Q&A: Sexual Significance and Low Sex Drive

1. My husband and I have been married ten years this June. So I am planning to make this tenth year anniversary a little “sexually significant”. I would really appreciate your advice. We have two elementary school age kids.

2. We had a little dent in our marriage and finances in the last couple of years and by God’s grace we are recovering from it. By God’s grace, I recovered quicker than my husband. Under the circumstances, my husband is depressed and lost interest in sex, or rather low in sex drive at the moment. Are there any ideas to make him mad after me? He loves and values me more now, I guess that’s more than enough for me…. but due to his decreased sex drive, I am kind of going out of sorts.

Happy Anniversary!!!!! A great way to make this anniversary more “sexually significant” is to go outside your comfort zone.  It doesn’t need to be anything dramatic.  Try putting a note in his car before he leaves for work and you could title it “The Top 10 Reasons I Love You”.   If you don’t usually touch, then you could try putting on a show for your husband by touching yourself while giving him a nice relaxing massage.  Want to be a bit bolder?   Why not have a seductive dinner in your bedroom and then choreograph a strip dance routine designed just for him?   I hope this short list helps.  I tried to think of activities that would be a nice addition to your husband’s memory bank without the financial burden.

As for the second part of your question, have you two talked about his low sex drive?  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what’s going on around us that we lose site of the important stuff.  Maybe that is the case with him?  It sounds like your husband knows he is blessed to have you in his life.  Do you let him know how blessed you feel to have him in your life?  Men often feel a tremendous amount of responsibility for providing for the family.  Keep raising him up in prayer.  Let him know how much you value him.    I’ve seen many situations where the husband is a  work-a-holic.  Looking back, I think they became one because that’s where they received the most validation.  Their marriage wasn’t great but they were good at their occupation so that’s where they spent their time.  I know that you didn’t say that your husband is the same but I just want to show you how important it is for them to feel validated.  I wrote a little on this in the article called ‘Sex Object’. I don’t know if all this will make your husband ‘mad after you’ but it can’t hurt.  I think we all have a fire somewhere inside us and it’s just a matter of finding out how to get from smoke to flame.  Do not underestimate the power of prayer.

Thanks for your question.


  1. My husband’s birthday was in March and I was trying to figure out what to do for him with little to no money. (Things are extremely tight for us too.) I kept debating as to what he might sexually enjoy the most. So, finally, I made a list of some things that either I knew he already really like or I had never really done before and were a bit of a stretch for me. I gave him the list a week ahead of time and asked him what he would like for his birthday. (I also made him put numbers next to the options to give me an idea of what he would like the most and the least.) Here was my list:

    – Oral sex utilizing all the tips and tricks I can find.
    – Striptease performed by that sexy wife of yours.
    – Trimming and/or shaving of part or all of the intimate regions (hmmmm…. mine and/or yours).
    – Photography of your sexy wife or videotaping a sexual encounter with your woman.

    Even though I made him pick one, I gave him both his first and second choices and surprised him by asking my parents watch the kids overnight so we had the whole evening and morning alone together. My husband was very blessed!

    As far as making him sexually interested in you, I would definitely agree with prayer and talking about it with him. I did this not too long ago with my husband. To make it easier, I found a questionairre on “The Marriage Bed” message boards. I added a few things and then gave it to him to fill out. I also filled one out and then we read each other’s. If this subject might feel awkward to talk about, then this might be a great tool for you. (If you want, I can copy it somewhere for you to read.) Using the info you learn together, you should know a little better what turns you husband on. Then just do what he likes!

  2. Hey mackeytr! Go ahead and send us the link to that questionnaire. We’ll include it here.

  3. Great idea, mackeytr!!!! Don’t be afraid to tweak it to make it geared more towards your relationship with your husband.

    Sex Survey

    (insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
    I ____ share my fantasies with my partner
    I ____ to have sex ___ daily, ___ 2x week, ___ 3x week, ___ 1x week, ___ never stop
    I ____ being ravished
    I ____ sex in the ___morning, ___afternoon, ___evening best
    I ____ to find my partner naked ready for sex
    I need to have more sex ___yes, ___ no
    I need less sex than my spouse ___often, ___sometimes, ___ never
    When my spouse rubs, massages my ______ I want sex instantly
    My partner’s satisfaction is just as important as mine __always , __sometimes, __never
    I am turned on when my spouse tells me they love me by ___________
    I have a lot of fantasies __yes __no
    I feel comfortable sharing my fantasies with my spouse ___ yes, ___no

    (insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
    I ____ it really slow and erotic with lots of touching
    I ____ to give my spouse massages
    I ____ to shower with my spouse
    I ____ to see my spouse partially clothed
    I ____ my nipples pinched massaged squeezed
    I ____ to watch my spouse masturbate
    I ____ to masturbate
    I ____ to mutually masturbate with my spouse
    I ____ when my spouse offers themselves to me

    (insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
    I ____ it when my partner tells me they are not wearing underwear
    I ____ my partner to wear something I can tear off them
    I ____ my partner to dress scantly
    I ____ to see my spouse in a thong
    I ____ exposing parts of my body to attract attention
    I ____ my spouse to wear a skirt with crotch less panties / hose

    (insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
    I ____ the missionary position
    I ____ to be on the bottom
    I ____ to 69
    I ____ the woman on top facing away
    I ____ to be on top
    I ____ anal sex
    I ____ it Doggy style
    I ____ side by side

    (insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
    I ____ sex in the shower
    I ____ sex on the dining room table
    I ____ sex on the kitchen counter
    I ____ sex in an office
    I ____ sex in the living room
    I ____ sex in cars or vans
    I ____ sex outdoors
    I ____ sex in the pool
    I ____ sex in the hot tube

    (insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
    I ____ my spouse to make noise during sex
    I ____ talking dirty to my spouse
    I ____ to make my spouse yell out with passion during sex
    I ____ it when my spouse uses short phrases like YES, Faster, Harder, repeatedly
    I ____ it when my spouse tells me to _____ them now

    I come stronger and faster when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
    I am turned off when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
    I am turned on when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
    I am turned off when my spouse use clinical terms ___ yes, ___ no

    (insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
    I ____ to finger my spouse to orgasm
    I ____ to be fingered to orgasm
    I ____ giving oral sex
    I ____ receiving oral sex
    I ____ my spouse to perform oral sex without my asking

    (insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
    I ____ to skinny dip
    I ____ to use a vibrator
    I ____ to use lube
    I ____ to eat ____ fruit off your naked body
    I can’t stand it when the dog or cat is watching us have sex ___ yes, ___ no
    My favorite thing you wear to tell me you want sex is _______
    My favorite food to play with during sex is __________
    I like sex best when we ___________
    The best time we had sex was __________

  4. This is basically the same questionairre. I just customized a few things. One thing we changed was another like/dislike category called “might like” in case it is something we hadn’t tried but might enjoy trying.

  5. Sometimes less is more. We found a phermone enhanced sheet spray from slumber parties( This is not a christian site) at a point or 2 in the past i have been known to get morose over things going the ways that they have. The linen spray ,”prompts” my body into doing when my mind gets funky and forgets. You might try it. You also might try getting him to take some vitmin b6 or eating some cherries. AVOID grapes and grape products, they tend to be nerve calmers and can help make you drowsey, especially the white ones.

  6. How would I go about asking my husband to fill out the questions? I have dealt with a refuser for alot of years and the past couple have gotten better but I’m always so scared!

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