Position#41:The Arm Chair Position

 

If you are thinking that you need an arm chair for this position then think again.  It is actually your husband who is being used as an arm chair.  Have your husband sit down while leaning back or he can just lie all the way down so that you can get into position.  Sit down on his lap while facing him but instead of placing your legs behind you or out straight put them up on his shoulders, one on each side.  Now he can sit up with his back straight.  If he is having a tough time sitting up then feel free to use a headboard or the side of a couch for support.  You now lean back so that you are allowing your shoulders and arms to support your weight.  Now you are in position and ready to rock.

Seeing that you are supporting all of your weight with your arms it may be tough to stimulate your clitoris.  I am sure that your husband will be more than happy to lend a hand if added stimulation is needed.  This is a really fun position.  Not only does it give your husband a tremendous view but it also gives a different sensations then regular women on top.

Q&A: Costumes and Role-Playing

“I have a timely suggestion for a topic that I would like to see the spice girls discuss. I don’t believe this has been discussed already (at least not extensively) if it has I apologize. How is a Christian couple to think about sexy Halloween costumes and their use in the bedroom? I’m not wondering about the Halloween aspect of it, I am more interested in the costume, dress up, and fantasy aspect. (sexy cheerleader, police woman, etc.) Thanks.”

Using costumes and role-playing can be a controversial topic. You may get a different answer from each person you ask. We have mentioned costumes a couple of times on our blog. Cinnamonsticks mentioned using costumes in her article: Stripping For Your Husband, and Sugar & Spice has talked about wearing sexy things in her article: Vision of Love. I feel like the husband and wife are basically free to wear whatever they wish behind closed doors, as long as they are both comfortable with it. If one spouse feels humiliated or degraded or uncomfortable in a certain outfit, then it should go. Otherwise, have fun! Sexy costumes or lingerie can help to boost a woman (or man’s) self esteem and confidence!

Role-playing can be fun as well! In my article The Humor In Sex, I mentioned how my husband and I laughed so hard once, when I was trying to say the lines we wrote for our script. We still have that on video and love to watch it every so often. The possibilities of role-playing are endless! The only thing that I would caution you about is fantasizing about sinful situations or acts. An example of something sinful would be you and your spouse fantasizing about having a threesome with another person. That just wouldn’t be healthy for your marriage at all.

But go ahead and buy some novelty handcuffs and play police together! Husbands, get some medieval costumes and play castle. Wives, purchase that cheerleader costume and then invite your hubby to play with your pom poms 😉  Have fun with each other and celebrate this wonderful gift that God has given us as married couples!

Q&A: Feeling Vulnerable?

We recently received an email from a husband regarding a problem that he and his wife are encountering.

I have a question about feeling vulnerable. My wife and I have a good marriage, but our sex life is hurt by what my wife calls “feeling vulnerable”. As in, she feels vulnerable when we have sex, which begins with her being interested and excited, and ends with her turning away and crying for 5-10 minutes. She steadfastly insists that this is not because of anything I do, but rather because our intimacy makes her feel so vulnerable. I want to believe her, but I can’t help but suspect that I’m somehow responsible. It’s hard to watch when she curls up and sobs, and it’s making me avoid sex because I don’t want to hurt her. Outside of sex she is loving and attentive. She never seems resentful or angry. It’s been like this ever since we got good at sex (both virgins when we married – it was awkward for the first year or so…) Has anyone else encountered anything like this? Any ideas or advice?

To begin with, I think that your wife is experiencing normal feelings because real, honest sex is very intimate and when we are raw like that it opens us up to be vulnerable like nothing else. That is why trust is such an important element of intimacy. BUT, having said that, I feel quite confident in saying that the likelihood that your wife was a victim of abuse is high because her reaction to vulnerability is extreme. (Edited to add: Please read the comment section as some women have said that they experience this and it is not connected to abuse.) It could have been sexual or mental abuse or a combination and come in a variety of forms. Perhaps she was shamed in her sexuality. At minimum she is operating with the lie that sex isn’t safe. Regardless of how she came to believe that lie, it is having a very powerful impact on both of you. She is being robbed of what God intends for her and as her husband I would encourage you to “wash her with the word.” Seek the Lord on how to appropriate this for you and your wife, but one part of it could be to speak scripture over her as she sleeps next to you. You might also consider having a conversation about her past and how it may be effecting her. Tread carefully here. Again, seek the Lord for wisdom on when and how to bring it up and for Him orchestrate the situation if this is something that needs to be addressed more directly.

Some questions I would ponder with her as she is open to them are:

Does she feel overwhelmed by the intimacy, which results in the emotion, but not necessarily bad?
If it is a case of the feeling being negative:
Does she find pleasure during sex? If so, at what point does it shift to feeling bad?
Do the tears come after an orgasm? Is it connected to the released of those intense feelings of an orgasm?
Are the tears accompanied by feelings of relief or of grief?
Does she feel that she has done something wrong or inappropriate?
Does she feel that she isn’t safe?
How does she feel about speaking with a counselor about these issues?

One area where I agree with your wife is that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Based on what you wrote it appears that you are a loving husband who wants to experience all that should be yours together in your marriage bed. This is a good desire and I can completely appreciate how it is being compromised by her reaction to intimacy. If I were in your position I would be anxious about initiating as well.

To depart slightly from your specific situation, there is no doubt about it; sex can be highly intense and I think that if we want to grow in intimacy, we are going to need to choose to be more vulnerable. This is why sex has the potential to get better as we age together, but it is no guarantee. For many, sex remains only a physical act and when a couple isn’t working towards greater intimacy emotionally and spiritually as well as physically, the potential for sex to become stagnant and boring increases significantly. Married sexuality has been getting a bad rap in our culture more and more in recent years, but this discussion makes me ponder the question: How much impact has “surface sex” had on some peoples’ assumption that married sex is boring? What if more people were committed to increasing measures of vulnerability with their spouse even though it might end up costing them their soul; opened up and made bare? I wonder how the benefits of deep intimacy would impact the message that has been sent to so much of the western world about married sex.

But what a gamble! What if, in the process of opening our souls, we are rejected? Abandoned? Hurt? My husband’s and my financial advisers classify us as people who like safe investments, but I continue on with this gamble in my marriage without hesitation. And in a heart beat I’d do it all over again, though with hindsight being what it is I would have pursued deep intimacy sooner. The benefits far outweigh the costs in my opinion.

Low drive….can you help me?

We received this email…

“I’ve been married for just over 3 years now. I cannot orgasm during intercourse which causes me to be very indifferent to sex altogether. Oral is fun sometimes but I just don’t care much for it either. I am definitely a low drive kind of person. My problem is that I desperately want to have more of a drive, not for myself, but for my husband. I’m finding that I lack motivation, and more then anything I’m frustrated with the constant reminders from my husband that I need to check out sites like these and get to be more “normal”. Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated!!!”

I started to write this article in a different direction, but I had a change of mind…God spoke to me. Let me see if I can help you.

My husband thinks I could have written this email. Well, three years ago, I could have. I had been a refuser for many years. I had no drive at all really after my kids were born. I wasn’t really interested in sex at all. I had a hard time orgasming, too. I had absolutely no problem with orgasms when I lived a life of sin before I got married. I even had great orgasms after I got married. The day my dear son was conceived was an A+ in the annals of orgasm history. After that first child was born….nothing. Now the question above didn’t mention if there were children in the picture or not, and it isn’t really an important part of the answer if there is or not.

Satan usually is the culprit behind things such as these. A lot of people like to blame God. “If God wanted me to enjoy sex, I would be enjoying it.” ” If God intended for me to be a truly sexual and orgasmic being, he would have created me that way”…. the list goes on. It makes me wonder why God still loves us so much when we blame him for everything. Satan gets such glee when he can get us to do this. But if you truly seek out God during times of trials, you’ll find that he will point out the true culprit. He’ll help you wade through all the lies being fed to you by Satan and his other fallen angels.

In my case, Satan pulled out my past. He allowed me to punish myself with my past. I was such a sinner as far as sex before marriage was concerned. When I became a Christian, Satan pulled that out of the hat after my wedding to the most wonderful man God could possibly choose for me. My husband had forgiven my past, God had forgiven me of my past, but I hadn’t forgiven myself. So deep down inside was my past…and Satan opened Pandora’s Box and tormented me with my sexual sin. Without realizing it, I allowed Satan into my mind and my life. As soon as my son was born, I lost my orgasm. It started with “Mom’s don’t have sex”, and even when I did have sex with my husband, it wasn’t gratifying or fulfilling….not because of anything he was doing, but because Satan would talk to me the entire time and convince me how much I didn’t like what I was doing. Notice, I didn’t say “when I did make love to my husband”….Satan had me convinced that it was just sex. That is so wrong!!

Do you have anything that is hidden so deep that you may not even consciously be aware of that Satan could have his talons gripped on?

For me, my job as a Mom took much higher precedence than my job as a wife. That is where my mistakes started. God should have been first on my priority list. Even he was put on the back burner. I was a working Mom with guilt over putting my child in daycare. I would come home after a day of work trying to get as much time in with my son as I could, that I would be worn out from it all and have no energy for my husband at all. His needs were even behind my own needs. I know now that I hurt him very badly during that time. In my heart, I knew it was wrong. The Holy Spirit was trying to tell me this, but Satan kept convincing me otherwise. My husband would suggest books that I should read. Heck, no, I wasn’t going to read them! And websites like TMB that at the time were HELPING him, well, I wouldn’t read those either. Still, the Holy Spirit was working in me to try to get through all the tangled mess that Satan had woven in my mind.

God has a perfect time for everything. He knew 3 years ago, that I was at a point when I was desperate for his help. I’ve been that way one other time in my life that I can remember….the night that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. God showed me the truth and exposed all the lies I had believed for so long. I saw my husband in a new light. I became more open to reading articles on Christian websites and not getting offended by them. I slowly became more aware of my body and it’s needs. Touches that I learned to like when I was 8 years old when I learned how to masturbate. I became more open to communicating with my husband, telling him what I needed to make things feel good for us both when we made love. Yeah, this time, it was love making. We slowly brought a few toys in to help with days we couldn’t reach climax for me.

My problem is that I desperately want to have more of a drive, not for myself, but for my husband.

This was me, too, but dear readers, it has to be for you, too. When I experienced my awakening, it was such an exhilarating feeling to desire my husband so much. I wanted to keep that drive going forever for myself! (Yes, it was for him, too, but wow, it was incredible!)

I’m finding that I lack motivation, and more then anything I’m frustrated with the constant reminders from my husband that I need to check out sites like these and get to be more “normal”.

Briefly, let me tell you something bold, sisters. God doesn’t make any junk. He creates special unique men and women in his image, so there is nothing abnormal about you. Nothing. That is the lies of Satan right there to tell anyone that they are not normal. Right now, you are where you are in your life as part of God’s plan. You might be in the building phase for something new and beautiful. Ever watch a house go up? Not really pretty when it is just a slab of a foundation or a skeleton of the walls. But little by little, master craftsmen make it into a beautiful home. Think of this experience as something that you are building to. Reach out to your creator and ask him to reveal some of his master plan to you. Search out the God of all Creation, and ask him to help you to see yourself in a new light. He can help you to see who you really are and he will show you what your husband sees in you. When his work in you is complete, you will not see or experience anything more beautiful.

Start by praying. Ask God to make you into the wife he intended for your husband. It’s a hard prayer at first. I didn’t want to change, but I knew that I wasn’t all that God intended for my DH. Little by little, God took that prayer and showed me the wife he intended for my husband. Wow, is all I can say. She is there in you, too, dear ones. Make your motivation to make yourself into who God truly sees you as.

Communicate to your husband when things aren’t working right or if you want to try something different. He can’t read your mind, so if something isn’t working, ask to try a new position. Practice touching yourself so that you can tell him all the right places to touch. Take nice long baths where you can just explore yourself and bring yourself to orgasm. Or if you don’t feel comfortable with touching yourself at first, use a small vibrator or a vibrating bullet or egg. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, you have more tools to help him bring you to orgasm. Teach him how to get you close during oral sex and then enter you at just the right minute. But the key is keeping those doors of communication open. Don’t communicate with Satan….block him out. Ban him from your bedroom. Pray with your husband before love making. Ask God to bless your union with all the pleasure that he intends for you and your husband. When God is a part of your marriage bed, there is nothing but happy times to come!

May God bless all of you with problems like this sister in Christ. I know there are many of you. I will be praying for you.

Monday’s Mission#32

Your mission this week, if you choose accept it, is to share something personal with your husband that he doesn’t already know and try to learn something new about him.  It can be of a sexual nature, like what you would like to try in bed or as non sexual as sharing a favorite childhood memory.  Have fun with it!!!

Position #40: The Recovery Position

If you are familiar with any first aid you will know that when a person has been treated for an injury or shock that they are then put into the “recovery position” as shown above. Sexually speaking, the recovery position is just like it and a variation of spoons.

To get into the position the wife will lay on her side and bend her knee on her upper leg, raising it so that it is parallel with her waist, more or less as is comfortable for her. The husband will either enter her from behind as explained in the spoons position, or he can raise himself onto his hands and knees and enter her from the slightly different angle.

This position is nice for middle of the night sex if the wife is a side sleeper. It can be a nice treat for her if she likes sex during the night. It is also a nice option for the later stages of pregnancy or in a situation where the wife is tired but wants to bless her husband with sex. It is a very relaxed position, but feels wonderful.

Pros: easy to accomplish, relaxing, g-spot stimulation

Cons: no clitoral stimulation unless manual is incorporated

Q&A: Testicle Play!

“My husband is in Iraq and I expect him back in the next 2 to 5 months.  (No return date on his orders, so just a guess.)  Anyway, I am planning for his return, as I miss him very much.  I would like to try new techniques on him, so I’ve been getting ideas from this site.  One thing that I’d like to try, because I think he’d love it is giving oral attention to his testicles.  However, he is very hairy.  Does the husband shave down there, or is there something to use to cover it?”

Yes, men can and do shave down there!  You can read more about it in my article Pubic Shaving: The Man’s Turn! I was so pleased when my husband decided to start shaving for me.  He doesn’t shave all of it, but he does shave the hair on his testicles and perineum area, because he knows that it helps me when I’m giving him oral sex.  He keeps the hair on top, above the penis, because it doesn’t bother me as much.

Before he started shaving, we had tried just using lots of coconut oil to lube them up.  I thought that maybe it would help, but it didn’t.  I would still end up with stray hairs in my mouth or between my teeth and I’d have to stop and get it out in the middle of trying to please him.  It was frustrating.

You asked about men shaving because you say you are interested in giving oral attentions to his testicles.  What a wonderful thing to do!  Many women forget about them and focus solely on the penis.  The testicles can be an amazing source of pleasure for men.  Here are some things to try when you are going south with your mouth:

Easy does it! Make sure that whatever you do, you start off very easy and gentle.  If he likes what you are doing you can always get a little rougher as you go along.  Watch his facial expressions and body language to see if he is enjoying it, wanting more, or needing you to back off a little.

Use lube! His pleasure is greatly increased if you use lube on his testicles.  It will help things feel better for him.  Your tongue and fingers will glide around so much easier.

Suck one into your mouth. That’s right!  Instead of just licking them, suck one gently into your mouth.  While you have it in there, then put your tongue to work!  Use your tongue to circle all around it and caress it.  Then make sure that you release it gently and suck in the other one.  If you are able to get both testicles in your mouth at the same time, without hurting him, then good for you!

Hum while sucking and licking. Sometimes the subtle vibrations of your mouth are blissful for him.

Gently pull downward on one or both testicles. Some men have reported that this technique is quite erotic and sends them through the roof.  You can use your mouth to kind of ‘suck’ it downward, or you can use your lubed fingers to pull them gently downward.  Again, make sure that you aren’t pulling hard on them!

Use a small vibe. Any vibrator will work, but a small bullet is perfect.  This will give stronger vibrations than that of humming.  Lube that baby up and then circle it around his testicles and perineum area.  If you find a spot that is especially sweet, then hold it there for a while, as you are still working your tongue around other parts of him!

Get up close and personal with your entire face. Don’t be afraid of letting his testicles touch your cheeks and/or nose.  If they are well lubed (and they should be) your nose can also be used to give pleasure at the same time as using your tongue.

Incorporate “left-rights” into your play. If you don’t know what I’m talking about here, then right now as you are reading this, stick out your tongue.  Don’t open your mouth.  Just stick out your tongue through your closed lips.  Now, instead of flicking your tongue up and down, move them from side to side (left to right) very fast.  Try using this technique in between his two testicles.  Remember to start out lightly, but if he wants more then apply more pressure and do the left-rights more aggressively.

Ask about teeth. I do not advise that you use teeth at all unless you ask first.   Some men like a light grazing of teeth while others do not like to feel teeth at all.

Take requests. Yes, I’m serious.  Ask your husband what he would like you to do down there.  There are actually some men who like a very light, repeated slapping of their balls.  Other men really like the feeling of hot breath.  Another thing you two may want to try is having you giving all this oral attention to his testicles while he is masturbating himself.  That can be a very intense orgasm!  So ask your husband if there is anything new that he’d like to request of you!

I think it’s great that you are trying to think of some new ways to please your husband orally!  What a blessed man he is!  I’m sure if anyone else has any suggestions for testicle play, they’ll leave them in the comments.  Good luck!

Adding Spice: Where to Draw the Line

So…where between a husband and wife alone – does the line between erotic, enhancement, spice, variety, education end and pornography begin?  My wife and I had some toys – vibrating egg, vibrating plug, blind fold, vibrators,  penis ring, handcuffs, restraints and some Penthouse Letters.  About a year ago it was all cleaned out and we’ve been struggling with the original question.

She’s saying that as long as it’s just between us and kept in our bedroom – not a problem.  I’m not so sure.  I do know we both enjoyed the toys and the letters.  Not sure what God says about all that.  Trying to keep it all in His perspective.

Thanks in advance.

When adding spice to the bedroom it is important to keep a short list in mind to keep things in perspective.  Things to consider are, is it pleasurable for both individuals, will this help build intimacy and strengthen the marriage bond, and will this have negative repercussions somewhere down the road, if not right now.  If you threw all toys and Penthouse Letters out then if appears as though some guilt was involved.  I commend you for trying to get to the heart of the matter.  I guess you need to look at why you felt using these things were wrong.  If you need to blindfold or handcuff your spouse for arousal then you could be skating around it being a fetish.  (I am just using those two toys as an example here.)  The Penthouse Letters are usually not written about a married couple enjoying each other exclusively, in a loving manner.  After reading those letters I think the reader is left lusting after something external of their relationship with their spouse.

A safer alternative to reading Penthouse Letters is to write some stories of your own.  Stories that involve you and your wife will lower the possibility of either person fantasizing about someone outside your marriage bed.  One of you can start the story and the other can add to it.  My husband and I did this over email one day and not only was it fun to see his creative side, but it was also a great way for us to share our fantasies or recreate a special scenario from our past.  It helps increase the passion between us instead of coming from an outside source, such as Penthouse Letters.

Hopefully some of this will help you see things in a clearer light.  God wants you to enjoy each other.  He made all beings sexual.  Use that gift to strengthen the bond between you and your wife.

Sheet Music

I’m a newlywed, and I’m looking for sexy music to play while having sex. Ideas? I’d love to make a hot playlist on my ipod…. my husband and I love all sorts of music… slow stuff and upbeat stuff….
let me know please!!! Ideas would be helpful. 🙂

(The CN girls seemed to think that I should be the one to answer this e-mail for some reason.  Maybe it has something to do with how I spend my time sitting in a music note with head phones on. 😉 ) 

Music in the bedroom is one of my favorite things as I mentioned in my top 5 list last week.  Art in general is very subjective so what is considered “sexy” music to me may not be so “sexy” to someone else.  Most the time I find that my favorite musical artists translate nicely to the bedroom .  When it comes to picking mood music, I don’t have a certain criteria that it has to fit into.  Most the time my disposition is the basis for my musical choice which will enhance the outfit I wear and the type of sex that we’re going to have.  And my musical taste is all over the place:  At times it’s based on the music itself, at other times it’s based on the lyrics and there are many instances when it’s based on both.  But, since there wasn’t too much specified as far as types of music, I’ll go ahead and give you a run down on some of the different types of music that are used in my bedroom.

 

Albums:

Josh GrobanCloser and Awake

Led Zeppelin– We own almost every album or song. 

Something’s Gotta Give: Music from the Motion Picture

KISS– We own most of their albums from the 1970’s and some more recent than that.

Il DivoIl Divo and Ancora

Alicia KeysUnplugged

Bob MarleyLegend (especially CD #1)

Jeanne RonneIsn’t it Romantic

 

Singles:

Eternal Flame by The Bangles

Naughty Girl by Beyonce’

Hey Mama by Black Eyed Peas

I’m on Fire by Bruce Springsteen

The Flame by Cheap Trick

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper

I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness

Your Song by Elton John

Desire and Giving Him Something He Can Feel by En Vogue

Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton

Paralyzer by Finger 11

Father Figure by George Michael

Need You Tonight and Never Tear Us Apart by INXS

That’s the Way Love Goes, Throb, and Any Time, Any Place by Janet Jackson

SexyBack by Justin Timberlake featuring Timbaland

Constant Craving by k.d. Lang

Secret by Madonna

These Words, I Bruise Easily, Drop Me in the Middle, and Wild Horses by Natasha Bedingfield

Closer by Nine Inch Nails

Hella Good, Hey Baby and Underneath it All by No Doubt

I’ve Got Dreams to Remember by Otis Redding

Hey Ya!  and I Like the Way You Move by OutKast

I’d Die Without You by P.M. Dawn

Think of Me, Music of the Night, and All I Ask of You from The Phantom of the Opera

Black by Pearl Jam

Wrapped Around Your Finger by The Police

Kiss by Prince

BlackBetty by Ram a Lam

Smooth Operator, The Sweetest Taboo and No Ordinary Love by Sade

Get Busy and Temperature by Sean Paul

Sign Your Name by Terence Trent D’Arby

With or Without You by U2

And then I have a wish list that’s nearly a mile long!  Even if this variety of songs isn’t up to your speed, I hope that it can give you a step in the right direction.  And hopefully some of the other CN girls and other readers can add some of their favorites as well. 

Here’s to listening and making beautiful music in the bedroom!

Monday’s Mission #31

Your mission this week should you choose to accept it is to plan an evening full of your husband’s favorites. Favorite dinner, favorite dessert, favorite past time, favorite TV show, favorite sex act, favorite position, whatever things are at the top of his favorites list, try to do as many of them in one evening as is reasonable. Not only sexually, but generally as well. Have fun planning an evening that will bless his socks off.

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