Here are two emails we recently received:
My question is this, is there a way to help my wife enjoy performing oral sex? When we first got married 30+ yrs. ago, for the 1st. year there was mutual oral sex between us and she seemed to truly enjoy that, as did I. Then after a year of marriage, she said she didn’t enjoy performing though she did and still does really enjoy receiving. I asked her about the 1st. year and she admitted that she only led me to believe she enjoyed it because she was afraid I would leave her. Well, here we are past our 30th wedding anniv. I haven’t and won’t leave her, but I do miss the receiving end of oral sex. So is there anything I can do??? Not, she said it was not the taste, though she rarely ever swallowed even then, she just says it’s simply the idea that bothers her about it. Can you give any advice???
I AM A MALE WITH A VERY HIGH SEX DRIVE AND WOULD LIKE TO GIVE AND RECEIVE ORAL SEX IN MY LIFETIME. WIFE DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ORAL SEX AND TRYING NEW THINGS. WHAT IS A MAN TO DO. IT JUST ABOUT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
Our target audience is women, and usually we do not answer questions like this from men. However, we get so many emails each week exactly like the two quoted above. I feel like there are probably women out there who could potentially benefit from talking about this subject. I know for a fact that there are many women who are just not comfortable giving oral sex. So let me address some common fears & concerns that you ladies may have out there. And any side notes for your husbands to read will be in blue. Hopefully this will prompt a discussion in the comments section.
Feeling Like Oral Sex is Sinful – If you are a woman who considers oral sex a sin, then I encourage you to read Cinnamon Stick’s article: Oral Sex: Spice or Sin? The Marriage Bed also offers Paul & Lori’s take on oral sex in their article: What’s Okay? What’s Not? I encourage you to re-examine why you feel the way you do. Is it simply because you were told so by your parents when you were growing up? Is it because of past abuse or sexual sin in your own life? Pray over these issues and ask God to help you work through them, so that you may look at your marriage bed with your husband as pure. (Husbands, encourage your wives to research this topic with you. Read the Song of Solomon together. Pray for and with your wives. Do not badger her about this, or you will end up pushing her away.)
Feeling Like the Penis is Dirty – It isn’t uncommon for women to think that the penis is full of germs. We see our husband go off to spend a full day at work, knowing that his penis is tucked up into his underwear where it will accumulate sweat during the day. We also know that he will undoubtedly have to use the bathroom at least once but probably a few times during the day. At its most simple form, this will involve him taking out his penis to urinate, and then putting it back. And woe to us if we even contemplate thinking about our husbands having to sit on the toilet for um… #2 😯 I mean, I don’t know about your husbands, but I’m sure that every time my husband goes to poop, he wipes, washes everything thoroughly down there with antibacterial soap, rinses, and then is able to put away his penis knowing full well that it will never come in contact with anything dirty. (Just humor me and let me hang on to my little fantasy, ok?) The truth is that yes, the penis can get sweaty during the day. Yes, it is possible that it will come into contact with germs, even just from his hands. But If this is your major issue, then it can easily be overcome by a shower! If you are worried that your darling husband isn’t getting his stuff squeaky clean down there, then shower with him and offer to help him out! Then you can see for yourself that the germs are being washed away. (Husbands, take good care with your hygiene practices, and whenever possible, shower before you want oral sex.)
Fear Of Inadequacy – I remember feeling inadequate when I first went to give my husband oral sex. I had never done it before, so how was I to know if I was doing it right? It helped that my husband had never received oral sex before. So to him, any oral attentions that I gave him were wonderful! But even now, after 15 years of experience I still sometimes wonder if I’m doing a good job. It’s common for us to be critical of ourselves. We need to rise above this and make the decision to at least try to learn about giving oral sex to our husbands. For those of you out there who have never even tried it, you can start off very slowly, by just kissing his penis. Have him show you where he wants it kissed. Learn the areas that are the most sensitive (try just under the head). On those sensitive spots, just give him a lick with your tongue and see him shudder with delight. If you get uncomfortable and want to stop, then stop. Maybe the next time you can take things a little further. You don’t necessarily have to take his entire penis into your mouth the first time, or ever. Instead of sitting there thinking that you can’t, in your mind just keep telling yourself “I CAN!” For more information on beginning oral sex, check out my article Tasting His Fruit. (Husbands, encourage your wives by giving her praise when she does something that feels good to you. Point out to her where your penis is the most sensitive. If she reaches a point where she needs to stop, then tell her it’s okay and that you are proud of her for making it as far as she did! Baby steps over a period of time can result in much progress.)
Fear of Fluids – Okay ladies… Some of you are out there thinking that you don’t want to give oral sex to your husbands because you don’t want to have to taste his ejaculate. This issue is an easy one to deal with! You don’t have to taste it! Your husband will KNOW when he is getting ready to ejaculate. So when he is getting close, you can always work out a signal between you two, for him to let you know that he is getting ready to come. He could tap you on your shoulder or your head, or he could say a special word or phrase like: “I’m there!” When you hear or feel the special signal, you can stop and move your head. Then he can either pump himself or you can use your hand to pump him while he comes. The fluids will never enter your mouth. For more creative ways to handle your husband’s ejaculate, check out my article There He Blows! (Husbands, work out this signal with your wife, and do not ever forget to tell her when you are approaching climax. She is trusting you. If this is the fear that is holding your wife back from performing oral sex, then I will caution you that one time of forgetting will cost you.)
Fear of Size & Gagging – Some of you are out there thinking that you have a quick gag reflex and you just don’t believe you will be able to accommodate your husband’s size. If this truly concerns you, then go shopping! Yep, you read that right. Go to the grocery store and buy a banana or cucumber that you think is approximately the same size as your husband’s penis when erect. Length isn’t so much of an issue here, as girth is. So make sure you are looking for something that is about the same width, so that your mouth can get accustomed to it. (Don’t worry, the produce stockers will just think you are examining the fruits & vegetables for bruises 😎 ) Then take the fruit home and practice putting it into your mouth. Place a flavored condom over it if you want to. It will help it to glide better. Just practice putting it into your mouth a couple of inches. There is no rule that says you have to know how to deep throat, so get rid of those expectations if that is what is scaring you. (Husbands, do not make fun of your wife if she is honestly trying to overcome her inhibitions here. Support her and even go shopping with her!)
Whatever your issues are with oral sex, the best thing you can do is talk about them with your spouse. He cannot read your mind. Be honest about what aversions you have and discuss the possibilities of what prompted you to feel the way you do. Pray together about it, and see if you can agree to some kind of compromise.
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Christian Nymphos 
I’m glad you brought this topic up cumingirl. One of the biggest hurdles that I have had to get over is my pre-concieved notion of “being used”. Just in the past couple of years (we’ve been married 10) I have been able to retrain my thoughts from “being used” to “giving pleasure” to my husband. I would do it for him, but would not enjoy it. However, i have started enjoying it because I know that HE’s enjoying it. I think this negative attitude stemmed from seeing porn pictures where the woman was indeed “being used”. (Another reason to stay away from that stuff!)
I also have a very strong gag reflex…so on those days when even brushing my teeth is making me gag, I try to pleasure him in other way. But I have found that steady, deep breathing helps me overcome any gagging. What also helps is when we 69…or reverse 69 (even better), because I can concentrate on my own sensations too. It actually makes me want him in my mouth even more!
Thanks for opening a discussion about this very sensitive, but important topic!!
Cumingirl this was an excellent article. I was one of those wives the did not like giving oral sex but liked recieving it. My issue stemmed form sexual abuse. I recent months with Gods grace I have been able to let go of the shame and guilt of that abouse. Another of my issues was a comment my husband made a few years ago. He commented that if i was not going to give oral to the point of ejaculation then I might as well not do it. So I didn’t. It caused major problems as I was hurt. After talking to him and praying that has become a frogotten issue as well. He does not expect ejaculation because now his preference is to finish with intercourse. I had an awkening about six weeks ago and I have found a new adoration for my husbnads penis. He finds it pleasureable that I am exploring him like I have never done. Oral sex has become a joy to give and had always been a pleasure to recieve. But ladies if you give oral then the oral you get will be that much more blissful. May God bless your efforts and explorations.
hisbeautiful, I am so happy to hear that you and your husband have moved forward in this area and that you are no longer held back by shame and guilt. What a praise!
deejee33, I’m also happy to hear that you have been able to move past some issues that were holding you back as well. It is great that even though you know you have a strong gag reflex, you are still blessing your husband when you can!
One thing you didn’t address was mentioned in the second e-mail about a woman not being willing to RECEIVE oral. I know this was a weird thing for me at first. I thought it was too gross for my husband to have his mouth down there and I totally refused. Then one day out of the blue he went down after I was fully aroused (without my permission). Oh man, there was no going back for me after that. I loved it!
If you are a woman who feels weird about receiving oral, I would encourage you to just try it. Especially if your husband WANTS to do it, let him! It can never hurt to try it once. In fact, like me, you will probably love it and never want to go back to the way it was before. A whole new world awaits you!
Great advice, mackeytr!!!!!!
Wonderful article, cumingirl. 8)
Any hints for performing oral sex on a man who does not seem to like it due to having an extremely senstive penis head. This can also be somewhat of a problem when touching. My husband only likes the shaft of his penis touched and can’t stand it when the head is touched directly. He even says sometimes intercourse can cause a bit of pain.
Hmm…this makes me wonder about the possibility of using Good Head on his frenulum, or around the entire head. I use it to numb my uvula so that I can perform oral sex more effectively. It’s possible it could desensitize him to direct stimulation from your mouth or hands. It may be something to think about. Other than that, it looks like you may just need to focus your concentration on his shaft. Have you tried licking and sucking on his testicles as well? You could do that as the same time as giving him a hand job. Many men say that is very pleasurable. Maybe others will have some better suggestions for you.
He doesn’t care for having his testicles touched much either (he says it tickles!). We’re actually newly married and quite limited in what we can do because the head of his penis is so sensitive. The only two positions we’ve tried are missionary and woman on top and he only likes woman on top. We’ve attempted other positions, but because the head of his penis might graze up against something in the process of getting into position and inserting his penis it hurts him and he loses his errection. Any helpful suggestions would be welcome!
I’m so sorry to hear this! It makes me wonder if he is circumcised or not? The reason I wonder is because of this link: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/ate/menshealth/207669.html It has some good information there and also has a lot of other questions related to this that have been written in. I also found lots of other sites on the web where men were experiencing this same kind of thing. I’ve read where the foreskin can actually be too tight in some (uncircumcised) men, and can cause problems.
The only other things that come to my mind is that using a condom may help desensitize it during sex. It would put a thin barrier up that may would help him with the pain and sensitivity. Also, make sure that you are using PLENTY of lube. An over abundance of lube would lessen the friction during sex, and hopefully that would lessen his discomfort.
THank you for the link, but he is circumsized so I guess that wouldn’t be the problem.
We have tried condoms a few times and that doesn’t seem to help. They just really annoy him! We have to use a lot of lube or he can’t stand doing anything. I appreciate your suggestions. I guess we’ll just keep trying!
One thing that stops many women from enjoying the act of giving your husband oral sex is the taste! One way to combat that is to encourage your husband to lessen his caffine intake and drink plenty of juice (mine uses pineapple). He will more than likely comply because his sacrifice is outwieghed by the pleasure. It is worth the try for you to have fun!
Another thing to try instead of him pulling out to cum, is to put your toung at the back of your mouth. This way you are not “gagged by him or the cum.
Making this act ALL about his pleasure makes it a ton of fun for you too.
I know this was posted a while ago, but I just have to say that my problem isn’t the fact that I (as the wife) don’t want to try, but that my husband is really shy about it! He doesn’t want to try oral on me, either, because he’s afraid I’ll taste bad. It’s frustrating because I want to at least explore these areas, but I don’t want him to push him into anything he doesn’t want to do. It’s a weird situation for me because sometimes I feel like I’m the “man” in the relationship because I’m more open to explore new ideas and I have a higher sex drive.
I can relate to this. My husband and I have walked through some similar things and all I can say is keep exploring and trying new things. You are not abnormal for your desire to explore these things with your husband.
For the taste, you might try incorporating oral sex for both of you in the shower. Knowing that you are fresh and clean and can wash up easily may help. You might also try flavored lubes, but be careful about anything with sugar in it as it can make you prone to UTIs.
My husband and got around this by usiing dental dams and condoms.
Cumingirl, I find interest in your story due to the statement about sexual abuse. My wife went through a similar experience a very long time ago and now tells me that is why she doesn’t want to give me oral sex. What is frustrating for me is that she did it when we were dating and even after living with each other and being married for a bit. Just this year she decided it was a problem due to something that happened in her past as a bad experience.
If I try to bring it up now it is a fight due to the fact that she feels I should just let it go now that I “know” about what happend in her past. I’m struggling with that option and have very much respected her feelings but am now missing the hec out of it. I give it all the time and would like it reciprocated, I just don’t know how to approach the situation due to the sensitivity of the past.
Please share what you were able to do and how I can help her.
Chad, I am not able to tell you “what I was able to do” because I am not a victim of a past sexual abuse. The first thing I would suggest, though, is that your wife seek some kind of therapy or counseling for her past abuse. A therapist will be able to help her work through what happened and then hopefully let it go, so that she will be free to fully embrace her marriage bed with you. Continuing to bring up the subject of oral sex with her every few months does nothing to help her deal with her past. It probably just makes her feel worse. You should try communicating to her that you think it would help her to be able to talk to a professional about what happened to her in her past. Continue to be supportive and patient and let her know that you are a ‘safe place’ for her. If she feels like you only care about getting oral from her, then her frame of mind will be hostile.
Chad
I feel so much for your situation and I can hear how things are clearly very difficult and painful for both you and your wife. I am commenting because when I read your post I was struck by how your wife’s story is so close to my own. I too was sexually abused and the abuse has had a significant impact on my sexual relationship with my husband of 13 years. However with God’s help I and we have been able to gradually reclaim the sexual relationship from the effects of the past. This has been a process which I would not have been able to go through if I had not been convinced I had the 100% support of my husband. It has not been easy for him and as I look back and see how he has stood by me so steadfastly even at times where I have been unable to meet his needs sexually it makes me love him even more. He has truly laid his life down for me so much. I don’t say this to beat up on you at all but just as someone who has been through something similar to what you describe of your wife’s story I just want to encourage you to really respect the boundaries she is asking for your sexual relationship right now. Anyone who has been abused has had their boundaries totally blown apart and violated and so that makes it so much more important for her to feel that you are able to respect the boundaries she asks of you to feel safe in your relationship now. You didn’t say if your wife has had any kind of therapy but I would say that aside from loving her…and continuing to love her sacrificially the best thing you could do for her is to encourage her to seek professional help and offer to be invloved in this however she wants you to be. God is a great healer there is so much hope for you reclaiminig this aspect of your sexual relationship if you are able to work with your wife at her own pace and instigation, however it is very rare for people to be able to achieve this alone that is the role of the thearpist to empower the two of you to work together on this. I do hear your pain and frustration but would really urge you to do all you can to respect her boundaries and enable your wife to see you as a safe place, thus separating yourself from people in her past who made demands of her sexually. Hope that is in some way helpful I will pray for you both.
Illi
I heard about another benefit of performing oral sex on your husband (besides making and keeping him happy). I read that performing oral sex (giving a blowjob) at least three times a week for a period of at least 10 minuted per session helps tighten up the cheek and chin muscles. I don’t know if this is true but it sounds logical.
well, i admit wanting to know more about oral sex is what made me look at porn for the first time in my life. i really studied it and learned how it was supposed to look and what it was i needed to do b/c i knew nothing at all about it. i was then engaged and knew this was something i would likely do often w/ my husband. i was right. i guess my “studying” paid off b/c he thought i was spectacular and always includes that in his compliments to me
I used to find oral sex uncomfortable – I always felt it was for my ex husband to get his rocks off and I didn’t matter.
Now I have the most loving and thoughtful man and I LOVE to pleasure him. My favourite is to coat his penis in chocolate sauce and then gently and lovingly lick and suck it off. It is such a fun way to bring him to orgasm and I feel so lucky to be able to explore his beautiful penis in this way. Many times I just fondle and stroke him and we don’t actually make love – I fall asleep with him in my hand and it is so wonderful to wake up and feel him getting hard – for me!
haha…I like that/this…Another GREAT reason to give him/my guy a couple of great BJ’s is that when it is time for us to have sex together, if he’s been taken care of before hand then I found out that he doesn’t “Go off” so quickly and he is able to satisfy me longer because I normally have at least 5-6 orgasms a session… 🙂
We are approaching 25 years of marriage and the sex continues to get better except for my hesitancy with oral. I don’t mind giving it, I know how much he enjoys it. For some reason I am not thrilled with receiving oral. I know it is the biggest turn on for him, but I just can not seem to let myself go. This is frustrating him greatly! I have often wondered what is the matter with me that I feel this way. Any suggestions?
if you dont want it then dont do it your a giver rejoice in that its good to please your husband but your pleasure might be in the giving.
Lavendar, I am the same way. That’s actually why I’m visiting this website. I fear that my husband will find me gross. The times we’ve tried it, the stimulation was so intense, I found it painful. I also get turned off when he touches me as foreplay. I literally have thrown him off of me multiple times in knee-jerk reactions. But I do realize that it’s not just a “This is who I am” thing. This is sin.
The advice I’m taking most to heart was from the article Oral Sex: Sin or Spice. It reminded me that the first step is to pray. Always. I need to earnestly pray for healing. Fear is not from God, yet it is what holds me back. And I’m such a prude about it that praying to God about oral sex feels shameful. But, He knows us intimately and He alone can grant us freedom.
I’ll pray for you too.
my husband is a coffee feind! … 😕
What about trouble receiving? I have the opposite problem…my husband loves oral sex and I have committed to perfecting the skills to bring him great pleasure. But he has only gone down on me 3 times (each time I had to ask). Finally I asked him about it today and he admitted that he didnt like it. It bothers me I work hard to keep clean. He’s not bad at it so I don’t think it’s insecurity. I have even complimented him on his skills. the second time he did it, it felt so good! I don’t know why he doesn’t like it but I am super bummed about it. I feel like he doesn’t find me very attractive or that I’m ugly.
May be it is worth digging into the matter as to why he does not like to go down on you. He should put himself in your place when you give him oral since he enjoys it so much… That might change hopefully his way of thinking… It is a good thing my DH loves to go down on me as it is the best way for me to get an orgasm.
Caffeine, eh? Sigh… That explains a bit. Glad to know about this. What other kinds of foods should my husband avoid for this, and what other kinds will be good? I think I’ve heard cereal might also help, but we’re not sure.
I’m not sure how to get my tongue to the back of my mouth without slightly gagging myself… or biting it in the middle of the process!