What Could You Not Do Without?

“God has been doing a work in our marriage and for that, I am so thankful – freeing us, giving us vision, deepening our passion to nurture the garden of our intimacy. I found your website/blog and am curious what you consider to be the “essentials” for keeping the fire alive in your own marriages. I’m speaking of “tangibles” as well as “intangibles.” For us, we are FINALLY committed to a weekly date night. We also have consistent sex. This is good. I wear pretty lingerie at times, use low lights, candles, and don’t mind being a little creative. However, I’m wanting to do a little more investing. Today, I’m going out to buy more candles, massage oil, and something silky. I’m envisioning a drawer in my bedside table that holds items to fuel the fire of our intimacy. As I don’t want to take out a 2nd mortgage, I’m willing to be patient and build our stash gradually. What could you not do without? How would you prioritize?”

What a thought provoking email! While discussing which of us would answer this question we all had ideas we could add to this article so we decided that we would all contribute our top five things that we couldn’t live without.


After careful consideration, here is my list of what I would not want to do without:

Coconut Oil – This serves many needs from sexual to massage.
Bed Risers – We love the positions we are able to do with them.
Bullet Vibrator – Everyone needs a simple & inexpensive bullet!
Satin Sheets– My dh loves them just as much as I do!
Candles – Romantic lighting is wonderful.


My top five must haves are:

Warm and cozy blankets – I hate being cold during sex.
Frequent dates and meaningful time together – This is essential for me to feel desirous.
Sexy clothing and underthings – Intentionally making an effort to look sexy contributes to feeling sexy which contributes to sexual confidence.
Music– Music really effects my emotions and depending on what kind of sex we want, we may pick something like Diana Krall or kick things up a notch with something funky.
Romantic Getaways – As we can afford them, these are some of my favorite memories that I have created with my husband.


Here are some of the things that I cannot do without:

Date nights – They really help us to connect back together and I can tell when we really need one!

Music – Music really gets me in the mood. I have a passion for Contemporary Christian Music right now. It reminds me of how much God is into our relationship, too.
Romantic Getaways – I really wish we could afford to do these more often. The one we went on several years ago did wonders for our marriage and our marriage bed.

Our bedroom as a sanctuary – When our bedroom becomes too kid friendly, I am reminded that it needs to be a kid free zone.
Communication – When we are communicating well during lovemaking, it’s pure ecstasy!


Here’s my list of things I don’t want to do without:

Time–It’s so crucial to me that we take time to just be spontaneous and fun and creative in bed.  I love it when we can just try different things and various positions without worrying about an agenda or how long we’re taking or whatever.  Having said that, I wouldn’t want to do without

Quickies–I just love a quickie sometimes.  It makes me feel desirable and sexy and not like a suburban housewife when we can suddenly find ourselves in the throes of passion with no choice but to have sex…in the kitchen…on the couch…in the garage…you get the picture.

Bullet Vibe–It’s just the right size and gives just enough of a little push to send me over the edge.

A Kid-Free Bedroom–Someday we’ll be able to have a beautiful bedroom that doesn’t feature a huge laundry pile and bins of out of season kid clothes.  But in the mean time our kids know that our bedroom is ours alone and they are not free to just enter and set up camp whenever they like.  Thinking about kids hanging out on my bed is definitely not a libido enhancer for me.

Communication–I think that this is important both inside the bedroom and outside as well.  Sex is greatly enhanced when we speak to each other as we go, it can really heat things up.  But it’s also important for me that we communicate well outside the bedroom because if we’re not being intimate in other areas, I have less interest in sex.  And I find that I’m more critical and short tempered toward him.  So talking is important on a daily basis, and it makes a good lovemaking session even better.


Here is my list of what I do not want to do without:

Communication~ My husband and I try to take 45 minutes of interrupted time per day each late morning/early afternoon.  Being naked emotionally is not always easy but it is necessary.

Gym Membership~Working out helps me feel sexy.  You do not need a gym to workout.  Take a walk or run for cardio and wrestle with your husband in the place of weights.

Friends~My girlfriends help my overall attitude.  I mean the friends that I have physically waiting with me at my kid’s bus stop as well as the ones I have spiritually, such as my Spice Sisters.  I think it’s important to have another social outlet besides your husband.

Erocillator~ It is not cheap but it is well worth the investment.  You may never need another vibrator.

Pillows~ Helps to get my body in those awkward positions or different angles that only a contortionist could achieve.

My top five necessities are:

A Door Lock- A simple latch on the door insures a kid-free environment and all the privacy we need in the bedroom.

Candles– Candles are so much less intrusive than overhead lighting (although, that too has its time and place!).  I love the aroma that well placed candles give off as well as the sexy shadows that dance on the walls and ceiling.  Not to mention that candlelight helps you look younger and lighter in pounds!  And, it’s also a nice way to keep the right things lit up just in case there’s an unsightly pile of laundry on the bedroom floor.

White Noise– Sounds, especially from the unknown, can easily distract me, so to drown out any unwanted noise, I usually click on my bedside fan that I can’t sleep without.  The white noise helps me relax and focus even if I have to strategically face the wind away from burning candles.  Something else that helps is music.  I love music during sex and we have lots of different mood music from which to choose.  And music is readily available in any room that we end up in, so I’m not completely reliant on the fan.

A Vibe– Bullets just don’t do if for me.  I prefer a small vibe with coconut oil to be my aid of choice.

Communication- Above all else, I need good communication outside of the bedroom in order to hit a home run in the bedroom.  Sharing dreams, concerns and every day things before we get naked is a must.  It sets a great foundation for a long lasting friendship which leads to more confidence, less inhibition and fewer mental distractions in the bedroom.  We need to be in tune with each other mentally and spiritually before we can ever connect physically.


  1. My top 5 would be in order.

    1. Communication – been on the end where there was little to none and no that we have it consistently I cannot and will not go without it.
    2. Quality Time – for us it has been date nights and we work out together in the gym
    3. Kid free bedroom – this has been a challenge because of 6 children. But it has been worth it.
    4. Coconut oil
    5. Quickies

  2. Ooooo…. what a great article! Thank you for all pitching in with your top 5. That is great! I think my top 5 would be:

    1. Time together. Whether it be a date night, a family walk, playing a game or watching a movie with my husband, I need that time together to feel intimate.

    2. A shower. My husband’s clean body is a turn on for me and a shower together is always very nice…. clean bodies pave the way for a great time together.

    3. Black bra. This is one of our most effective tools for getting us both in the mood. I suppose other items of clothing are nice as well…

    4. Sex infomation. Things that get my mind thinking sex help me (such as this blog, The Marriage Bed boards, reading books like “Sheet Music” or just thinking about my husband). Whatever it takes to get my mind rolling the right direction.

    5. No kids. Time with just the two of us away from the kids is currently huge for both of us. It is amazing how much of a difference this can make!

    I guess these are not very many tangible items (as the one who wrote the question seemed to be asking about), but this is what is most important to me.

  3. Thanks for sharing your top 5 ladies.

    We’d love to hear from more of you. I love the variety of ideas.

  4. Love it.. my top 5 would be.

    — Astroglide, (I wish it had a prettier name)
    — Pillows for positioning
    — Cute panties (Im a flatty, all those pretty bras look like doilies on me =)
    — Quickies
    — a vibe (or does the whole drawer count as one thing?)

  5. This is an old post, but it looks like fun, and I want to comment here in hopes that other commenters will see it in the ‘latest comments’ and post their top 5 🙂
    my top five
    – candles, esp in holders that make pretty patterns (patterned glass) – wish I had more of those holders!
    – a shave (with an expensive disposable razor, the cheap ones burn) I feel ugly if I’m hairy. I started shaving my, ahem, whole lower body recently, thanks to this site 🙂 and we both love it. I shave almost daily, but it’s worth the time and razor budget to me.
    – sexy panties for when I want to be ready at any moment (especially if I plan to pounce on hubby, lol!!)
    – sexy ‘outifts’ in various ‘tones’ from elegant to just hot or even to ‘trashy’ 😀 the latter is fun and steamy, the first helps me feel beautiful. Often I can set the mood by asking to change and by what I pick, OR I ask hubby to pick which one (or to suggest a length or color or something). But gotta say, usually I don’t ‘get’ to change!
    – coconut oil, I need a lubricant more often now (is it b/c I’m pregnant?) and ky feels messy and sticky, AND cold! Cumingirl hooked me on coconut oil 🙂

  6. 1) God
    2) My husband naked
    3) My husband naked
    4) My husband naked
    5) My husband naked

    I’m kidding (sort of). Really the only thing I couldn’t do without is what I have listed. What things do I like to have that just really gets it even hotter?
    1) Moonlight. I like candles and all but we live in a secluded area and don’t need curtains. I love it when the moon is 3/4 full and shines through the window of our bedroom. It’s God’s perfect light for hiding problem areas.:)
    2) Satin sheets and a heating blanket. I love how sensual satin feels on my skin BUT I get chilly so the heating blanket toasts them up. We remove the heating blanket after getting in of course.
    3) Sweet Almond Oil. I despise the smell of coconut. Almond oil as a lube or massage oil though is beautiful and smells nice. Cheap too.
    4) Lingerie, stockings and heels. I get in the mood just getting dressed. I love seeing the look on my husbands face and lace, stockings and heels are just plain sexy.
    5) Shaving. I don’t like having sex with hairy legs and I like my husband’s face to be clean shaven.

  7. what could i not do without?
    1.) my faith

    what would i not WANT to do without?

    2.) my husband
    3.) my health
    4.) enough food and shelter to not be hungry or cold or sick
    5.) freedom

  8. lisab~ I believe we would all agree that those things you listed are a GIVEN, however, this article was written to be lighthearted and fun. It’s interesting to see what everyone deems valuable and important for their private time together.

    It’s interesting to me to also notice that in the year since this article was written, my list has changed up a bit! I still say 1. Coconut Oil, 2. Bed Risers, 3. Satin Sheets. But I think my last two are different now since I rarely ever use a vibe anymore and we have also got out of the habit of using candles. My last two things now would be… 4. My Girls Nights Out (I get together with my bff’s every month or two and that does so much good for me.) I always come home so appreciative of my husband and in the mood too! And then my #5 would have to be exercise. I’ve been more dedicated to DAILY exercise for the last five months or so and it really helps to energize me and make me feel better about myself and that carries over to my self-esteem in the bedroom. 🙂

  9. oh ok,

    ummmm …

    1.) teaching children
    2.) drinking wine and eating french bread in paris
    3.) sleeping with my husband, well mostly sleeping
    4.) being a peace corps volunteer
    5.) my cashmere blanket

  10. I don’t really have a top 5 yet. I’ve only been married a few months now, but it’s fun to read what everyone else enjoys, and it gives me some good ideas of things to try–like coconut oil rather than your everyday drugstore lube.

    Where can I find coconut oil? I keep thinking the cooking aisle :-/

  11. Yes, in most grocery stores (and Walmart) you will find it on the cooking aisle where the crisco and vegetable oils are kept. 🙂

  12. Ooh this was fun to read!
    Mine are:

    1- Time with the Lord each morning.
    I notice such a huge difference in our LM when I skip out on my Lord and give him a back burner.
    2- Connecting with my DH each day, talking, communicating.
    3- Cleanliness! -including, showers for both of us, shaving (stubble’s not sexy on a lady’s parts), sweet-smelling mouth, etc.
    4- Yummy lube! Coconut oil, Sweet Almond oil, caramel lube… Oh my! (sometimes the little bottle even gets left in the pillow case by accident and has been discovered by a nosey toddler! whoops.) 🙂
    5- Uhh, My Man and his magnificent BODY!! =D Can’t do without that one!

  13. I’m the OP and I visited today for “anniversary on a budget” ideas. Today we celebrate 19 years. We are in the midst of a challenging season. God is continuing to work in amazing ways, but I’ve not kept my “sex kitten” mentality. I want it back. Two years out from this post, I have learned that the essentials for fueling my passion are thinking sexy thoughts about my husband and taking time to transition from mom (of 7) to wife. Today’s a new day and God’s mercies are new every morning. And, after two years, for me the essentials still are coconut oil, candles, my liberator blanket, a nice shave everywhere, and time to linger. I’m off to transform our bedroom into a sanctuary.

  14. i LOVE the first list! 😀 hahaha

  15. What I could not do without…
    1. coconut oil used for all kinds of fun activities
    2. sexy underwear and bra, they keep feeling sexy all day
    3. my razor, I love to be smooth
    4. the little electric heater that looks like a fireplace for cold winters
    5. my bullet vibe for a little extra help or just fun

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