Adding Spice: Where to Draw the Line

So…where between a husband and wife alone – does the line between erotic, enhancement, spice, variety, education end and pornography begin?  My wife and I had some toys – vibrating egg, vibrating plug, blind fold, vibrators,  penis ring, handcuffs, restraints and some Penthouse Letters.  About a year ago it was all cleaned out and we’ve been struggling with the original question.

She’s saying that as long as it’s just between us and kept in our bedroom – not a problem.  I’m not so sure.  I do know we both enjoyed the toys and the letters.  Not sure what God says about all that.  Trying to keep it all in His perspective.

Thanks in advance.

When adding spice to the bedroom it is important to keep a short list in mind to keep things in perspective.  Things to consider are, is it pleasurable for both individuals, will this help build intimacy and strengthen the marriage bond, and will this have negative repercussions somewhere down the road, if not right now.  If you threw all toys and Penthouse Letters out then if appears as though some guilt was involved.  I commend you for trying to get to the heart of the matter.  I guess you need to look at why you felt using these things were wrong.  If you need to blindfold or handcuff your spouse for arousal then you could be skating around it being a fetish.  (I am just using those two toys as an example here.)  The Penthouse Letters are usually not written about a married couple enjoying each other exclusively, in a loving manner.  After reading those letters I think the reader is left lusting after something external of their relationship with their spouse.

A safer alternative to reading Penthouse Letters is to write some stories of your own.  Stories that involve you and your wife will lower the possibility of either person fantasizing about someone outside your marriage bed.  One of you can start the story and the other can add to it.  My husband and I did this over email one day and not only was it fun to see his creative side, but it was also a great way for us to share our fantasies or recreate a special scenario from our past.  It helps increase the passion between us instead of coming from an outside source, such as Penthouse Letters.

Hopefully some of this will help you see things in a clearer light.  God wants you to enjoy each other.  He made all beings sexual.  Use that gift to strengthen the bond between you and your wife.


  1. Thanks for your helpful words here! It is so important to draw the right lines based on God’s standards of marital intimacy, not on our own standards of pleasure.

    So many married couples do not draw these lines and allow all sorts of things into their marriage that will be harmful down the road.

    For couples that are looking for some great teaching on the subjects of marital intimacy and sexual purity, I highly recommend the sermons from the Desiring God 2004 conference:

  2. I love your idea of taking turns adding to the story. That would be a HOT way to be intimate if you were apart for some reason. Brilliant idea, girlfriend.

  3. I know this is an old article. I just had to say I would never have thought of this on my own. Thanks! I will try to convince dh to do this real soon!

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