“My husband and I have been married for 10 months now. Before getting married, I would masturbate as a way of sexual release. However, during masturbation I would think up elaborate sex story plots and fantasies. I would never put a face to my characters, but I would still have these thoughts swirling in my mind. I learned to orgasm through these experiences. Now that I’m married, I’ve learned that it’s very difficult for me to orgasm through sex, and the only way I can, is if I think back on these stories I made up as a young adult. Even then it takes much longer to orgasm through sex then masturbation. I want to obey Paul’s command “whatever is true whatever is noble, what ever is right, whatever is pure, think about these things.” So, how do I change these sexual thoughts to my husband solely, and not these sexual fantasies? And by doing so, how do I train myself to orgasm without these thoughts as a crutch?”
First of all I want to point out that it is common for women to be able to orgasm more quickly through solo masturbation than through sexual intercourse. We know exactly what our bodies like and what it takes to get ourselves there. Some of us can bring ourselves to orgasm in 10 seconds flat. So the fact that it takes you longer to reach orgasm through intercourse is perfectly normal. It’s that way for most of us.
It sounds as though your body (and mind) has learned to associate orgasm with elaborate fantasies. You need the story plots and characters in order to climax. It sounds very much like a fetish. The fantasies you made up in the past became something that you used every time you masturbated, and so your body still needs them now in order to put you over the top. Don’t worry though. Even though it’s true that old habits die hard, it is very possible to break this chain!
You will need to re-wire your brain for sex. This isn’t something that is accomplished overnight, so be prepared to work at it. You said that in your fantasies you never put a face to your characters. That was great then, but have you thought about doing so now? Hear me out… If one of your elaborate fantasies involved being captured on a pirate’s ship, and held hostage out on the raging sea… then make it so that your wonderful husband is there too. Have him in your mind, dressed ragged, and coming to rescue you. He is the face you see. He is the one who sets you free and helps you to escape to the deserted island. He is the one who makes passionate love to you on the sand while waiting for a ship to take you back home. If one of your fantasies involved being sold into a harem (Maybe I’ve read too many romance novels? 😳 )… Then pretend that just before anything bad happens, a wonderful man befriends you and frees you from your captors. You two run away together and wed and spend an amazing night under the stars making love. Did you guess that this man was your husband?
Changing your fantasies to include your husband in them is a great place to start. If you can put your husband into your old fantasies, and “update them” so to speak, you will be making progress. It may take a while to get used to this idea, but don’t give up! Then, over time, you should be able to break free from those old fantasies and move forward to new ones that include your husband. You will already be use to seeing his face in your mind, so you will be able to create new fantasies of you and your darling hubby on the moon getting it on in a crater or something! 😀
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And you know what else helps? Actually thinking of some fantasies that you will be able to make come true! I had a fantasy for years of making love in a dressing room at the mall. When I finally told my husband, he helped me to make it happen…more than once! And now, sometimes when we are making love at home, my mind will drift back to that dressing room and I’ll see us in front of the mirror in that certain position we had to use on the stool in there. I’ll remember how we had to keep quiet so that we wouldn’t get caught. It really is such a turn on reminiscing on fantasies that have actually happened. Maybe you two could think of some nice fantasies you have that you could actually make come true? Then you would be able to keep your mind in the here and now instead of reverting to the past.
Once you have moved past the faceless characters, and replaced them with your husband. And after you have created new fantasies of you and him. The next step would be for you to be able to stop relying on fantasies period. Don’t get me wrong here. Having healthy fantasies of you and your husband is fine. But because of your past, I am worried that you are relying on them too much. You should eventually get to the point where you are able to just be with your husband and enjoy what he is doing to your body, without your mind escaping into fantasy world. It will help if you totally quit the solo masturbating. Let your body learn to respond to his touch. In the beginning it will be hard, and it may take a while before you are able to orgasm that way, but once your husband gets more experience with your body it will get easier. Show him what you like and what works for you. Relax and don’t put pressure on yourself to orgasm in the beginning. Just let him make you feel good, and if it isn’t enough to put you over the top then that’s okay…there is always next time. Eventually your body will start responding more and will let go of the need for fantasies.
You may find that you don’t need to go through all these steps, but I’ve tried to think of baby steps to get you to where you want to be, one small progression at a time. You will need patience and a strong determination to break free from your “crutch,” but it can be done. Don’t forget to pray. Yes, God does listen when we pray about our sex lives, so be honest with Him and ask Him to help you give this up. Ask Him to help you grow in intimacy with your husband, and to bless your marriage bed.
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Christian Nymphos 
Too much advice, too little understanding. It may be futile to attempt to unwire fantasies by making them into wholesome fantasies. Sex fantasies are always purely naughty, and the purely naughty is virtually always very sexually stimulating. It is the nature of sex! You might avoid it, but you will not undo it.
There are many things we absolutely reject (or would die if forced to do them) that make most arousing fantasies. They simply are not real. They are the stuff of masturbation, not of real life intimacy.
But when you cross the line into fantasizing about actual people like your coworkers, etc, that is where you are crossing a serious line. The difference? INTENTIONS OF THE HEART. Do NOT go there. And if you do, come in off that ledge.
flaviuslorenzo63,
Sex fantasies are not “always purely naughty.” And even when they are, it is possible to have “naughty” fantasies about your spouse. I always thought my fantasy of having sex in a dressing room was naughty. You aren’t supposed to do it! But we did and it was HOT!
You criticize me by saying that I’ve given too much advice and that I don’t understand the woman who wrote in. But what is your advice? You say:
It has been my experience through this blog, that people do not like to simply be told “you should not do that” or “you need to stop” or “turn away from that” etc. It’s very likely that they already know that, so how does that help them? The woman who wrote in said this:
She was asking for specific advice on how she could start to change her sexual thoughts and how she could learn to orgasm without those thoughts as a crutch. I don’t think it would have helped her much if I had just said: “You need to flee from naughty fantasies and concentrate on your husband.” This woman obviously already knows that and is asking for practical advice on how she can flee. Instead of telling her things that she has probably heard before, I tried to think outside the box and come up with some strategies that may or may not work for her, but at least I tried to be understanding to her situation and give her some things to think about.
I thought it was a great answer, cumingirl. 🙂
Cumingirl, I think you had some great suggestions.
I’d also like to suggest a book by the name of “Sacred Sex.” It does not specifically address this topic, but it does talk about the importance of how we think about sex. One of the things that he speaks of is the fact that sex really shouldn’t be primarily focused on self and orgasm for self. Sex is about serving your spouse and worshipping God. In the midst of experiencing that many times you will indeed have a wonderful sexual encounter, more so I would argue than if it was focused primarily on yourself.
Excellent post AND response cumingirl. Well, thought out and very practicle advice. Good job!
First off…in a dressing room!!! Where in the world do you find such a dressing room?!?
Don’t get me wrong…I love the idea!
Secondly, I love your advice on the adding your husband to your fantasy. Unfortunately for my my fantasies arent’ so vivid. I wish they were, I gotta say the pirate one sounds terribly hot! Although I do get awfully turned on when DH wears his new cowboy hat and his boots!
twoinlove, Just scout out your local malls and see what the dressing rooms look like in the department stores. You will want one where the door goes all the way to the floor.
Have fun with the new Cowboy hat! Maybe next time you could take it off him and wear it yourself!
I took my DH to Eddie Bauer’s and told him I wanted to see how his pants looked on him. They have nicely sized rooms and I was able to please him orally, which fulfilled a huge fantasy for him, and as I am not usually a swallower, he got the added bennie of that, as what are you going to do with it in a dressing room? He was totally surprised, amazed and happy with his obviously wonderful choice in a spouse… ;D
I didn’t mean to insult you, beloved cumingirl, honestly. I think you are very smart, and it was clumsy of me.
I didn’t mean that ADVICE is bad, or that YOUR advice was bad. I think the question-asker would realize that I was stating an opinion. There is a big difference between picturing Brad Pitt’s face when you’re petting your kitty versus realistically fantasizing about having an affair with your cute boss who happens to have a crush on you anyway. I would never be shy about that opinion in any conversational context where people are expected to share their thoughts. And this is a discussion forum after all.
My point was this:
(A.) I do not think that you can come up with a fantasy for another person that will substitute for the fantasy that springs out of the primitive part of their libido. Nor can they just baptize their wild fantasy by putting their husband’s face on the “pirate” in their imagination.
(B.) I do not think people should panic if her secret masturbation fantasies are things which, if pursued in real life, would be sinful. Arousal fantasies are, almost by definition, comprised of grossly outrageous and primitive behaviors, or even victimization, that sane persons would not actually want to pursue.
My mind is wired somewhat like the original question-poster. My arousal-fantasies scarcely have faces or even bodies. They generally couldn’t even be called scenarios or stories. More just a patchwork of vague impressions from who-knonws-where. Very impersonal. Just random feelings about being sexually desirable.
f63, Point “A” is your opinion and I will just respectfully disagree with you. Then you say: “(B.) I do not think people should panic if her secret masturbation fantasies are things which, if pursued in real life, would be sinful.”
God does care about what is in our minds and hearts. He does care about what we are thinking about. We should not hold on to secret masturbation fantasies that, if carried out in real life, would be sinful. Paul tells us in Philippians 4: “8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” And then in Matthew 5 we are told: “ 27″You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
It doesn’t matter if you are thinking of a co-worker or Brad Pitt, fantasizing about anyone other than your spouse is sinful in nature. How can you deepen the level of intimacy you have with your spouse, when you shut him/her out of your mind, and in fact replace him/her with another’s image, when you make love or masturbate? In what way does that bring you closer together?
You say that your arousal fantasies are like the original poster, but I don’t see that as the case. This woman says her fantasies are elaborate plots with characters that just have no specific face. That sounds different to me than your description of “just a patchwork of vague impressions from who-knows-where. Very impersonal. Just random feelings…”
Thanks for the lady that was brave enough to explain her problem. I have had that same issue and have repented of it. Gods grace covers our sin but when it is a habit we have to repent of it. I’m thankful that i found the site b/c i was able to get sound advice and know that i’m not the only one that has had this problem. I have not masturbated in a year and proud of it. I have been denying the fantasy world but it is hard not to wander. I have replaced my husband in these fantasy but recently I have repented of the fantasy world. I only want it to be between us. I do agree that prayer for you and my husbands sexually life helps. Putting His thoughts about marriage before my fantasies gloryfy Him. I”m still a work in progress. Thanks for your time.
Thanks for this article. I’ve been married for almost 6 years and have struggled against fantasies. I love romance novels and even soft erotica. But God has called me on the carpet and is dealing with my actions. I read, “Every Woman’s Battle.” in it was a case against masturbation because it take the husband out of the lovemaking. In my fantasies, I never had faces, just acts. Since I read EWB I’ve been trying to focus on my husband and less on the fantasies.
I like to write so I put in writing a fantasy while he was deployed. He wrote me back a chapter 2. We wrote our own version of the story or additions. When he came home we had the best time! Since then I’ve tried to keep him in the story/fantasies. And the more I put him in it, the less I need the fantasy to get orgasm. Maybe the last few seconds. And it is my husband’s face I see to finish me off.
While reading the article and the comments I realized I have never swallowed my husband’s cum. He has asked me to before, and when he asked if I did or not all I could do was smile at him, and when I began to tell him I didn’t he was estatic thinking that I did. I do want to swallow his cum, but I’m afraid it might make me gag or chocke. How can I swallow his cum? I really want to.
Here is an article that addresses that very thing: Drinking Him Down
iv never masturbated and fantasized like that. masturbation for me now is just for sexual release. helps me go to sleep too
I masturbated and fantasised to get arousal from the age of 12. It affected my marriage in an extremely negative way. I denied that my fantasising was a sexual sin and justified my actions by stating that the only way I could get an orgasm was by fantasising. I had been fighting this sin for 35 years. I don’t know if there are good or bad fantasies – all I know is that God said “NO”. Two weeks ago God convicted me that my fantasising was a sin. It affected my intimacy with my husband because my mind was off somewhere else concentrating on thinking up some story to arouse me rather than focussing on him. Not having intimacy affected my marriage. Everything I wanted from marriage was not happening because my husband did not feel close to me. He felt he couldn’t fully trust me. I finally confessed my sin to God. My husband thought that it would take a long time to “break” the habit because it was a habitual sin. But God is so good. I have not only been released of the burden of that sin but I have no desire whatsoever to fantasise. That very night I had an earth-shattering orgasm. The orgasms I had from my own efforts were just a release of “something”. I knew that there was more – I felt that I wasn’t quite getting the whole thing but I just thought I wasn’t wired right or that I just had to make do with at least something. God has proven his forgiveness by blessing me with orgasms that are now so intense that I go into uncontrollable spasms and then gut-wrenching “screaming”. Not high pitched but from the belly as if in pain but totally not in my control. I’m not in pain except for the strain on my throat just before I have to start using my vocal chords. I also ejaculate. The first time when I saw the bed wet I thought I had sweat a lot but then I read about ejaculation. It’s happened every time since and I can actually feel it come out now. The orgasm is almost secondary now compared to the intimacy I now have with my husband. My sin was causing negativity toward my husband and negativity toward sex. That’s now all gone. After sex my husband and I can’t stop talking about the amazing experience we’ve just had. We now laugh at Hollywood’s feeble attempt at portraying orgasms!!!! We thought we’d never get what they had – now I know I’m way, way, way beyond what they supposedly had. I’m a changed woman. My husband and I are now truly one flesh. Thank God.
My comment has nothing to do with fantasy…..i like the dressing room idea as a fantasy but if i was in a dressing room with my kid or something and the people next to me were gettin in on…i would be a little upset…Fantasy is one thing but going to jail or getting a ticket or even the embarrassment of getting caught for doing something very private very publicly is not worth. The idea gets me excited enough but doin the do in the dressing room is inappropriate and doesnt really sound like something Christians do.
I love this website though and it has answered many many questions for me….Keep up the good work!
Since writing the article on getting it on in the dressing room, my husband & I have done it about 3 or 4 more times. Every time we have done it we have chose a dressing room in the adult section that isn’t the “main” one, ya kwim? At our mall there is a MAIN dressing room for the ladies dept. and then there is one that is waaaaay out of the way over in the older women dept. that is always empty. That is the one we frequent. It has been empty every single time, and even if someone happened to come into the dressing room they wouldn’t hear anything because this particular dept. store plays music over their loud speakers in there. Believe me when I say that I have done my homework. There is no way that I would try something like this where I thought there would be a good chance of children hearing us.
I know that this isn’t for everyone, but it’s our ‘thang’ 😆
maybe not a sin but probably not the smartest thing to do. i have a brother who supervises security nationally for a big mall store and he tells me these dressing rooms are almost always monitored for security. Two way mirrors, cameras etc. You never know when people could be enjoying a show at your expense.
Is it sin to masturbate thinking of your husband while he’s not home?
Probably not, unless it reduces your drive so that you don’t want him when he IS home.
So thankful I have found this site…I was an early masturbater…12 or so and never really stopped…was so happy I’d “saved” myself for marriage when I married young…never ever had a pleasurable sex life with my husband. He left our daughter and I when she was one…she’ll be five this summer. Since our divorce God has blessed me with the most amazing man ever and I’ve rarely if ever masturbated since marrying him because he wanted to teach me the pleasures of sex…and wowzers let me tell you it’s so much better than I’d ever thought as a young girl, teenager or during my first marriage…he’s taken me to new heights…and I do find myself daydreaming of him and what he does to me this summer as I’ve a lot of free time on my hands…glad to know others opinion on masturbation with husband starring in the fantasy or memory…and about open communication…thanks ladies for this site! Can’t wait to read more and learn how to enhance hubby’s experience since he’s so giving to me:)
I´ve always had a habbit of masturbating, that started at a very young age when my female cousin touched my intimate parts. That didn’t last very long thank God. At the age of 14 a found a book which I began to read about women´s sexual fantasies that took me to my first orgasam. Both experiences clearly marked life because they both involved other women and not men. Even though it never passed to anything other then just mental thoughts. Today thank God I´m a happily married women. It is very difficult for me to get sexually aroused by my husband. Please help.
I agree with Cinnamonsticks, and would add that maybe you should ask your husband how he feels about it? I would say if it doesn’t bother him, and if you would also feel comfortable with him being free to masturbate while thinking of you when he is alone, then you’re good!
Thanks for asking that. lately I’ve been wondering the same thing. my husband is in military boot camp and before he left he wanted to make sure I knew that he didn’t think it was wrong as long as i was thinking of him (we are recently married and he knew that expecially before we got married, since i was about 13, i’d struggled with mastrubation). He knows that i’m fine with him mastrubating while he’s gone too. so right now it seems the best way to handle him being gone. (plus its kind of fun imagining what it will be like to be together after 2 months :D)
Let me tell you as a long time military wife who has been through many many TDY and deployments that reunion sex is the best sex EVER!!! Almost makes the separation worth it.
Easy way to check the two way mirrors is to stick your nail on the mirror and if you do not see a gap between the nail and the image, then just use it as a dressing room. I like the idea of having sex in the dressing room though. People outside and activity inside 😉
hi help me:)
I think the way we work is conditioned by our habits. I have experienced the fantasy side of things that you speak about, whilst I never practiced I had an experience with another girl when I was 14. So.. what I would encourage you to do, would be foreplay get things to the point where you think that you can’t take any more and then start sex. So like tease each other with words, thoughts, texts, phone calls touches during the day give him permission to tell you what he thinks about you, what he wants to do to you. Be honest with him and ask him to create new fantasies for you. Even writing them down in a blog or something could help. It is a habit that you have formed and it will take time to realign your thoughts and habits. But it is possible. I used to struggle a lot more but now my husband is dominating my fantasies.
Kerry
How do you handle this situation when your husband actually wants you to have the fantasies and tell them to him while you masturbate? We have done this sort of thing for so long that we no longer know how to be intimate. it’s just sex, sex, sex. kinky and wild sex. I cannot remember the last time we kissed or touched in a nonsexual way (except for the peck on the lips before leaving for work) He doesn’t want me to touch him and he only wants to touch me sexually. It’s like I’m his own personal porno star and I’m tired of it. I want to be a wife. I want to be cuddled and kissed. I don’t want to think about other men/women while I masturbate, much less tell him about it.
If I try to talk to him about this, he gets very defensive and hurt. He thinks we have a wonderful sex life–I guess he does.
And I feel trapped between keeping my mind clean and being submissive to my husband at the same time.
Any advice would be appreciated.
i’d like to add a ‘ditto’ to molly’s comment!! well done
i’ve been married for 13 years. my husband has never really had an interest in sex, or me in that way. it makes me sad. i do love him. we’ve been to counseling together and it was a big joke to him. going to counseling over the past few years alone has actually helped us both. i recently began masturbating because i feel like i need the release and desperately need to feel like a woman. i’m not big into fantasy but i do fantasize about my husband wanting me. i worry that i’m a freak for my normal desires. this site makes me feel like there is hope. thanks.
Wow Julie, I LOVE your testimony!! After 12 yrs of sexual molestation, 3yrs of addictive masturbation and 10 yrs of marriage (all in that order ) I’m finally starting to see the true blessing of sex God’s way in my marital bed. I’ve only felt secure enough to seek counselin 4 times in my entire life so for the majority of it, my healing and recovery has been just me and God. Just today I got a huge revelation on the standards I should have in place or markers that confirm my convictions so to say and that is …my daughters.
First I pray that my little girls will want to come to me for sexual advice when they get older. Rare chance – I know but anything is possible withGod! I want to share with them the wisdom God has given me as He’s totally given me ” beauty for ashes ” in my sexuality. In my private recovery with God I would so wish I had someone to just blatantly ask ” as a Christian wife, should I do this or that or even crave to do this or that “?
Anyway, when it comes to fantasy, my conviction is that the marriage bed is a safe haven for you and your husband to be just transparent YOU. stretch marks, saggy boobs and all. There your husband accepts you as you are like Christ accepts us at the alter and we are beautiful to Him and irresistible. Also just like the altar we encounter our beloved Lord and are refreshed and rejuvenated from the encounter with Him which sends us back out into the world impacted. So it is with our marriage bed. I would want my daughters to have a sex life that up lifts and reaffirms them as the apple of their husband’s eye thus sending them back into the world confident that they are truly enough to be captivating. If they are busy being someone other than “themselves ” in their marriage bed to make their husband’s happy then they’ve missed the whole point of the marriage bed and sex, I believe.
I truly thank God for this site because here my private recovery just flourishes and Jill, thank you for sharing because it encourages me to have faith in a full and amazing recovery completely! I too have been believing God for outrageous orgasms. 😉
Ouch, you do sound a bit trapped. First are you guys saved? I mean is Jesus Lord of your Life? Every area of your life? Do you guys read your bible and pray together regularly? Are you guys attending a church regularly? If so sounds like you need to seek some couples counseling from the local church you attend, in the very least have them recommend a reliable outside source. But before I’d do that I’d read Sacred Sex with him. Do a study of the book with him.
If none of the above is true or possible then you’ve really have your work cut out for you. Either way you are going to have to step it up yourself and do some serious diving in the word & praying for change to take place. Also you sound like you might need to do a study on what it truly means to be submissive; I think you might have an incorrect definition of what God means for a wife to be submissive. Your relationship and closeness with Jesus comes first and is foremost in all things even before your marriage.
Again if none of the first paragraph is true, then from a practical view you can begin by making the fantasies be about only the two of you. Refuse to give in on this. You will still need to be open to tell him about what you are thinking (my husband is the same way) but plan (prewrite) it out ahead so you can work a little magic weaving your own needs and desires into a clean mental picture for him. Work the cuddling, the sweetness, the kissing into your story. Get creative with it. You know the saying, “Where there is a will there is a way.” And I know there is a WAY with God, always!
As far as the wild and kinky part of it all, I am not sure what all takes place but my husband and I are some of the kinkiest monogamous people I know. We do about everything I can imagine in my little ole brain while keeping it clean and we have loads of fun. And yes I get my sweet cuddle time as well. As far as kissing, THAT is what gets me hot sexually and to the point where I want to do all the other stuff. But that’s me. I don’t know you might find the same to be true for you. Don’t begin all the other until you’ve gotten your kissing in first.
From what I read he wants you to tell him about sex with others. That is a clear one; delete that from your story line. Others here may not agree with me on this but you might have to substitute it with something creative like having sex with clones of him or something as sort of a meeting in the middle. I’m just throwing out ideas if nothing in the first paragraph is true.
There are some great studies in this web site that can help you and certainly some good insights on God’s view of the role of a wife. Do a search here, do some reading, and spend some time talking to God about it all. Ask him to show you the path to take, he will.
Let us know how it has been going since February.
Wow – this has been somethings we both have had to do a lot lately. Life was so busy we never saw each other and so we used fantasy about one another to mb while we were apart. It helped us through a lot of alone times keeping a connection there that I think we would have lost otherwise. We wrote them down, video taped them, described them to one another, and kept each other hot. When we did get together electricity was everywhere, the sex was amazing! My husband said the hardest part was getting private alone time to do it (he travels with my brother in law for work) but that it was so worth the effort. He loved my stories and the videos where hot!
You are NOT a freak.
You are a wonderful child of God with wonderful desires he placed inside of you.
I’ll be praying for you guys.
On a practical note, sounds like your husband might needs a knot jerked out of him. I have seen God do it in the lives of men in our family but it always started with their wife getting on her knees daily and letting God do a mighty work in her. You’ll be amazed how God will humble both of you and bring you wonderfully to his throne together.