Phone Sex

Many couples are separated for an extended amount of time in today’s world.  Some husbands are deployed, away on business trips or unavailable because of many other circumstances that are beyond our control.  This does not mean that your level of intimacy should come to a screeching halt.  I am talking about letting your fingers do the walking, literally.  Phone sex can bridge that emotional/physical gap between husband and wife.

 

If this is something you have never done before it may feel a little awkward at first.  Push past that feeling and be confident. If you feel self conscious, try turning off the lights.  The phone conversation does not need to be the “What are you wearing?” variety.  To get things rolling just think back to a steamy encounter you and your husband have had in the past.  Remember that if you are initiating this that your level of arousal will most likely be higher than his at this moment.  Paint a picture with words.  Be very descriptive when you tell him what you loved about that encounter and talk about the things that really turn him on.  Does he loves receiving oral from you?  Then describe what you wish you could be doing with your mouth.  Your words and the tone of your voice will have a major impact on his arousal.  Share how aroused you are and tell him what you are aching to do.  If you love your man’s muscular thighs then tell him how much you would like to feel those muscles under your fingers or tongue.  Encourage him to participate by asking him what he would want you to do next.   If you have a fantasy that you are a bit shy about sharing you could introduce it at this time.  An example would be “How would you like it if I tied you up?”  If he encouraged you to go on, you could describe yourself doing a seductive strip tease and be sure to tell him exactly what you are doing to yourself.  He can not feel your body so you need to describe exactly what you are feeling with your fingers.  If you are comfortable using a vibrator, then, by all means, go for it.  Your words are not the only audio he is taking in.  He can hear the buzzing of a vibrator, the rapid pace of your breathing and the groan escaping from your mouth.  He will get sensory overload and he’ll love every minute of it!!

 

Now, in the perfect scenario, when all is said and done, we would have a very happy, satisfied couple.  Would you just roll over and go to sleep?  Say “So, how about them Cubs?”  No, you would tell him how great it was and how it made you feel with a hug, words or a kiss.  Seeing that the hugging and kissing part are not options then communicate how you feel with words.  Tell him how your climax felt and what your body experienced.  Just because you are on the phone doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t bask in the afterglow.

Q&A: “I’m scared to touch myself”

We received a question from a young woman engaged to be married. Here is an excerpt:

My problem is the article on masturbation… (I think you are referring to this article) or, more specifically, touching myself period. I grew up in a very conservative Christian home and was told that I shouldn’t touch myself and that girls didn’t masturbate – they just didn’t. I guess I didn’t really put two and two together that when I randomly get wet I masturbate until I read this site (so thanks!). So here’s the truth… I’M SCARED TO TOUCH MYSELF AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START!!!!! I’ve looked all over the Internet trying to find a simple diagram of my body parts… I’m slightly freaked out about the white stuff that comes out when I masturbate with my guy (it smells funny… what the heck is it called anyway!?!?!?)…. I can masturbate to orgasms when I’m making out with my guy… and masturbate a bit on my own… but not much… I really want to masturbate to orgasm on my own! I want to know how to touch my body… and what’s what… and so I won’t be afraid and all that stuff… I’m thinking a good first step might be shaving my [pubic hair] so that I can see what’s down there.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I am sure that you have all kinds of preparations that you are making and it’s nice to see that you are also preparing yourselves for a healthy sex life.

I will answer some of your questions and interact with some of your thoughts, but need to first establish some clarity on something. From what you wrote, it sounds like you and your future husband may be masturbating together and that you are experiencing an orgasm with him in some matter. I may have misunderstood, but if that is the case I would encourage you to consider whether you have overstepped an appropriate line in purity. I think I understand correctly that you haven’t had intercourse, but it’s possible that you are more physically involved with one another than you should be. The following articles may help you discern this.

Premarital Sex: How Far Is Too Far?

Lust: What To Keep In Mind

Regarding some of the questions that you asked, “the white stuff” I think that you are referring to is your lubrication. When you become aroused your body produces a natural lubricant that allows for intercourse to happen. At certain times of the month it can range from thick and white to watery and clear depending on how close you are to ovulation. The reason for it becoming thick and white is that during ovulation, that will allow for the sperm to reach the egg more easily, allowing a woman to become pregnant. So “the white stuff” is very normal and very necessary in order for sex to occur.

I am not sure how much detail you want in a diagram of your genitals, but I can point you to two pages at The Marriage Bed that might be helpful for you. The first one is a description of the female genitals without a diagram and the other is a description with a diagram. You can view whichever one you find most helpful. You will also find a description of male genitalia on the site in the the Biology section if you would like information on that.

A lot of Christians grow up being taught that masturbation is wrong so you are not alone in that. The position we take at Christian Nymphos is that it is a neutral activity that can become sin in certain situations, not by what you do, but by what is happening in your heart when you do it. You can view an article on this at greater length here.

There is no wrong way to masturbate so it’s okay if you don’t know where to start. The purpose of masturbation, besides controlling your sex drive before you are married, is to learn what you enjoy and how your body responds to stimulation. Spend a few minutes in the shower or bath exploring what feels good. If you want to shave or closely trim your pubic hair, that is a good idea. Use a mirror and look at your body to understand where your clitoris is and take the time to learn its role in arousal. Using the diagram or description in the link I provided, see how your own genitals compare as we are all a little bit different. The more comfortable and educated you are about your body, the better off you will be when you are married and become sexually active.

You may also find this article helpful as you prepare for your honeymoon.

Fantastic Honeymoon Sex Guide for the Virgin

Thank you for your question and feel free to ask if you would like more information.

Monday’s Mission #15

This week’s Monday’s mission is truly a romantic one. If you choose to accept this mission, use candles during Love Making. Candles can add such wonderful warmth to a room and is a very romantic way to connect with your spouse.

Position #23: The Pile Driver

I thought that this week I’d change things up a bit. This one is probably the most difficult position we’ve done thus far. Even if you don’t think you can do this one, give it a try! My husband and I have tried it, unsuccessfully, but got a lot of laughs from it and some nice memories! Sometimes there is emotional bonding sex and other times there is just sex that is fun! This position would go in the latter 😛

Okay, to start with, the wife will need to get into the Yoga Plough Pose pictured below:

If you are unsure as to how to get into this position, then watch the animated woman in this video. It shows you from the beginning step by step how to do it.

Once the wife is in place, the husband walks up to her, facing her, and inserts his penis by bending it downward. The husband will probably have to bend his body down a bit and use his thigh muscles to go down and up for thrusting. If there is furniture (sofa, table, counter top) nearby for him to lean a hand on, it may help. For another set of basic steps to help you get into position, try this link.

To add another degree of difficulty to this already outlandish position, have the husband try to change angles by putting one of his legs through one of the wife’s legs as described in #4 of this link. It would put you looking something like our dear friends the stick people.

Pros: This position is very fun to try. If you are in a light-hearted, willing to try something new mood, then this will put a smile on both your faces! Then next year, at your family reunion, you can elbow your husband and whisper in his ear…“Hey, you remember last year when we tried the Pile Driver?” 😆

Cons: This position requires a very limber wife and a husband who has some strength in his legs! It is also uncomfortable for some men, to have their penis bend down like this.

Clitoral Stimulation

If your husband is looking for some ideas on how to stimulate your clitoris here are some to pass along. 

Lubrication is a must!!! If there is not enough natural lube for his figures to slide easily then by all means use CO or whatever your favorite lube may be.  Natural lube varies depending where we are in our cycle.  If your natural lube dries up it usually has nothing to do with your level of arousal and more to do with where you are in your cycle.

Here are some different techniques that he can try:

Move in circles~ Put two fingers together, move in circles starting with a light pressure.

Go up and down~ Instead of moving in circles move you two fingers in an up and down motion.

Barely there~ Graze the clitoris with the lightest touch possible.  If you enjoy this you could also try incorporating different objects such as a feather or silk undies.

Handful of Sunshine~ Have his palm rest on your clitoris while his fingers play at your vagina’s entrance or have him reach for your G-spot using his fingers in a come hither motion. If you start grinding against his palm then he should take this as a very good sign.

Tour Guide~ Put your hand over his and guide his hand/fingers to what feels good.

Thumbing~As he uses his thumb to stimulate your clitoris, he can also insert a couple of fingers into your vagina. If you like anal stimulation he can try to tickle that area with his pinky.

When trying these different techniques remember you can always apply more pressure as needed but unlike a man’s penis the clitoris is extra sensitive (which you should know especially if you read our article on the clitoris.)  It should be handled with care and a softer touch is usually more effective. Have him try different speeds and tell him what feels best. Once you find a speed and pressure that works make sure you tell your husband to keep doing whatever it is he’s doing.  Sometimes men think they need to speed it up when we are about to experience an orgasm and that is not the case.  Remember to communicate your wants and needs.  This seems to really turn my husband on and it could do the same for yours.  If all goes well don’t forget to tell him how good he is at following directions. 😉

Dealing with Disagreements

Disagreements:  Recently we received an email from a reader telling us about their spousal confilicts and I know that they are not alone.  It happens between even the most perfect of couples.  Arguments can often be frustrating since most of the time each party believes that he/she is correct and then there is the task of resolving feelings and coming to a feasible compromise or understanding.  Too many times during heated discussions feelings are hurt, words are said that can’t be taken back and nothing ever gets solved resulting in even more exasperation and anger to either be dealt with or swept under the rug which is liable to rear its ugly head in the near future.  But, there is a much better alternative.  Over the years, I have had the privilege of taking some courses on communication and I’d like to share with you some things that I have gleaned.

Rules:

1. Attitude- A song lyric that comes to mind is “They say attitudes are contagious like  the measles or the flu.  What kind of attitude can someone catch from you?”  One indispensable mind-set is commitment.  Be committed to your spouse.  Be committed to speak the truth in love.  Be committed to compromise.  And mostly, be committed to Jesus Christ.

2. Time- Do your best not to engage in spontaneous arguments.  Instead schedule a convenient time for both parties to openly discuss an issue.  Be sure to do this as soon as possible because the longer a situation isn’t dealt with the easier it is for bitterness to build up.

3. Place- Pick a safe environment devoid of distractions including the TV, kids and phones.   Put everything else on hold until your discussion is completely finished.

4. Prayer- Before bringing up a topic, be sure you first discuss it with the Lord.  Ask Him to shed light on the situation and to prepare your heart and the heart of your spouse for the upcoming exchange.  Then before your dialogue, pray together.  Each of you should take a turn to either pray for yourself or one another.

5. Use “I” statements- During your argument, be sure to keep it about what you are feeling.  Remember that no one can make you feel a certain way; rather we choose what we feel.

6. Things to Avoid- Don’t be sarcastic.  Assuming you know what your partner is going to say isn’t helpful; maintain an open mind.  Don’t counter-attack or bring up a “laundry- list” of past wrongs; remain focused on the topic at hand.  Remember, it’s not about winning; it’s about understanding and compromise.

7. The Stance- Just like it’s important for an athlete to be at the proper starting position, the same is true for the two of you during a discussion.  Always face each other and make eye contact.  Don’t close off your body by crossing your legs or arms.  Lean in towards each other or even hold hands while you talk.

Alright, now that the ground is prepared by the rules from above, the rest is going to be all about the process of seeking to understand before being understood by way of reflection.  Reflection is simply a repetition technique, where the words and feelings are expressed back to the person from whom they originated.  This makes sure that the true sentiments are being understood by the listener.

Step 1: Simply state the complaint.  State what is wrong and how you feel about it. Your partner will then relay back the information (and only the information).   This step may be repeated as necessary. When the originator feels as if they are understood, then segue to the next step by saying something like “I believe that you have heard me.  Now what would you like to share?”

Step 2: Your partner will share his/her feelings in regards to the previously shared information.  As in step one, the originator will reflect the sentiments of their partner without interjecting personal feelings.  This step may also be repeated as needed, but make sure to only talk about the original subject matter.

Step 3: Resolve the issue.

  • First, each of you should ask and grant forgiveness out loud.  This doesn’t mean that you were wrong or your intent was malicious, it just acknowledges that your actions or words did hurt your loved one.
  • Secondly, the partner that originated the dialogue should propose a solution using the same techniques as described in previous steps.  Once the reflection and understanding has taken place then the partner may agree, disagree or propose an alternative compromise.  Repeat the process as necessary.
  • A “time-out” may then be essential to gather thoughts before a solution is chosen.  Spend a few minutes alone thinking about your options.
  • Thirdly, choose a solution.  Make sure the plan is understood by each partner and that it will improve the relationship. Give yourselves a time line to see the solution in action after which you will then reevaluate how it’s working.

Step 4:  Affirm one another.  Let each other know how much you appreciate their willingness to work through issues.  (This could also be a great time for some “make-up sex!)

Step 5:  Review the conflict.  Spend some time in personal reflection and evaluate if the rules and steps were followed.  Ask yourself if you learned anything during the process.  Did God teach you anything about yourself or your spouse?  Then, at the appointed time, review the solution with your partner to make sure it’s effective.

Now, I understand if you are thinking “This seems kind of lengthy… and cheesy.”  And believe me, I didn’t think much better of this technique when it was first introduced to us.  But, we tried it… over and over… and once you get the “process” down, it actually flows quite nicely.  This technique allows you to convey your feelings without being overly emotional.  It takes the heat out of the moment because we must slow down and really focus on the other person instead of selfishly wanting to get our point across by any means necessary.

I’ll leave you with 1Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

Love does not demand its own way.

Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.

It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Q&A: Painful Intercourse in the First Year

At times a couple who has waited to have sex until marriage will leave their wedding expecting that there will be some minor pain and discomfort for the woman associated with having intercourse. Unfortunately for some women the pain is much more severe and more difficult to overcome.

We received the following question from a newly wedded couple:

We have been married for about 6 months and we don’t have intercourse very often because of the severe pain that my wife goes through. We recently went to a highly recommended gynecologist and she said that every thing was normal and suggested we changed birth controls. We tried again and still the same pain. Do you guys have any suggestions? Any stretches? Creams? We have found creative things to do which is awesome, but we would both like to enjoy intercourse. Thank you!

I can understand your frustration because sex was painful for me for nearly a year when I was first married. Even after the first year I would often be uncomfortable for the first few thrusts. In fact, I would say that it wasn’t until after the birth of my first child that every sexual encounter was completely comfortable from beginning to end. It could be that I was just smaller than average, but I think a number of other factors contributed to the problem as well.

This helpful website defines vaginismus as vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse.

It is not at all an uncommon problem. Your wife and I are not the only women who have experienced it and it can be over come. Please visit the vaginismus site and read over it with your wife as it will provide you with far more information than I can offer you in this one article.

One thing to consider is how much time you are spending in foreplay. If your wife isn’t aroused enough it will be more painful for her. Not only will arousal allow her body to produce her natural lubricant, but it will also add more elasticity to her vagina which will allow her to accommodate you more easily. Try getting her to orgasm first through oral or manual sex, and then try entering her after she has had an orgasm. Or try getting her to the point where she is right on the edge of orgasm and then enter her at that point. Adding some artificial lubricant such as coconut oil is a good idea too, but avoid the misconception that in and of itself it should be enough. She needs to be aroused.

It is very likely that with the history you have so far, your wife is battling some negative physiological mentalities as you prepare to come together for sex, as I’m sure you are. It is very hard to enjoy the thought of having sex together if it always causes pain so it is probably very hard for her to get aroused. So it is a vicious cycle as depicted by this chart.

It’s good you were able to visit a gynecologist to determine whether or not there was another problem. For the couples who read here who are experiencing this and haven’t seen your doctor yet, I would encourage you to do so because they may be able to give you some helpful insight. When I visited my doctor in the first month after we were married, he suggested that perhaps the pain was just because we were having too much sex, being newly married Christians who had waited. This is a very real possibility and it could indeed be a reason for pain, but in cases like yours and mine, the pain involved was enough to keep us from engaging in intercourse all that often. I wasn’t really satisfied with my visit to my doctor that particular day, but I wasn’t the self assured woman I am now who will go after what she wants and needs so I left thinking we’d have to figure it out for ourselves.

There are a variety of different techniques the two of you can employ in order to work towards solving this. Some couples have had success with these dilators. Your wife will start with the smallest one and gradually increase the size as she becomes comfortable. You may also find that if she does pelvic floor exercises that it will help.

I’m not sure if you and your wife are in the habit of praying for your sexuality, but I would definitely spend some time praying about this as well as praying about other aspects of your sexual relationship. For some couples it might seem odd to pray about sexually related things, but it is important because as you connect with God about these things not only can He help you, but He teaches you how He sees things so you can grow in having His perspective of sex.

These ideas and the vaginismus site should point you in the right direction to solving this problem. Bless you!

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