Q&A: Sex In a Godless Marriage

We recently received the following email from a reader of our blog:

I am writing to you because your website has got me thinking.  I am an atheist, married to another atheist.  I look at pornography for fun from time to time and often fantasize about other women, even though I love my wife a great deal.  Our sex life is not very good, and I am beginning to think its because we are godless and not really meant for one another.  Note that I do not believe in god, I just recognize that something is missing. I don’t know how else to put this, so I’ll just say it.  Even though I don’t believe in god, I am envious of strong Christians and the love, intimacy, and happiness they feel on a regular basis.  Your website has reminded me even further that when it comes to matters of the heart, I am seeing in black and white and Christians get to see in 3D color. I envy your passionate connection to your god and to one another.  Unfortunately, reason prevents me from believing unfounded supernatural stories, but I acknowledge that since becoming an atheist years ago, my life has felt… thin, almost hollow. I miss Jesus.  Almost enough to resume pretending he’s real.  Almost.  Life without Jesus is awful, but at least its realistic.

First of all, I want to say that this is a safe place for anyone to read, irregardless of whether or not they believe in God. The message from us is that WE believe in One True God and that living under His authority and living as closely as we can to His standard of conduct, sexually or otherwise, will result in the greatest blessing on earth. We are presenting a sexual lifestyle which we believe allows for the deepest intimacy and the most pleasure, and it is completely connected to our spirituality. If you do not believe in God, but you like our message, stick around and just apply what you can, when you can. We are not asking you to mindlessly submit our belief system for your own. We are just presenting ours and asking you to think about it.

I am curious what would happen if someone who did not believe in God, lived according to a sexually Biblical standard anyway. Take God out of the equation and live a monogamous sexual relationship with your spouse, avoiding pornography and extramarital sex, serving one another in love. Would your relationship be better? I believe that having God in the equation makes a huge difference, but I wonder if even just living a lifestyle according to Biblical principles would have a positive effect on your relationship.

I am curious how it is that you see that strong Christians live in color and that you are missing out on something that you had before, but you don’t see that God is the one who does this work. If people could create the passion and color on their own, couldn’t you create it without God? You say that you don’t have any evidence of God’s supernatural power, but this 3D color you speak of can only come from Him. I am as sinful in my nature as you are. The color in my life doesn’t come from how I behave. If it did, I would loose the color when I sin. Rather, the times I have been tempted, for example, to look at pornography and have gone to these spice girls to help me overcome, the color comes from seeing God bring life to their encouragement and enable me to resist temptation. Or when I have actually fallen and I repent to my husband and I say to my Church family that despite myself, God is doing a work in me to make me like Jesus, the color comes from God in me.

And, by the way, there is no reason for you not to see with your own eyes the supernatural work of God. He is doing amazing things on the earth these days. Of course, if you actually wish not to believe in Him it is easy to say that you think other things influenced the miracles He is doing. That the person who was raised from the dead, wasn’t actually dead. That the person who had cancer before they received prayer, but the next day the doctor said they didn’t have it anymore just happened to get better. That it was just a coincidence that the woman who heard in church that God healed someone of severe clubbed feet and had a daughter with the same condition in the nursery said “I’ll take that testimony for my daughter.” Then when she went to pick up her daughter after church, she saw that her daughter’s feet were completely normal. God healed the girl’s feet at the moment that the woman heard the same testimony from someone else and appropriated it in faith for herself. These are real testimonies that I have heard. It’s the color, and the color you speak of is God at work in His people. We can not create color on our own.

Another thing about the color is that I have seen that the more someone submits themselves to God in faith, the more the color becomes vibrant. And yes, it does take faith, but as we step out in faith, God meets us there. There is no reason for you not to have God show Himself to you if walk towards Him. It takes just as much faith to believe that the world came to be accidentally, little by little and have no explanation for what happened in the very beginning as it does to believe that a Creator wanted to have relationship with something and so created mankind. If it could all be proved without faith, we wouldn’t get to choose Him, and He wanted His creation to choose to have relationship with Him. So He arranged it that He would call us in our spirits to make us like Him, and that we would get to choose to say yes or no to the call. For more information on the process of saying yes to His call, please visit this link.

So when you read here, know that our conviction is that making God part of the equation in a healthy and vibrant sex life, is a core value we hold. We have all dedicated our lives to living for God and we serve Him above everything else in life. If you do not hold the same views we have, we still welcome you to be part of this community. As long as people are respectful, we are happy to have anyone participate in the discussions in the comment sections.

Q&A: Oral Sex and TMJ

“I am a newlywed, and my husband and I are not at all uncomfortable with the concept of oral sex. I fully enjoy it when he does it to me (of course!) but when I give him oral I get physically uncomfortable very fast! My jaw hurts a lot if I do it for too long (I have mild TMJ, and sometimes my jaw will also start to “click”), and the only way I can keep going until he comes is by focusing on something entirely different, which of course isn’t really very romantic. Any pointers?”

I was diagnosed with TMJ at the age of 17, when I had my wisdom teeth cut out.  As I recall, it was worse back then and has gotten better through the years.  Back then I was told to give up gum and hard candies and to eat slowly in small bites, or else I would be facing surgery.  Since then, I have had some small issues with it whenever I have to visit the dentist and keep my mouth open wide for long periods of time.  I’m always sore afterwards.  But the biggest nuisance that I’ve had with my TMJ revolves around oral sex too.

This link is rather interesting.  It says that 90% of people who seek treatment for TMJ are women, and that there may be a correlation between sex hormones and pain.  Apparently women who are on hormone-replacement therapy OR birth control pills are more likely to seek treatment.  This same site gives many other symptoms that can be caused by TMJ and some suggestions for seeking help.

I know all too well how TMJ can interfere with giving oral sex.  The popping, clicking, and grinding sounds made by your jaw are not the most erotic things to hear.  There is also the fear of it “locking up” on you while you are doing the deed!  Then comes the pain.  It gets so very sore when you aren’t able to take a break or stop.  But when you are pleasuring your husband that way, you really don’t want to have to stop because it’s important to you to finish him! (Or is that just me?)  For those of you out there with TMJ issues, here are some things to keep in mind that may help.

On days you plan to give him oral sex (as if we wake up planning it, lol), take extra precautions to not overwork your jaw.  Take a pass on that large sucker or hard candy.  Don’t chew gum or eat crunchy foods in excess.  Use small bites when you eat, and cut your food up if it helps.  Yeah, I know that trying to “plan” oral sex is hard to do.  It may be a good idea to just try to do these things daily anyway, especially if you have a severe case.  Oh, and if you are supposed to be wearing a mouth guard at night, don’t forget to do so!

Limit how much of him you take in.  Trying to engulf his entire member, or deep throat him, may make things worse.

Use your hands more.  Lube up your entire hand and then wrap it around his penis.  Then try to focus your tongue on his frenulum while your hand is doing the pumping up and down.  His frenulum is very sensitive.  You can have your tongue going up and down or left and right on it, and you don’t have to worry about opening your mouth wide.  You can just give your hubby a seductive grin as you make eye contact with him.

If your jaw is really hurting, then you could change things up and focus your oral attentions on his testicles, while you are giving him a hand job.  Or, you can totally use this as an opportunity to learn some different techniques for hand jobs!

You could also try having intercourse first, and when your husband knows he is getting close to climax, you change positions and give him oral sex to finish him.  That way, your vagina does most of the work for you, but your husband still gets to experience your mouth on him.

Having TMJ is frustrating, and it does take some creative thinking for us gals to be able to overcome this obstacle.  Some women with severe cases aren’t able to give oral sex at all.  I’m sure your husband will understand if you need to try some of the above suggestions.  He doesn’t want you in pain while you are trying to give him pleasure.  Talk to him about it and see what you two can work out together.

Hannah: A lesson in trusting the Lord

As you read through some of the stories that appear in the Bible studies I have chosen, some of the women had one thing in common…their inability to conceive a child.   It was considered to be a disgrace if you could not bear your husband children to carry on his name.   Some of the biggest names in the bible were barren.  I touched on Sarah, Rachel, and Elizabeth in earlier articles.

But this study focuses on a woman who I truly love in the Bible, Hannah.    I always felt for Hannah.  Year after year, she, her husband Elkanah and his other wife, Peninnah (and her sons) went up to Shiloh to give offerings to the Lord.  Year after year, Peninnah would give poor Hannah so much grief that she had no children, that it would cause her so much heartbreak, that she would only cry and cry and not eat.   And her husband, bless his heart, tried to assuage her grief.  He gave her double portions of meat because he loved her so dearly.  But he really didn’t understand that giving her things wouldn’t  make up for what she was missing.  A child.   Have you ever experienced that?  Thinking that you can fill the hole in your heart with things?  But it never really helps make you feel any better?  You just have more stuff?  And the Bible tells us several times that God had closed her womb, so we can’t even blame her childlessness on Satan.

So this year, like every other she went up to Shiloh to give offerings to the Lord, but this year, she did something different.   Listen to her prayer in 1 Samuel 1:11 “  O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”    She trusted in the Lord enough to lay her pain out solely to Him, the great Healer.   She wanted HIM to heal her wounds.  She knew that nothing or nobody could replace the hole in her heart like the Lord.

She prayed so much that the temple priest, Eli, thought she was drunk.  But she assured him that she was not drunk, but that she was deeply troubled and pouring her soul out to the Lord.   Eli blessed her and sent her on her way.   When she went back home, she slept with her husband, the Lord remembered Hannah and opened her womb, and she conceived a son.

Notice one thing that is different from Sarah and Rachel.   Hannah (like Elizabeth) didn’t take things into her own hands.   She left them in God’s hands.  And she let God fill the missing hole in her life.   She trusted that God’s will would be done, and if he saw fit that she would have a child, that she would.   I strive to be so much like her.  I do have children, but I don’t have a really nice new car.  You want in on a secret….I don’t want one if God doesn’t want me to have one.   If it is God’s will that I have something like that, then I will.  In the meantime, I won’t be filling my driveway with new cars every 3 years or when a lease runs out.   I am satisfied with my 22 year old Crown Vic in my driveway.   It runs and it fills a need that I have.

Do you ever have that feeling like there is something missing in your life, and you’ve been trying to fill that hole with stuff?  It still doesn’t feel better at all, does it?   Go to the Lord and let the Lord bless you with gifts from him.   Let him fill your emptiness, like Hannah did.  She had her son, weaned him and gave him back to the Lord, just like she promised.    In those years that she didn’t have a child, she still praised God for what she had.  Have you done that recently?  Thanked God for what you have instead of grumbled about what you don’t have?   Seek God and he will bless your lives with more than you can imagine.   Will you give him that chance?

Monday’s Mission #36

This week’s mission does not require any props or use of money.  You will need something far more valuable.  Some refer to it as time, while others call it attention.  I call it common courtesy.  Make your husband feel special.  If a friend comes over we are quick to make eye contact and give them our full attention but when our husbands walk through the door they barely get a glance up from the dishes while we mumble a hello.  Tonight, when he walks through the door, drop whatever it is you are doing and give him your attention.  If he isn’t big into talking then tell him how much you appreciate him and all he does for you and your family.

Position #44 : Praying Position

If your husband loves it when you touch his taint, the smooth area between his testicles and his anus, then try this with him. It is actually a position to put him in which results in a higher degree of sensitivity in that area. A position he gets in for a hand job essentially. How you position yourself can vary.

Your husband should get on his hands and knees with his legs spread apart about a foot. Then he needs to lower his upper body at whatever degree is comfortable. This will cause gravity to draw his sack away from its usual position resulting in the skin tightening over his taint. You can then give his taint attention as well as his penis and anus at whatever level you are both comfortable with. It is very effective stimulation.

You can position yourself behind him which allows you to access the area easily and his head can be lowered, resting on a pillow. Another option is for you to being laying on your back with him resting his head on your stomach and you can reach around and stroke his taint that way.

I do not mean to use the following picture disrespectfully since the man is praying, but it is the most modest picture I could find that accurately portrays the position I am describing.

So you can start him off like this and then having him lower or raise his backside depending on what feels good.

If you haven’t tried this, give it a try soon. See if it is something your husband enjoys.

Matter of Taste?

I am newly married and would like to allow my husband to perform oral sex on me (He’s been wanting it for a while now)…;)
I have some uncomfortable odors down there. So, what oils, edible things can I put on me down there so that he can eat me up?
I have thought of honey (real local honey), to put down there, but I am not sure about the health side of it.
What do you suggest I put inside of me so he can “ENJOY” tasting me?

 

 

Has he stated that your odors are bothersome or are you the one who is primarily concerned about it?  Most men do not mind a woman’s scent or taste.  Certain pheromones that have a big impact on the opposite sex are found in this area.  A strong foul scent could be a sign for some sort of infection.  Your husband would probably not be too eager to perform oral sex if this were the case.

 

If you still feel more comfortable putting something edible down there I would not recommend honey.  Anything with sugar can throw your natural ph balance off causing a yeast infection.  If you are using latex and are planning on engaging in intercourse after oral, you should stay away from oils.  Oil can break latex down so in this instance, condoms would not be reliable. 

 

Some sites offer special scented and flavored lubes that are sugar free, such as “ID Flavored Lubricant” from Book 22 or “Sex Tart Lubes” from Pure Bed. I suggest you simply take a shower before so that you can put your mind at ease about any discouraging scents.  If your husband does in fact have an issue with your smell or taste then you could look into the flavored lubes but let him decide for himself.  Here is an article pertaining to cunnilingus, Pleasing Your Wife.  It is more about techniques but we also talk about extra precautions you can take if you have a bothersome scent.  Like I said earlier, let your husband decide for himself.  I doubt you will need to take those extra precautions.  Just sit back and enjoy!!

Sexy Photo Shoot

“I have been wanting to do some sexy pictures for my husband, but I am not very creative. I would like some ideas for positions and things I can do at home with the timer on our digital camera. I don’t know if any of you have any experience with this, but I would love some tips! (Seems like it might make a great article as well!)”

What a great topic! We already have one article on here that is a great introduction to this called: Camera Shy? I encourage you all to read that one first and then come back to this one. I have a lot of experience making my own homemade movies and pictures for my husband, so I’m going to give you some tips to remember when you are saying cheese!

Prepare your background. This is for both movies and still pics. If you are using the bed as your background then make it up! Throw on some accent pillows or rose petals to make it look nice. If you have satin or silk sheets, then you may want to remove your comforter so that you can show them off! If you are outside, think about what props you could use or what you want in your background.

Use plenty of light! I cannot stress this one enough. I know that in person, candlelight is soft and romantic and great for setting a mood, but for pictures and movies you will need bright light. If you try to use candles or low light, then the picture will just end up dark and your husband will be squinting to try and make it out. Turn on your 60-watt overhead lights, turn on that spotlight on your camcorder, or go outside and use the sunlight! You may feel a little uncomfortable with it at first, but I guarantee you that your pictures and movies will turn out so much better this way.

Watch out for shadowing. Sometimes you may move into a position that will actually shadow parts of you that you are trying to get seen. Overhead lights are sometimes the culprits for this. To help, use the spotlight on your video camera or get a couple of flashlights and position them to shine directly on you.

Decide on positions beforehand. Think about what it is that you want to show. If you need help, then grab up some magazines or even check out the latest album covers! Look at the different poses that today’s stars are striking and think about how you could incorporate that into your photo shoot. What is your best asset? What feature of yours is your husband’s favorite? Is he a boob man or a butt guy? Whatever it is, try to think of ways you can flaunt the parts that you know really get to him!

Decide on costumes and props beforehand. Is this going to be a nude shoot? Will you need lingerie? What heels/boots will you wear with it, or will you be barefoot? Do you need jewelry? For videos, do you want music playing in the background? If so are you thinking slow and steamy or fast and erotic?

Apply more make-up than normal. The camera (especially video camera) doesn’t pick up on make-up real well, unless you are going for a close up face shot. I’m assuming here that you are not. If you are going for a zoomed out full body shot, then applying your make-up a little darker than you normally do will help it to show up better. Fingernail and toenail polish are also a nice touch!

Think about using black and white. If you are only interested in doing sensual photographs (and not X-rated ones), then play around with black and white pics. Sometimes black and white pictures can be sexy in a more subtle way.

Don’t smile too big! If you are going for sexy then you want a minimal smile. Use your eyes to convey what you want from him more so than your smile. Sometimes your tongue can be used as well. Think about sucking on your finger, a lollipop or a pop sickle!

Show him your booty! It doesn’t matter if you are shooting still pics or a video, your husband will love seeing your rear. For X-rated pics I suggest you stand up and bend over as if you dropped something. Another really good one is to get on all fours (doggie style) and then turn your head to look back at the camera. This will give your husband the visual of taking you from behind, and also the sexy eye contact. I suggest incorporating these same poses if you are making a video for him.

Talk to him! Of course this one is for videos only. If you are daring enough to make an X-rated video of yourself masturbating or striking sexy poses for your husband, then please add some sound to it! Ooooooo and Aaaahhhhhh and moan and groan. Say things like “Oh this feels sooooooo good” and “I wish you were here right now to ________.”

Use lube. This is if you are going for explicit and graphic shots or videos of yourself. Applying coconut oil (or your lube of choice) will help your body to glisten. Rub it all over your breasts and then stand in front of a mirror and look at how hot you look! Your husband will want to glide his hands all over you! For close up shots of your labia, make sure that you have her all lubed up too.

Tell him a story. This is an idea for a video. Make up a sexy story of the two of you on a beach somewhere, or out in your backyard, or on the hood of your car in the garage. Touch yourself while you tell him the story. Use a low sultry sexy voice and speak slowly. Maybe you could be removing clothes while you are telling the story.  Or describe to him a fantasy you have of the two of you. Something that you’d like to see come true sometime.

Incorporate toys! This is for those of you who have husbands that like them. If your husband likes seeing a toy disappearing into your vagina, then use that idea in your photos or video! Don’t have any toys? Well, you could always go pick up a cucumber at the grocery store!

If embarrassment is an issue, then crop out your face. This can help particularly with shooting a video too. If you have an idea that you want to do, but you are feeling a little iffy about your facial expressions and you aren’t sure how it will turn out, then just zoom in to your body where the action will be taking place and leave your face out of it. That way you won’t have to worry about what goofy expression you may have on your face. (Yes, I’ve done this.)

Use the shower! Take a shower and get lathered up real good in all the right parts. Then have your camera already set up on a tripod just outside the stall. Reach out and mash the button for the timer and snap some pics of yourself clothed in nothing but suds and bubbles! (Don’t forget to give him a hinny shot in the shower!)

These are just some suggestions I have and some of the above may not apply to every person or situation. I think it is wonderful that you are planning on using your digital camera like this! Hopefully others will leave more ideas in the comment box.

Related Articles:  Camera Shy?Boudoir Photos

Q&A: What About Sodomy?

We recently received the following email:

My wife and I love one another and love the Lord, and want a fulfilling love life that’s pleasing to ourselves and to Him.  With so little info we’ve struggled with what is OK sexually within our marriage. Particularly with respect to anal sex, your site indicates that the scripture does not speak to this between a married man and woman.  If I look up “sodomy” in the dictionary it appears to address all anal intercourse, regardless of whether man/man or man/woman. When the scripture talks about sodomy, how do we know whether it limiting to man/man or extends to man/woman?  any input on this area would be greatly appreciated!

What a great question and we knew just the person to ask when the CN spice girls and I said “If only we knew of a pastor who had deep Biblical understanding regarding this question.” Sugar & Spice’s husband! So rather than attempt to answer it ourselves, I asked him if he would be so kind as to lend us his knowledge on this topic. To our delight he said yes and having already done an in depth Biblical study on this, he offered us the results of his study for this article. Our thanks to him for his lending us his expertise. Here are his findings:

Abraham was camped near an oak grove when three men appeared to him in Genesis 18. One of the men was God who stayed with Abraham while the two other men (“angels” according to Gen 19:1) proceeded to Sodom. In Sodom they met Lot who prepared them a meal at his home. That evening the men of Sodom surrounded the house and wanted Lot to bring out the men in the house so they could have sex with them. Lot refused and the men were struck blind by the angels. Then the angels told Lot that they needed to escape because God was going to destroy Sodom.

This is our knowledge of Sodom and the picture we see is a group of homosexuals trying to rape two men. It is believed by many that since homosexual men engage in anal sex then anal sex must be a sin. However, there is no Biblical evidence to back up this claim that anal sex between a married heterosexual couple is wrong. Many people feel that the Bible condemns sodomy but it does not. The word “sodomy” doesn’t even appear in scripture. Sodomy is a legal term that varies from state to state but typically includes legally forbidden acts such as anal sex, oral sex, and bestiality.

What were the sins of Sodom? Certainly homosexuality was one of them by looking at the whole council of scripture (Romans 1:26-27) but what else does the Bible say about Sodom and its sin?

Ezekiel 16:48-50
“As I live,” declares the Lord God, “Sodom, your sister and her daughters have not done as you and your daughters have done. Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had arrogance, abundant food and careless ease, but she did not help the poor and needy. Thus they were haughty and committed abominations before Me. Therefore I removed them when I saw it.”

From Genesis we see that homosexuality was a sin of Sodom but according to the above passage, there was much more to the story. It seems that their sexual perversion was one of many sins. God destroyed Sodom because:

  • Arrogance
  • Abundant food and careless ease
  • Not assisting the poor and needy


So how are we to define sodomy biblically? If Sodom was guilty of the above sins as scripture teaches, then a Sodomite could be defined as anyone who doesn’t help someone in need and is arrogant. If you have plenty but your neighbor does not and you fail to act, you are also committing sodomy!

So to the question: “Is sodomy a sin?”  According to the Bible verses stated above, the acts of the people of Sodom were indeed sinful and we too would be sinning if we behaved in the same manner.  But, is anal sex between a man and wife equivalent to today’s standard definition of sodomy?  I would have to say, according to the Bible, no. It is true that homosexual men engage in anal sex but it is also true that they engage in oral sex. They also hold hands and kiss one another. Does the fact that a homosexual does these things too mean that heterosexuals are forbidden to do these acts as well? It most certainly does not. I believe that God created our desires and it is we who have perverted it. God gave sex to us as a gift for a husband and a wife to share and it is we who have perverted that. Homosexual sex was stolen from heterosexuals, not the other way around. We can conclude that anal sex or any sex by a homosexual is sin. We can also conclude that according to the Bible anal sex, oral sex, or any sex by an unmarried heterosexual couple is sin too. But if you are married and both partners agree to any sex act within the confines of your marriage bed, it is indeed pure.

I hope this clarifies for you the question of what sodomy refers to. You can view further information regarding anal sex according to our world view in the category listing on the right side of every page.

Monday Mission #35

Your mission this week is to think about a sexy Christmas gift idea for your husband. Do you want to plan a sexy experience or a sexy item? Will you go somewhere special or stay home? Will it be something that lasts for a night or something that lasts forever? It can cost a lot or a little. It can take a lot of planning to be taken care of when you hit “Buy it now” on your computer. Just think of a way to add a little passion to your gift giving to him this year.

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