Thanksgiving Break

We are taking a couple of days off this week as many of us spend time with our families celebrating Thanksgiving. We will be back again on Monday with our usual articles, plus a new series of articles beginning where we will be interviewing guests who have a variety of experiences in the area of marriage and intimacy.

We hope you have an opportunity to reflect on the blessings in your life this week and we want to extend our thanks, first, to the Lord Jesus for showing us the way to have a life full of meaning and purpose. We believe that we weren’t only saved from something (separation from God), but also that we were saved to something (responding to His Spirit as He invites us to minister His heart on the earth.) We are also incredibly thankful for our husbands and children. Our homes, though not perfect, are filled with much happiness and peace. And we thank you, our readers, for hearing our message.

How Do I Know What’s OK?

In discerning what is and is not OK in a husband and wife’s sexual relationship when they have as much of a desire to walk rightly with God as they do to have a passionate marriage bed, I want to give you several guidelines to help you find clarity for your relationship with your spouse. We have spoken of these guidelines generally with certain topics as they have come up, but this article is focused on explaining each of them. Whether you are considering oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, masturbation, role playing, light bondage or simply even a new position, I offer you these questions to consider as you look at whether or not to include it on your shelf of spices.

Does this sexual act include anyone other than your spouse? Whether the person is physically in the room as in the case of threesomes, or if they are on a television screen in the case of pornography, or even if they are mentally in your head in the case of fantasizing about having sex with someone else, we would encourage you not to include these activities in your marriage bed. Although they might seem erotic and sexy, they will be a distraction from God’s plan for your hot and spicy sex life.

Is this sexual act something that both spouses agree they would like to try? If one spouse would like to try an activity in bed and the other feels it is wrong or simply feels really uncomfortable doing it, it should remain off the table until unity is reached. Now, there are situations where a husband or wife wishes to avoid all sex and in this case we are dealing with a sin issue of refusal which you can find information about here. However when I speak of being in agreement, I mean that if, for example, one spouse wants to have sex somewhere semi-public and the other is uncomfortable with it, the one who desires it should present it on occasion and then let the other person choose to try it or not. Strongly pressuring your spouse because you find it highly erotic and know that it would add to your sexual experience will actually make them less likely to try it. Refusing a specific act is not the same as refusing sex. Having said this, let me encourage you to try things you are a bit uncomfortable with if your spouse shows an interest. Sometimes we view something as sin either because we were taught that it is, though it may not actually be so, or because we fear it. Pray about it. If it is sin, avoid it. If it is something you fear or something someone else told you was wrong, consider trying it if you feel peace about that. Ask God to give you truth as you seek out what is and what is not sinful.

Is this sexual act one that God has clearly told us in Scripture is to be avoided? There are some acts which we are told in the Bible are not for us to participate in. Among the list are sex with animals, sex with someone of the same gender, and sex with someone who is married to someone else. Trying to justify our sin by saying that a loving God wouldn’t restrict us in these ways is harmful primarily to our relationship with Him, but also to our spouse. God planned for sex to be the way He did for a reason. When we avoid the things He tells us to avoid, then sex as He planned it to be from the beginning can be restored. Remember that before sin entered the world Adam and Eve walked around naked all the time. Sin, not God, caused them to think there was something wrong with their sexuality.

Does this sexual act move you towards deeper intimacy or further away? There are some things which could be a distraction from where our sexual energy should be focused. Fetishes would fall into this category. Dictionary.com defines a fetish as “any object or non-genital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.” If you love your wife’s sexy feet or your husband’s strong broad shoulders and they are a turn on for you, this is not a harmful fetish unless you require these body parts to be involved in order to become aroused. A harmful fixation on a fetish will result in the item or body part becoming a greater focus than your spouse which will not facilitate deeper intimacy.

Does this sexual act degrade or cause pain to my spouse? There are a number of sexual acts which some people participate in that are degrading to one of the people. Acts involving bodily waste (scat, golden showers, emetophilia…) have no place in a sexual relationship where the husband and wife are also seeking to live a life of devotion to the One who said that husbands should love their wives and wives should respect their husbands. As well, if you and your spouse enjoy the teasing and playfulness and trust involved in light bondage and that builds your intimacy then feel free to incorporate it, but anything in the arena of BDSM which causes pain or is motivated by a desire to intimidate the one God has given you to be your lifelong companion should not be incorporated. Violence is unacceptable.

I hope these guidelines are helpful as you honestly look at the options you have for spicing things up. Really, there are far more things that you can enjoy together, than those you can not. And for the things that shouldn’t be included, there are legitimate reasons. Don’t fight God on it, trust Him. If you don’t believe in God, try living sexually this way for awhile and see what comes of it.

Question: Baptism v. Salvation?

I am not married, and I have not been baptised, but I love your blog as it has taught me a lot about Christianity and relationships. Also, you all seem open minded so I would love it if someone might reply to me, even if it’s just private.

I don’t want to get baptized until I know I am ready and pure enough to serve god.

I have pulled some excerpts from an email that we got recently, and I wanted to take the time to talk about baptism.  It’s going to be an interesting topic because different religions have a different take on baptism, especially when you should baptize.  In this article, I am not going to go into that portion of the debate at all, but to the meaning of baptism.

I grew up in a world where it seemed very serene and peaceful in my house.   Not once did I know that my family was poor.  Everyone helped everyone else out in their time of need.  Extended family members all had a talent for something….one relative was good with car repairs, another was good with building and carpentry, another one was an awesome cook….you get the picture.   We all did good deeds for each other.   That’s a good thing, right?

The bible tells us that good deeds are not enough.   We can do many good deeds, but what would Heaven be like if we all bragged on what we did in our life?   “I fed 1,000 homeless people every Sunday”…. Or “I did weekly auto repairs for the widow down the street who couldn’t afford to fix her car”  Or “I preached millions of sermons that brought millions to Christ”….. don’t we do enough of that on Earth right now?  What would be so special about Heaven if we were all like that?

The Bible tells us there is only one way to Heaven…Through the shed blood of Jesus Christ.   Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the light.  No man comes to the Father except through me.”  (John 14:6) Jesus also tells us in John 10:7-10 ” Therefore Jesus said again, “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Do we need to be baptized to go to heaven?  No.  In the Bible, when someone believed in Jesus and was saved, they were baptized to publicly proclaim their belief.   The Bible never claims that baptism is what saves you.

What does baptism mean?    Baptism represents the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.   I believe firmly in baptism by immersion, even though I was sprinkled as a child by my parents.   When you publicly declare your salvation, the immersion indicates the fact that you believe that Christ died and was buried (when you are immersed) and that he conquered the grave and rose again (when you come up from the water).   Salvation is a personal decision that no one can make for you.   Baptism is a choice.

Do you have to get your life in order before you can be saved or baptized?  Heavens, no!.   God loves you just as you are.  If you are feeling the need of a Savior, do it now.  Don’t wait.  We do not know the day and the hour that the Lord is returning, so don’t wait.  Do it now.   God and the Holy Spirit will help you start to get your life in order after you are saved.   Do you have to be baptized right away after you are saved?  No.   I would recommend finding a group of Christian people to fellowship with that will help you to grow and to mature in the ways of the Lord.   Be still and listen to the calling of the Holy Spirit who will guide you through out your life.  I didn’t change much after I asked Jesus to be my Savior.  It took some time, and I went through several church homes before I found one that I felt comfortable in and I started learning.   Get yourself a good Bible.  If you are not familiar with the Bible at all, get a New American Standard (NASB) or a New International Version (NIV) that is easier to read and understand.  I use a Ryrie Study Bible (NASB) because I love all the additional notes that Dr. Charles Ryrie wrote below the text that helps explain things better.   Start with the Gospels.   Any one of them is a wonderful start.  I happen to love details, so Luke is my favorite gospel.  Being a doctor, Luke gives lots of information.  Read the bible, talk to a pastor if you have questions about the bible or about baptism.   It took me about 2 years or so before I really felt comfortable with being baptized again since I had a lot of questions about my original baptism, but it felt really good to publically profess my faith to the friends that I now had in the church.

This article is written from my own perspective and is pretty much what is taught in most Bible and Baptist churches, and other Christians might see it differently.  I hope this answers any questions!

Monday’s Misson: #38

Your challenge for the week is to write an erotic story for your husband. It can be tame, hot, or anywhere in between.  Write about a fantasy you have with your hubby or a fantasy he has told you about.  You can mail it to him, put it in his favorite reading area or leave it on his pillow.  Be sure to spray it with his favorite cologne!!   Have fun!

Position #46: Old Faithful (69)

This oral sex position is an oldie but a goodie… one that we return to time and time again.  The saying goes “It’s better to give than to receive”, but why not give and receive at the same time?  That’s right, it’s the old faithful “69” position.

The traditional execution of this position is as follows:

  • The husband lies flat on his back.
  • The wife then lies on top of him, with her genitals lining up with his mouth and her mouth lining up with his genitals.
  • Proceed with giving each other oral delight.

Things to consider:

  • Both spouses may use their hands in conjunction with their mouths.
  • Not only can the hands be used on the genital areas, but also to caress other accessible parts of the body.
  • Don’t get so caught up in the great feelings that you’re receiving that you forget to also give back.
  • This position can be used as foreplay or to completion.

Cuddle vs Get Up and Go

We have received multiple inquires about post coital cleanup.  Some husbands are wondering why their wives jump up to clean immediately after instead of cuddling and the women want to know if they are normal for wanting to scrub down.  Many women prefer to clean up immediately after to prevent infections.  Bacteria can be pushed up during intercourse and the best and easiest way to flush it out is to urinate.  Another reason we may feel like cleaning is to prevent our juices from soiling the sheets.  If we just cuddle up then the fluids just slowly seep out and it is not a very comfortable feeling.  (Some women are exceptions to this rule though and they don’t mind their love juices seeping out.  In fact, they may see it as a nice reminder of what has occured.)

 

Some other options to running to the bathroom are to have some baby wipes or towels ready next to the bed for a quick clean up.  This way it only takes a second and you can continue to bask in the afterglow while cuddling instead of leaving your man all alone in bed.  If you are feeling like a shower, then why not invite your man to join you?  Who knows, this could even lead to a second roll in the hay.  If you are prone to UTI’s then I suggest you continue to urinate post coital.  If someone is leaving the bed to clean up it should not be looked at as them not accepting their spouse they are probably just trying to feel more comfortable or avoid and infection.  If you feel like your spouse is jumping ship to avoid intimacy and put up a barrier then the best thing to do is to have a heart to heart. 

Q&A: Masturbation Fantasies

“My husband and I have been married for 10 months now. Before getting married, I would masturbate as a way of sexual release. However, during masturbation I would think up elaborate sex story plots and fantasies. I would never put a face to my characters, but I would still have these thoughts swirling in my mind. I learned to orgasm through these experiences. Now that I’m married, I’ve learned that it’s very difficult for me to orgasm through sex, and the only way I can, is if I think back on these stories I made up as a young adult. Even then it takes much longer to orgasm through sex then masturbation. I want to obey Paul’s command “whatever is true whatever is noble, what ever is right, whatever is pure, think about these things.”  So, how do I change these sexual thoughts to my husband solely, and not these sexual fantasies? And by doing so, how do I train myself to orgasm without these thoughts as a crutch?”

First of all I want to point out that it is common for women to be able to orgasm more quickly through solo masturbation than through sexual intercourse.  We know exactly what our bodies like and what it takes to get ourselves there.  Some of us can bring ourselves to orgasm in 10 seconds flat.  So the fact that it takes you longer to reach orgasm through intercourse is perfectly normal.  It’s that way for most of us.

It sounds as though your body (and mind) has learned to associate orgasm with elaborate fantasies.  You need the story plots and characters in order to climax.  It sounds very much like a fetish.  The fantasies you made up in the past became something that you used every time you masturbated, and so your body still needs them now in order to put you over the top.  Don’t worry though.  Even though it’s true that old habits die hard, it is very possible to break this chain!

You will need to re-wire your brain for sex.  This isn’t something that is accomplished overnight, so be prepared to work at it.  You said that in your fantasies you never put a face to your characters.  That was great then, but have you thought about doing so now?  Hear me out…  If one of your elaborate fantasies involved being captured on a pirate’s ship, and held hostage out on the raging sea… then make it so that your wonderful husband is there too.  Have him in your mind, dressed ragged, and coming to rescue you.  He is the face you see.  He is the one who sets you free and helps you to escape to the deserted island.  He is the one who makes passionate love to you on the sand while waiting for a ship to take you back home.  If one of your fantasies involved being sold into a harem (Maybe I’ve read too many romance novels? 😳 )… Then pretend that just before anything bad happens, a wonderful man befriends you and frees you from your captors.  You two run away together and wed and spend an amazing night under the stars making love. Did you guess that this man was your husband?

Changing your fantasies to include your husband in them is a great place to start.  If you can put your husband into your old fantasies, and “update them” so to speak, you will be making progress.  It may take a while to get used to this idea, but don’t give up!  Then, over time, you should be able to break free from those old fantasies and move forward to new ones that include your husband.  You will already be use to seeing his face in your mind, so you will be able to create new fantasies of you and your darling hubby on the moon getting it on in a crater or something! 😀

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And you know what else helps?  Actually thinking of some fantasies that you will be able to make come true!  I had a fantasy for years of making love in a dressing room at the mall.  When I finally told my husband, he helped me to make it happen…more than once!  And now, sometimes when we are making love at home, my mind will drift back to that dressing room and I’ll see us in front of the mirror in that certain position we had to use on the stool in there.   I’ll remember how we had to keep quiet so that we wouldn’t get caught.  It really is such a turn on reminiscing on fantasies that have actually happened.  Maybe you two could think of some nice fantasies you have that you could actually make come true?  Then you would be able to keep your mind in the here and now instead of reverting to the past.

Once you have moved past the faceless characters, and replaced them with your husband.  And after you have created new fantasies of you and him.  The next step would be for you to be able to stop relying on fantasies period.  Don’t get me wrong here.  Having healthy fantasies of you and your husband is fine.  But because of your past, I am worried that you are relying on them too much.  You should eventually get to the point where you are able to just be with your husband and enjoy what he is doing to your body, without your mind escaping into fantasy world.  It will help if you totally quit the solo masturbating.  Let your body learn to respond to his touch.  In the beginning it will be hard, and it may take a while before you are able to orgasm that way, but once your husband gets more experience with your body it will get easier.  Show him what you like and what works for you.  Relax and don’t put pressure on yourself to orgasm in the beginning.  Just let him make you feel good, and if it isn’t enough to put you over the top then that’s okay…there is always next time.  Eventually your body will start responding more and will let go of the need for fantasies.

You may find that you don’t need to go through all these steps, but I’ve tried to think of baby steps to get you to where you want to be, one small progression at a time.  You will need patience and a strong determination to break free from your “crutch,” but it can be done.  Don’t forget to pray.  Yes, God does listen when we pray about our sex lives, so be honest with Him and ask Him to help you give this up.  Ask Him to help you grow in intimacy with your husband, and to bless your marriage bed.

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