How do the CN girls do it?

“I was just curious. I love my husband, and we have a great relationship.
I do not have the same sex drive as he does. I work full time, have teenagers, house, church, and all the other things that take my energy and time.  I am curious how the Christian nymphos have the time and energy they are investing.  It sounds like they are having sex 6 and 7 times a week, Wow, where do you all get the energy and the time?”

Well, we all get up at 5:30am and shower thoroughly, shave all crevices, brush our teeth, and apply perfume and/or sweet smelling lotions. We then sneak back into bed smelling all fresh, where we proceed to wake up our husbands up with oral sex.  After morning sex, we go make a three-course breakfast for our families and send everyone off to school/work. We attend aerobics/pilates/kickboxing classes weekly to keep up the cardio, and we eat protein bars to help sustain us. We masturbate five times daily to keep our drives up, and then we have a gourmet dinner ready when our husbands come home from a long day’s work. We then give our husbands a foot rub while they watch the game on TV. During half time we have sex again and then we wash up and retire for the night. Isn’t that how it works at your house? 😆

I hope you at least smiled just now. We certainly don’t keep up schedules like that, and I don’t know anyone who could. We come from all walks of life. A couple of us work full time or part time, and a couple of us are stay-at-home-moms. We all have at least two children and we all attend church. We know all too well about time restraints and feeling low on energy. We don’t always have the time or the energy to do all that we want to do, but we know that should not be used as an excuse to refrain from nurturing our marriages.

As a woman, I can say that one of the best things I have that helps keep me motivated is Christian girlfriends. When I hit a rough patch and my libido drops, and my attitude turns sour… you had better believe that my Spice Sisters are there to encourage me to help lift me out of my own pity party. They remind me to count my blessings and to keep looking up. When I get too busy and start venting and complaining about life’s daily struggles, they help me to regain my focus.

No, we are not all having sex every single day, nor did we mean to give the impression that we are. We six women are using this blog as a place where we can all write about important sexual issues and topics, and at the same time reach out to other women and bring them into the fold. And in doing this, we are actually helping to encourage ourselves in the process. I may not be in a very sexual mood today, but if I’m in charge of writing up the “Position of the Week” you had better believe that my mood will probably change after thinking about doing that position with my man! Writing on this blog kind of forces us to “think sex” and therefore helps us to keep those creative thoughts at the front of our minds.

You asked how we have the time and energy to invest in this. The answer to that is fairly simple. We make it a priority. I wake up in the morning and go over my to-do list in my head…pack lunches, check the blog, go to the grocery store, do the laundry, thaw the meatloaf for dinner, oh, and try to remember to send my husband a sexy text or put on something sexy under my clothes for later tonight! For me, making a mental list is essential to getting everything done in my day. Many times I even have to write it down. I know that I need to pick up milk for my family because it’s a need. I know that I have to wash our laundry as well. Adding one simple thing each day (or trying to) that pertains to my marriage or my husband really helps to keep the fire alive. Sure there are days that I forget or days where I run out of time and don’t get everything done, but the point is for me to try and make a conscious effort to THINK about my husband and/or our sex life. When things don’t work out one day, I just try again the next.

Believe me when I say that we do understand. None of us claim to be super-wives or sex goddesses 24/7. We are simply striving to do our best to be the wives that we know Jesus wants us to be for our husbands. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about us, and I’m so glad that you wrote in asking us about this! I wrote this article on behalf of us all, but I’m sure that the other Spice Girls may choose to leave their own replies in the comment section below.

Q&A: Past Sex Partners

Hi I just got engaged and will be getting married shortly. Prior to us getting engaged we talked about our past. I am a virgin and she is not. I have a few questions. I am afraid that I will not live up to her prior experiences so I am very nervous and afraid I won’t know what to do. Also I have forgiven her and understand that we all make mistakes but lately I have wanted to know the details of what she has done. Positions how many times and other information. Am I wrong for wanting to know? I love her more than anything in this world and want to go about this right. Thank you.

     I think you will get many differing opinions on this subject.  If you are not in some form of premarital counseling I strongly encourage the two of you to do so before you walk down the aisle.  My husband and I went through a similar situation so I’m going to share my personal experience.  Unfortunately, my husband and I were both sexually active with other people before we married. When we were engaged we thought it would be a good idea to get everything out in the open. We discussed who, what, where, why and the occasional, how many times. My husband thought this was going to be a one time discussion but it took me a few years to finally stop questioning him about his past. He had told me that he could not even remember everyone he had been with and I should have just left it at that. Instead I kept asking him for specifics and he finally turned to me and said “I haven’t thought of these people for years, I was happy to forget them and now the only reason I am remembering them is because of your questioning.” My husband did not ask me for specifics and looking back that was the smarter thing to do.

     I am sure that it hurts your fiancé more then it hurts you that you will not be her first. Just because a person has had a sexual past does not mean that they will be a better lover. We are all unique in our likes and dislikes. You are the only people on this planet who will be able to satisfy each other in a sexual manner. Just keep the lines of communication open. There is a reason she chose to marry you and not someone else. Our past is our past and there is nothing that will change it. What good would it do to know specific positions? I honestly do not see any good that could come of it. Forgive her as God has and allow her to start anew. Think of all positions as being her first because they will be.  The two of you have a lifetime of memories ahead of you. They will be her first experiences with you and those are the only ones that matter. Keep praying and if these questions continue to weigh on your mind then approach your fiancé and let her know how you are feeling but remember that you may face some consequences as a result.  As long as she is not bringing something into the marriage that could harm it, such as an STD or some sort of sexual addiction, then I would let it go. 

Monday’s Mission #33

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to try out a new sex position.  All of us can get stuck in particular patterns in our life.  Some are great habits, but some create complacency and boredom.  Who wants to have monotony within their monogamy?  This week’s challenge is geared to get you thinking outside of your normal box by trying something a little different.  There is an extensive list of different positions right here on our blog or you can tweak a known favorite just to make it fresh.  If the new position doesn’t quite meet expectations, then just laugh your way through it or try it again another time.  You never know, you just may come up with a new favorite!

Position#41:The Arm Chair Position

 

If you are thinking that you need an arm chair for this position then think again.  It is actually your husband who is being used as an arm chair.  Have your husband sit down while leaning back or he can just lie all the way down so that you can get into position.  Sit down on his lap while facing him but instead of placing your legs behind you or out straight put them up on his shoulders, one on each side.  Now he can sit up with his back straight.  If he is having a tough time sitting up then feel free to use a headboard or the side of a couch for support.  You now lean back so that you are allowing your shoulders and arms to support your weight.  Now you are in position and ready to rock.

Seeing that you are supporting all of your weight with your arms it may be tough to stimulate your clitoris.  I am sure that your husband will be more than happy to lend a hand if added stimulation is needed.  This is a really fun position.  Not only does it give your husband a tremendous view but it also gives a different sensations then regular women on top.

Q&A: Costumes and Role-Playing

“I have a timely suggestion for a topic that I would like to see the spice girls discuss. I don’t believe this has been discussed already (at least not extensively) if it has I apologize. How is a Christian couple to think about sexy Halloween costumes and their use in the bedroom? I’m not wondering about the Halloween aspect of it, I am more interested in the costume, dress up, and fantasy aspect. (sexy cheerleader, police woman, etc.) Thanks.”

Using costumes and role-playing can be a controversial topic. You may get a different answer from each person you ask. We have mentioned costumes a couple of times on our blog. Cinnamonsticks mentioned using costumes in her article: Stripping For Your Husband, and Sugar & Spice has talked about wearing sexy things in her article: Vision of Love. I feel like the husband and wife are basically free to wear whatever they wish behind closed doors, as long as they are both comfortable with it. If one spouse feels humiliated or degraded or uncomfortable in a certain outfit, then it should go. Otherwise, have fun! Sexy costumes or lingerie can help to boost a woman (or man’s) self esteem and confidence!

Role-playing can be fun as well! In my article The Humor In Sex, I mentioned how my husband and I laughed so hard once, when I was trying to say the lines we wrote for our script. We still have that on video and love to watch it every so often. The possibilities of role-playing are endless! The only thing that I would caution you about is fantasizing about sinful situations or acts. An example of something sinful would be you and your spouse fantasizing about having a threesome with another person. That just wouldn’t be healthy for your marriage at all.

But go ahead and buy some novelty handcuffs and play police together! Husbands, get some medieval costumes and play castle. Wives, purchase that cheerleader costume and then invite your hubby to play with your pom poms 😉  Have fun with each other and celebrate this wonderful gift that God has given us as married couples!

Q&A: Feeling Vulnerable?

We recently received an email from a husband regarding a problem that he and his wife are encountering.

I have a question about feeling vulnerable. My wife and I have a good marriage, but our sex life is hurt by what my wife calls “feeling vulnerable”. As in, she feels vulnerable when we have sex, which begins with her being interested and excited, and ends with her turning away and crying for 5-10 minutes. She steadfastly insists that this is not because of anything I do, but rather because our intimacy makes her feel so vulnerable. I want to believe her, but I can’t help but suspect that I’m somehow responsible. It’s hard to watch when she curls up and sobs, and it’s making me avoid sex because I don’t want to hurt her. Outside of sex she is loving and attentive. She never seems resentful or angry. It’s been like this ever since we got good at sex (both virgins when we married – it was awkward for the first year or so…) Has anyone else encountered anything like this? Any ideas or advice?

To begin with, I think that your wife is experiencing normal feelings because real, honest sex is very intimate and when we are raw like that it opens us up to be vulnerable like nothing else. That is why trust is such an important element of intimacy. BUT, having said that, I feel quite confident in saying that the likelihood that your wife was a victim of abuse is high because her reaction to vulnerability is extreme. (Edited to add: Please read the comment section as some women have said that they experience this and it is not connected to abuse.) It could have been sexual or mental abuse or a combination and come in a variety of forms. Perhaps she was shamed in her sexuality. At minimum she is operating with the lie that sex isn’t safe. Regardless of how she came to believe that lie, it is having a very powerful impact on both of you. She is being robbed of what God intends for her and as her husband I would encourage you to “wash her with the word.” Seek the Lord on how to appropriate this for you and your wife, but one part of it could be to speak scripture over her as she sleeps next to you. You might also consider having a conversation about her past and how it may be effecting her. Tread carefully here. Again, seek the Lord for wisdom on when and how to bring it up and for Him orchestrate the situation if this is something that needs to be addressed more directly.

Some questions I would ponder with her as she is open to them are:

Does she feel overwhelmed by the intimacy, which results in the emotion, but not necessarily bad?
If it is a case of the feeling being negative:
Does she find pleasure during sex? If so, at what point does it shift to feeling bad?
Do the tears come after an orgasm? Is it connected to the released of those intense feelings of an orgasm?
Are the tears accompanied by feelings of relief or of grief?
Does she feel that she has done something wrong or inappropriate?
Does she feel that she isn’t safe?
How does she feel about speaking with a counselor about these issues?

One area where I agree with your wife is that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Based on what you wrote it appears that you are a loving husband who wants to experience all that should be yours together in your marriage bed. This is a good desire and I can completely appreciate how it is being compromised by her reaction to intimacy. If I were in your position I would be anxious about initiating as well.

To depart slightly from your specific situation, there is no doubt about it; sex can be highly intense and I think that if we want to grow in intimacy, we are going to need to choose to be more vulnerable. This is why sex has the potential to get better as we age together, but it is no guarantee. For many, sex remains only a physical act and when a couple isn’t working towards greater intimacy emotionally and spiritually as well as physically, the potential for sex to become stagnant and boring increases significantly. Married sexuality has been getting a bad rap in our culture more and more in recent years, but this discussion makes me ponder the question: How much impact has “surface sex” had on some peoples’ assumption that married sex is boring? What if more people were committed to increasing measures of vulnerability with their spouse even though it might end up costing them their soul; opened up and made bare? I wonder how the benefits of deep intimacy would impact the message that has been sent to so much of the western world about married sex.

But what a gamble! What if, in the process of opening our souls, we are rejected? Abandoned? Hurt? My husband’s and my financial advisers classify us as people who like safe investments, but I continue on with this gamble in my marriage without hesitation. And in a heart beat I’d do it all over again, though with hindsight being what it is I would have pursued deep intimacy sooner. The benefits far outweigh the costs in my opinion.

Low drive….can you help me?

We received this email…

“I’ve been married for just over 3 years now. I cannot orgasm during intercourse which causes me to be very indifferent to sex altogether. Oral is fun sometimes but I just don’t care much for it either. I am definitely a low drive kind of person. My problem is that I desperately want to have more of a drive, not for myself, but for my husband. I’m finding that I lack motivation, and more then anything I’m frustrated with the constant reminders from my husband that I need to check out sites like these and get to be more “normal”. Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated!!!”

I started to write this article in a different direction, but I had a change of mind…God spoke to me. Let me see if I can help you.

My husband thinks I could have written this email. Well, three years ago, I could have. I had been a refuser for many years. I had no drive at all really after my kids were born. I wasn’t really interested in sex at all. I had a hard time orgasming, too. I had absolutely no problem with orgasms when I lived a life of sin before I got married. I even had great orgasms after I got married. The day my dear son was conceived was an A+ in the annals of orgasm history. After that first child was born….nothing. Now the question above didn’t mention if there were children in the picture or not, and it isn’t really an important part of the answer if there is or not.

Satan usually is the culprit behind things such as these. A lot of people like to blame God. “If God wanted me to enjoy sex, I would be enjoying it.” ” If God intended for me to be a truly sexual and orgasmic being, he would have created me that way”…. the list goes on. It makes me wonder why God still loves us so much when we blame him for everything. Satan gets such glee when he can get us to do this. But if you truly seek out God during times of trials, you’ll find that he will point out the true culprit. He’ll help you wade through all the lies being fed to you by Satan and his other fallen angels.

In my case, Satan pulled out my past. He allowed me to punish myself with my past. I was such a sinner as far as sex before marriage was concerned. When I became a Christian, Satan pulled that out of the hat after my wedding to the most wonderful man God could possibly choose for me. My husband had forgiven my past, God had forgiven me of my past, but I hadn’t forgiven myself. So deep down inside was my past…and Satan opened Pandora’s Box and tormented me with my sexual sin. Without realizing it, I allowed Satan into my mind and my life. As soon as my son was born, I lost my orgasm. It started with “Mom’s don’t have sex”, and even when I did have sex with my husband, it wasn’t gratifying or fulfilling….not because of anything he was doing, but because Satan would talk to me the entire time and convince me how much I didn’t like what I was doing. Notice, I didn’t say “when I did make love to my husband”….Satan had me convinced that it was just sex. That is so wrong!!

Do you have anything that is hidden so deep that you may not even consciously be aware of that Satan could have his talons gripped on?

For me, my job as a Mom took much higher precedence than my job as a wife. That is where my mistakes started. God should have been first on my priority list. Even he was put on the back burner. I was a working Mom with guilt over putting my child in daycare. I would come home after a day of work trying to get as much time in with my son as I could, that I would be worn out from it all and have no energy for my husband at all. His needs were even behind my own needs. I know now that I hurt him very badly during that time. In my heart, I knew it was wrong. The Holy Spirit was trying to tell me this, but Satan kept convincing me otherwise. My husband would suggest books that I should read. Heck, no, I wasn’t going to read them! And websites like TMB that at the time were HELPING him, well, I wouldn’t read those either. Still, the Holy Spirit was working in me to try to get through all the tangled mess that Satan had woven in my mind.

God has a perfect time for everything. He knew 3 years ago, that I was at a point when I was desperate for his help. I’ve been that way one other time in my life that I can remember….the night that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. God showed me the truth and exposed all the lies I had believed for so long. I saw my husband in a new light. I became more open to reading articles on Christian websites and not getting offended by them. I slowly became more aware of my body and it’s needs. Touches that I learned to like when I was 8 years old when I learned how to masturbate. I became more open to communicating with my husband, telling him what I needed to make things feel good for us both when we made love. Yeah, this time, it was love making. We slowly brought a few toys in to help with days we couldn’t reach climax for me.

My problem is that I desperately want to have more of a drive, not for myself, but for my husband.

This was me, too, but dear readers, it has to be for you, too. When I experienced my awakening, it was such an exhilarating feeling to desire my husband so much. I wanted to keep that drive going forever for myself! (Yes, it was for him, too, but wow, it was incredible!)

I’m finding that I lack motivation, and more then anything I’m frustrated with the constant reminders from my husband that I need to check out sites like these and get to be more “normal”.

Briefly, let me tell you something bold, sisters. God doesn’t make any junk. He creates special unique men and women in his image, so there is nothing abnormal about you. Nothing. That is the lies of Satan right there to tell anyone that they are not normal. Right now, you are where you are in your life as part of God’s plan. You might be in the building phase for something new and beautiful. Ever watch a house go up? Not really pretty when it is just a slab of a foundation or a skeleton of the walls. But little by little, master craftsmen make it into a beautiful home. Think of this experience as something that you are building to. Reach out to your creator and ask him to reveal some of his master plan to you. Search out the God of all Creation, and ask him to help you to see yourself in a new light. He can help you to see who you really are and he will show you what your husband sees in you. When his work in you is complete, you will not see or experience anything more beautiful.

Start by praying. Ask God to make you into the wife he intended for your husband. It’s a hard prayer at first. I didn’t want to change, but I knew that I wasn’t all that God intended for my DH. Little by little, God took that prayer and showed me the wife he intended for my husband. Wow, is all I can say. She is there in you, too, dear ones. Make your motivation to make yourself into who God truly sees you as.

Communicate to your husband when things aren’t working right or if you want to try something different. He can’t read your mind, so if something isn’t working, ask to try a new position. Practice touching yourself so that you can tell him all the right places to touch. Take nice long baths where you can just explore yourself and bring yourself to orgasm. Or if you don’t feel comfortable with touching yourself at first, use a small vibrator or a vibrating bullet or egg. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, you have more tools to help him bring you to orgasm. Teach him how to get you close during oral sex and then enter you at just the right minute. But the key is keeping those doors of communication open. Don’t communicate with Satan….block him out. Ban him from your bedroom. Pray with your husband before love making. Ask God to bless your union with all the pleasure that he intends for you and your husband. When God is a part of your marriage bed, there is nothing but happy times to come!

May God bless all of you with problems like this sister in Christ. I know there are many of you. I will be praying for you.

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