Q&A: Correcting Wrong Thinking About Sex

We received the following question from a reader recently:

Is there help for me?  Sex is so messed up in my mind.  Growing up in the “Bible belt” had its positives and also extreme negatives.  I am trying to get over the “sex is bad” indoctrination that I grew up with… and not even in an overt manner.  It was just a constant undercurrent of life that “good girls” don’t have sex and don’t enjoy it.  These beliefs were used to discourage premarital sex but now they linger in me after 15 years of marriage!!!  We had our 15 year anniversary in February and something in me snapped in May of this year.  I just refuse to have an inadequate sex life with my husband any longer.  In the past I have had no sex drive and no sexual desire.  I have never orgasmed during sex (which makes no sense my hubby is very attractive and patient).  So I just started buying book after book to figure out what is wrong with me.  And started buying adult toys.  And I try to think about sex much more often during the day to keep myself “up” for when my husband gets home (trying out romance novels to help with this and homeschooling simulataneously is difficult).  We are having sex WAY more often (practice makes perfect, right?) — like every other day instead of 12 times PER YEAR as in the past.  But I can’t get past the feeling that what we do is “dirty” and “bad”.  And I’m often still embarassed to try things with my husband (of 15 years!).  We waited to have sex until our wedding night, but that still didn’t start our marriage on the “right foot”. There’s probably “nothing new under the sun” in regards to my problem.  I’m just hoping for hope (and a few practical tips maybe).  Why am I so messed up in my head?!?!

Can I just say how awesome I think your attitude is towards wanting to shed off that wrong thinking about sex!!!! You really seem to be approaching this from the right angle. You are making an effort to think about sex throughout the day and you are committed to improving what God has given you in your sexual relationship with your husband. That is a great start! So where do you go from here in ridding yourself of those thoughts you are still battling that sex is bad? I have a few suggestions.

First, try to surround yourself with people who think positively about godly sexuality. Reading our blog is one way, but also try to develop friendships with like minded people. The more you have right messages reinforced the easier it will be to develop a habit of thinking rightly about sex.

Also consider doing a study on the Song of Solomon. That book is packed with godly sensuality. Read it over repeatedly and as you do, pray for God to teach your mind and heart what His true plan is for your sexuality. As well, continue to read the books on godly sexuality. There is a new book that has just been released called The Sexually Confident Wife. Stay tuned for a detailed book review coming soon to Christian Nymphos, but it is one I have ordered because from the comments I have read about it I am pretty certain that it will speak to a lot of the issues that you mentioned and I will certainly benefit from some fresh teaching on that.

Be sure that your husband knows what your love language is so that he can communicate his love for you in a way you understand. Often when our spouse is speaking our love language, it goes a long way in causing us to feel loved which is an important part of arousal for a lot of people.

Also spend some time asking the Lord to remove the lie from you that “sex is bad and dirty.” Then ask Him what the truth is and every time those wrong thoughts come up again, remind yourself of what He said was true, out loud if it helps.

Regarding being embarrassed to try some things with your husband, you are kind of like newlyweds again with your realization of how much more God has for you in this area so I think that it’s normal for you to feel some embarrassment. I think that as you continue to explore sex that many of those things will become comfortable for you and then you can challenge yourself with something else. Just enjoy the journey. You are certainly not the first woman to experience this and you won’t be the last. And hopefully over time, you can be the voice of truth for young women around you as they mature into godly women who are engaging sex partners towards their husbands.

You are on the right track. Just keep on praying for truth and putting forth the effort I see you making. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

5 Comments

  1. I am so glad that this person sent in this question. I am not only from the Bible Belt, but grew up Pentacostal. It was at the point when we first got married that I was telling myself constantly during sex “I am not doing anything wrong, this is my husband. I am suppose to have sex with my husband”, because in the back of my mind, I was sinning in some way. I know it sounds crazy, but when you have been indoctrinated so much that sex is a sin to keep you from sinning it is second nature to think that even after 9 years of marriage. I still cannot relax enough to orgasm. When things started feeling really good, its like I automatically shut down because I started feeling bad or wrong. It’s so frustrating!!! I even went to a sex therapist, although she could not help me because she dealt mainly with male problems. It was to the point that I thought something was anatomically wrong with me, although my doctor assured me everything was as it should be and told me “some women just will never orgasm”. Once again, very dissapointing. However, I pray now before we make love and remind myself that sex was created by God for me and my husband, and things are getting better. I just pray that I can get to that point that I am not ashamed of the naturally sexuality God has given me and enjoy the gift of lovemaking fully with my husband. Once again, thanks for the post so that I know that I am not some oddball who is too stupid and indoctrinated to know how to enjoy her own husband.

  2. I just stumbled on this site last night, Can I say as well. I am pentacostal also, so i know how you feel. I have been married for 11 years myself and did not know why I felt this way about sex. I had 2 extearms in my life. 1 a mother who told me,” well just dont get pregnent” and 2, others in my life who I looked up to as godly roll models in my life but were the extream. And because we were young girls then, it was always how sex is bad. never hearing other adult women say they liked sex. It was usually a comment of, ” I just want him to do his thing and get off”. But as a young adult I did not want that for me and I sure did not want to be the other exteem. I thought there has to be a grey area where sex is good and ok to enjoy. not just black and white. But I never found other adults talking positive about sex. It was one exteem or the other. Being a young girl who wanted to please God I just listened to the exteem of that sex is “bad” or “dirty”. sex is only for making babies and should only be done in the old fashioned missionary position. So after getting married to a man who was a christain but not of my beliefs and was an occassional attender of church. he was confused by me and did not know why I had no sex drive. At this time I was not 30 something years old. I was like 20 something. I mean, I should have been haveing a great sex life with my husband. I finally would have to force myself to turn off my religious thinking and pretend I was not saved so that i could actually enjoy sex. But later that made me fill like I turned my back on God. HuuuuuG. so anyway. my husband and I grew and so did our sex life but there has always been that unerlined “this is tabu” at the back of my head. So thank you, thank you, thank you, for this web site.
    My husband is now deploied for 14 months. we are a military family and I have had concerns and yesterday night as I sat here, I thought there has got to be some sort of answer for me. I am struggling. And that is when I found this site. I was even hesatent to click on the link because if the name. And was really not expecting to fine actual christain advice here. I thought is was going to be some kind of mockery of christains and so on. But to my suprise I am wong. I am so happy I found this.

  3. Hi, This is my first comment to this site. I’m a christian woman in my mid 30’s, married for nearly 11 years. I too have been drilled that you are not to have sex until after you are married. In my 3rd month of marriage, my husband had pointed out to me that I still would not undress and get dressed infront of him. This was the first issue that I remember having with him leaning towards oneness. It hit me as if time stood still for a moment because it was true and I had not realized it untill then. That should have been a normal everyday thing but over the years, it’s been hard to get over hearing my moms voice in the back of my head stressing that sex is bad unless you are married. The problem with this is, if you have been told this over and over again since childhood even if you wait till marriage to have sex, you still feel uncomfortable because you feel like you only can recall how bad sex is, not being taught it is a rewarding and beautiful privilage for married couples. It wasn’t until a recent experiance of (no children in the house for 3 hours so that I could be alone with my husband), his and hers KY lube, slow dancing, and long awaited desire for sex that I have begun to embrace our sex life together and want more of it. It’s nice to know there is a place were christians can come and talk / get advice about something so personal! Thank you to the people who were obedient to God for doing everything necessary to launch CN.

  4. Just had to post and let the women sharing their sorrows know that someone out there is reading and praying for them.

    I am an extrmely conservative Christian woman. My friends are always surprised about what I will not allow into my life. Especially when it comes to media choices. I don’t like swearing, violence, or ungodly sensuality. I have spent 22 years protecting my husband and children. And do not want worldly things to defile my marriage or home.

    That being said, after becoming a Christian, and studying, I found that the church was doing a dismal job on teaching young women about their sexuality. So 22 years ago I started studying and seeking information on this subject. And I am so glad that I have.

    I have been able to teach my children ‘wait’, not ‘wrong’ when it comes to their sexuality and have seen them grow into the knowledge that they need to know, when they need to know it.

    I have a daughter that is getting married in a short time. Titus teaches that the older women will teach the younger women to love their husbands. God has created men with their sexual desires, and as wives, it should be our privilege to meet these. It was my privilege to teach my daughter about her future husbands needs. How to create a home for him. To create a marriage bed with him.

    I have provided information, advice, and a listening ear to my daughter. My husband and I are affectionate and flirtatious in front of them, and they have figured out that we ‘know’ each other.

    I have also let other young women know that they can come to me for advice, and a few have honored me with coming to me. Most of them were taught ‘wrong’, not ‘wait’, and we are slowly undoing those patterns that have shaped them.

    I am so thankful for this site, and have lost track of how many women I have given this site to.

    I am so glad that women continue to seek out information so that they can improve this part of their relationship with their beloved husbands.

  5. Kudos to you Ann for being helpful and honest with your daughter about sex and marriage!


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