What Could You Not Do Without?

“God has been doing a work in our marriage and for that, I am so thankful – freeing us, giving us vision, deepening our passion to nurture the garden of our intimacy. I found your website/blog and am curious what you consider to be the “essentials” for keeping the fire alive in your own marriages. I’m speaking of “tangibles” as well as “intangibles.” For us, we are FINALLY committed to a weekly date night. We also have consistent sex. This is good. I wear pretty lingerie at times, use low lights, candles, and don’t mind being a little creative. However, I’m wanting to do a little more investing. Today, I’m going out to buy more candles, massage oil, and something silky. I’m envisioning a drawer in my bedside table that holds items to fuel the fire of our intimacy. As I don’t want to take out a 2nd mortgage, I’m willing to be patient and build our stash gradually. What could you not do without? How would you prioritize?”

What a thought provoking email! While discussing which of us would answer this question we all had ideas we could add to this article so we decided that we would all contribute our top five things that we couldn’t live without.


After careful consideration, here is my list of what I would not want to do without:

Coconut Oil – This serves many needs from sexual to massage.
Bed Risers – We love the positions we are able to do with them.
Bullet Vibrator – Everyone needs a simple & inexpensive bullet!
Satin Sheets– My dh loves them just as much as I do!
Candles – Romantic lighting is wonderful.


My top five must haves are:

Warm and cozy blankets – I hate being cold during sex.
Frequent dates and meaningful time together – This is essential for me to feel desirous.
Sexy clothing and underthings – Intentionally making an effort to look sexy contributes to feeling sexy which contributes to sexual confidence.
Music– Music really effects my emotions and depending on what kind of sex we want, we may pick something like Diana Krall or kick things up a notch with something funky.
Romantic Getaways – As we can afford them, these are some of my favorite memories that I have created with my husband.


Here are some of the things that I cannot do without:

Date nights – They really help us to connect back together and I can tell when we really need one!

Music – Music really gets me in the mood. I have a passion for Contemporary Christian Music right now. It reminds me of how much God is into our relationship, too.
Romantic Getaways – I really wish we could afford to do these more often. The one we went on several years ago did wonders for our marriage and our marriage bed.

Our bedroom as a sanctuary – When our bedroom becomes too kid friendly, I am reminded that it needs to be a kid free zone.
Communication – When we are communicating well during lovemaking, it’s pure ecstasy!


Here’s my list of things I don’t want to do without:

Time–It’s so crucial to me that we take time to just be spontaneous and fun and creative in bed.  I love it when we can just try different things and various positions without worrying about an agenda or how long we’re taking or whatever.  Having said that, I wouldn’t want to do without

Quickies–I just love a quickie sometimes.  It makes me feel desirable and sexy and not like a suburban housewife when we can suddenly find ourselves in the throes of passion with no choice but to have sex…in the kitchen…on the couch…in the garage…you get the picture.

Bullet Vibe–It’s just the right size and gives just enough of a little push to send me over the edge.

A Kid-Free Bedroom–Someday we’ll be able to have a beautiful bedroom that doesn’t feature a huge laundry pile and bins of out of season kid clothes.  But in the mean time our kids know that our bedroom is ours alone and they are not free to just enter and set up camp whenever they like.  Thinking about kids hanging out on my bed is definitely not a libido enhancer for me.

Communication–I think that this is important both inside the bedroom and outside as well.  Sex is greatly enhanced when we speak to each other as we go, it can really heat things up.  But it’s also important for me that we communicate well outside the bedroom because if we’re not being intimate in other areas, I have less interest in sex.  And I find that I’m more critical and short tempered toward him.  So talking is important on a daily basis, and it makes a good lovemaking session even better.


Here is my list of what I do not want to do without:

Communication~ My husband and I try to take 45 minutes of interrupted time per day each late morning/early afternoon.  Being naked emotionally is not always easy but it is necessary.

Gym Membership~Working out helps me feel sexy.  You do not need a gym to workout.  Take a walk or run for cardio and wrestle with your husband in the place of weights.

Friends~My girlfriends help my overall attitude.  I mean the friends that I have physically waiting with me at my kid’s bus stop as well as the ones I have spiritually, such as my Spice Sisters.  I think it’s important to have another social outlet besides your husband.

Erocillator~ It is not cheap but it is well worth the investment.  You may never need another vibrator.

Pillows~ Helps to get my body in those awkward positions or different angles that only a contortionist could achieve.

My top five necessities are:

A Door Lock- A simple latch on the door insures a kid-free environment and all the privacy we need in the bedroom.

Candles– Candles are so much less intrusive than overhead lighting (although, that too has its time and place!).  I love the aroma that well placed candles give off as well as the sexy shadows that dance on the walls and ceiling.  Not to mention that candlelight helps you look younger and lighter in pounds!  And, it’s also a nice way to keep the right things lit up just in case there’s an unsightly pile of laundry on the bedroom floor.

White Noise– Sounds, especially from the unknown, can easily distract me, so to drown out any unwanted noise, I usually click on my bedside fan that I can’t sleep without.  The white noise helps me relax and focus even if I have to strategically face the wind away from burning candles.  Something else that helps is music.  I love music during sex and we have lots of different mood music from which to choose.  And music is readily available in any room that we end up in, so I’m not completely reliant on the fan.

A Vibe– Bullets just don’t do if for me.  I prefer a small vibe with coconut oil to be my aid of choice.

Communication- Above all else, I need good communication outside of the bedroom in order to hit a home run in the bedroom.  Sharing dreams, concerns and every day things before we get naked is a must.  It sets a great foundation for a long lasting friendship which leads to more confidence, less inhibition and fewer mental distractions in the bedroom.  We need to be in tune with each other mentally and spiritually before we can ever connect physically.

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