Christians: Perfect? or Forgiven?

I have heard questions from several people and we even received an email from a husband who is hurt by his spouse’s sexual past. Spouses are being forgiven for their past before they were saved, but not for sexual mistakes made after they are saved. How could they do this if they are a Christian? How do you get past this? After she became a Christian, why didn’t she wait for me?

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Just for a second, let me address this first. My DH and I were talking about this before I started writing this blog entry, and he said, “Being a Christian means you are forgiven, not perfect.” He hit the nail on the head right there. Non-Christians like to nail Christians on the head right there and expect that because you call yourself a Christian, that you should do things perfectly. This assumption is not true. We are still sinners, still sin on a daily basis, but our focus from Day 1 of becoming saved is to strive to be more like Christ. Don’t believe for a second that ANYONE who is a Christian has attained that goal. The Reverend Billy Graham, Focus on the Famly’s Dr. James Dobson, our own President….all Christians, but all are not perfect and they WILL tell you that. I will tell you that as well. In my “Baptism v. Salvation” article, I asked this question …” Do you have to get your life in order before you can be saved or baptized?” and the answer was no. I know that when I got saved, I was far from being “perfect”. I had a very black past that I was very ashamed of, that embarrassed me and so I thought “How would God even stand to see my face on a daily basis? How could he love me?” He DID and he still does today. I didn’t stop those sins that I was embarrassed of right away. Twenty two months after I was saved, I met my husband….I had been tempted by other men in that time, and I personally didn’t follow through on the temptations, but I know those temptations were very strong. Someone who doesn’t recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit could very easily still fall after being saved. How did I recognize the Holy Spirit’s voice? Growing up, I was a people pleaser. Just *thinking* about doing something wrong made me feel guilty, so after I was saved by Christ, anytime I felt that guilt…and trust me it was MUCH stronger after I was saved, I knew that I should not follow through on what I was doing at that time. But some people aren’t able to recognize it right away, so the addiction to that sin is so strong, they cannot resist it.

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Satan knows us quite well and he uses that knowledge quite well. Remember in Matthew 4, after Jesus was baptized, he was led by the Spirit and spent 40 days fasting in the desert. During that time, Satan tempted Him, too! Satan came to Jesus when he was hungry and tempted Him to take matters into His own hands…” If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread!” Brothers and sisters, after your salvation, Satan will do all he can to try to make you fall as well. He’ll throw all kinds of hard fastballs at you to make you doubt yourself and your salvation, but once saved always saved. Some newbie Christians do not yet know or understand that.

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So what do you do now? You are now married to this person, you know about their sexual past (before and after salvation), so how do you forgive them? As hard as it might sound, they need your forgiveness. I know from my own experience, that I was SO glad to know that my Father in heaven and my husband forgave me for my past indiscretions. The hardest thing for me was forgiving myself. Satan used that with me. I cannot tell you how many times I cried out to God every time I would think about how I didn’t save myself for my DH and ask for forgiveness. Do you know what God said to me each time? “My child, what sin? ” He had already forgiven me, and it was in the Sea of Forgetfulness. “Neither do I condemn you; go. From now on sin no more.” (John 8: 11 Maybe you saved yourself for marriage, and the visions of what your spouse has done with other men (or women, if you are the wife) really haunts you to the point you are just tormented by it. It is so important to your marriage and your marriage bed that you ban Satan from your mind. Bind him in Jesus’s name so that your marriage can start healing. Yes, some of you don’t want to be told to pray, but that is exactly what needs to happen. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but last night, I just finished reading the book “Fireproof”. That is such a powerful novel, that I cannot WAIT to see the movie. The premise of it, if you haven’t seen it or read the book is this…. A 7 year marriage is in shambles. The couple cannot even be civil to each other and divorce is eminent… until his Dad passes on a handwritten manual called “The Love Dare”. Inside it, are things that the reader is supposed to do for 40 days, one day at a time. Sometimes there were things written in there that the DH did not want to do, but he did it anyway. When I was a refuser, there were things that I didn’t want to do, but when God gave me that manual, in order to save my marriage bed, I did them anyway. A quote from that book… “Never leave your partner”

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Dear ones, the biggest thing that you need to remember is that your spouse married YOU and wants to be with YOU. Bind Satan from your mind and your marriage bed. Love your spouse with all your heart and soul and mind as you love the Lord. Ask your spouse to forgive you for not completely forgiving him/her. The past that used to haunt me so vividly? I can’t remember it. I bound Satan from that two years ago and God has erased it from my mind. It’s gone because God forgave me. It’s gone because my husband doesn’t remind me of it. He trusts me explicitly and knows that he is the one that I want to be with, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. (I’m working on it, honey!) My sister in Christ, Peppermint Girl, also has a wonderful article on past partners here and I would recommend reading it if you haven’t already.

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Let me leave you with this.

Ephesians 5:22-33

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

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God loves all of you. May God bless your marriages and marriage beds abundantly.

Q&A: Sexual Frustration After Separation

“My husband and i have been together for 11 years and he just recently left me for another women 2 months ago.  i am 33 and in my prime raging with sexual frustration.  My question is now being married and in the beginning stages of divorce i am missing sex and intimacy.  I don’t desire him back due to finding out about 7 years of lying and cheating but this sexual frustration is too much to bear.  A guy friend of mine of course wants to help me out but i have a tight devotion to the Lord and strong convictions and know it is not in my best interest or his.  Is there anything biblically wrong with me using a vibrator to help me through this crisis in my life?”

Let me start off by saying how sorry I am that you are going through this.  What a very tough situation to find yourself in.  Divorce is never easy, and when you add years of lying and cheating into the mix it is even more painful.

I think that it is natural to miss sex and intimacy after being married.  You had both for years and now it has been taken from you.  Of course there is going to be a void there.  The danger I see is this guy friend who is available to “help you out” with this void you are feeling.  You are vulnerable and are being tempted right now to do something that you know is not right, but look at what God tells us:

Matthew 26:41 (NIV)

41″Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

You said that you have a tight devotion to God and you know it isn’t right.  I know that you feel your convictions are strong, and that is a good thing.  But I also know that temptation can be hard to resist when you are lonely.  It is easy to let someone step in and try to “help you feel better” when you are feeling defeated.  I encourage you to take steps to ensure that you will not fall here, such as making sure that you and your male friend are never alone together.  Do not put yourself in a situation where it would be easy to give in. Instead of looking to him, and others to help fill this chasm that has been created in your heart, I encourage you to look to our Lord to fill it!  Use this time to draw closer to him.  Get more involved in your church or women’s group.  Fill your iPod with uplifting songs of praise.  Devote more time to reading God’s word so that you will deepen your relationship with Him.  He wants you to look to Him to meet your needs.   As the Psalmist said in Psalms 32, let God be your hiding place.  Let Him protect you from trouble and surround you with songs of deliverance.  Listen to this song and think about letting God fill that intimacy void in your life…

Let’s look at another passage of scripture:

1 Corinthians 10:12-14 (NIV)

12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

God says that when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under the temptation.  Right now you are hurting and vulnerable.  You are frustrated and missing the sex and intimacy that you once shared with your husband.  I’ve already talked about letting our Savior help you with the intimacy part.  I believe that as you draw closer to Jesus and actively pursue a deeper relationship with Him, the need for a sexual relationship will lessen some.  I’m not saying it will cease to exist, just that it will not control your life to the point of extreme frustration, because you will be focused on things that are good and pure.

And when the times come that you do need sexual release, then masturbate.  If you have read any of our site, then you should know that we do not think that masturbation = sin.  Remember the part about God providing a way out so that you can stand up under temptation?  Well, if you are relieving your own sexual urges when they arise, then you will be less likely to fall into sexual sin with someone else.  So that I’m clear here… yes, it is my opinion that using a vibrator on yourself is perfectly fine, so long as your thoughts are pure.  It is entirely possible to masturbate without fantasy involved at all (even though some people do not believe this).  The sin would be if you were thinking of and lusting for your male friend or someone else while doing so.  So be sure to guard your heart and mind when you find yourself having to “take the edge off.”

Making the transition to a life without sex, after being married, can be a huge adjustment.  It’s hard for many married people to understand, because they haven’t been in that situation before.  I’m so glad that you wrote in to us because there are probably other women out there who are facing similar circumstances in their own lives.  If anyone else has been through this before, maybe they will leave some advice or encouragement in the comment box.

Christmas Break

Christian Nymphos recently celebrated our one year anniversary! The last year has been a fun ride for us and we are very thankful that God has given us this platform to speak what He puts on our hearts each week. We want to wish all of our readers a wonderful week of Christmas and let you know that we will be taking some time off for the rest of the week to celebrate Christ’s birth with our loved ones, and then next week will be dedicated to answering email questions. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Faith of a Child, part 4

Christmas nativity

Luke 2: 1-7

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

This is such an incredible story.   There are so many facets of it that I am just amazed by.

First, the trip.  I looked on Google maps to see if I drove by car from Nazareth to Bethlehem, how far it is and how long it would take me by car to get there.   It said that it was 155 km (approximately 97 miles) which is about the same drive as from New York City to Philadelphia.   (The New York trip is just 5 miles further).   It would take me about 2 hours to drive it.   But at that time, of course, there were no cars, so the trip took….okay take a guess….   remember they are ON FOOT…..

A)  6 hours

B)  24 hours

C)  33 hours

D) 48 hours

Did you guess?  According to google maps (and yes, there is a function there to WALK from Nazareth to Bethlehem), it takes 33 hours to walk the trip.  (And of course google maps puts up this warning on the map… Use caution – This route may be missing sidewalks or pedestrian paths.)   That made me chuckle out loud!!  I would say there trip had more possible problems than that!

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.

Knowing that they needed to participate in this census, they got ready to go.  But can you imagine walking in Mary’s sandals?   She is 9 months pregnant, due any day, and she is about to go on a trip that will take 33 hours by foot.   I know when I started my last trimester with both my pregnancies, that the doctor told me to limit my travel and stay closer to home.   Not possible here.  Census takers didn’t come knocking on your door or the census survey wasn’t sent to your house…you had to go to the town of your birth.   I would have a 3 day trip by car to get to my home town of birth.  The same with my husband.   I am so glad that I don’ t have to follow in her footsteps.   Maybe she did get to ride on a donkey…but can you imagine all the potty breaks, how uncomfortable she must have been with a baby pressing up on her lungs and into her ribs.     Maybe having Braxton-Hicks contractions, maybe having real contractions, but still, they pressed on.

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

It doesn’t say how long they were there.  Did he get his taxes paid on time?  Was he in the process of knocking on doors, trying to find a place to stay?  Didn’t Mary’s pregnancy cause ANYONE to give up their room?  Evidently not, because the passage said there was no room for them in the inn.    So Joseph and Mary stayed in a stable and Mary gave  birth right there where all the animals lived.   No sterile hospital,  no birthing center, not even able to give birth in her own home…Mary delivered her baby in a stable.   Girls, remember what it was like delivering your babies if you’ve had any?   It’s not a very clean process either.  But she wrapped up her newborn baby and laid him in a manger.

What is a manger?  It’s a feeding trough for animals.  It might have looked like this…

(picture borrowed from http://myreuteralmanac.wordpress.com)

Have you ever fed pigs or watched a farmer feed his pigs?   Slop goes in there.    So did our Savior.

One of my favorite songs of this season sums up this whole story… this is such a strange way to save the world.    But when have any of God’s ways truly made any sense?   If they did, they wouldn’t mean as much or be as memorable, would they?  I mean, if a baby was born to an unwed mother in the hospital, who would really talk about that.  It happens all the time now a days.   But a baby born in stable?  Placed in a manger?  His mother did not conceive him with his father?   That is something to remember.   These all came true.  It was prophized in the Old testament.   It came true.

I want to leave you at the end of this story with the video that I spoke of earlier.   The song on the video is so beautiful.  It really covers the spectrum of all the questions that Joseph and Mary probably had during the entire time span…from when the angel appeared to Mary to the time when her baby boy came into the world.   Why?   Because it is all part of God’s plan.  He loves us so much, it pains Him to be separated from us.   It pains Him that we don’t follow Him.  So He sent His Son to save the world.   All you have to do is believe in Him.  Believe that you are a sinner separated from God.  Believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins.   God thought of you when He sent his Son, and the Son thought of you on the cross….won’t you trust and follow them now?   God has the perfect gift for you… one size fits all…all you have to do is take it.

Enjoy the video.  May all the blessings that God can send be heaped on you this Christmas season.    I know I feel blessed already.

Monday’s Mission #42

Being it’s Christmas this week, and Christmas has become all about what gifts WE get, we challenge you and your spouse this week to try to out give each other.  Just a friendly competition!  Instead of thinking of yourself at all this week, put all your efforts into giving as much of yourself as you can to your spouse (and he can do it, too!)  Give a shoulder massage, give him a hug and kiss in public, give a free night out with the guys, give a free BJ, give a time of passionate sex that is all about him…and there is SO much more you can do, too.   You don’t have to spend a thing…just find as many ways as you can give to him this week.

Merry Christmas!

Amazing What God Can Do in One Year!!!

Today we celebrate the anniversary of our first CN blog article, although we did have one post written a few days prior just to say our first “Hello.” As we look back over this past year and see what God has taught us and see what he has done through our willing hands and hearts, we are deeply humbled. We love the ministry He has entrusted to us and thank those of you who have prayed for and supported us. As we focus our eyes on Him to lead us through the next year we want our message to be clear: we are passionate for God and passionate for all that He has given us, and we want wives to be empowered to embrace that God created them to enjoy their sexuality with their husbands. We love having a voice of unity with so many men and women who are committed to living in Truth. Please enjoy this video in celebration of our first anniversary. Cheers!

Position #49: Ballerina

 

 

You do not need to have a tutu or tiara on hand to attempt this position.  Personally, I think it could look very sexy though, especially if you are commando. (Just watch out for the tooling of the tutu because that material is extremely itchy.)  This is one of those positions where your husband will be able to lay back and enjoy the show.

 

Have your husband lie down on his back and then prop him up by placing some pillows behind his back.  This should help him tilt his pelvis toward the side of the bed.  You will start by standing on the side of the bed facing him.  Lift one leg and extend it over your husband, thus the position name, while keeping your other leg straight with your foot flat on the floor for support.  I recommend putting whichever leg is closest to your husband’s feet over his body.  This way he gets a better view of your most imitate parts and he can help you with stimulation.  If you are more coordinated using the other leg then by all means go with whatever works for you.  Don’t feel like you need to keep your arms up like a ballerina.  Use those hands for balance.  If your balance is excellent and you don’t need to use you arms to brace yourself then feel free to use them on your husband.  You should have easy assess to his testicles, perineum and (if you can stretch) his rear.

 

If your supporting leg becomes tired at any point have your husband take over with the thrusting.  You want to make sure that whatever surface your husband is lying on is not too high because it is much more difficult for you to get leverage for adequate thrusting.  If he is a little lower then you can bend your knee in a squat like movement.  When your husband is basking in the afterglow he will most likely look at you as the princess you are and no, it’s not because of your tiara.  He will be overcome with the wonderful sensations he felt from his very own personal ballerina.

 

 

Pros: ~Very relaxing for the husband.

         ~Easy clitoral access for the husband or wife.

         ~If the wife starts to get tired the husband can take over with the movements.

         ~Easy to control deep or shallow penetration.

         ~Nice tight fit.

 

Cons: ~Can be tricky line up genitals, especially if the bed (or whichever surface is high).

          ~Leg may start aching but just think of those new muscles you are developing.  😉

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