Q&A: Chastity Devices

“I was curious if any of you have every experimented with chastity devices for your husbands?  Several years ago my wife and I bought a CB-3000 as a means of helping her control my curiosity toward pornography.  If she found I had been looking at porn, she would withhold relations for some period that she determined and controlled.  It also ensured that I wouldn’t go insane (i.e. remained faithful) while away on business.  From my It perspective it was very effective but we only did it for six months.  Several months after it was over, I lapsed into porn, but she didn’t want to resume using chastity as a corrective because she felt it was artificial.  I was curious what you thought about this idea.”

I actually have mixed opinions on this.  Let me start off by saying that if a couple decided together that they’d like to “play around” with something like this as a temporary sex toy, I may would encourage it.  I could see how this could potentially be fun and exciting for a couple looking for something new and different to spice up their relationship.  Something that was just thrown into the sex drawer with all the other toys and used every once in a while for fun.  Just because I can’t see myself ever wanting to do that, doesn’t mean that I can’t try to look at this objectively and see the other side so to speak.  (I mean, I’m the one who wrote an article defending “pegging” for peat’s sake…so surely I can try to be open minded here as well, right?)

However, I do have some concerns here that I’d like to mention.  You are not the first couple that I’ve heard of using such a device.  I know of another couple that said they used it for similar reasons as you described above, regarding porn use and the potential to be unfaithful.  The problem that I have with this is that an addiction to pornography or a tendency towards infidelity cannot be fixed this way.  To me it would be equivalent to slapping an ace bandage around a compound fracture.  It would serve to hide the broken bone, but underneath the problem would still be there and in need of a real fix.

In your email above you wrote: It also ensured that I wouldn’t go insane (i.e. remained faithful) while away on business.” How can a chastity device really fix the heart issue of infidelity?  Yes, I’ve seen those devices and I can see how you wouldn’t be able to get an erection in them (at least not comfortably) but so what?  All that means is that physically you wouldn’t be able to have penis-in-vagina intercourse with someone else.  (Originally this sentence said “you wouldn’t be able to cheat” but I had to revise it, because technically you would still be able to do other sexual acts with a woman.)  What about what is in your heart?  What about trying to figure out why it is that you are so easily tempted?   Is your self-control so low that you cannot be trusted to take a business trip without wearing this device?

I have the same concern for a couple that chooses to use this chastity device in the hopes of it fixing a porn (or masturbation) addiction.  Yes, I understand that you are in essence, trapping the penis, so that it cannot get release.  But how does that minister to the heart of the man’s issue?  How does simple negative reinforcement speak to the core of his problem?  How does it help him understand how his pornography viewing hurts his marriage and affects his wife’s self esteem?  Sure, it will probably be a temporary fix, but what happens when the man tires of wearing it, and decides to take a break from it.  Will he be suddenly cured of his addiction?  Or will he use that as an opportunity to slip back into his old familiar roles?  You even said yourself:  “…we only did it for six months.  Several months after it was over, I lapsed into porn, but she didn’t want to resume using chastity as a corrective because she felt it was artificial.”

So I guess in conclusion, I could see how this might could be a fun and exciting toy for a couple to try using every once in a while, but I do not see how it could effectively help a marriage that is suffering from the effects of infidelity or porn addiction.  Those marriages need more than just an “ace bandage” approach.

6 Comments

  1. I agree. Heart issues aren’t going to be fixed by punishing someone for their sins. It is just a bandage over a gaping wound.

    I’ve posted a ton of resources on the Covenant Eyes blog for men who want to really deal with the heart issues involved in pornography. Here are a few:

    Breaking the Cycle of Porn Addiction (http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/12/09/breaking-the-cycle-of-porn-addiction/)

    Breaking Free of Porn Addiction (http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/11/12/breaking-free-of-porn-addiction/)

    Six Reasons Why Guys Like Porn . . . and how to break free (http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/07/04/six-reasons-why-guys-like-porn/)

  2. I agree. Treating your spouse like a child is not the sign of a healthy marriage.

  3. Hi Cummingirl –

    I stop by CN every once in a while; I’m not Christian, but my wife is, and I think that she might enjoy this site, so I told her about it. But that’s not why I’m here.

    I was pointed to this particular post by Digger Jones, who has attempted to use such a device in his marriage a while back (and was disappointed). I happen to write quite a bit on the subject of chastity and orgasm control at my own blog, and I just posted an article this week that dovetails nicely with your own. I’m interested in your perspectives because they are very similar to what my wife and I have discovered over the last few years. As I point out to all and sundry who ask me about them, $200 worth of plastic hanging from your tonker is not going to fix any problems that are already extant in your relationship. Frankly, we can’t stand the men who write into the various support groups saying “I need a device to make me more attentive, more focused on my wife.” I tell them that if they approach their wives like that, she’ll most likely say “You big jerk – why aren’t you more attentive now?”

    The devices can be fun toys – if you are so inclined. My wife and I don’t use them to keep me faithful; as you rightly point out, sex is not simply intercourse. We don’t use them to control my porn habit because, well, I dont’ have one. And we don’t use it to keep me more attentive and helpful in hopes that I’ll be “rewarded” because a good husband should be helpful and attentive in the first place.

    We just like to use one because we make a fun game of it.

    I was thinking about adding your blog to my own blogroll, but I’ve hesitated because a I suspect that a number of my readers might not be as tolerant as the could be, and might flood your inbox with unnecessary screeds. OTOH, I do get a lot of readers who might benefit from this site, as it is an incredible resource. Your thoughts on this?

  4. Hi Tom. I see nothing wrong with a couple using such a device as a toy 🙂 I also don’t have a problem with you adding us to your blogroll. We get comments from all different types of folks, and not all of them are Christian. We welcome comments from anyone as long as it is respectful. We also ask that only married people comment on specific sex practices due to obvious reasons. Comment moderation is our friend when it comes to disrespectful or inappropriate comments 😉

  5. This is my first post here. Thanks for this website/blog that addresses a beautiful and sacred thing that we were meant to enjoy in marriage. For too long the subject has been taboo, and all the related stigmas have made for many a marital problem and divorce.

    On to my reason for writing though… This is about the pornography, chastity belt, etc. and I felt the need to comment on what I hadn’t seen addressed by others.

    I’d like to add to this blogline that the wife witholding sex after finding the husband had viewed porn is possibly completely backwards to what should be done (in my humble opinion). I have a strong libido. Have had it since I turned about 13. I remember the Bruce Springsteen song with the words about “waking up sweaty with a freight train running in my head” etc. The wife should ask what it is about the porn that her husband finds appealing as there may be some underlying problems/dissatisfaction in the bedroom. Maybe he wants or needs something from her that he’s not getting and is indulging in seeing what he wants from her in the porn.

    Also, the only – well the main times I’ve been tempted and caught up in porn are when my Wife and I cannot find time for sex. I find her as beautiful and desirable as the day we met, and after 20+ years together I still quake and shiver with excitement when we are able to get together. If and when we are able to connect regularly there is no desire or urges that tempt me to look at porn. If she withheld sex after knowing I’d looked at porn, it would only make things worse. The Bible says it better to marry than burn with lust. Why? Could that be because married people are supposed to be able to relieve their sexual drive/lust?

    About the porn, I have found, and know it’s wrong, that I tend to want to look at stuff with youthful actors and therefore beautiful bodies. BUT… I don’t lust after the females I see and don’t look at things like penthouse etc. where it would be me just lustfully looking at them. My “thing” is seeing the rapture and pleasure of the female during sex. That’s what I enjoy with my wife and am always thinking of and trying to find new ways to please her. So, while I’m pretty sure it’s just a sinful cop-out, again, I’m not lusting after females in the porn.

    Like SO many things in this life though, like alcohol, I’m confused about what’s REALLY right or wrong. As a Baptist, it’s almost all sinful and bad, but I find things in Scripture like King David and the wine he served Uriah, Proverbs and the advice to Lemeul(?) about Leaders not drinking, but it being for the heavy-hearted etc. Well, I’ve digressed, but just meant to convey there’s confusion between what we’re taught or not taught and Scriptural references sometimes.

    I wish you all a Happy and blessed New Year!

  6. Regarding withholding sex, to understand more fully what my position is, you can read it in this article.
    https://christiannymphos.org/2008/05/01/q-what-do-i-do-about-my-husbands-porn-problem/

    I do not withhold sex on whim if my husband sins sexually, but I do think there is a place for abstaining for a time if a husband is addicted to pornography and not dealing with it.

    The information I have read from those who encourage women to keep on pursuing sex no matter what when porn is involved, in my opinion, place way more responsibility on the wife than on the husband.

    BTW, I am speaking for myself on this topic. The other spice sisters may or may not agree with me.


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