Sexual Self

“I still don’t really get why sex is for me. I’m hoping you can help me understand that aspect of it, so I can bring more of my inner self to the bed also or at least have a goal to focus on while I’m growing this part of my mind. I’m reading and trying to figure out that question but I haven’t come up with much more than it glorifies God. I want to glorify God but when it comes to answering the question of why is sex important to me, I feel like it’s not. I know it’s important to my husband. To me, sex is for the man and I do it just because.
I’m inspired by your pictures with the spicy names but, for example, that’s the part that’s missing for me. My own sense of self beauty and sultriness and wanting sex because I want it for me. A sexual self-image if you will. How do I get that?”


We have received this email and many others with similar concerns. Some women don’t see the importance of a sexual relationship with their husbands. I think many women would be able to answer this question based on their personal life experiences.  I’ll share my view and hopefully others will be able to chime in as well.



Have you ever seen those water fountains made of a pyramid of glasses?  Think of this pyramid as a hierarchy of priorities.  That glass on top represents your relationship with God, the second row is your husband, third row can be children, forth row job……etc.  When your relationship with God is well it flows to your marriage with your husband, which flows down to your children, and when that is full and content it flows to your job.  Making love to your husband is one of the easiest ways to make him feel like a priority.  We have girlfriends, parents and children but they can only go so deep.  Our relationship with our husband is endless.  Intimacy is what makes this bond so special and it helps solidify our foundation.  Think about the things a man can get from an outside source.  If he needs his clothes cleaned he can run to the cleaners.  If his house gets messy he can hire a house keeper.  When he’s hungry he can run to the nearest McDonald’s.  Where can he go to feed his sexual appetite?  The only person who can (or should) fulfill this need is his wife. 


Many woman tend to wait until they feel aroused to start thinking about sex but for many it does not happen on it’s own.  You can try feeding the fire by touching your husband.  I think many couples are going through life without really touching, literally.  We are so busy running around taking care of other obligations that we are missing each other.  Our bodies crave touch and the less you do it then the less connected you will feel from your spouse.  I think this is why many women say that sex is not about the orgasm (although it defiantly does not hurt the situation); it is more about the feeling of closeness through being intimate.  Your touches throughout the day don’t even need to be sexual to be effective. If a woman goes for an extended period of time without intercourse then it will have a negative effect on her libido.  The opposite is also true, the more you engage in sexual intercourse the more you will desire it.


In order to have a sexual self image you must first have a good amount of self confidence.  This means that you are able to look at yourself and see what you like instead of dwelling on what you don’t like.  When your husband compliments you believe what he says.  Heck, just look at how his body responds to you.  Try wearing clothes that not only flatter you but will help you feel sexy throughout the day as well.  Make sure you are eating right, getting enough sleep and getting some form of exercise. I honestly think that a sexual self will emerge once you love/feel good about yourself and see yourself as the sexual being that God created.



  1. Your biggest sex organ is your brain. It all starts there…but if your heart and spirit aren’t well cared for (not just by your husband but by your self, your connection with God) your thoughts alone may not be enough. Depends how sexually in tune you are with your body and mind.
    Scripture says in Phillipians “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think on these things.” Why? Because “garbage in – garbage out”…in other words, what you think about, you act out. In this case, think about how God made you beautiful and sexual, think about how your hubby enjoys your body, think about pleasing him sexually and in turn the delight he takes in pleasing you as well….you think enough about that and it’s enough to keep you rev’ed up throughout the day! Lol…I don’t know, maybe it’s hormones for me but that certainly does it!
    God created sex between man and wife to be exactly that – ture, noble, lovely, pure, right, excellent. I think in the church we see the negative connotation that the world has placed on sex and we internalize that and start to think that because it’s so central in the world that it shouldn’t be so central for us as believers – like there are more serious and important matters at hand than trying to keep up with our husbands in bed. That’s just a lie…
    And if you feel like you just don’t see yourself as a sexual person at all, don’t see the beauty you have that God gave you – pray about that, ask God to wake you up sexually, to give you a glimpse of what your husbands sees and feels. It’s your right and it’s pleasing to God….

  2. Hi Peppermintgirl and Havanaspice,

    Just love those titles 😉

    I thoroughly agree with what both of you have had to say to this dear lady.

    This message caught my attention. The way I have kept myself from reverting back to my former frigid state, out of fear of the unknown, has been to saturate myself in sexual thought, music and the full acceptance of my womanhood.

    For years I refused to allow myself to read anything to do with my sexuality and absolutely cut myself off from all that is beautiful to me.

    This past summer, I finally became so sad and lonely for love that I knew I was capable of showing to my husband that I allowed myself to read a few books on female sexuality and found myself so fired up, it scared the ….. out of me, to be honest. My super religious self baulked over and over again but God was doing a fine work in me.

    My car radio opened me into the world of music again. It felt as though a pent up flood of life began to flow through my veins.

    I allowed myself to walk through clothing stores and literally take the time to adore the different fabrics and colors. I saturated myself in color and the sensual feeling of glorious fabrics.

    I began to really feel my skin when I cleaned my body in the shower instead of racing through to get back to my mommy role. Gorgeous smelling perfumes, soaps and creams were a wonderful addition to my Spartan womanhood.

    I began to read inspirational material about embracing myself as a woman, uniquely made by God to be just that…a woman.

    My hair had been butched more and more so the next step was to become more willing to let my hair flow and be soft , even though it is a bit silvery !!!

    THEN…. my wardrobe. Double yuck. I must have thrown away over half of my stuff and ALL OF MY GRANNY UNDERWEAR. I now wear thongs all the time and am loving the feeling of the sexy sass this gives me.

    THEN, THE BIG THEN…..I allowed myself to truly feel what our love making felt like. The first time I really let myself free up and ride with the waves of sensation, it was like a delicious feast for all of my senses.

    My eyes filled themselves with pictures of my darling’s body, my nose inhaled his gorgeous fragrance which I had felt repulsed by so often, my ears heard his breathing and the changes as he got more excited and his whispers to me, my skin tingled with every stroke he laid upon me, and then my mouth finally tasted him like I had never tasted him before. What a fantastic revelation it all was to me.

    Grab yourself by the shoulders, dear lady, take all the life and love you have as a woman and lavish it upon your deserving man. You will never be the same again.

  3. Another thing to keep in mind is that it may help to let your husband know of your struggles so he can help lift you up. I know that if I am not feeling good about myself or overwhelmed that I tend to withdraw, which my husband takes as a sign that I need to be left alone. The complete opposite is true. That’s when I need to feel connected to him more then ever. Sex is not just about our physical release, it’s about being open and vulnerable as well. When my husband embraces me in that time when I feel conflicted inside is when our bond is solidified the most and he isn’t going to know about my struggles unless I share them with him.

  4. The advice and experiences shared are stellar. A healthy sense of our own sexuality is about relationship (with God and our spouses. Physical health, mental focus and emotional stability are critical factors also.

    We will say that we are particularly struck by Apostle Paul’s admonition to spouses that each one’s body belongs to the other. We see this more as a call to selflessness than possession.

    Our sense of who we are sexually (sexual self) may be inextricably tied to the degree to which we are conscious of the need to give ourselves (whole bodily) to one another. The phrase ‘making love’ is reflective of the highest ideal for sexual intimacy. Selflessly, we enjoy the pleasures of intercourse as a means to communicate affection, trust, commitment, honor and accountability. The sexual self may be less about how we feel and more about how we respond to our spouse’s feelings, selflessly.

  5. For the lady with out a sexual self. You have a sexual self and it is most likely burried. Deep inside of you where it is safe and can’t be damaged by abuse or cheepened by callousness.

    i would strongly encurage you to ask the HS what is at the root of all this. Sometimes it can be caused by hurts suffered over a lifetime sometimes very deep hurts suffered as a child. Take a long look at what you have seen done to the women you have viewed as sexual creatures. Were you constantly reminded that they are trashy, used, worthless, sluts?
    take the time to be foolish enough to write down what you think of sexy women and the men they are with. Are you afraid, repulsed, ashamed embarressed? Listen to what goes on in your mind when you go to the mall, resturaunts, the beach , the pool. There are women all around what is it about them that makes you shy away from them?
    Also look really carefully at your husband. Is he someone you trust, respect , are friendly with, or is he another responsibility?
    If you are under the strain of memeories that are hurtful go to a catholic church for confession and just let it all pour out. The priest wont tell, no one else can hear and you can finally verbalize anything that is eating you alive or keeping you stuffed into a little box. If a church isn’t your thing then send the kids to grandma or your besty and apply Proverbs 31:6-7 until you start talking. I know its shocking and it sounds bad but, as opposed to the alternative of your DH not knowing what the issues are and you being stuck. It is a small price to pay.

    Finally, everyday when you look at yourself in the mirror find 3 things that you like about yourself physically. Say aloud “I like my —–.” Each thing. Training the mind not to think something different takes time but it will yield a great reward.

  6. ravenwolfe, you have some great ideas. I just wanted to clarify that we are not a “Catholic” site, we are a “Christian” site. Woman should feel comfortable going straight to Jesus to have that burden lifted.

  7. I just wanted to say that I felt, for a very long time, the way the lady who was questioning the sexual self is. I am a sexual assault survivor and a rape survivor, and the examples of sexuality I had growing up were absolutely NOT God pleasing. I had large blocks of time when I wished fervently that I could just totally abstain from being sexual with my husband (except for the occasional times I felt I needed release)…and I didn’t just abstain totally, because it wasn’t fair to my husband, and I knew he desired it. But I would always emotionally check out, and dissociate from what was happening between us. I also have self-esteem issues and have always struggled with the concept of being sexually attractive to my husband, because of my assaults. It flat scared me. I even had difficulty wanting to be intimate to be emotionally connected or close–I didn’t know what that was! The entire time of intimacy for us was nothing but physical, and over as quickly as possible…for 14 years.

    So I prayed and asked God to change my heart…to heal the places that were hurt and scared, and help me to understand what the concept of making love really meant to God. Also I prayed that He would help me to really awaken my heart and really give me the desire to love my husband in this most intimate way. To help me know what making LOVE was, and to have and want an emotional connection during that time. To allow me the joy of being sexually attractive to my husband, where I was safe and loved and cherished. And since we’d never had it in this area of our marriage before, I prayed for oneness, so we would be bonded together and really delighting in each other, the way He intended.

    And within a matter of weeks, and my trying to stretch myself a bit and acting on the feelings God was giving me for my husband, He really answered my prayers in a mighty way. God has helped me to understand all of these things, and has healed my heart and changed my outlook about making love with my husband–and it’s like our marriage is new, again. And this most intimate aspect of our lives is beyond incredible–and we have been bonded together like never before.

    God cannot be praised enough for what He’s done in me…and we certainly can never pray enough for the help we need. I agree with Peppermint Girl– talking with your husband will help, as well, and praying with him about this. It definitely helped me, and my marriage.

  8. What a wonderful testimony, epnut!! Thank you for sharing.

  9. Sorry. I wasn’t trying to make it a denominational thing or imply Christ isn’t enough. Only that our secrets keep us sick and it is very helpful to tell another flesh and blood being. Either anonomously or face to face.
    My parayers definitely go out to those who are in the situation.

  10. Thank you. This is an awesome post and I am taking it to heart.

  11. There is are so many good books out there can help with these issues, They’ve helped me (My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have 3 kids 4 and under, and still have some sexual contact 3-4 times a week) Every thought Captive by Jerusha Clark, The Act of Marraige by Tim and Beverly Lahaye and Temptaions women face by Mary ellen Ashcroft. They all deal with the issues being described here and like mentioned before they are universal. You are not alone, I believe that women are just as sexual as men we have just been told that for so long we aren’t. My husband can verify that our sex life just gets better the longer we are married and not just him our us but me. Sorry if I sound a braggart but we’ve worked hard at our sex life, he a a very physcically strenous job, me home with three kids 4 and under less than two years apart, and very involved in our church. So we are a little proud of it 😉

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