What Could You Not Do Without?

“God has been doing a work in our marriage and for that, I am so thankful – freeing us, giving us vision, deepening our passion to nurture the garden of our intimacy. I found your website/blog and am curious what you consider to be the “essentials” for keeping the fire alive in your own marriages. I’m speaking of “tangibles” as well as “intangibles.” For us, we are FINALLY committed to a weekly date night. We also have consistent sex. This is good. I wear pretty lingerie at times, use low lights, candles, and don’t mind being a little creative. However, I’m wanting to do a little more investing. Today, I’m going out to buy more candles, massage oil, and something silky. I’m envisioning a drawer in my bedside table that holds items to fuel the fire of our intimacy. As I don’t want to take out a 2nd mortgage, I’m willing to be patient and build our stash gradually. What could you not do without? How would you prioritize?”

What a thought provoking email! While discussing which of us would answer this question we all had ideas we could add to this article so we decided that we would all contribute our top five things that we couldn’t live without.

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After careful consideration, here is my list of what I would not want to do without:

Coconut Oil – This serves many needs from sexual to massage.
Bed Risers – We love the positions we are able to do with them.
Bullet Vibrator – Everyone needs a simple & inexpensive bullet!
Satin Sheets– My dh loves them just as much as I do!
Candles – Romantic lighting is wonderful.

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My top five must haves are:

Warm and cozy blankets – I hate being cold during sex.
Frequent dates and meaningful time together – This is essential for me to feel desirous.
Sexy clothing and underthings – Intentionally making an effort to look sexy contributes to feeling sexy which contributes to sexual confidence.
Music– Music really effects my emotions and depending on what kind of sex we want, we may pick something like Diana Krall or kick things up a notch with something funky.
Romantic Getaways – As we can afford them, these are some of my favorite memories that I have created with my husband.

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Here are some of the things that I cannot do without:

Date nights – They really help us to connect back together and I can tell when we really need one!

Music – Music really gets me in the mood. I have a passion for Contemporary Christian Music right now. It reminds me of how much God is into our relationship, too.
Romantic Getaways – I really wish we could afford to do these more often. The one we went on several years ago did wonders for our marriage and our marriage bed.

Our bedroom as a sanctuary – When our bedroom becomes too kid friendly, I am reminded that it needs to be a kid free zone.
Communication – When we are communicating well during lovemaking, it’s pure ecstasy!

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Here’s my list of things I don’t want to do without:

Time–It’s so crucial to me that we take time to just be spontaneous and fun and creative in bed.  I love it when we can just try different things and various positions without worrying about an agenda or how long we’re taking or whatever.  Having said that, I wouldn’t want to do without

Quickies–I just love a quickie sometimes.  It makes me feel desirable and sexy and not like a suburban housewife when we can suddenly find ourselves in the throes of passion with no choice but to have sex…in the kitchen…on the couch…in the garage…you get the picture.

Bullet Vibe–It’s just the right size and gives just enough of a little push to send me over the edge.

A Kid-Free Bedroom–Someday we’ll be able to have a beautiful bedroom that doesn’t feature a huge laundry pile and bins of out of season kid clothes.  But in the mean time our kids know that our bedroom is ours alone and they are not free to just enter and set up camp whenever they like.  Thinking about kids hanging out on my bed is definitely not a libido enhancer for me.

Communication–I think that this is important both inside the bedroom and outside as well.  Sex is greatly enhanced when we speak to each other as we go, it can really heat things up.  But it’s also important for me that we communicate well outside the bedroom because if we’re not being intimate in other areas, I have less interest in sex.  And I find that I’m more critical and short tempered toward him.  So talking is important on a daily basis, and it makes a good lovemaking session even better.

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Here is my list of what I do not want to do without:

Communication~ My husband and I try to take 45 minutes of interrupted time per day each late morning/early afternoon.  Being naked emotionally is not always easy but it is necessary.

Gym Membership~Working out helps me feel sexy.  You do not need a gym to workout.  Take a walk or run for cardio and wrestle with your husband in the place of weights.

Friends~My girlfriends help my overall attitude.  I mean the friends that I have physically waiting with me at my kid’s bus stop as well as the ones I have spiritually, such as my Spice Sisters.  I think it’s important to have another social outlet besides your husband.

Erocillator~ It is not cheap but it is well worth the investment.  You may never need another vibrator.

Pillows~ Helps to get my body in those awkward positions or different angles that only a contortionist could achieve.

My top five necessities are:

A Door Lock- A simple latch on the door insures a kid-free environment and all the privacy we need in the bedroom.

Candles– Candles are so much less intrusive than overhead lighting (although, that too has its time and place!).  I love the aroma that well placed candles give off as well as the sexy shadows that dance on the walls and ceiling.  Not to mention that candlelight helps you look younger and lighter in pounds!  And, it’s also a nice way to keep the right things lit up just in case there’s an unsightly pile of laundry on the bedroom floor.

White Noise– Sounds, especially from the unknown, can easily distract me, so to drown out any unwanted noise, I usually click on my bedside fan that I can’t sleep without.  The white noise helps me relax and focus even if I have to strategically face the wind away from burning candles.  Something else that helps is music.  I love music during sex and we have lots of different mood music from which to choose.  And music is readily available in any room that we end up in, so I’m not completely reliant on the fan.

A Vibe– Bullets just don’t do if for me.  I prefer a small vibe with coconut oil to be my aid of choice.

Communication- Above all else, I need good communication outside of the bedroom in order to hit a home run in the bedroom.  Sharing dreams, concerns and every day things before we get naked is a must.  It sets a great foundation for a long lasting friendship which leads to more confidence, less inhibition and fewer mental distractions in the bedroom.  We need to be in tune with each other mentally and spiritually before we can ever connect physically.

Monday’s Mission #30

Your mission for this week is simple.  Take time to talk to your husband.  Ask him how his day went or how work is going, and give him your undivided attention.  Ask him about a project he is working on or ask him how his gym workouts are going.  Express interest in what is going on in his life, and then listen as he talks.  Give him eye contact and let him know that you are genuinely interested in what he has to say.  Smile at him and use body language that conveys love and acceptance.  Show him that even though you may have busy lives, you truly do care about finding some time to just talk about the things that sometimes get overlooked.

Slate readers! Welcome to CN!

If you are visiting us for the very first time, we would like to welcome you to Christian Nymphos! We were excited to see our little blog get referred to from an article on SLATE, and if this is your first time to visit our site, we would like you to know that we are more than a site that “offer(s) candid how-to advice on anal sex, fisting, and masturbating for your husband.” We are six ladies who want married Christians to know the “YES” behind sex within marriage and not the “NO” that we have always heard from the church. God intends for sex to be between a husband and a wife, and He intends for it to be so much more than we can imagine. It is our hope that married women who read our blog will not only have a place where they can read from real women who have the same problems that they do, but also to feel like they can spice up their marriage beds without feeling guilt or shame. It is our goal to take the negative spin off the term “nympho” and show it in a new and more positive light.

We hope that you will take the time to read our “What We Stand For” page to learn more about us. We have Bible studies weekly about women in the Bible and trials and troubles that they had that we can learn from. We have a “Monday’s Mission” in which we challenge women to try something new with their spouse each week. Please take the time to peruse our site, post comments that are relevant or contact us though our “Got Questions” section of the blog.

Once again, thank you for visiting us again, and we hope you will bookmark our site and visit again!!

 

Postition #38: Bend Over

This position is another one for those who are fans of rear entry styles.  For this one all that’s needed is to stand up, with the husband behind the wife to penetrate the vagina from the backside while the wife bends over at the waist.  To steady herself, she may rest her hands on her knees or thighs.

 Things to consider:

  • If there is much of a height difference between spouses, then a sturdy stool or even an aerobic step can be used to help in that area.
  • This position leaves the hands free for the husband to roam over breasts, tussle hair and stimulate the clitoris and about any other area that he can reach.
  • Likewise for the wife. If she doesn’t need to use her hands for balance, then she can also explore either herself or reach between her thighs to massage her husband’s scrotum or perineum.
  • If you’re not very flexible and are afraid of possible muscle strain on your hamstrings or gluteus, then do a few stretches if you plan on putting this position in your arsenal. You can even bend your knees a bit so your muscles won’t pull so much.
  • For those a little more daring and flexible, you may want to put on your highest pair of heels and bend over grasping your ankles for an extra special visual for hubby!

Q&A: Correcting Wrong Thinking About Sex

We received the following question from a reader recently:

Is there help for me?  Sex is so messed up in my mind.  Growing up in the “Bible belt” had its positives and also extreme negatives.  I am trying to get over the “sex is bad” indoctrination that I grew up with… and not even in an overt manner.  It was just a constant undercurrent of life that “good girls” don’t have sex and don’t enjoy it.  These beliefs were used to discourage premarital sex but now they linger in me after 15 years of marriage!!!  We had our 15 year anniversary in February and something in me snapped in May of this year.  I just refuse to have an inadequate sex life with my husband any longer.  In the past I have had no sex drive and no sexual desire.  I have never orgasmed during sex (which makes no sense my hubby is very attractive and patient).  So I just started buying book after book to figure out what is wrong with me.  And started buying adult toys.  And I try to think about sex much more often during the day to keep myself “up” for when my husband gets home (trying out romance novels to help with this and homeschooling simulataneously is difficult).  We are having sex WAY more often (practice makes perfect, right?) — like every other day instead of 12 times PER YEAR as in the past.  But I can’t get past the feeling that what we do is “dirty” and “bad”.  And I’m often still embarassed to try things with my husband (of 15 years!).  We waited to have sex until our wedding night, but that still didn’t start our marriage on the “right foot”. There’s probably “nothing new under the sun” in regards to my problem.  I’m just hoping for hope (and a few practical tips maybe).  Why am I so messed up in my head?!?!

Can I just say how awesome I think your attitude is towards wanting to shed off that wrong thinking about sex!!!! You really seem to be approaching this from the right angle. You are making an effort to think about sex throughout the day and you are committed to improving what God has given you in your sexual relationship with your husband. That is a great start! So where do you go from here in ridding yourself of those thoughts you are still battling that sex is bad? I have a few suggestions.

First, try to surround yourself with people who think positively about godly sexuality. Reading our blog is one way, but also try to develop friendships with like minded people. The more you have right messages reinforced the easier it will be to develop a habit of thinking rightly about sex.

Also consider doing a study on the Song of Solomon. That book is packed with godly sensuality. Read it over repeatedly and as you do, pray for God to teach your mind and heart what His true plan is for your sexuality. As well, continue to read the books on godly sexuality. There is a new book that has just been released called The Sexually Confident Wife. Stay tuned for a detailed book review coming soon to Christian Nymphos, but it is one I have ordered because from the comments I have read about it I am pretty certain that it will speak to a lot of the issues that you mentioned and I will certainly benefit from some fresh teaching on that.

Be sure that your husband knows what your love language is so that he can communicate his love for you in a way you understand. Often when our spouse is speaking our love language, it goes a long way in causing us to feel loved which is an important part of arousal for a lot of people.

Also spend some time asking the Lord to remove the lie from you that “sex is bad and dirty.” Then ask Him what the truth is and every time those wrong thoughts come up again, remind yourself of what He said was true, out loud if it helps.

Regarding being embarrassed to try some things with your husband, you are kind of like newlyweds again with your realization of how much more God has for you in this area so I think that it’s normal for you to feel some embarrassment. I think that as you continue to explore sex that many of those things will become comfortable for you and then you can challenge yourself with something else. Just enjoy the journey. You are certainly not the first woman to experience this and you won’t be the last. And hopefully over time, you can be the voice of truth for young women around you as they mature into godly women who are engaging sex partners towards their husbands.

You are on the right track. Just keep on praying for truth and putting forth the effort I see you making. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

A Vow is For Keeps: Jephthah’s Daughter

I was searching around on the internet for other ideas for bible stories of women in the Bible, when I came across a story that I can’t believe that I had never heard before.   I have to admit that I sometimes skip books in the bible when reading when they don’t hold my interest.  Now I am surprised that I missed this one, but it is a very interesting story.

For this study, I take you to the book of Judges.   In Judges 11, we meet a man named Jephthah.   Now he was an outcast in his family since he was the product of his father, Gilead and a prostitute.  His brothers drove him out because they didn’t feel he deserved to get any of the family inheritance, so he fled and settled in the land of Tob.   While in Tob, he gathered a great following.

The story skips on when at some time in the future, the Ammonites were making war with Israel.   Jephthah was a mighty warrior, and the leaders from Gilead came to him and asked him to be their commander.  He was amazed since they kicked him out that they were coming to him for help.  No matter what , they needed his help and they were wiling to make him head of all who lived in Gilead.  They assured him, with God as their witness, that they would most certainly make him head of all in Gilead, so he went with them.  When Jephthah went out to war with the Ammonites, he made a vow to the Lord, “If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph will be the LORD’S and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering” (Judges 11:30-31)    Jephthah did defeat the Ammonites and he devastated them!

Now when he returned home from battle, guess who was the first to meet him?   His daughter.   His only child came out of the house dancing with tambourines that her father was home victorious.   His heart was devastated!   He told her of his vow to the LORD and his words were “Oh!  My daughter!  You have made me miserable and wretched…”  wait, wait, wait….SHE made HIM miserable.  Now I can understand how he would feel miserable if she came home and told her dad she was pregnant or if he caught her worshipping idols or something.   But she did not make the vow with the LORD.  He did.   I can understand Jephthah being upset though.   I don’t know WHO he expected to be the first out of his house,  but he was bound to his vow now.

She is never given a name, and I have no idea how old she is, but she has a maturity that is incredible.   She tells him, “My father, you have given your word to the LORD.  Do to me just as you promised, now that the LORD has avenged you of your enemies.  But grant me this one request.  Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends because I will never marry.” (Judges 11: 36-37)  So she did, and when she came back, the Bible says, “and he did to her as he had vowed.  And she was a virgin.”  (Judges 11: 39b)

Have you ever made a promise to God that when you actually got what you wanted from Him, that the consequence was that great?  Maybe not to this extreme, but have you ever said, “Lord if you will give me ________________, I promise to go back to church”  or “If you help me with _______________, I promise to read the bible more…”   I am guilty of this, I can tell you.   When I was much younger caught up in sexual sin, I used to pray, “Lord, if I am not pregnant, I promise not to do this ever again.”   Fortunate for me, God always came through for me.  I never had a child out of wedlock in all of my years of sin, but unfortunate for me, I never kept my promise to God.   Praise God that He still loved me and wanted me anyway.   Jephthah’s daughter never was given a name, but she knew that a vow to the LORD was to be kept.   I bet Jephthah thought thoroughly before making vows in the future.   This one tore his heart to shreds.   The LORD is with us no matter what we do, how badly we sin, or whatever vows we make to get through certain situations we sinners find ourself in.  He loves us no matter what.   If you do not know of God’s son, who came to the world to keep us from the pit of HELL so we can be forever with the God who loves us, please take a moment to pray about it.  Jesus paid the cost.  There are no more sacrificial fires to forgive us for our sin.  Jesus paid it all.   He is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.  He took away my sin.  Will you give him yours?

If you make a decision that you want Jesus Christ to be your personal Savior, all you have to do is say a small prayer like this.  “Lord, I know I am a sinner.  I am sorry.  But Lord, I believe that you sent your Son, Jesus Christ, to take away my sin once and for all, past, present and future.  Lord, I do believe that Jesus died on the cross, was buried and that You raised Him from the dead on the third day.  Lord, thank you for sacrificing your Son for me.   I do not deserve your love, but will be eternally grateful for what your have done for me.  Thank you, Lord for loving me.  In Jesus name, AMEN.”

If you pray this prayer, will you send us a message through the Got Questions section of the blog?  We would love to celebrate this with you!

As a side note, I would like to recognize the website womeninthebible.net for helping me to find new women to read about in the Bible and to bring to you.   It has been a great help to me!

Monday’s Mission #29

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to have a progressive sexual dinner.  A progressive dinner party is when you go to one person’s house for appetizers, another location for the main course and yet another place for dessert.  So, the sexual spin on the progressive dinner would be performing different parts of your sexual experience at diverse locations.  For instance, you can make out at a movie theater, have oral sex in the car in your driveway or garage and then have sex in the house.  Or, if going out is not an option you can start things out on your back porch, move to the bedroom and end up in the kitchen.  You can elaborately plan out your progressive evening or just play it by ear.  Have fun mixing things up a bit.

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