Q&A: Past Sex Partners

Hi I just got engaged and will be getting married shortly. Prior to us getting engaged we talked about our past. I am a virgin and she is not. I have a few questions. I am afraid that I will not live up to her prior experiences so I am very nervous and afraid I won’t know what to do. Also I have forgiven her and understand that we all make mistakes but lately I have wanted to know the details of what she has done. Positions how many times and other information. Am I wrong for wanting to know? I love her more than anything in this world and want to go about this right. Thank you.

     I think you will get many differing opinions on this subject.  If you are not in some form of premarital counseling I strongly encourage the two of you to do so before you walk down the aisle.  My husband and I went through a similar situation so I’m going to share my personal experience.  Unfortunately, my husband and I were both sexually active with other people before we married. When we were engaged we thought it would be a good idea to get everything out in the open. We discussed who, what, where, why and the occasional, how many times. My husband thought this was going to be a one time discussion but it took me a few years to finally stop questioning him about his past. He had told me that he could not even remember everyone he had been with and I should have just left it at that. Instead I kept asking him for specifics and he finally turned to me and said “I haven’t thought of these people for years, I was happy to forget them and now the only reason I am remembering them is because of your questioning.” My husband did not ask me for specifics and looking back that was the smarter thing to do.

     I am sure that it hurts your fiancé more then it hurts you that you will not be her first. Just because a person has had a sexual past does not mean that they will be a better lover. We are all unique in our likes and dislikes. You are the only people on this planet who will be able to satisfy each other in a sexual manner. Just keep the lines of communication open. There is a reason she chose to marry you and not someone else. Our past is our past and there is nothing that will change it. What good would it do to know specific positions? I honestly do not see any good that could come of it. Forgive her as God has and allow her to start anew. Think of all positions as being her first because they will be.  The two of you have a lifetime of memories ahead of you. They will be her first experiences with you and those are the only ones that matter. Keep praying and if these questions continue to weigh on your mind then approach your fiancé and let her know how you are feeling but remember that you may face some consequences as a result.  As long as she is not bringing something into the marriage that could harm it, such as an STD or some sort of sexual addiction, then I would let it go. 

1 Comment

  1. Great response, Peppermint Girl. My hubby and I were in the same (but reversed) situation. He was completely open to answering my questions, which I appreciated at the time. However, in retrospect, I wish I had never asked. It has only harmed our physical intimacy and never helped me “get over” his past partners, though I had forgiven him for the past. I would think about it if we were doing something I knew he had done previously, which would interfere with the moment (obviously!)

    I know now that the desire to know these details was placed by Satan and though I was convinced it would help me (and us), it had the opposite affect. I would recommend discussing with her your feelings and curiousity, but refrain from discussing details. Ask her to help you pray about it – maybe this will bring you closer together instead of driving you apart.

    BTW, thanks for submitting this question. For a long time, I thought that it was just being female that made me obsess about DH’s past partners and details. Thanks for sharing that it can happen regardless of gender.


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