Low drive….can you help me?

We received this email…

“I’ve been married for just over 3 years now. I cannot orgasm during intercourse which causes me to be very indifferent to sex altogether. Oral is fun sometimes but I just don’t care much for it either. I am definitely a low drive kind of person. My problem is that I desperately want to have more of a drive, not for myself, but for my husband. I’m finding that I lack motivation, and more then anything I’m frustrated with the constant reminders from my husband that I need to check out sites like these and get to be more “normal”. Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated!!!”

I started to write this article in a different direction, but I had a change of mind…God spoke to me. Let me see if I can help you.

My husband thinks I could have written this email. Well, three years ago, I could have. I had been a refuser for many years. I had no drive at all really after my kids were born. I wasn’t really interested in sex at all. I had a hard time orgasming, too. I had absolutely no problem with orgasms when I lived a life of sin before I got married. I even had great orgasms after I got married. The day my dear son was conceived was an A+ in the annals of orgasm history. After that first child was born….nothing. Now the question above didn’t mention if there were children in the picture or not, and it isn’t really an important part of the answer if there is or not.

Satan usually is the culprit behind things such as these. A lot of people like to blame God. “If God wanted me to enjoy sex, I would be enjoying it.” ” If God intended for me to be a truly sexual and orgasmic being, he would have created me that way”…. the list goes on. It makes me wonder why God still loves us so much when we blame him for everything. Satan gets such glee when he can get us to do this. But if you truly seek out God during times of trials, you’ll find that he will point out the true culprit. He’ll help you wade through all the lies being fed to you by Satan and his other fallen angels.

In my case, Satan pulled out my past. He allowed me to punish myself with my past. I was such a sinner as far as sex before marriage was concerned. When I became a Christian, Satan pulled that out of the hat after my wedding to the most wonderful man God could possibly choose for me. My husband had forgiven my past, God had forgiven me of my past, but I hadn’t forgiven myself. So deep down inside was my past…and Satan opened Pandora’s Box and tormented me with my sexual sin. Without realizing it, I allowed Satan into my mind and my life. As soon as my son was born, I lost my orgasm. It started with “Mom’s don’t have sex”, and even when I did have sex with my husband, it wasn’t gratifying or fulfilling….not because of anything he was doing, but because Satan would talk to me the entire time and convince me how much I didn’t like what I was doing. Notice, I didn’t say “when I did make love to my husband”….Satan had me convinced that it was just sex. That is so wrong!!

Do you have anything that is hidden so deep that you may not even consciously be aware of that Satan could have his talons gripped on?

For me, my job as a Mom took much higher precedence than my job as a wife. That is where my mistakes started. God should have been first on my priority list. Even he was put on the back burner. I was a working Mom with guilt over putting my child in daycare. I would come home after a day of work trying to get as much time in with my son as I could, that I would be worn out from it all and have no energy for my husband at all. His needs were even behind my own needs. I know now that I hurt him very badly during that time. In my heart, I knew it was wrong. The Holy Spirit was trying to tell me this, but Satan kept convincing me otherwise. My husband would suggest books that I should read. Heck, no, I wasn’t going to read them! And websites like TMB that at the time were HELPING him, well, I wouldn’t read those either. Still, the Holy Spirit was working in me to try to get through all the tangled mess that Satan had woven in my mind.

God has a perfect time for everything. He knew 3 years ago, that I was at a point when I was desperate for his help. I’ve been that way one other time in my life that I can remember….the night that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. God showed me the truth and exposed all the lies I had believed for so long. I saw my husband in a new light. I became more open to reading articles on Christian websites and not getting offended by them. I slowly became more aware of my body and it’s needs. Touches that I learned to like when I was 8 years old when I learned how to masturbate. I became more open to communicating with my husband, telling him what I needed to make things feel good for us both when we made love. Yeah, this time, it was love making. We slowly brought a few toys in to help with days we couldn’t reach climax for me.

My problem is that I desperately want to have more of a drive, not for myself, but for my husband.

This was me, too, but dear readers, it has to be for you, too. When I experienced my awakening, it was such an exhilarating feeling to desire my husband so much. I wanted to keep that drive going forever for myself! (Yes, it was for him, too, but wow, it was incredible!)

I’m finding that I lack motivation, and more then anything I’m frustrated with the constant reminders from my husband that I need to check out sites like these and get to be more “normal”.

Briefly, let me tell you something bold, sisters. God doesn’t make any junk. He creates special unique men and women in his image, so there is nothing abnormal about you. Nothing. That is the lies of Satan right there to tell anyone that they are not normal. Right now, you are where you are in your life as part of God’s plan. You might be in the building phase for something new and beautiful. Ever watch a house go up? Not really pretty when it is just a slab of a foundation or a skeleton of the walls. But little by little, master craftsmen make it into a beautiful home. Think of this experience as something that you are building to. Reach out to your creator and ask him to reveal some of his master plan to you. Search out the God of all Creation, and ask him to help you to see yourself in a new light. He can help you to see who you really are and he will show you what your husband sees in you. When his work in you is complete, you will not see or experience anything more beautiful.

Start by praying. Ask God to make you into the wife he intended for your husband. It’s a hard prayer at first. I didn’t want to change, but I knew that I wasn’t all that God intended for my DH. Little by little, God took that prayer and showed me the wife he intended for my husband. Wow, is all I can say. She is there in you, too, dear ones. Make your motivation to make yourself into who God truly sees you as.

Communicate to your husband when things aren’t working right or if you want to try something different. He can’t read your mind, so if something isn’t working, ask to try a new position. Practice touching yourself so that you can tell him all the right places to touch. Take nice long baths where you can just explore yourself and bring yourself to orgasm. Or if you don’t feel comfortable with touching yourself at first, use a small vibrator or a vibrating bullet or egg. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, you have more tools to help him bring you to orgasm. Teach him how to get you close during oral sex and then enter you at just the right minute. But the key is keeping those doors of communication open. Don’t communicate with Satan….block him out. Ban him from your bedroom. Pray with your husband before love making. Ask God to bless your union with all the pleasure that he intends for you and your husband. When God is a part of your marriage bed, there is nothing but happy times to come!

May God bless all of you with problems like this sister in Christ. I know there are many of you. I will be praying for you.

13 Comments

  1. I also want to ask if you are using hormonal birth control. If you are, please consider trying another form because hormonal BC can be horrible for a woman’s libido in a MAJOR way. If you switch it could take up to a year or longer to get that all out of your system. For some women, hormonal BC works really well. For others it is really bad for the sex drive.

  2. Great article, Spicy Nutmeg! Very well written.

    I was going to say something very similar to Cinnamon Sticks. I have a friend who had this low drive problem from several years on the depo shot (birth control). If none of the things from Spicy Nutmeg’s article help, I would encourage you to go to the doctor and have your estrogen and testosterone levels checked. My friend was 25, but had the estrogen level of a 65 year old woman! After a change in birth controls and some hormone therapy, she is back to normal.

  3. Thank you so much for your website. I have an almost identical problem to the original comment posted which is why I have been searching for help and sympathy and I am so amazed and thankful to run across a christian website written by modern women saying that they enjoy sex for themselves. That alone has been a mind blower for me and I’m wondering whether it is actually possible for me to jump from the category I’m in to the category of christian nympho.
    I liked the hormone comments listed and agree that medications could be a problem. I just wanted to add an additional reason that might be tripping up some people in this area of arousal/desire. I agree, after much reading and learning, that Satan is most likely the culprit for a lot of people, along with lack of proper teaching on what God thinks about sex and our bodies. Anyways, I have previously thought that I was just born this way (with low desire levels) but the more I read and learn, the more I become aware that my problem is unresolved resentment – lack of forgiving my husband for ways that he hurts my feelings. I think that Spicy Nutmeg’s comment about guilt and not forgiving herself was huge for me also. Now that I’ve jumped over that hurdle, I’m realizing that my next obstacle is communication, resentment and forgiveness, not about the pre-marriage past but about ongoing or recent insults as well.
    Can I just add one last comment? It is frustrating to have one’s husband nag and give little comments/reminders. It is frustrating to be treated like we’re the ones with all of the problems like we’re not normal when most likely they need to change/learn/grow a bit in their understanding as well. I am so hoping that if we can both better understand God’s original design and intent, that we’ll both come to the bed more whole and more loving and more accepting and more willingly.

  4. I am almost in tears reading this entry. I understand this woman completely. Thank you for this site.

  5. just to clarify what i saw as a danger in the phrasing of the original post, but your husband should be included in any self-stimulation. It’s fine to explore so that he can serve you better in that way, but not without his knowledge. That is not clear from the post, though I don’t beliieve intentionally so.

  6. When I was raising kids sometimes having sex was just another thing on my “to do” list. It was a chore. I was exhausted, phyisically and emotionally.
    It sounds like you are doing all you can, since you are helping out around the house. Perhaps you could watch the kids while she takes a nap, so she is not too tired for sex at night. Are you having date nights with her so she can get dressed up and not have to be Mommy? Remember all women WANT to be seduced! Make sure she feels that you are wanting to GIVE to her, not just take.
    If she is on the pill that could also effect her sex drive. Certain medications may also make a difference.
    I know this doesn’t help the here and now, but…the kids will eventually grow up!

  7. regarding sex as a chore … yes, sometimes i think sex is a chore … that should never stop you!!! 🙂

    just as a small piece of advice from one married woman to others, i have two kinds of sex with my hubby … the romantic passionate “throw me on the kitchen table kind”, and the “everyday kind”. not every sexual encounter will be like the movies. don’t compare yourself to hollywood actresses every time … just have sex. if it is not a 10 on the richter scale, so be it, it does not have to be. don’t think of it as something to get through, think of it as fun. sooooo he wants to give you an orgasm … let him.

    i think we sometimes put to much pressure on ourselves like we have to be angelina jolie or something and rock his world. just say, “if you want that is fine, but i am a little tired tonight, but i still would not mind having an orgasm mr. conan!”

    then on the special occasions it is that much more special.

    the WORST thing to do is get angry about it. he is a man. he wants sex. he wants sex with you, that is a GOOD thing! as long as you are not in pain or something just go with it.

    also, and i completely do NOT mean this as a criticism or anything … lol … really honey you are great…

    but seriously, how long does it really take out of your day? yeah, on the “let’s pretend we are the english tourist and the brazillian cabana boy nights” it can take a while, but otherwise how long really … what is 30 minutes out of your day in the greater scheme of things

  8. Okay, not every woman wants to get dressed up and be seduced. Every woman is different.

    My advice: making love is about connection. First comes the connection, then the act of making love, then (like the cherry on top!) is physical pleasure and orgasm. Work on the connection you have with your wife. Does she trust you? Do you trust her? Are you honest and open with each other? Are you communicating well (not just verbally!)? Do you know the her deepest desires? Her worst fears?

    The worst thing you can do right now is want sex. I know you probably can’t help it, but don’t express that desire to your wife right now. Instead, express a desire for HER. Her mind, her spirit, her smile, her warmth. Help her come alive and blossom. It sounds like her life right now is miserable. I know financial stuff is hard, but try to find ways of making her life beautiful without spending too much money. You know what will light up her smile (and if you don’t, go ask her!). Is she romantic? Send her love notes or set up a bubble bath. Is she ambitious? Recognize the goals she’s accomplished and find ways to allow her to continue growing. Wise? Ask her opinion or advice. Think about how she has earned your respect, and tell her.

    Basically, love her the way you would if she didn’t have a vagina or other sexual parts. I say this because for a long time this is how my husband had to love me. I have vaginismus, which basically is a condition where intercourse can be extremely painful. What we learned from dealing with vaginismus is that every bad sexual experience lowers your desire to have another. So give her so many good experiences that the good will finally overcome the bad, and then the spark of desire may come back to her.

    Past regrets can be a huge issue. If you can, find a safe time to have a heart-to-heart with your wife about how those past issues are currently affecting her attitudes toward sex. Really listen to her feelings and don’t argue. Sometimes these things don’t make sense, but they are still very powerful. It may be that until her past issues are resolved, she’ll never be able to desire you (or anyone else!)

    Check for medical issues, like depression and/or hypothyroidism. Lots of medical problems can make you dead tired and completely lose your sex drive.

  9. Thank you so much for this post.
    I recently confided in a friend of mine (we are both newlyweds- my first anniversary is this coming month) and I was so ashamed and concerned because I didn’t feel like I was enjoying sex the way I was designed to, and my husband has even commented that he can tell that I’m just not “all there” and is often sad that I don’t display the high sex drive that some other wives do.
    I thought that maybe something was clouding my mind during sex, something that cut out my husband completely, but I never really thought about that being a trial, or shall I say a battle, with Satan. But it maybe makes sense.
    In any case, I will pray about it, and if anyone has extra room on their prayer list, feel free to add me! My husband and I are TTC, so making it enjoyable and fun and spicy is something that we are looking forward to.

  10. I love what you are saying here. A wise woman once told me that sex is a beautiful job that we women have as wives. She also said that sex can always be GOOD. Just sometimes, it’s what she calls “jello sex” (like your lower richter scale) but that sometimes it’s “creme brulee sex” (like your 10 on the richter scale).
    I still haven’t found this enjoyment in my sex life, but I definitely DO get joy out of pleasing my husband, even when I am indifferent to sex. He knows when I am not in the mood or clamboring all over him, but he is very grateful and understanding with me.
    I am of course still trying to learn to make myself enjoy it more so that I don’t feel like it is a chore, but until then, I just think of it as a happy chore that will really make or break my husband’s day. If all I have to do is let my husband express his love for me and that will make him happy and feel loved in return, then by golly, I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll do it. And I will make myself like it. It’s worth it.

  11. Praying for all the young women on this site that are so open.

    I am an older woman that has had the privilege of mentoring young women. Titus teaches us that the older women are to teach the younger women to love their husbands and their children. I have always found it interesting that it says to love our husbands first, and then our children. But as so often happens, the demands of being a mother leave very little left over to love our husbands. And loving our husbands includes the privilege of meeting their sexual desires.

    So glad for this wonderful site where woman can come and share and get support as they purpose to meet their husbands desires, and in doing so, know what it is to be beloved themselves.

    So wish our churches did a better job of teaching this to all women, no matter their age or circumstance.

  12. This made me cry. Good tears. I’ve been so lost throughout these first few years of my marriage. My husband has been worried about me for a while. I want SO badly to be able to show him how much I want him physically, but these voices–you could call it Satan, I guess–have been telling me I don’t like sex. That it hurts. That it’s “dirty.” And I haven’t had anyone tell me these voices are wrong. Sometimes people empathize, but that’s it… My husband and I have spent so much time crying together because I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Not only was this article helpful, but I realized there has always been another voice–God’s–telling me sex is NOT dirty. It’s BEAUTIFUL. And I just couldn’t hear it.

    I don’t know if any of this made sense. But more than anything, I want to say thank you. It’s nice knowing I’m not alone. And I’m going to begin praying to be the wife my husband was intended by God to have…

  13. Have you and your husband read the book “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman? If not, I recommend getting it right away and both of you reading it. It is a great book on sex and intimacy in marriage, written from a Christian perspective.


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