passion in your marriage.


  1. my husband and i have also watched the better sex video series, and although the sinclair institute which produces those videos is not christian-oriented,several of the educational sex videos show supposedly married couples and are what i would call moral erotic videos.however, sinclair institute also sells some porn industry videos which are clearly immoral and the alexander institute which makes the “lovingsex”series has homosexual titles in its repertoire(again clearly immoral). this creates a dilemma for couples like us who have truly benefitted from watching verified married couples making love. the site “marriageromance.com” features romantic and erotic stories written by christian couples.they also are behind “marriagevideoproductions.com”, a controversial effort to produce videos of anonymous christian couples in romantic, and yes, explicit sexual scenes. i am sorry that i posted my last comment on the wrong article. i am not good with computers. and i do not wish to harm the spirit of you girls and your desire to keep your marriage bed exclusive, even in media thatyou bring in to your bedroom. but i am guessing that the majority of you girls are young marrieds and have not yet had to contend with the lure of pornography on your husbands. we know that the divorce rate among us evangelical christians is higher than in the secular culture. this is unbearable in that we are supposed to be the guardians of stable families.and although money problems contribute to marital discord, the biggest source of frustration in christian marriages is clearly sexual. we simply must become a little more lenient in some sexual gray areas so that our husbands can be sexually fulfilled.i once pursued a very puritan approach to all depictions of nudity. i still will not tolerate modern hollywood movies where sex and violence are blended and which most christians do not censor from their homes.but i want to be much more tolerant of nudity, where no violence is permitted, and to celebrate married christian sexual unions, even when some possible moral lines might be blurred. we live in a culture filled with violent media images, profanity,and sublimated sexual violence. i am convinced that moral erotic videos can save marriages,not destroy them and that our celebration of godly sexuality will be a testimony to the world.

  2. You said: “we simply must become a little more lenient in some sexual gray areas so that our husbands can be sexually fulfilled.” It is my conviction (and the very purpose of this blog) that a wife who is enthusiastic about her sexual relationship with her husband is going to do her part in sexually fulfilling him. There is no legitimate reason for soft core pornography to be necessary in a marriage and in a marriage where the wife or husband is not giving themselves freely to their spouse, this is still not a license to utilize lust in order to become sexually fulfilled.
    You also said: “but i am guessing that the majority of you girls are young marrieds and have not yet had to contend with the lure of pornography on your husbands.” I don’t know how you correlate the number of years that a couple has been married with it effecting a husbands ability to have self control in resisting urges to look at pornography, but the truth is that many of us have battled issues with pornography for ourselves and our husbands. We realize what a battle it is and it has hit very close to home for many of us.

    It appears that you have worked hard to legitimize viewing soft core pornography (or for your husband to view it) and I don’t feel inclined to convince you otherwise, but there is a line between approaching nudity as though it is all sin and watching other husbands and wives having sex for the purpose of being sexually fulfilled. In my opinion, your position crosses that line.

  3. Amen cinnamonsticks. Maedi, porn was a problem early in my marriage. My DH and I have been married 11 years. Feb.19, 2002 my husband by Gods grace and the awesome support of Setting Captives Free has been free of porn and sexual immorality. I currently counsel women who a married to men like my husband was. Cinnamon has hit the nail square on the head with COMMUNICATION. In an awakening I found that and now we have the most open and fun sexual relationship ever. We are both very dedicated to Christ and making our marriage bed pure. Bringing any outside media depicting anyone other than yourselves into the bedroom is (as I have said before) sinful and immoral. May God show you ways to please your husband through His Spirit.

  4. I understand where you are coming from with your perspective on movies. But I think this is one of those things that can work for some and not for others. We enjoy having porn on in the bedroom during sex. It’s not about lusting after the people on the screen. It’s just the sounds, the eroticism of it all. Almost like we’re having sex in a room with other people, but we’re not. It’s just good kinky fun.

  5. Not to mention the victimization of the sex industry, porn is a distraction from deeper intimacy. You can’t convince me otherwise. And if you have it on during sex, you would have to do a lot of convincing to make me believe that that is the only time you use it.

  6. Okay. I understand the moral stance on pornography involving real-life individuals being portrayed. But what about cartoon video illustrations, such as those in Hentai? I wouldn’t think those would invite lustful thoughts, or would they?

  7. Hentai is part of the culture of pornography. It is feeding lustful thoughts into your mind. Totally inappropriate. Did you know that in Japanese Hentai means “Sexually perverted”? Rather than grasping at straws in an attempt hold onto sexual addictions we need to trust the Word of God and FLEE from sexual immortality. This is the definition of flee: 1 a: to run away often from danger or evil : fly b: to hurry toward a place of security.

  8. Remember when love was pure and love was love? Did adam need an instructional video to engage in sexual relations with his wife eve? Adam was the father of all the living and probably had more sex than any one on the face of the planet till this day. Think of it , God told him and his wife to “multiply and replenish the earth” Adam and eve did allot of replenishing alright and without the aid of an instructional video. God the creator was their God and God did not produce a porn educational video to guide their way, They weren’t stupid enough yet. When sin entered the world Satan was now the new God on the earth and he and his followers, fallen angels wanted to take the place of God not only thru control and deception but also wanted to teach man their ways thus the saying “our ways are not Gods’ ways. leaving God the creator out of the equation. So now we have Demons trying to teach us what is ok and what are good techniques instead of receiving such instructions straight from the one who created sex,” Creator God..Himself..” Other people want to teach us something they didn’t invent? Please someone please get me the inventor, He should know how it goes, He knows every technique and position possible ,he created it. Sex is from God our creator and our creator only, so why let someone who is filled with their own demons teach us something that only God can provide when he himself created sexual excitement and fullfillment. God when included creates the right atmosphere for us to explore with him. Ask God for a great sex life , I did and wow its amazing! Ever had sex in the presence of heaven the way it was suppose to be? Its woooooooooooooow!

  9. i have read comments by all and it is clear where everyone is coming from. i am not a porn person, I do not find it interesting and it is here that i have become aware for the first time that people actually lust after the actors of the porn movies. I was always of the opinion that people who watched porn watched for the kicks they get from them and maybe learn a thing or two. This view again may be because of our traditional and non liberal view of porn and even sex.
    However, I want to agree with lalaland69 (though not on all comments because it did not justify why one truly watches them) that soft porn as it is called in educational videos and even books on sex is an issue that works for some and doesn’t for others. Like many other things in life.
    I agree completely with cinnamonsticks on communication which is the key even after the porn watching.
    I also marvel at the fact that even today we preach abstinence instead of discipline. we condemn completely when we know it is a matter of choice. We protect from an experience when we know that most people will only learn from an experience. This truly is the cause of most sexual perversion. Thus as Christians we lie, pretend and covert when in truth there is no need for it.

  10. My goodness, call me a prude but I turn my head when I see someone on tv kissing. To many, actors kissing is just that, acting, but to me I see two unmarried (or married to another person) people sharing an intimate act intended for those intended for marriage/and for the married. Even still, the actors then go on to kiss many others in a variety of other roles. Sometimes I wonder where the line gets drawn in our lives, how many of us justify what is plain frong from scripture for the sake of pleasure/education? I know I will be the first to admit to being guilty of past choices. So all I can suggest is to be honest with yourself, seek God and allow Him to lead and His blessings will follow. “A drop of water is harmless. but when it becomes a waterfall it can be dangerous”

  11. i certainly agree that a line must be drawn in actors kissing–how far is too far–but it’s also something to consider that kissing is just kissing. in many cultures it’s not only acceptable (within families/close friends, married or not/to other people) to kiss eachother upon greeting/leaving/just cuz, even on the mouth. unmarried people/to other people can kiss on the mouth, but there are certainly boundaries that should be applied and personal reverances too when it comes to actors kissing in their roles. i dont particularly think it’s wrong for actors to kiss in a role, but sex scenes absolutely!

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