Q&A: “I’m scared to touch myself”

We received a question from a young woman engaged to be married. Here is an excerpt:

My problem is the article on masturbation… (I think you are referring to this article) or, more specifically, touching myself period. I grew up in a very conservative Christian home and was told that I shouldn’t touch myself and that girls didn’t masturbate – they just didn’t. I guess I didn’t really put two and two together that when I randomly get wet I masturbate until I read this site (so thanks!). So here’s the truth… I’M SCARED TO TOUCH MYSELF AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START!!!!! I’ve looked all over the Internet trying to find a simple diagram of my body parts… I’m slightly freaked out about the white stuff that comes out when I masturbate with my guy (it smells funny… what the heck is it called anyway!?!?!?)…. I can masturbate to orgasms when I’m making out with my guy… and masturbate a bit on my own… but not much… I really want to masturbate to orgasm on my own! I want to know how to touch my body… and what’s what… and so I won’t be afraid and all that stuff… I’m thinking a good first step might be shaving my [pubic hair] so that I can see what’s down there.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I am sure that you have all kinds of preparations that you are making and it’s nice to see that you are also preparing yourselves for a healthy sex life.

I will answer some of your questions and interact with some of your thoughts, but need to first establish some clarity on something. From what you wrote, it sounds like you and your future husband may be masturbating together and that you are experiencing an orgasm with him in some matter. I may have misunderstood, but if that is the case I would encourage you to consider whether you have overstepped an appropriate line in purity. I think I understand correctly that you haven’t had intercourse, but it’s possible that you are more physically involved with one another than you should be. The following articles may help you discern this.

Premarital Sex: How Far Is Too Far?

Lust: What To Keep In Mind

Regarding some of the questions that you asked, “the white stuff” I think that you are referring to is your lubrication. When you become aroused your body produces a natural lubricant that allows for intercourse to happen. At certain times of the month it can range from thick and white to watery and clear depending on how close you are to ovulation. The reason for it becoming thick and white is that during ovulation, that will allow for the sperm to reach the egg more easily, allowing a woman to become pregnant. So “the white stuff” is very normal and very necessary in order for sex to occur.

I am not sure how much detail you want in a diagram of your genitals, but I can point you to two pages at The Marriage Bed that might be helpful for you. The first one is a description of the female genitals without a diagram and the other is a description with a diagram. You can view whichever one you find most helpful. You will also find a description of male genitalia on the site in the the Biology section if you would like information on that.

A lot of Christians grow up being taught that masturbation is wrong so you are not alone in that. The position we take at Christian Nymphos is that it is a neutral activity that can become sin in certain situations, not by what you do, but by what is happening in your heart when you do it. You can view an article on this at greater length here.

There is no wrong way to masturbate so it’s okay if you don’t know where to start. The purpose of masturbation, besides controlling your sex drive before you are married, is to learn what you enjoy and how your body responds to stimulation. Spend a few minutes in the shower or bath exploring what feels good. If you want to shave or closely trim your pubic hair, that is a good idea. Use a mirror and look at your body to understand where your clitoris is and take the time to learn its role in arousal. Using the diagram or description in the link I provided, see how your own genitals compare as we are all a little bit different. The more comfortable and educated you are about your body, the better off you will be when you are married and become sexually active.

You may also find this article helpful as you prepare for your honeymoon.

Fantastic Honeymoon Sex Guide for the Virgin

Thank you for your question and feel free to ask if you would like more information.

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