Sexual Self

“I still don’t really get why sex is for me. I’m hoping you can help me understand that aspect of it, so I can bring more of my inner self to the bed also or at least have a goal to focus on while I’m growing this part of my mind. I’m reading and trying to figure out that question but I haven’t come up with much more than it glorifies God. I want to glorify God but when it comes to answering the question of why is sex important to me, I feel like it’s not. I know it’s important to my husband. To me, sex is for the man and I do it just because.
I’m inspired by your pictures with the spicy names but, for example, that’s the part that’s missing for me. My own sense of self beauty and sultriness and wanting sex because I want it for me. A sexual self-image if you will. How do I get that?”


We have received this email and many others with similar concerns. Some women don’t see the importance of a sexual relationship with their husbands. I think many women would be able to answer this question based on their personal life experiences.  I’ll share my view and hopefully others will be able to chime in as well.



Have you ever seen those water fountains made of a pyramid of glasses?  Think of this pyramid as a hierarchy of priorities.  That glass on top represents your relationship with God, the second row is your husband, third row can be children, forth row job……etc.  When your relationship with God is well it flows to your marriage with your husband, which flows down to your children, and when that is full and content it flows to your job.  Making love to your husband is one of the easiest ways to make him feel like a priority.  We have girlfriends, parents and children but they can only go so deep.  Our relationship with our husband is endless.  Intimacy is what makes this bond so special and it helps solidify our foundation.  Think about the things a man can get from an outside source.  If he needs his clothes cleaned he can run to the cleaners.  If his house gets messy he can hire a house keeper.  When he’s hungry he can run to the nearest McDonald’s.  Where can he go to feed his sexual appetite?  The only person who can (or should) fulfill this need is his wife. 


Many woman tend to wait until they feel aroused to start thinking about sex but for many it does not happen on it’s own.  You can try feeding the fire by touching your husband.  I think many couples are going through life without really touching, literally.  We are so busy running around taking care of other obligations that we are missing each other.  Our bodies crave touch and the less you do it then the less connected you will feel from your spouse.  I think this is why many women say that sex is not about the orgasm (although it defiantly does not hurt the situation); it is more about the feeling of closeness through being intimate.  Your touches throughout the day don’t even need to be sexual to be effective. If a woman goes for an extended period of time without intercourse then it will have a negative effect on her libido.  The opposite is also true, the more you engage in sexual intercourse the more you will desire it.


In order to have a sexual self image you must first have a good amount of self confidence.  This means that you are able to look at yourself and see what you like instead of dwelling on what you don’t like.  When your husband compliments you believe what he says.  Heck, just look at how his body responds to you.  Try wearing clothes that not only flatter you but will help you feel sexy throughout the day as well.  Make sure you are eating right, getting enough sleep and getting some form of exercise. I honestly think that a sexual self will emerge once you love/feel good about yourself and see yourself as the sexual being that God created.


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  • December 2008
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